Bittersweet

by K8.Afied.2010

This is the beginiing of my first real story... Bittersweet, is based back in the Vietnam war era. Back when my Grandparents met. A time for true romance, and also a time when the world saw things it never needed to see.

Prologue:

All of us have had flashbacks, from times that haunt our memories a little too well. And I knew I was eventually going to have to face my past. At least, before it caught up with me and destroyed the life I had worked so hard to achieve...

But now, my time was up... I had waited far too long, and now I was standing face to face with my own mortal enemy- Myself-.

I stared at her, peering into her emotionless eyes and wondered, how far down they went? And if they ever reached her soul? A soul I knew was hidden deep beneath the rubble of a life not worth rebuilding... She smiled at me, and my blood ran cold...

How do you save your past, when you have already saved yourself??

August 8th, 1969...

The sun was beating down on my warm, tanned, skin. The rays seemed to seep through my lackadaisical body, and it taunted me with sleep. I sighed deeply and rolled over. My back on the cool, grass. I opened my eyes, and squinted, trying to peer up into the sky. A beautiful, cloudless day it had turned out to be. And again here I was wasting it away...

My fiancé had been drafted into the war not even three months before our wedding date, and now I hadn't heard from him in nearly a month, but it dragged into a lifetime...

The porch's screen door swung open behind me, and I heard my father's disgruntled mumbling following him to the shed. I groaned. He always had been one for self efficiency, and now here he was faced with a daughter who had a great future mapped out, who had thrown it all away for her high school sweetheart and the radical lifestyle of a flower child... He hated it. And had forbidden me from leaving. And I had agreed to his ridiculous request, because the only address any of Trevor's letters came to was here. And I wasn't about to give up on that. Not ever. So I had subjected myself to my own personal hell. Listening to the news reports about the war, and the American's death toll in Vietnam...

"Why must you spend all of your damn time, doing nothing productive Katherine?" My father's harsh voice asked from above me.

I peered up at him and sighed. "I am not going to serve a country that has sent young men into a war without any right cause. I don't intend to help the enemy."

"Katherine, what in the world has gotten into you?"

"My name is Willow" I said calmly, "Katherine does not exist."

He stormed off in a fury, and I sat up and looked around. My heart was burning inside of my chest and I didn't wish to talk about anything with my family, let alone the war and my sudden change in lifestyle. I stood up and walked to the Hornet my father still had from his more youthful days. My reflection shined on its glossy hood. I frowned. My hair went far past the middle of my back. Its strands either are long, wavy curls, or small braids. I sighed. I was trapped. I longed to break from this prison, but I couldn't leave... I had too much at risk. I had my future with the man I love, and the birth of his child to look forward too... I couldn't leave...

Chapter One:

Present Day: July 4th, 1976...

"Mommy!"

I jumped out of bed and rushed down the hall in a wild frenzy. Every time I hear him cry my name, I can't keep from panicking. I get the sudden sense of abandonment and run to make sure he is still there. To keep myself from waking up from some terrible dream, a nightmare that has taken over the last seven or eight years of my life. The nightmare that became all too real, and nearly destroyed me forever.

I walked into his room, and finally let myself breathe. He is sound asleep, rolling around and turning over a little bit, as he tries to dream. I leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. Wrapping my arms around my knees, and pulling my knees up tom my face. I buried my face in my arms and started to cry. I hadn't cried since James was born, but now I couldn't help it. His voice has pierced straight to my heart and caught me off guard. His little voice had the thick, sweet ring that Trevor's had always had. And it had sounded so beautiful when he said my name. A sound I prayed I'd never hear again.

Graduation: June 18th, 1968...

"Katherine, Thomas. Can you two please at least act like you like one another? Long enough for me to get one lousy photo?" my mother's high pitched, whiney voice pleaded.

I sighed and put on my best smile long enough for her to snap a photo of my older brother and I. ME clad in my high school cap and gown, diploma in hand, and plans for the night. The camera clicked and I could barely wait to escape from the scene... Thomas shoved my shoulder lightly and I glared at him. He had a good six inches on my, five ft. eight in. And a good five years of age and nearly sixty pounds to. So I didn't intend to pick a fight today. He was going to spend his summer, in the Deep South helping the civil rights movements. So I wouldn't have to put up with his 'abuse' for too long.

"Okay. I'm off." I said. Shedding the cap and gown. The dreaded thing was terribly hot and I could barely stand the stifling temperature during the ceremony, let alone now.

"Where are you going?" My father demanded.

"I told you last week; Amanda, Rachel and I are all going out to celebrate tonight. Scope out a few job opportunities, anything to get ready for this summer." I said coolly. I had practiced this lie plenty of times. So I knew it sounded convincible now.

He looked me over with a shrewd eye. And I hoped he couldn't sense the excitement inside of me.

"Alright" he said. "Just stay out of trouble"

"I promise" I said "thank you daddy" I barely contained anything when I ran off toward Amanda and Rachel.

I waited with Amanda until my family had driven away,

"I'll meet up with you in about a week." I promised her.

"This is completely insane Kate" she laughed.

"Only when you think about it."

She rolled her eyes. I looked behind me and smiled. The sleek black Harley was parked right next to the school grounds. And leaning next to a tree was the only person I really wanted to see right now. His medium length, honey blonde hair, caught the light perfectly. Giving him a seemingly saint like aura. Although I knew that was far from true.

"I'll call you" I promised Amanda.

"You better" she warned. She gave a wary look in the other direction and sighed "be careful." I laughed her warning off and ran over to the tree.

He lifted me up into the air, and sprung me around. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his hair. Then he lowered my down, so I could look at him. His sapphire and green eyes were so deep and endless. That it was hard not to do anything but stare into them. Then he put his lips lightly on mine and kissed me... Nothing vulgar, just a kiss. Simple and romantic...

I pulled my lips away from his. "Hi." I whispered.

"Why hello." he laughed. He wrapped his arm around my waste and we walked towards the Harley together.

"I'm so glad to finally be free from that place" I said. Looking back at the mental institution they tried to pass off as a school. He laughed. But it seemed off to me. Like he was hiding something deep inside.

"What is wrong?" I asked.

He looked down at me, "oh, nothing really." he sighed. "I just wonder if my life would have been any different if I had gone to college instead of going off with my band."

"Well, if you had went to college" I said with a tone mocking my father's deep voice, "you would probably have a well paying job, a major in boredom, and some beautiful cloned

Trophy wife at your side."

Trevor was nearly two years older than me, and he had graduated a year and a half before me. But he had decided not to leave for college. He had taken a job in the auto shop downtown, and traveled with his band, whenever he needed the money... Our relationship had an odd history. We had never dated. We had only been really close friends. I was in love with his music, and he always wanted a date wit hone of my female friends. - A very peculiar way to start off....-

He looked at me skeptically, most likely trying to find my tone. So I laughed, it was a fake laugh, but I tried to make it as convincing as possible. He gave me a half smile...

"Well" he said. "Spinning me around to face him, I have a job, it may not be well paying, but I have a deep passion for my music, I don't need a major, and as for the trophy wife clone, well I never really was one for blonde perfect women anyway." I smiled.

"So you're willing to give all of that up for your music?" I asked.

"No!" he snorted. "I'm willing to give all of that up for you, the chance to be able to play my music, well, that's really just a gimmick."

"And here I was thinking you had this deep, unbreakable passion for your hard-rooted music" I said, with another mocking tone.

He scooped me up and I laughed as he cradled me in his arms. "I do have a passion for my music. You silly little girl, but it is nowhere near as strong as the love I have for you."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure you tell all of the girls that, so they think that the lyrics of your songs are actually poetry written specifically for them."

"Well, I'm not going to lie, it does make my job a whole lot easier." he teased. I glared at him and shoved him away with no success.

"I'm kidding Kate, I was mealy messing with you, you little fool." he laughed. I just growled at him. And he laughed again.

"Trevor, you're an idiot." I growled "A complete and total idiot."

"And your point was?"

"Ugh!" I sighed "never mind"

"Alright then." he agreed. "Since this is in honor of your graduation, what would you like to do?"

"I want to go to the moon." I said laughing. He looked and looked at me with a wary expression.

"Okay, now. Where do you really want to go?"

"Europe." I said. "Let's just leave and get out of here."

"But where would we go?" he asked me. We had stopped walking, and stood right next to his motorcycle. "We can't just get up and go."

"And why not?" I asked. "I thought you would be all for the spontaneous actions of the heart."

"I am, but I am not about to take both of us out of our homes, and up-root us from everything we know, not without a plan. Not without time... We have to think rationally."

"Okay" I said, a little put-out, since my plan had been put to rest. "I don't have anywhere I want to go then. I'm not one for big celebrations."

"Good, because neither am I." And with that he hopped onto the large bike, and kicked it to life. I looked at him. The Harley was large and monstrous, and I had never really had a chance to ride it. -Because every time Trevor came to call. He made sure to drive his father's pick-up. Something my father would have been much more approving of his 'princess' riding in.-

He looked back at me and smiled. My face must have given my fear away.

