Don't ask why. You don't want to know.

~~0~~0~~0~~

So what if the U.S economy was still shit? He'd seen it all, day by day, and he was getting bored.

Bill cast his mind's eye out into the world, seeing everything all at once.

Then, he saw her.

The most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

Her head was round and leafy. Greener and cleaner than he's ever seen, clear and hot droplets of water slowly soaking down her leaves and onto the ground, slow and steady.

If he had a mouth, he'd be licking his lips. She was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen in his entire eternity.

The lettuce was just sitting there, on the counter of an empty house, abandoned and forgotten by the very people who bought her beauty. Seeing the poor thing all alone, Bill popped into reality, right next to the leafy loaf of gorgeousness.

"Hey, aren't you looking a little lonesome." Bill purred huskily.

The lettuce, of course, said nothing.

It was merely a vegetable after all.

"Listen, I know we just met and all, but I'm seriously in love with you. So, my sweet, sweet sphere of potential salad-y goodness, will you marry me?"

The lettuce said nothing.

"I know I don't have a ring- and you don't have fingers, but I truly do love you and I will love you till the end of forever. You will want for nothing."

The lettuce still said nothing.

Bill blinked.

"If you want to marry me, continue saying nothing."

Lettuce is an inanimate object. So, it of course said nothing.

"Yes! Ah, I love you so much! Let's go!"

Bill blipped him and his lettuce away, back into the Mindscape.

Back inside the weird dream world that no one really understood but Bill, the triangle dropped his lettuce on the ground in front of him.

"Now, I am going to make sweet, sweet love to you."

Bill hung his weird-ass flat triangle head on his hand in deep thought. How was he to have intercourse when he didn't really have any holes and whatnot...

Unless he made a hole.

Bill reached up and dug his fingers into his eye. Glad that he really didn't have a physical body or nerve endings that went up to a brain for that matter, Bill dug deeper into his eye socket until his fingers had enough leverage before ripping the entire orb out, letting it float slightly above him so he could still see.

Making sure everything was fine, Bill fingered the new gaping pit in his face. If he had lips, he's be smiling right now.

"There we go! That'll work! Right, my sweet little ball of rabbit food?"

The lettuce was still just lettuce and of course, did not reply.

Bill gently picked up the lettuce in both his hands, his single eye floating in midair-that-did-not-exist watching his body go through the motions with a lusty hunger.

Bill growled a bit. Since he still didn't have a physical body, he couldn't really feel hot, aroused, turned on, and whatever those weird humans called this. But Bill had been watching them for centuries and it was high time he gave this activity of their's a try.

Palming the lettuce gently, Bill slowly rubbed his fingers over each leaf, feeling the moisture stick to him in a tantalizing way. He rolled his thumbs on the underside of the head, feeling the small ridges give way under his ministrations.

Deciding he couldn't wait any longer, Bill shoved the entire head into his eye socket, making sure his lettuce's precious and gentle leaves brushed against him every thrust he made the vegetable do.

It was a weird non-sensation to say the least, but that didn't mean he didn't enjoy the act.

Or the view he was getting.

Bill slowed the thrusting down as the minutes that didn't actually exist ticked on account that he didn't really know how long humans kept up this sort of activity. Finally, Bill pulled the lettuce out of his socket, gasping in horror.

Somehow, the lettuce had aged tremendously during his act of making love, leaving it rotten and disgusting. The vegetable fell apart in his hands, gone forever.

Bill popped his eye back into his socket, letting out a sob as he floated down to the ground, curling up in on himself.

How could this have happened? How could he have let this happened to his sweet, sweet leafy goddess?

Bill couldn't actually cry, but that didn't stop the sobs from wreaking havoc on his body, nor did it stop the rush of desperation, remorse, and sorrow coming in all at once.

"I'm so sorry, my beautiful lettuce. I am so sorry."

~~0~~0~~0~~