Feel It

by charliesDIM

"I need this control, and she needs to feel like everyone else."

1. The Tired Detective

Title: Feel It

Summary: "I need this control, and she needs to feel like everyone else."

Rating: M (that means Mature, ya know…because of the sex.)

Pairing: Rizzoli/Isles (is there any other possible pairing for that show?)

Author's Notes: This story takes place immediately after the events of "I'm Your Boogy-man". I wrote this in present tense, because I really felt like getting a headache, and there wasn't a hammer anywhere in sight. I don't love writing in present tense, obviously, but don't be scared, because I'm not terrible at it. I just thought that it would be challenging for a nice, short, and angsty fanfic about our lovely detective. But I forgot that short drabbles are nearly impossible for me, because I just keep going and going, and then there's a metaphor about a battery operated rabbit. So, this is part one, of three chapters. I hope you all like it, because despite my protests, I did enjoy writing this.

Disclaimer: I don't own it. (What? I totally thought you did!) I know, weird, right? But TNT and Tess G. hold the rights, not me. (Hey, that rhymed.) You're right, voice in my head. It did!

Feedback: Would you, really? I love feedback like I love Sasha Alexander's curious head tilt…which is a lot. Flames are welcome, but they are also ignored. Constructive criticism is not. :)

Chapter One:

[The Tired Detective]

I'm tired. Well, I probably should be. I'm not tired.

I'm on edge, running on adrenaline, and I know I'll crash soon. My body will catch up to my mind, slow itself down, and then, then I'll be tired. Not now though, now all my nerves are raw, and senses are shot.

I shouldn't be here.

I shouldn't have sent off Dean. He would've been good for me tonight. I could've taken him home and worked off all this excess tension. Yeah, should've, would've, could've, right Jane? But it wouldn't have been right, and it wasn't a lie when I said I wasn't ready for someone like him. He's in the tune of protector, and I don't need that. Give me a few notes of understanding silence, and maybe I'll hum along.

I should be here. I knew I would've ended up here anyway, because I always do.

I run my fingers over the palms of my hands, feeling the raised and rough skin of my scars, my palms feeling the numbness of dead tissue. My knuckles crack a little as I flex my fingers, before I ring the doorbell.

Apprehension starts to grip me after a few seconds of silence. I strain to hear footsteps, or the clicking sound of locks being unfastened. This is stupid. She just spent 48 hours straight with me, she probably wants to be alone, or she's sleeping. Which is what I should be doing. I should be alone and sleeping.

The seconds aren't as long as I'm making them out to be, and before I can turn around and leave, she opens the door.

And I sigh.

She smiles brightly, like always.

The side of my mouth twitches up slightly, as my eyes downcast. I'm embarrassed a little, at how just seeing her face makes me feel so much better.

"Jane, hi." I notice that she changed into a more casual outfit which included a silk blouse that probably cost more than three of my wardrobes put together. But it's blue and I almost tell her how nice she looks.

"Sorry I didn't call." I say instead. She backs away from the door frame, as an invitation to enter, and I take it, only hesitating slightly.

"You know you don't have to." Maura closes and locks the door behind me. I don't have to, and I don't usually, but something's off—

"How are you holding up?" My nerves are raw, that's all. I push my uneasiness into the back of my mind, and she leads us to the couch to sit down.

"Better…" She smoothes her hands along her thighs, flattening the wrinkles out of her black slacks. "Since I got to change out of my wrinkled dress." Maura laughs a little and looks at me. I look away. My hands clench into a fist, and I really shouldn't be here.

"I know that must have been torture." A chuckle comes out, joining in her attempt to lighten the mood, but my voice sounds rough and cracked.

"I thought you were going to dinner with Gabriel." Her voice sounds strange.

"I did. It was a short dinner." She stayed quiet for a moment, understanding. Her hand moves over to my lap, where mine are balled up in fists. I'm so wound up; I actually jump a little when she touches me. I mumble a half word apology, but still don't let her hand settle in mine.

She stands up a little quick, flashing me a grin. "I'll get us some wine—"

"Am I interrupting something?" She's acting jumpy and uncomfortable, and sure I'm not one to talk, but something about her is off. It could be the case, it could just be me.

"No, of course not. Just sit down and relax." Maura runs her hand down the top of my arm as a gesture of comfort. "I'll be right out with two glasses." She walks toward the kitchen before stopping and facing me. "Red or white?"

"Vodka?" I reply with a sigh, leaning back against the couch. She tilts her head slightly, as if considering my request.

"I'll be right back."

And I'll be right behind you. There is one thing that makes Maura unlike anyone in this world. She is easier to see through than glass. Really, really clean glass that you think isn't there and then you walk right into it. So when she acts odd, I notice. When something's off, I know.

As soon as she disappears from view, I slip off my shoes and coat, and follow her. I walk quickly but quietly through the doorway and into an empty kitchen. Somebody give me the 'best detective in the world' award.

I take a left to a hallway that I know leads to her office, keeping an eye out for Bass, knowing that if I trip over that monstrosity, it might blow my cover.