"You coming?" he laughed. I looked at him and swallowed hard.

"Do I have a choice?"

"Everyone has a choice."

"What are mining then?" I asked skeptically. His smile grew wider. He outstretched his hand towards me. Then he looked at Amanda and her family.

"You can refuse to come with me, and live in your facade as your father would want. You know; go to college. Marry a Rockefeller. Have kids. Be a housewife, and live in the forties..." he said. His tone was no longer joking. It was deep, and serious. Then he looked up at me. His eyes full of a pleading voice, one unheard by the human ear.

"Or?" I asked.

"Or... You can take my hand; get on this motorcycle with me. And run away with me. We can go and join the rebel movement in California. And we can just be together, no rules, no facades, and no trying to be someone you were never meant to be."

"And what if I choose the other?" I asked. "What will you do then?"

"... I guess I'll have to go to Yale, or Harvard, or even Julliard. Anything to prove to your father that I am just as good as any inbreeds Rockefeller."

"You're not going to have to do anything like that." I promised. And I took his hand and jumped behind him. I wrapped my hands around his waste and buried my face in his back.

"Hold on." He said. And we shot forward... Leaving everything we had been raised behind us. Nothing more than a speck in the horizon.

Chapter Two:

Present Day: July 4th, 1976.

"Oh Katherine dear. I see you're home" My mother's voice whined over the reciever.

"Yes, I'm home." I sighed.

"You're father and I, well we were wondering if you would like to come for the cook out tonight. We know how you enjoyed them when you were younger, and we haven't seen you or little Jamie in a while..."

"Fine mom. Jamie and I will come tonight." I said "What time does it start."

"Oh great. George dear. She and Jamie are coming." She called to my father. I heard him mutter a few incoherent words. And then I heard a door slamming in the background.

"Do I need to bring anything?" I asked?

"No, no, no just yourself and Jamie." she insisted. And with that I hung up the receiver. I didn't need to listen to the droning voice of a cenial women, telling me how she was so excited to see me after so long... I hated being lied to. And my parents picture perfect lives, they had always been a lie... And I never had been a part of them...

June 21st, 1968...

I opened my eyes drowsily. The light filtered through the curtains, but it was still too bright, to my grogginess. I sat up and stumbled around. My mind was gone. I couldn't keep a steady balance. My body was shifting underneath me, and my head was pounding, or was that spinning?? I couldn't actually tell. I went to the window, and cluthched at the sill for support. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on standing upright.

Breathe, Kate, breathe. If you don't breathe you are gonna end up sprawled out on the floor. And you won't be able to get up after that.

I took a deep breath. And opened my eyes. The room was actually standing still. It had a bit of a haze engulfing it. But it was normal enough for me to figure out where I was. I looked around at the room. It was very small, with a lot of mis-match furniture strone around the room. The bed was empty.

And the clutter was making me sick. It was claustorphobic, and musty. I gagged a bit. Then i turned around and threw the curtains to the side. Letting the bright California sunlight billow in in bright, vibrant rays. Then I pulled the window open, and let the cool morning scent woft into the room. Then somrthing hit me hard... I was alone.

Oh my God... Don't panic. Don't you dare panic. He wouldn't bring you all the way to California... To leave you...

"Are you sure about that?" I hissed..

Yes, because he loves you. He has said that almost a million times since you left Chicago. And that was only four days ago. Stop panicking.

"Easy for you to say. You are inside my damn head." I mumbled.

God damn it Kate! Breathe! This is Trevor you are talking about!! He loves you! Don't do this to yourself!!

"Too late!!" I sighed. My heart was quickening and now I felt really sick... I took a step and let go of the window. I collapsed and crumpled onto the floor. "Agh!!" I cried. The room was moving again. And now my head and chest throbbed... The door flew open, and Trevor came running in!

"Kate! Are you okay?" He asked. He knelt down beside me and hoisted me up off the floor.

"I'm fine" i muttered. "Just a lil groggy. What happened last night? I feel like someone hit me with their car!" I asked. I looked at him. He looked confused, and concerned at the same time.

"You don't remember?" He asked.

"Well no."

"You went out with some of the other girls around here... When you called me to pick you up, you were out of it. And when I came and got you I noticed that you were completely plastered." He said sadly.

"That's impossible" I accused. "I don't drink." As I said this. A hazy memory flooded my mind. - About four or five girls my age, dancing wildly, smoking, and throwing a bitter liquid that burnt as it went down.- The thought made me shudder.

"This is California. People behave differently here, it's something in the water I guess." He mused. Moslty to himself.

"Or in the liqour" I mumbled bitterly.

"Okay. Lets get you up, and um... Fix you." He said. Finally deciding that being blunt didn't matter at this point in time. He stood up, and lifted me up with him.

I stumbled a little on my own two feet. But he kept a steadying hand held tighly under my elbow. And he steered me towards the door. We walked into the cluttered hallway of the house. And attempted to walk to the foyer. I tripped over my own feet a few times, and Trevor's... And a few random objects that seemed to jump out at me at the last minute. I hit the ground once and cursed loudly.

"These damn things are out to get me! I swear! That chair wasn't there!" I yelled. Trevor tried to contain his humor. But failed miserably when he laughed so hard that he almost snorted. I glared up at him. "What are you laughing at?" I accused. "You know I'm right. That bastard of a chair wasn't there at first."

"And neither was the wall, the box, my foot, your own feet, and the door... Must I go on?" He asked. Smiling widely.

"Ha ha ha." I spat. "Let's just see how you feel when you fall over."

"Oh, don't fret love. I'm sure the mutiny is far from going after me. I'm not the one who was intoxicated last night." He said cooly. I continued to glare at him, and he just smiled back. Then he stepped forward. I stuck my leg out slightly and he tumbled forward, -head over heels-.

The air shot out of him as he landed flat on his back. He gasped, and then caught his breath. I stood up and looked down at him. Now he was the one who had the reason to be glaring. His eyes had a shrewd twinge as he looked at me. I beemed at him.

"What was that about the mutiny?" I laughed.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" He said. Still glaring.

"Why. Yes I- Agh!" The sentence was cut short, when I screamed because he pulled me down on top of him. I glowered down at him, and he continued to stare defiantly at me. "What was that for?"

"I missed you." He said innocently.

"You weren't gone that long." I said.

"Eh, I thought the trip was long enough for me." He laughed at his own gag. And I rolled my eyes, at his poor pun.

"Okay. Well, now that I am here. I am gonna go now." I said making an attempt to stand up. He coiled his arms around me and pulled me back down.

"Nice try" He hissed…

Present Day: July 4th 1976… 3pm

The hissing sound grew louder as my car staggered into the gas station. I groaned loudly. I opened the car and stepped out. The tire was nearly flat. The noise was now only a quiet whisper now. I went to the back of the old truck and hauled the tools and spare tire out. Cursing to myself softly. This meant I would have to spend more time at my parents, because I would get there later than expected and they would insist on me staying with them, because my truck would be unsuitable to drive.

Three hours with my parents was enough for a lifetime. A whole night. I'd be gone by morning… I decided to go and call them. I picked up Jamie and walked over to the pay phone, and dialed the all too familiar number. I waited for a few seconds. Shifting my weight from foot to foot restlessly, the receiver at the end of the line rang and I waited…

June 21st, 1968…

I waited for one of my parents to answer the phone. They hadn't heard from me since I came home and told them I was leaving, and that had only been a few minutes while I gathered all the belongings I took with me. The phone rang, and I sighed. I glowered at Trevor who had insisted on my call. Something about reassuring them I was safe and all that. I heard the click as the other line was picked up. There was a long pause and then a voice finally found words.

"Hello?" Thomas asked. He sounded tired.

"Thomas?!" I said bewildered. "It's Kate, where are mom and dad?"

"Confessing." He yawned.

"What? Why?"

"They're Catholics Katherine. What do you expect?"

"I mean what are they confessing?" I snapped.

"Oh. You didn't think about all the Cain you would raise when you made your little escape, now did you?"

"No, should I have?" I asked. He was wearing on my nerves. I hated being treated like I was a child

"Eh. Not really. I think they are overreacting, but who cares. Dad went to the bar, and came home with the Sherriff. And mom, well she doesn't talk to dad anymore. She mostly blames him for your leaving."

"And what do you think?" I asked.

"I- er- well… I wish you hadn't beaten me to it. I've never gotten the courage to just walk away from our mapped out lives. I let everything I wanted just slip away, and I went for everything they wanted."

"Then come to Cali with me." I coaxed.

"I will. In time, first I am going to help out down south. Then I'll head straight to Cali. There is no need in me stopping at home and causing more raucous now is there?"

"No, not really." I laughed. I heard a door slam loudly in the background; Thomas cursed, and lowered his voice to a barely audible whisper.

"They're home. I won't tell them you called unless you want them calling the authorities on Trevor… Good luck. I'll see you in August." And with that he swiftly hung up the phone. I could picture his excuse for who had talked to. And it made me smile. He always had my back even though we tried to tear one another's heads off. I hung up the handset and turned to gaze at Trevor…

"So, are you happy now?" I asked. He walked up to me and smiled.

"Somewhat. But I would have liked it better if you had eased your parents minds."

"Oh well. I'm not about to have you arrested." I snarled. He laughed uneasily. "What's wrong?" I asked.

He looked down at me and smiled. Pushing a lock of curls out of my face. "Nothing"he whispered.

"It doesn't seem like nothing" I sighed into his chest.

"I'm thinking is all. Wondering what your parents think of me now."

"They've known since you were a little kid." I said. "I don't think anything could make you evil in their eyes."

"What about this?" he asked. "Don't you think that I have crossed a line? Maybe I should be arrested." He pondered.

"I don't think we did anything wrong. I made the choice on my own. And I plan to stay on this path."

He looked at me and I hid my face in his chest. I didn't want to see his eyes now. They would be hurt and confused. Agonized by the self inflicted torment he always had to endure, because of his conflicted soul. As long as I known him, he'd never been able to do something that was completely right by him. He longed for the approval of everyone else, because if he felt that he had done something wrong by anyone, he would second-guess his decisions and sit for hours trying to talk himself out of what he had done. And I loved him despite all of that. But how can you love someone who barely even cares for themselves?

I peeked out to look at him, and his eyes met mine. My heart flooded with emotion and I hid my face again. He sighed deeply and I gambled to take another look. I glanced at him, - he had made a statement of looking in the opposite direction- So I brought my face out and watched him closely.

"What are you thinking about now?" I asked. I had seen his usually tan pallor of his cheekbones grow white, and then to a deep scarlet.

"I'm thinking about whether or not to make a decision that has been a nuisance for quite some time now." He breathed.

"And what would that be?" I asked. He breathed deeply and then walked away from me. He walked down the hall and into the bedroom. He returned a few moments later. A small velvet box clutched tightly in his hand. I looked at him puzzled.

"Bear with me on this, please." He said. He looked at me and I saw that he was torn. But between what. I was thinking about the possibilities when he kneeled down onto one knee and held my hand tenderly. My breath caught in my throat. He looked up at me. –probably checking to make sure I was still standing there.- I tried to keep from falling over. He smiled, and opened the little velvet box. I felt tears burning in my eyes.

"Katherine" He said. Smiling up at me. "Will you marry me?"

"Huh?" I choked. My voice rising an octave or two. My forehead was starting to grow and clammy. The nervous perspiration dewing up at the base of my hairline.

"Will you marry me?" He asked again. I could tell he was starting to panic at my less than satisfactory reaction.

"Why?"

"Because; I love you, and I don't ever want to be without you." He said. Now it was his voices turn to start to stutter and become shaky.

"Oh." I breathed.

What the hell are you doing? You know he loves you! Because you love him! So say yes. Stop Stalling! Don't make me come out there!

"Kate! What's wrong?" He asked. "You don't have to say yes. I don't expect anything. You know that!"

"I know." I breathed. "I was just taken aback… Of course my answer is yes…" He smiled and slipped the ring onto my finger. It was small and white gold, but incredibly beautiful. The diamond was small and cut into the shape of a heart. It shined as I looked at it. The diamond was nestled in the middle of two interconnected hearts. It was perfect.

Present Day: July 4th 1976…

I trudged up my parents' brick walkway. Jamie sleeping silently in my arms. I sighed and knocked on the door. I waited for a few. Ugh. I really just wanted to sprint back to my truck and take of as soon as possible. But as soon as the thought fully registered, as if by some hideous trick of fate, the door swung open to reveal my mother.

She was a short, stoutly woman. Her hair was always perfect. Still modeled after those of a forties house wife… She hadn't changed a bit. She still wore the same type of clothes. These hideous garments she called dresses. Always bright and peppy colors. They made me sick in the head. The only thing that had changed remotely about her was the color of her hair. It was no longer her brightly colored red, it was a strawberry blonde. Sprinkled with strands of silver and deep gray. Her face was incredibly withered. She hadn't aged well at all.

She smiled brightly at me. And more unsightly creases, crinkled around her eyes and lips.

"You made it!" She cooed. I ignored the urge to hurl

"Of course I made it. I wouldn't miss this." I lied through clenched teeth. Faking one of the smiles I had learned back in my debutant days.

She looked at my shoulder. "Oh my goodness. Is that Jamie?" She asked.

"Yes mama." I said beaming. This time it was real.

"He's gotten so big." She said as I handed him to her. She gasped. "And so handsome."

"Yeah, he's my pride and joy." I said.

She looked at him and sighed. "Oh, he looks just like his father. He's going to be a heartbreaker." She said.

"Not if I can help it." I growled under my breath. My son wasn't going to treat woman like trash. He was going to be like his father. I'd vowed that to myself when he was born. And then I had to deal with reality.

"Well come inside and see everyone. So many people came to see you, all because you were coming." She boasted. I rolled my eyes. She turned and walked through the door and I followed after her.

We walked into the over crowded backyard, and my flightiness grew more intense. There were so many people I hadn't seen in years. And I never wanted to see them. Chicago had been my own hell, one filled with memories I didn't need to trouble me anymore. I kept my eyes low and followed my mother. She walked to my father. He looked me over. And I did a quick look. I had no idea what I was even wearing.

I was clad in my favorite pair of bell bottom jeans, my long sleeved black t-shirt and a rugged camo jacket on top, nothing too incredibly scandalous. Unless you say showing your toes is indecent…

I shuffled over to my parents and tried to act polite. But deep inside, I was screaming. My mother handed Jamie to my father, who made a somewhat disgruntled expression, when he looked at the child. My mother flitted off towards a large group of young men, all of them in casual wear and most likely ranting about politics. She tapped on the shoulder of a very tall, lean man. He looked my way and smiled a little bit. I forged a smile, and he shyly walked towards me.

His jaw was squared and almost perfectly clipped, his hair a dark, ruddy brown color. He kept it short, just above his ears. His eyes were a dark chocolate brown, and his skin was tight, a perfect tan color. I guess he was what a woman my age would call good looking. This was most likely an understatement. He was nothing less than gorgeous but I wasn't able to think bout anyone on that way, my heart had been stolen years before, and I'd lost it in the war, nor did I want it back. He ambled up to me and smiled again, perfect whit teeth, I noted this in my mind.

"You don't recognize me, do you Kate?" He asked.

I looked at him and tried to see what he meant. "No, I'm sorry." I said. Still peering at his eyes, they were familiar, but how, and from where?? These questions were going to bother me.

"That's okay… We went to high school together. I was a grade ahead of you." He said, trying to pry the memories from my mind.

"Michael Thomford!" I gasped, finally being able to recognize the beautiful eyes.

He had been my first high school boyfriend. The one my dad had always said would be my perfect match, but I had other plans… He and I had dated until Trevor had finally admitted his true feelings for me, after picking me up from a bad prom incident my junior year. And here I was nearly ten years later talking to the man I had shot down, for a blonde haired, blue eyed, musician who had dropped everything for me. Talk about irony, this was just wrong.

"Yes, I know I don't exactly look the same as I used to." He said sorta embarrassed…

"No" I said "you don't." I mumbled.

Chapter Three:

June 30th, 1968…

Have you ever had so much fun, that when you are done, you are in pain all over your body?

Of course not…What kind of civilized person would do that. And that's why some people's parents think life is like a story book… Because they never had too much fun.

The ocean was so beautiful, it was more brilliant than I could have ever imagined. And there I was sitting cross legged on the salt covered rocks that scattered the shore. Trevor's band was having a get together at the beach, with what society called the rebellious youth of our time. But we were so much more than that, we were believers in peace, hope, and love, lots of love…

"Hey Willow!" Amanda called. I looked at her, somewhat confused by the name she had given me. "Yes you!" She said, catching my confused gaze. I hopped up and went to sit next to her…

"What is with the name?" I asked as I sat down next to her.

"Because, Katherine sounds so high class, and Kate sounds like a vain attempt at being one of us, so why not try to be 'Aua nature?'" She asked. I groaned. I sounded like some completely depressing, shaggy dog… Like the trees, they were large, depressing and shaggy…

"What is your name then?" I asked with a little bit of a snobbish tone in my voice… High School had made all of my friends seem normal, to me. But now out in the real world, our true colors shined. And Amanda was nothing more than someone fighting desperately to fit in, and Rachel was just a manipulator, and me? I was in the middle. I stuck by both of them through it all, thinking I could change them, protecting them. Defending them, and what did I get from it? A silly name like Willow and a group of people I had no desire to be around…

I didn't wait for her answer, I just got up and walked away. I didn't care… I just needed to be alone, and let the rational thoughts return to me. I heard her call after me. But I had no yearning to go back to them, I wanted to be alone. So I just walked. A small face in the crowded streets of San Francisco, and I knew exactly where I was headed…

…

I was exhausted when I finally stood at the end of the Golden Gate Bridge. The city was illuminated behind me and the night sky dark, and dead ahead of me. I trudged up the incline, tired and weak. But I had to get up here. I could end all of this, before it was too late, before I became so consumed by the lifestyle that I lost who I really was… Not this Willow, which I had supposedly become. I looked over the edge and shuddered. It was a long way down. The sound of tires screeching to a stop, brought me out of my little reverie, and I realized I was standing on top of the railing.