The door to her office is cracked open; my hand pushes on it gently, hoping to keep quiet. I see her back to me, in front of her desk, distracted while she gathers papers.

What are you hiding, Maura?

"What are you doing?" I ask, a little confused and a little angry, trying to decide which emotion to lean towards. She jerks at the sound and spins around to face me, grabbing the edge the desk behind her.

"Jane." It only takes me a second to recognize what's on her desk. "I was just, just researching, um…"

I'm in front of her in two steps, and push her to the left, looking down at interview transcripts, psych evaluations, and Hoyt's big ugly name all over it. I notice the computer tower's on, but the screen isn't.

"Those are just from the case, I—"

"I know what they are." I reply, my voice low and distracted. She lets out a small noise of protest as I turn the computer screen on.

Hoyt's grinning face stares at me as I see that she was watching his interview tape. I turn it back off. Resist the urge to put my fist through the screen of the computer.

He gets to take so much away from me, just like he always does. But he doesn't get to take her. He doesn't get to consume her like he does me. I won't let him fucking touch her, not like that, not like anything. I'm leaning toward anger now, deep and dark rising up inside me.

"What are you doing?" I ask again, more dangerously. I look at her and she hesitates. Gauging her words. Getting ready to tell me a selective truth without telling me anything. Just like glass.

"I was getting rid of it."

I nod. Okay. "Here, let me help." I swipe my hands across her desk, knocking everything I could reach off and on the floor, in a quick and violent motion. Maura squeaks from shock, as papers and pens fly and hit the wall behind me. Her keyboard gets caught in the current, now hanging by its cord loosely off the edge of her desk.

I face her, squarely with my hands on my hips.

"I just-…" Her voice brakes, getting a little higher. "I wasn't…" No, please Maura don't do that. "I wanted to know." Don't cry.

Tears swell up in her eyes, making my face soften instantly. I'm an asshole. I'm an angry tired jerk, and I hate, hate, hate myself when I make her cry. She tries to turn away, but I keep her still, gently putting my hands on her shoulder.

"I already told you." I lean down, trying to get her to look at me, but she won't. "You're nothing like him." I squeeze her shoulders gently for emphasis; causing her to make eye contact.

"I'm nothing like you either…or anyone else." I take a step closer to her, and move my hands up to the back of her neck, keeping her gaze on me.

"You're not a sociopath." I say softly, every bit of anger drained out of me. My thumb reaches up to catch a stray tear that rolls down her cheek. "You're honest and caring, and you feel, Maura. I know you do." I quiet sob comes from her throat, and I pull her against me, closing the space. I can't let her see how easy it is for her to tear out my heart, and that's exactly what she's doing. She hugs me hard, and I feel the shaking of her breath against me, ragged and broken. My hands smooth down and up her back, trying to comfort the pain I just caused.

A few moments pass, and her breathing becomes more regular, then I feel the gentle release of her hold. We pull apart slightly, and before I know enough to stop myself I place a soft kiss on her forehead. My hand settles itself in the warmth behind her ear, fingers wrapped in the gold of her hair. She looks at me with wide innocent eyes, and a soft smile.

"I felt that." She says, causing a smile form on my lips as well.

"See? Just like anyone else." My thumb starts to run down the length of her neck and up to her cheek.

It's quick. The sudden shift in our demeanor, and sharp intake of breath. Comfort turns to lust in an instant, but I couldn't tell you which instant it was. All I know is that now I'm trailing the fingertips of one hand down the length of her spine, while the other traces circles along her jawbone. She's grasping at my hips, pulling me gently against her.

I lean closer, just a little. Just enough to feel her chest against mine, to feel her breathing in short quick intakes, just like me.

"Jane." She whispers, eyes unsure and full of warning.

Yeah, I know. These thoughts are not without risk. It's just exhaustion and stress, with a side of trauma, making me have this ache in the pit of my stomach. Just an overload of emotions mixing which cause me to imagine all my problems melting away in her lips. Her hands are wrapped up in my shirt, impatiently waiting for me.

These thoughts are not safe. And I know that.

"I know." Because I do.

Then I kiss her.

Because I'm stupid.

But, oh God, when I kiss her—…all my problems melt away. All I feel, all my senses are consumed by her, by her lips. Soft, amazing lips that accept me willingly. I push into her a little more, needing more, moving my hands down and resting them on her hips. Her hands move up to my neck, pulling me into her. I love that she wants this, my head's swimming in the feeling of her, and when her tongue traces my bottom lip, I accept willingly. My mouth opens, quickly followed by the sensation of her tongue running along the roof of my mouth. Not to be outdone, I move to explore beyond her lips, explore and conquer and consume.

I feel dizzy.

I pull her into me more, securing her hips against mine. She moans. I feel the vibrations of the sound through my lips, and instantly it travels down my spine like electricity, making me shutter.

With a renewed vigor, I kiss her more rapidly, pushing against her, until I have her backed against the wall of her office. When I feel that she's secured against me, I break the kiss, letting us both breathe for a second. Then, my lips trail away, running along her cheek moving to her neck. Once I start kissing her again, I taste the salt that has collected on my lips. I remember, or maybe realize, suddenly that she was crying and vulnerable just a minute ago.