"Kate!" Trevor called. "Kate, please get down." I turned to look at him, he was pained and confused, I'd hurt him. All because I wasn't actually radical enough for this kind of life, I wasn't able to handle this. And I'd hurt him, because I was weak, and this sickened me…

"Why!?" I choked. I was torn now. I wanted to run to his arms, but I also wanted to let go and fall forward, into the water.

"Because" he said "I'm coming in after you, whether you want me to or not."

"That's not what I want." I whispered. He walked up, so he was standing right behind me.

"What do you want then?" He asked.

"I don't know. I don't fit in here."

"Of course you do" He argued.

"No, I don't Trev, I, I hate it here. I am forced to smile all the time and fit in with everyone else's expectations, just like back home."

"Then come with me and we can get out of here. I am not gonna stay here alone, I'm only here because of you, so just get down please." He pleaded.

I looked at him, and let go. I jumped down and never hit the ground. He was cradling me against his chest and I felt safe for once. I wanted to just freeze time and stay there forever.

"You're such a stupid little girl." He choked into my hair. I felt his lips press into my hair and I felt horrible.

"I'm sorry Trevor, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just, I don't know, something is wrong with me and I can't do anything to stop it." I blubbered.

"Don't be sorry. I'm just sorry I didn't find you earlier, it would have made this a lot less…" His voice trailed off.

"Crazy?" I asked.

"Eh, that too." He said, trying to laugh, but his voice was hard and controlled and his laughter came out torn. "I prefer the term, unnecessary."

"That too." I sighed.

"What am I going to do with you Kate? I swear you are going to be the death of me. Whether it be now or in fifty years." He cogitated to himself.

I may be the death of you… But I am more likely to be the death to myself. The voice inside my head said sadly.

Who are you?? I hissed. Leave us alone! Please!!

I can't Kate dear. I'm just as much as a part of you as well you are.

What did I do to you? To make you hate me so much? To make me put him through this?! Him! TREVOR! He doesn't deserve this!! I spat. Attacking her with my words.

I didn't do anything Kate. We did... We are slowly becoming two people. The EGO and the ID… Scary thought isn't it? Oh, but don't worry. Once I am free you can be sure Your little conservative relationship. It will become so much more… And with that, she was gone…

I tried to breathe calmly, so that he didn't sense my anxiety… For the first time in my life, I felt completely torn; I had ripped down the seams and had officially turned against myself… Leave him out of this please! I begged, I was going to protect him no matter what… The sensation of being ripped shot through me and the voice spoke again.

Oh, don't worry. You can't hurt him, willingly, and I could never dream of it... He's safe…She laughed at this, or was it a snort? I didn't know. But I wasn't going to ask her… Wait! I was talking to myself!! I'd been out in the sun far too long! I needed to get out of here. I needed rest, I wanted respite from it all.

…

"Deep in the confines of the mind…

The EGO is a person's control panel, like the remote for a Television; it says what you watch, what you want to watch and when you do it! While the ID is a person's Inner Desires, which would explain the ID, the ID is what a person wants so fervently, but they bottle it up and never let it out. They keep it hidden under the EGO's control and never act on it… But what happens when an ID starts to become so strong, so well for a lack of a better word, desirable, that the person has to achieve this crave? The ID splits from the EGO, and becomes its own control… Now you may be wondering what happens to the host, while their mind starts its little coup' de tae'… Nobody really knows. But studies are being administered to help find the true results. One for sure result, is multiple or split personality disorders. When one or multiple IDs break free and start to take over the mind and eventually the body, and soon the host will start to have episodes. Hosts usually never remember these episodes because they aren't actually conscious if their actions. Like sleep walking, having an ID take control is an involuntary response and your body just unknowingly follows instructions… One of the bodies many flaws…"

…

And that is where I finally stopped reading. It was three in the morning and Trev was asleep on the small sectional sofa in the living room. He usually slept curled up next to me, but I had decided that after my little episode, that I didn't deserve to have the comfort of his company. So I had started rifling through the house, looking for anything that could help me… And I had. I had successfully found an older edition of a Psych book. Maybe three or fives years out of date at most, and the yellowing pages revealed horrific details about what my brain was doing…

I sighed and set the book aside, I would go to the library and pick up a few more books, and scan through those for a little bit, maybe I could catch a more recent glimpse at what scientists said my future would be like. Would I be able to live a somewhat normal life? Have kids? A husband? Friends?? What would I turn into?!

Well, aren't we a little down today!! The voice jeered in my head…

The bile rose in my throat at her taunting tone. There is no we. I said firmly. She laughed at this and looked longingly at the door…

Can't we just go see him? She asked her voice sad, and low. I hate being away from him like this. I always have. You, well you just deal with it, and push the ache aside.

No, we don't need to stress him out anymore than he already is.

Fine… So, since you are so upset about me being here… What should I call you??

Kate. I snapped… Because that is my name, whether you like it or not, and you cannot change that.

Aggressive aren't you? Maybe even a little domineering and territorial…

I am not! I protested. I just don't approve of you making your little début in my brain, thank you very much.

Hey, What can I say? It was a full house. The audience loves us…

Stop saying that! I snapped at her. She recoiled inside my brain. Fuming at my harsh voice!!

I'm sorry… This is new to me too, so you could at least be a little bit nicer.

... To you? I asked. Not a chance. You are like my own arch nemesis… How cliché…

She grumbled deep in my head. Avoiding me as much as possible, I guess. And you? I asked.

Me?

What should I call you?

Why?

Well if you expect us to get along, we might as well learn how to work together. And I can't just call you. That ID that is roaming free in my brain. I'd like to know who I am dealing with…

Oh. She thought for a moment, and then she finally answered… My name is Drifter.

Drifter? What kind of name is that?

Well what do should I call us. Kate is already taken!

What about Helen, Megan, Sam, Lyn? Any of those but Drifter?! It sounds like you are a hired hit ID…

Maybe I am. She said furtively.

I rolled my eyes. I was talking to myself… And she was beyond help. Please just give me a normal name.

How about Natalie?

That's better. I've always like that name.

So have I. I shuddered at her voice and she quickly grew dormant. I looked around.

July 4th, 1976…

This guy is a doorknob Kate. Why are you even talking to him? Besides! I don't approve.

Natalie!! You can't just barge in here and start talking to me!

I just did.

He is a very nice man, I knew him in high school we dated, and I … I …

You left this waste of good looks for Trevor. Duh! That was my idea! She said frowning.

How so? I demanded. I half expected her to shrink from my question. She didn't like to be challenged. But she puffed herself up, and stood her ground.

Because. You loved Trevor, from day one. And you never said anything. Until that night you started dating this blob, what's his name again?

Michael... Michael Thomford… Do you remember him?

Vaguely. But when Trev, thought he had lost you. He told you the truth. Do you remember that night? She spat. This time I was the one to retreat from her words. I slinked away. And I had no idea if my mental reaction had any effect on me physically.

I remember. I stifled. How could I forget…

…

November 25th, 1966…

It had been raining all day long. The storm had lulled slightly during the heat of the day. But now, it was hammering down, without any mercy. I lazed around the house. I had been waiting for today for nearly two weeks…

My first actual date, with Michael Thomford, none the less. He was the Varsity running back for our schools football team, and he and I had been dating since early September, and now. I was finally allowed to go on a date. A real date.

My excitement was overwhelming, but I attempted to keep my cool… Then the doorbell rang. I could barely hear the high pitched, ding dong, over the torrential noise, but the sound of it made my heart flutter. So I jumped up and ran down the hall. I jumped the last three steps and landed a few feet away from the door. I quickly stood up and smoothed my hair and dress… Did I look okay? I'll never actually know. All because of what happened when I opened that door.

"Hey. I'm sorry to intrude like this, but… Can I talk to you bout something? Please." Trevor said. He was soaked. His usually neat hair, in a total, sopping disarray on top of his head, it looked like he had attempted to fix his hair after getting underneath our front porch's little awning. He looked troubled. Which was something I was use to, he was my best friend and he would come see me whenever he needed someone who would listen, and I did the same… So how could I turn him away? Him and his little wet mop of hair? I wanted to, I really wanted to just slam the door in his face and shut him out. But I couldn't will my arm to shut the door on him… My mind tried to scream at it. But it wouldn't budge. I sighed and looked at him. His eyes had never stopped looking at me. This worried me. So I quickly averted my eyes before my heart would start doing cartwheels…

"Come on" I said. Opening the door, so he could walk past me, he slid in beside me. And the closeness sent a vibrant shock to my nerves. So violent that I jumped back.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah I am fine." I lied bitterly. "Its just a little drafty is all… You know with the rain." I said. He nodded and plodded over to the back patio. I followed after him.

My parents were out for the night, at some black and white gala, they enjoyed attending those types of things. And my brother was at some debate, I think. I never actually knew where he went in his spare time. So it was just Trevor and I. Which was still normal territory for us, he plopped down on the smaller sofa and I sat on the chair across for him. I felt the tension growing thick in the air. He knew I had a date. He had been with me when Michael had asked me to come to the movie with him- Only because he was dating my friend, Jackie, but still, and besides things seemed really serious with them. And she resented our friendship. So why would he risk that, by coming here? It had been three months since his last actual visit. And now, here he was.- He sat up. And I tensed for the blow.

"Why are you dating Michael?" He asked coolly. Not looking at me. And not looking away. His head down. And his eyes closed.

"Why wouldn't I be dating Michael?" I said.

"Please, Kate. Just cooperate with me here."

"He's on the football team. He's a junior. He's very cute. And sensitive, he's just a real catch any girl in the school would want to go on a date with him. Let alone be his girlfriend." I huffed. I wasn't comfortable with this subject. Well at least not with Trevor. This was very foreign territory for us.

"So, for his status?"

"No."

"Do you know him? Kate, do you actually know him?" He asked. He looked up at me.

"Yes." I said firmly. But inside, I was shaking.

"Oh. Really? So you know that he is by the far the most sexually active kid in school?" He shot. I didn't answer. I looked out the window. "I didn't think so." He said smugly. I could see the smile on his face, out of the corner of my eye.

"Why do you care?" I snapped. "You have so many girlfriends. I wouldn't doubt that you are the one with the largest sexual record." The words were bitter in my mouth. And they must have tasted just as bad to him. Because he got up and walked away. I heard the front door slam… And before I had time to think about it, I was on my feet and running out the door.

"Trevor!" I yelled. "Trevor! I didn't mean it! I swear I didn't" I slid through the front lawn. Mud and water splattering all over, he was looking at me with a confused expression when I ran up to him. He was leaning against the big oak tree in front of the yard. I grabbed a hold of him and looked at him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it!"

"You're wrong you know?" He said. He was still angry. But it wasn't directed at me anymore.

"Bout what?"

"About my sexual record. That. That's still clean." He said. I kept my remark to myself.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why didn't you sleep with any of them?" I asked.

".. Because. I wasn't in love with any of them."

"Oh…. What about Jackie?"

"What about Jackie?"

"Do you love her?"

"No." He said this so firmly, that I knew there was no little inkling of deeper feelings for her. I looked away from him, and stared at the puddles forming on my front lawn. "I realized I… I was in love with somebody else."

My heart stopped altogether as I raked my brain for the answer! Who could it be? All of his ex girlfriends despised him, after the relationship ended. Spreading rumors of how he played on their feelings, only to dump them in the end. I had never been able to believe them, but now, they were somewhat true. He didn't do it intentionally… But he did.

"I can't think of any ex of yours that you were in love with." I whispered.

"She's not an ex of mine. I never dated her. I couldn't. I never wanted to be in love with her. It would have screwed everything up."

"Do I know her?" I asked. Jealousy flared up in my tone. It was tough and bitter. Hard in my throat, and the words burned as they came out. He couldn't know how I felt. Not if some girl had already stolen his heart. It would hurt him, if he knew he hurt me like this.

"Yes." He said. His voice faint and harsh, like the words were going to consume him, spoken or not.

"Who is she?" I asked. I wanted to know. I had to know. I deserved to know. Because what if she hurt him? I could not let that happen. Not to him, he deserved better than that.

He took a long deep breath and held it. I listened to his heart pounding close to my ear, and the rain drumming against us and the ground. I shivered. From the intensity of the conversation, from the chord in my heart, which had frozen over, ready to defend me from the coming blow, and from the icy rain, that had seeped into my core. He finally exhaled, and I tensed again. "It's you Kate." He whispered.

I immediately backed away from him. I was shocked. No, I was stung. This hurt. My skin felt like paper, and as the rain splattered on me, I felt I would crumble into a shredded heap. He looked at me, and it blazed. I couldn't find words. I stammered unproductively. Trying to find words, but they escaped me so. I could only glare at him…

"You cannot tell me this Trevor." I finally said. I turned my back to him and walked away. I ran up to the door. My hand grabbed the handle. Then he grabbed my wrist and whirled me around to face him.

"Kate! Stop. Please. Here me out!" He pleaded.

"I… I… I can't hear this right now. I just can't. Please, just go home." I struggled, not to choke as I spoke, the words, they slurred together near the end.

"But, Kate. I love you." He said. "You can't just ignore that." He said. I looked away from him. And he grabbed my face with his hand. Forcing me to look at him…

"Please." I whispered. "Please. Just go home."

"No. I won't. I am not going to let you go. I've hurt you in the past. I know. I saw it. But Kate! I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe you could love me too. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I took so long to tell you, but I was ignorant. I love you. And I can't change that. I've tried. I've searched to find someone else. Somebody like you, but to no avail, I can't replace you. You are the one I love. No one else, and nobody can ever change that. Or even try. I won't let them." He said. His voice deep and hurt.

"You can't tell me this. This is too much… I can't… I can't deal with this right now… So please just go home. I'll call you this weekend…"

"Kate. I'm not letting you go like this."

"Please… Please go home. For me…" I whispered. He stepped back, and I dropped my eyes to the floor. I didn't look up again for a long time. Because when I did, he was gone. And I cried. I'd let him go. And for no reason… I loved him, and I'd closed my heart to him.

I'd went inside, and combed my hair. Changed my clothes, and checked to see how distraught I looked. I picked up the receiver five or six times. I dialed Trevor's number four times and Michael's once. Then I hung up… I was going to go on this date… I was just a little shattered. I didn't have the nerve to talk to either of them. How could I? I had nothing to say…

When the doorbell rang again, I half expected it to be Trevor. Standing on my front porch, I wished it had been him. It would have been better. I needed it to be him, but when I opened the door. Michael stood there, handsome, his whole person completely untouched by the rain. I sighed. My stomach twisted in its pit, and I held back the bile in my throat. He took in my odd stance and looked at me anxiously. But the look was fake, it was off, wrong in a way. Like he had rehearsed how he was supposed to look, to make a girl like me feel special.

"Hey, you still want to go tonight?" He asked. Hope rising in his words.

"Yeah, of course I do Michael. Why wouldn't I?"

"Oh, okay. It was just you looked a little, scatter-brained is all."

"Oh, it's nothing. I just hit my head earlier." I lied.

He nodded. "Okay. Well lets go. I have something special planned for tonight."

We walked to his car, but it wasn't the polished car that caught my attention. But the old pickup truck, that was parked back a few meters, hidden badly by a few bare trees. And who sat at the wheel? Trevor. His face was contorted oddly. But I could tell he was hurt. He revved the truck to life. And let it idle, while Michael helped me into the car. Then as Michael got in the headlights caught us, and illuminated us. I looked back, but Trevor was hidden in the veil of light. Michael started the car, and we drove off.

…

We had been out for two hours, and Trevor's truck never left sight for more than a few seconds. It was reassuring to me, he was protecting me, but at the same time it was awkward, and mildly annoying. But at dinner, Michael's real intentions came clear, and I was become worried. After we had eaten, he led me out the back to his father's old Buick. It was large and roomy… And Trevor had no idea… I got in, slightly reluctantly. And Michael drove again. But as soon as the town started to become less and less dense, I knew he was taking us out into the country.

"Take me home." I demanded.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I don't feel well." I said begrudgingly. He stopped the car, and turned the key in the ignition. My heart stopped in my throat, and a cold fearful sweat started to cling to my skin. The car turned off, and without the headlights lighting up the night sky, I couldn't see in front of me. I listened, but I had no idea where he was. My handle searched for my door handle, and when I found it, I kept a firm grip on it.

"You don't have to lie to me Kate." He said, seductively. "I know, you must be nervous."

"About what?" I laughed, the sound catching unpleasantly at the end.

"About this." He said. And I felt his hand on my knee. I pushed it away fiercely.

"Don't touch me!" I hissed. But as I yelled my warning, his lips came down on top of mine. And his whole body pinned me against the door. I thrashed against him, but my meek one hundred forty pounds, were no match to almost two hundred pounds of muscle. "STOP!" I screamed when I found a way to breathe. He silenced me again, and I pushed at his chest. One of his hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer. While the other slowly moved up my leg. I continued to push on him, and then I remembered. My hand was still wrapped tightly around the door handle.

I pulled the handle hard, the pinned arm seized in pain, but the door flew open, and we both fell out of the car. I kicked at him as he rolled out. He tumbled over and landed a few feet away from me. That's when I ran. I just stood up and ran. The rain decanted down on me, but I kept running. I was afraid he would follow me, but he never did. And I was thankful for that, I had no idea what time it was when I finally made it to the outskirts of town, but I broke down then.

I slumped to the ground and curled up near the edge of the road. Safe from view, unless someone came right on top of me, or if someone was still looking for me. I saw the lights long before I heard the engine. It puttered along slowly, stopping every now and then. But when it stopped, I panicked. When I heard the door open I jumped back to my feet. I was in so much pain, but I was too scared to care. I turned to run, but two hands firmly caught me before I had a chance. I screamed out, but it was cut short when I started to cry. Mumbling incoherently to myself, I was turned around and hugged.

"You need to try to breathe. Can you do that for me?" It was Trevor's reassuring voice, whispering in my ear. His fear was outweighing his anger at the moment. But I heard it. I nodded into his shoulder. "Okay. Good. Alright." He breathed. "I am going to get you home, but you need to help me on this, and not scream again, and don't try to fight me." I just nodded.

He heaved me up into his arms. His arm cradling my back, and the other holding me up by the back of the knee, I whimpered, but kept control of my emotions. Long enough for him to lift me into the truck seat, when he shut the door I went to pieces again, he got in and only watched me silently. Never breathing or moving, just waiting… I finally gained control of my breathing, my body was still trembling, but I had enough nerve to keep my voice from quavering uncontrollably.

"What time is it?" I whispered. My eyes were dissecting the cracks of the windshield.

"It's a quarter to eleven." He said. His voice empty, hollow… I hated the vacant sound his words made in the small cramped space. "Do you want to tell me what happened? Or am I going to be forced to guess?"

"I – I – can't talk about it… I'm sorry." I muttered, my voice broke, I was on the verge of breaking apart again.

"I already think I know." He said. "I'm going to kill him!!" He seethed, his words were final and insolent.

"No! You cannot do that." I cried.

"And why not? Hmmm?" He stipulated. "He deserves it, for what he did to you. He deserves it."

"Because…" I began loudly, "If you get revenge on him, you'll go to jail and then I won't be able to see you anymore… And …" I stopped suddenly. I had not just said that to him. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, he was looking at me with a puzzled expression. And I didn't blame him, to hear this after I had so rudely kicked him out of my house and denied everything he had proved, rejected him and my true feelings, and I had just spilled my soul like a moron. Great!

"And?" He cajoled.

"Nothing."

"It didn't sound like nothing."

"It's nothing." I insisted.

"Liar!" He teased.

"So what if I am! I can't very well admit I was wrong! Now can I?"

"Wrong about what?" He asked. A smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

"Wrong about Michael. Wrong about you. Just wrong in general. I am liar. Because I stood there, right in front of you, and when you said you were in love with me. I- I lied to you and said I didn't have any feelings like that for you. And that is so far from the truth that it tasted so awful to me, and it just hurt to say it to you. But I did and I don't know why. Agh!!"

"Wow… Well this is a little odd, isn't it?"

"You have no idea. But I'm sorry I lied to you." I said dejectedly. "I didn't mean a word of it."

"Usually people don't say what they don't mean."

"I do. I never seem to be able to admit that to you. It hurts too much…"

It grew silent in the cab of the truck, and the tension built up so much, that I was afraid to speak, or even breathe. I held my breath to keep from doing anything I would regret later on. He turned the key, and let the truck idle for a few minutes. –He was waiting for me to speak first. But I was too scared of the situation.- He sighed, and started to drive back through town. He finally broke the silence, when he stopped at his father's diner.

"Why does it hurt?" He asked. His voice sincere and curious.

" I actually don't know." I admitted. "But everything hurts when it comes to you." I said sheepishly. He growled and stared to hit his head on the steering wheel. "Stop that." I said. He growled again. And I hopped out of the truck. Slamming the door loudly behind me. I walked and leaned against the front of his truck. And like clockwork his door slid open, and shut quietly behind him. He walked up to me, slowly, concentrating on each step he took. I waited until he was so close that I could feel his breath on my neck, it tingled oddly on my skin, it burned, and then it went icy cold. The sensation was difficult to ignore.

"Are you going to continue to give me the silent treatment?" He asked.

"No." I said. "As long as you stop getting angry with me, every time I make a mistake." I kept my back to him, and waited for his answer. He took a few deep breaths, deliberating his thoughts, trying to untangle the correct answer from the depths of his mind.

"I wasn't mad at you.. I was frustrated. With myself… I don't want you to be hurt when it comes to me. That is actually the opposite if what I want." He said. Leaning close to my ear.

"Then what do you want exactly?" I asked. I turned and looked right at him. He took a step back, so he could stare back, I narrowed my eyes. This was too damn difficult.

"I want you… I want both of us to be honest about our feelings and to get past the our past together.. To move beyond the difficulties we faced and to actually take the next step together…" He tried to smile. But I felt the shock on my face, he had said that so bluntly. It was so straightforward. It ht me far too hard, and I took a deep breath. "Now what do you want?" He asked.

"You already know what I want. It seems that everyone knows…" I said tartly.

"That's all I need to hear." He said. And he leaned down and kissed me. His lips pressed hard on mine. And I didn't scream. I wanted this. I wanted to be with him, and now. I had him. I had finally won. Nothing could go wrong now. Nothing… I finally had to break away, so that I could breathe. But I felt myself smiling, outside and on the inside.

"Am I that obvious?" I asked. Laughing. My breathing a little shaken and ragged.

"Well, I'm not going to answer that." He said. I glowered up at him.

"Good answer." I said. And I kissed him again.

…

July 4th, 1976…

"Whose dog tags are those?" Michael asked. I gasped and looked at him… I hadn't noticed that while I had been in my little reverie, my hand had clutched protectively over the chain that always adorned my neck. It had three things on it. Both of Trevor's dog tags, my engagement ring, and the locket Trevor had given me, when we thought he was going to graduate and leave for college. It had a picture of him from then and a small photo of him in his uniform before he was shipped out. I checked to make sure they were all there.

"Oh… These are Trevor's." I said tersely. "I promised him, I would never take them off if something happened to him, and I don't plan to."

"Ah ha… But what would you do if you married again. That is not exactly a honest relationship." Michael said. I glared at him.

"I don't plan on remarrying. And I don't appreciate you judging me for how I live. You and everyone here live in this tiny little Chicago suburb and never leave. You live in a god damn bubble and you have no idea what life is really like." I said loudly. And my voice still rising, I noticed how the whole yard had grown quiet, and everybody seemed to be staring at me in shock. But I kept going. "And don't you come here and hit on me. Because I am some lonely widow, or because we had something back in high school. Because guess what he didn't!! You used me! And I figured it out. And you r little perverted ego can go straight to hell with you and with everyone else who keeps trying to manipulate my future!! I LOVED TReVOR!!! God damn it! And none of you knew him for shit… And you all treat his disappearance like nothing. Like he never mattered to anyone. But he did, he mattered to me. He made me happy. And you all just sit here with your stuck up noses and ignore the fact that he is gone. But if dear old Michael here had gone missing you would have a memorial service and everything."

"Some people are more influential than others Kate." Michael said smugly, and with that I turned on him and swung at him, my fist slamming into his nose, with a loud, crunching sound.

"Agh!" He yelped, as he crumpled to the ground. A list of profanities spewing from his mouth.

"I should have done that sophomore year" I spat, nudging him away from my feet, his face was contorted in pain as he continued to swear loudly. His hand was holding his nose, that was upturned in a inhumane direction, blood trickling down his face and onto his hands.

"You are a bitch." He said.

"Oh well. I don't care." I said. And I turned on my heel, and walked towards my mother and father. As I maneuvered through the crowded back yard, people stepped aside, their eyes averted. But some stared, in fury, disgust, fear. I couldn't really tell, nor did I want to know. My mother clutched Jamie closer to her, as I walked up to her.

"Mom, give me Jamie please. I am going home." I said, evenly.

"No. You are in no condition to go anywhere." She said firmly. My eyes followed my father. As he slinked away from us, he soon disappeared into the growing group of people. All of them watched my mother and I anxiously, ready to intercede at any moment.

"Please, just give me Jamie." I said, reaching for him.

"No." she said.

"He is my child." I argued. "You have no rights to keep him away from me."

"You are not secure enough to be near, Katherine dear. You need help. And Jamie, well he needs consistency."

"What do you mean?" I asked. I was starting to panic.

"We'll watch him until you get back."

"What!?" I yelled. "Get back from where?"

Kate! Watch out!! Natalie screamed.

Then everything went hazy, as a sharp, but small, cold pain, pierced my neck. I felt the air getting thick and warm, and I had no sense of direction. I staggered and toppled. The ground rushing up on me, my head smacked into the grass below. Legs rushed towards me. I blinked crazily, my head was swimming and my stomach heaved. Then it all went black, and quiet.

…

Now you did it, you moron. You had to go and punch the prick. Didn't you?

What are you mumbling about? You wanted to, just as much as I did.

So? I stayed in control now didn't I?

Oh just shut u- … Where the hell are we?

Hell

I'm being serious Natalie.

I'm not sure. Whatever it was that hit you, affected me too. So I wasn't able to keep a look out. But all I know is that we are alone. And that a good amount of time has passed.

WHAT!

Keep your calm please. Don't move. It hurts. Trust me I know.

How? You are trapped inside of my head.

Only when you are awake Kate, when you are asleep, I have complete control.

Oh great…

I breathed heavily. Trying to feel around for my surrounding, it was cold. Prickly to the skin, the air tingled uncomfortably as I breathed. Burning my nerves and then making them numb. Something, sharp, and unpleasant, was attached to my arm. Helping to hinder me, it was small, cold, and metal. A needle.

Oh my God!!!

Calm!!

I'm Trying! I'm trying! I yelled at her.

I flexed my muscles, and they stung in response. No real movement, just a small quiver of motion, one that was barely noticeable to the human eye. I sighed sadly, and continued. My legs they had something rough wrapped tightly around my ankles. It rubbed at my skin, chaffing it, and making a low, nipping pain. The same thing was on my wrists. Only my wrists throbbed, they felt completely raw. They burned at the very thought of them.

What the hell did you do? I accused.

I told you! I moved…

Well don't. You are going to kill us.

Not hardly Kate, you are restrained for that very reason.

I didn't do this. It was you!

Do you think they understand that?

No.

Exactly. To them. We are the same person. We are Katherine Natalie Williams. Not Kate and Natalie. Just one whole unit.

So they think We're crazy.

Unfortunately. And I think we play the part very well. How many people do you know, who can talk to themselves. And actually have another real part of them answer? One who is totally separated from the rest of the uniformed parts??

I've got one.

We don't count genius.

I forgot you could hear what I'm thinking.

You Are Thinking!!!

What?? I thought I was talking aloud.

You can't… Whatever is coming from that damn needle, is keeping us immobilized, at least until they want to let us move. Gauging from the weakness of your body, I'd say we've been like this for a week. And finally whatever sedative they gave us. Well it finally wore off of you. And it is about time. I was getting bored.

Ugh… This is not right. How could my parents do this to me?

Your dad… He has no complaints about locking you up and throwing away the key…

Oh… I can't say I'm surprised. But it still stings. Ouch…

Don't worry about it Ka- She started. She stopped talking and receded in apprehension… I listened hard. The distant sound of a door slamming shut, filled the room. Someone's coming. She whispered. I heard deep controlled breathing. And I shuddered…

No. I corrected. Someone is here…

Chapter Four:

July 15th, 1968

Thomas had finally made it to California. With barely a handful of belongings to his name, and the constant guilt of abandoning our parents on his shoulders. He and I were taking a nice mid-day drive through the streets of San Francisco, admiring the beautiful landscape, and heading for the Golden Gate Park. Trev had a few 'gigs' this week. Three in Las Vegas, and two more in a few rundown old clubs, near LA. He and I had decided, that the road was no place for me. We had hit a roadblock in our relationship. He was on the left side, and I was just standing on top of it. Wondering whether or not to go for it, or tear a bigger wedge between us. I looked at the ring on my finger, and sighed.

"Please stop being depressed." Thomas growled. Looking at me with a shrewd eye.

"I'm not… I'm tired…. And thinking…"

"About?"

Don't you dare tell him! This is where I draw the line… He cannot know about me! Or what we are both thinking about!! Natalie interceded. I rolled my eyes.

And why not? I trust him…

Because the 'sex' talk will be awkward with your brother!! Duh!! She hissed…

"About Trevor and I." I said… I saw the pallor of his skin change to a sickly green, then to a dull faded white. Too late! I laughed at her. She growled in disapproval. And I waited for Thomas' response.

"Um… Such as what with you and Trevor?"

"Sex…" I said bluntly.

Oh my God!!! You have no boundaries! Do you!? You are so lucky, that I am only an Essence. Because if I was more. I would kick your ass for that!! You are going to make Thomas vomit. She screamed this as I spoke the word. Thomas slammed his foot in the brakes, and the car slid to arrest. I let my breath out, after I realized it had been stuck in my throat, along with my voice…

You almost got us killed!!! Kate! I am going to kill you. Where are you? You evil EGO!! I am going to hunt you down here, and kick your Essence ass!!!

Stop using that word. Essence!! And stop!! Just relax.

Fine… But I am staying out of this 'sex' conversation!!

No! Wait!! I need your opinion on that too!!

Oh. Really now?? Ugh. Fine. But you so owe me.

How am I going to repay you?

More time with Trevor….

No….

Grrrrrrr…..

Grr!!!

"Are you serious Kate?? Sex? You are coming to me to talk about sex?" Thomas asked. His voice was completely flustered.

"No. You asked. And I didn't feel like lying…"

"Have you had sex with him?"

I looked at him for a long time. Then I smiled half heartedly and looked away. "… No. That's why I am thinking about it." I admitted shamefacedly, "I just started to worry bout that sort of stuff."

"Why?" Thomas asked.

"Because he and I are going to get married, and I don't know…." I said stopping. Natalie had been right. This was beyond awkward. I wanted to sink into the seat and be invisible right now.

I told you so… She hissed in the back of my mind.

Thomas eased the car forward again, and we drove in silence. I stared out the window. Fuming at myself, and feeling terribly incompetent. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally wasted. And what made it even worse, was that the one person I could always count on to be there for me, was in another state. – Not that, him being here would change anything. We'd still be trying to face the distant void that had torn us apart in the first place.- When Thomas pulled into the parking area for Golden Gate Park, my stomach clenched violently. I rubbed my fingers hard against my temples. Trying to think clearly, but anything coherent slipped through the cracks of my mind.

"I can't give you any advice on this, Kate." Thomas finally said. "But, I would rather you not do anything, unless you know for sure that you are not going to regret in the end of it all."

"I know… Thanks."

"I'm going to be heading out in a week or two." He said. His manner was masked. So I looked at him confused. "I joined the Marines while I was in Alabama. The war in Nam has gotten larger. And I want to have my time over seas in before the draft begins."

"Wha- what?"

"Kate. Don't act so surprised."

"I'm not. I'm pissed off. You can't go!"

"Why not?"

"What if you get shot?!"

"I won't. I'm going to basic at Fort Benning, Georgia. I won't ship out for a six months. At the most."

"The most?"

"Well yes. I'm not going to be stateside for a year to two years. But since I have college experience, I'll be put in as a Lieutenant. Which means I'll be in charge of a platoon."

"I know what it means." I hissed.

"Kate…"

"Stop, just stop… Do mom and dad know?"

"I told them last time I called them." He said. I looked out the window. Glaring at the ground, "You might want to tell Trevor to enlist now too. If he joins now, there is a better chance he can see less action and be in the Navy or Air Force. Which will put him out of the line of fire."

"Trevor will not be going over there." I said resolutely.

"I'd like to see you keep him if his draft card is pulled. Once that happens, he'll be a front line foot soldier… And a low pawn at that…" Images flooded my head and I shuddered. How was I going to save him?

…

Later that night, I picked up the receiver that was sitting in the bed room, and dialed the number that Trevor had given me. He said 'to call whenever I needed him, even if it was just to hear his voice.' And I'd made him promise to call if he missed me… That had been three days ago. And no such call had been made. The phone rang and I waited, the other handset clicked after the fifth ring.

"Hello?" A lovely, young, female voice asked. I stammered a few times.

"Is- uh. Is this the number for a Matthew Rogers?"

"Um no. I'm sorry."

"Oh. Okay. Thank you…" I said. Biting my tongue to keep from saying anything more, then I slammed the receiver down.

In Las Vegas…

"A woman just called." Sammie said to one of the other girls, -a few of the other guys had picked a few of the girls to keep them company while we were here. The thought hadn't settled pleasantly with me. It was actually quite repulsive.- I looked up from where I was sitting. But they weren't looking for anyone. I heaved a sigh, and stood up. Walking over to the phone.

"Trev-or…" Maggie's whiney voice said. Making a un-needed emphasis on my name. "What's wrong?" She came up and hugged my shoulders. Her hand sliding up and down my chest, playing with the buttons of my shirt, I side stepped from her grasp, but she clung to my hand.

"Maggie… I told you… I'm not interested." I said emphatically. She looked at me with big green eyes, and I groaned.

"Why not?" she asked, seductively, creeping closer, and trying to hang on me more, "I can be, whatever you want me to be, whoever you want, and anything you need." My abdomen burned, trying to avoid the urge to hurl.

"No you can't." I snapped. And I pulled away again and grabbed the receiver off the hook. I started to dial the number for the apartment, but Maggie stormed up to me and slammed the hand set down. And glared at me.

"What does she have that I don't?" She yelled. "I'm better looking, and I love your music, and I can tour with the band whenever you all move on. And she can't even come to one lousy show?!"

"You're not better looking than Kate, and aside from that, you are not my type."

"The hell I'm not." She growled. Pulling a folded up photo from her pocket, she handed it to me, I unfolded it and stared at it. It was the photo I always had in my guitar case. It was the photo of Kate that I had taken when we had gotten locked out of my truck one night when it had been pouring down, and I walked her home…

"Why do you have this??" I asked, putting it carefully into my pocket, she snatched for it, but I backed away from her.

"Because… I had to see what I was up against… And she's no challenge. I could be so much more."

"Not hardly," I scoffed.

"Fine… Tell me one thing she has, that attracts you and I don't have." She folded her arms across her chest and stared at me. I leaned in close to her and glared at her.

"Kate and I have history, she has virtue, she has morals, she has freedom and courage… And not to mention I am in love with her…."

"Oh wow. I have all of those… Well most of them."

"She at least has a heart." I stated. She didn't answer, she just continued to glare, but her mouth moved into a frown. Her eyebrows furrowed viciously. "And better yet, she has a personality… Now excuse me… I am going to call her. And I don't want to see you anywhere near her or I ever again…"

"You are a bastard." She spat, and stormed away. I quickly redialed the number and waited…

"Hello?" Her voice asked. I was so relieved to hear her voice, that I almost laughed, but the resonance was sour. She sounded as if she had been crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Oh… Now you decide to call."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Who was the girl?"

"Wait! What girl?"

"The girl who answered the phone when I called, I didn't stay on the line long enough to catch her name."

"You were the one who called?"

"Ding ding dind, we have a winner."

"That was Sammie." I said resentfully.

"Is she keeping you busy?"

"No!" I sneered. "I'm not like that. And you should know that."

"I know…" She whispered.

"Then why are you questioning my integrity?"

"Because…" She began, her voice was thick and I could tell she was crying. "You never called."

"… I wanted to. But I am still confused. I didn't know if you would want me to call."

"I know… I'm sorry."

"Don't be… I should have called you… I told you I would call you whenever I missed you… And I didn't whenever I thought of you I felt so alone, but I hid in my music to keep my thoughts off of you…"

"Did it work?" She asked.

"What do you think?"

"Yes…"

"… No. I'm miserable." I said sternly. She didn't answer. And a thought entered my head. "'m coming to get you."

"What? No… You have your shows."

"I don't care."

"I'll get in the way though…"

"Stop arguing with me. Because you know I am going to win…"

"… Fine. Since you put it that way, I guess I have no choice…" She said, laughing lightly.

"I'll be there before tomorrow morning." I promised.

"I love you…" She said quietly. Almost to herself.

"I love you too. See you as soon as I get home. We can go and meet the group down in LA…"

"Okay…"

"I have to go now."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye love…" I said. And I waited till the line went dead. Then I laid the phone down… I ran over to Max, and told him where I was headed. He shook his head and laughed a little. But I was leaving in the old Camero, only fifteen minutes later…

…

1976.

The person had been standing in the room for a while. And I slowly felt a warm, tingling sensation surging through my limbs and body, I took a deep breath. The person jumped at the sound. And I heard the clatter as metal clanged to the floor. The voice swore, and I noticed it belonged to a younger woman. Then a cool hand touched my forehead. And I winced away from it.

"She is coming to." A man's voice said. The voice was as cold as the hand that it belonged to. I hissed involuntary.

Natalie. I accused.

Sorry. He rubs me wrong.

Me too… But we are trying to get out of here, remember that tiny detail?

… Sorry. She huffed. I'll mind my own business now.

Thank you. I sighed… I listened to the room intently. Waiting until I knew it was safe to 'wake up'.

"Ms. Williams?" The man asked, a vice leer in his voice. I shivered, and I could hear the smile on his next words. "She is responsive. This is good. . . Megan, give her the next shot, and make sure she is restrained. Then come and wake me when she is fully responsive. This waiting bores me so." And with that I heard him shuffle out. I felt the relief deluge me, along with another flaming shot. I twitched. And the timid female voice apologized softly. I felt sorry for her. She seemed out of her comfort zone. And used. But I had to focus on being good and getting out of this place. When the sensation in my veins eased, I opened my eyes. The movement was small, but it made my body sear in pain.

I scoped the room quickly, it was dingy and dark. Like a closet, or maybe a room that most people never knew existed. The door was barred and locked tightly. Windows were at the top near the ceiling and barely a good, clear of inch of light made its way through. I felt claustrophobic and started to struggle, trying not to move my arms and legs as much as possible. The small girl popped up beside me and stared at me astounded, she was small, with big fawn doe eyes, her hair was cut short and spiked oddly, and her blue scrubs made the hair even more vibrant in the dark room.

"You're awake!?" she said.

"I've been awake actually…"

"I need to get Dr. Richards." She said.

"NO!" Natalie yelled. I clasped my hand over my mouth. Stop that!!! I screamed at her. The girl had stopped a few steps away from the door, and she looked back at me with pitied eyes.

"Please. Don't get him. He… He, scares me." I said. It sounded dumb to admit fear, but I had nothing to play but the pity card and I wasn't going to be picky.

"I'm only an intern. I can't do anything to you…. The doctor said you are a wreck and that you need to have treatment." She said sadly.

"I'm not mental." I said calmly. "If I was 'sick' I would have been throwing a fit right? I'm just a girl. Like you… How old are you?" I asked. Trying to find a chord.

"Twenty six." She said.

"See. I'm only twenty-eight. What's your name?" I asked, even though I already knew.

"Its Megan. Megan Marie Young."

"Are you married?" I asked.

She paused and looked down sheepishly. "… Not yet. I'm engaged."

"So was I. What does your fiancé do, Megan?"

"He was in the Army right before the draft… Now he teaches high school."

"That's good." I said sadly. She looked at me with big eyes. And I knew she could sense the pain in me.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"Yeah…" I choked. "I'm sorry too." As I said the words, I felt my head droop and I sighed. The door swung open and Dr. Richard's stormed in with my father. I felt my stomach haul spitefully and Natalie hissed at both of them. The Doctor stared at my eyes. And they pierced me deep. I wanted to pull away, but the restraints held tight. My ankles and wrists burned in agreement. Natalie recoiled away from the man's gaze. And he seemed to follow her.

I don't trust him! She spat. He SEES me. He knows I'm here.

Stop then! I yelled. And she stopped roaming restlessly in my mind. And with that he looked away.

"Megan." He said. The girl walked up to him solemnly. "Leave us now." Megan gave me a poignant glance and left the room quickly. Then Dr. Richards smiled deviously at me. Now Mr. Williams what exactly did you have in mind for young Kate?"

Bastard! Natalie and I screamed in unison.

…

Chapter Five:

July 16th, 1968

I navigated my way through the city at nearly four a.m., the late night fog was still thick, close to the bay. And I struggled to keep my eyes alert. The road seemed to drag on forever. Street signs, slugged by ever so slowly, finally I read a familiar name. "Madison Boulevard." And turned sharply, then I started to count the mail boxes, not only to keep track of where I was, but to stay awake as well. "One, two, three…"

…

August 20th, 1964

"Four, five, and six" I beamed, lying all of my cards down. "I have a run." She stared at me in aw.

"I'll never understand how you are able to do that Trevor." Kate said. The aw still clinging to her words. She sat down her measly pair of eights and laughed at herself. I laughed at her too.

"That's the fun of it." I joked. She frowned at this and pulled a few strands of hair away from her eyes.

The sun shined brightly, in the late afternoon. Summer was nearly over. And I was not looking forward to two years without seeing Kate almost all the time.

"You ready for high school?" she asked –as if she had read my very thoughts-

I looked at her in upset shock. "Geez, of course not! Kate that is a ridiculous question."

"It made since to me." She laughed.

"What is so special about the ninth grade? Honestly now? I'm only fourteen!"

"I'm not sure. But there has to be something." She said. Not looking at me.

"Well there isn't." I sated matter o' facttly. "Not for me."

"What about high school girls?" She asked inquisitively.

"Girls? Psh. They are the same thing as they were in middle school."

"Fine." She said. "you'll be older and more honorable."

"Okay. I like the girl excuse better. The honorable Trevor James." I tasted the words. They were bile.

"You never know T, it may grow on you."

"Hardly." I scoffed. "Besides. Girls. Womens. They hold no interest to me."

"Why not?" Kate demanded.

"Because my father always said womens are only good for, pleasure, cooking, having kids, breaking your heart and leaving ya in the end." I said. "And according to my father my mother never was any good at the first three or so…." I laughed. Kate stared. "What?"

"What is pleasure??" She asked.