This is dangerous.

And stupid. So stupid, stupid, stupid. I should have taken Dean home. That would've been safe, and this is not safe. This is—

I hear her moan again as I find her pulse point and suck on it.

This is perfect.

My hands keep a tight grasp of her wrists, keeping them at her sides. I need this. I need this control, and she needs to feel like everyone else. She'll feel me, I'm sure of it.

I trail kisses up to her ear.

"You taste amazing." I whisper, pulling an earlobe between my teeth, gently nipping and running my tongue along the hollow of her ear.

Another moan. Lower this time, and I feel it deep in my stomach, clenching and responding. I rest my forehead on her shoulder, temporarily letting go of her wrists, so my hands are free to roam up her hips. They move under silk and lightly trace her ribs. Her breath is shaky, and she's scared. So am I, but she's not stopping me, and if I stop now, I'll never be able to go back…and I like it here. Fingers deftly run along the lines of muscles in her stomach, moving and running up the front of her breasts. She gasps. I feel lace and moan.

Lips attach to her neck again, focusing on the light bruise that I was working on a moment ago. My hands drop and come back up again, with shirt in tow, my intentions making themselves known. Maura's hands move up to mine, and I think she's going to push them away, and she's probably thinking the same thing, hesitating. I bite the soft skin that's occupying my mouth. Bite lightly, running my teeth along her neck,

She whimpers a little,

And then she's mine.

Her head gently hits the wall behind her and her hands help me pull her shirt off.

Once her too expensive garment is gone and forgotten behind me, I detach from her neck and take a step back so I can look at her. Which is probably a mistake. Because, oh my fucking God, she is beautiful. Her hair is slightly chaotic, eyes a glazed hazel and hooded as she looks at me. Her bottom lip gets caught in between her teeth. I watch her light skin turn a shade of light red while I stare in awe, her breath labored causing the rise and fall of her chest, covered in a black and pink lace bra. All I can think is; if she looks this beautiful now, I'm not going to be able to handle it when—

But she has other thoughts, and she reaches for me. Pulls me into her. I welcome the distraction, wanting to get back to her warmth anyway. We crash together, kissing passionately. Our tongues battle each other and she's not as easy to fight as I think. She holds her own, and her hands try to hold my head. I push my body against her, securing her between me and the wall.

The noises she's making are driving me crazy. It's all I can do not to tear her apart. To go slow. Make it count. Let her feel me.

My hands go to her lace covered breasts, running my nails down the sides, squeezing lightly. Searching briefly until I find the sensitive peaks of her nipples. I run my pad of my thumbs over them, pinch lightly. She breaks the kiss letting us both suck in oxygen for burning lungs.

"Jane…" Her eyes are locked on mine, and my hands keep busy, massaging through lace.

"Hmm?" Her back arches against me. And my grin is devious.

She's mine.

My knee nudges her legs apart, just slightly.

Every part of her.

I put my thigh against her, I push up, and I let her feel it.

Oh, God.

Maura groans and whimpers something beautiful.

She is so, God, she is so…hot. I can feel it—feel her right through to the bone of my thigh. It's the most amazing thing—

Then she starts to move her hips, pushing down on me, as I flex my muscles against her, and this—this is the most amazing thing I have ever felt.

I'm losing it—

I wrap my hands through her blonde hair, tangling and gently grabbing.

Just a little—

She's breathing so hard, eyes so unfocused, that I jerk my hand a little, making her look at me. Once her eyes are on me, her hips move faster…harder. Her hands stay on the back of my neck, like she's hanging on for her life.

I'm not the only one—

"Do you feel that?" I ask her, and wonder if she even heard me. My voice is almost gone, and my throat's dry. But she hears, nodding slightly.

Not good enough.

I run my hands along the back of her hips; push myself against her, moving with her.

"Tell me." I instruct, after I bite a little at her bottom lip.

"Yes."

"Does it feel good?"

"Yes, it feels good." She gasps, and I smile thinking that was all I wanted to hear. "Jane, I want you so bad." Her eyes burn into me. She kisses me hurriedly, moving her lips to my ear. "I want to feel you inside me…make me come."

Oh my fucking God.

My eyes roll back a little, and I shutter against her. She feels it too, because suddenly I feel her smile against my cheek. She's not shy, not nearly as much as I have imagined. And I have imagined. But I realize that she's much bolder than I give her credit for. And I am really okay with that.

I chuckle a little and clear my throat.

"I don't…I don't want—" My head's all fuzzy as I try to focus on my words.

Maura stops suddenly and moves to look at me again.

"You don't want to?" Fear and hurt shining in her eyes and her voice has a hint of panic. Yep, that's what glass looks like. I quickly try to clarify what was clearly misinterpreted.

"No—I mean, Yes, I do, but—"

"But, what?" Shit.

"Bedroom." Yes, short one word sentences seem to work best for me. I'll stick to that.

"Oh." She understands. "Okay," She smiles. "Bedroom." Yes.

We untangle from each other and she picks up my hand, leading us out of her office. I purposely don't look at her desk as we leave.

Maura walks with me through her kitchen to her bedroom, and it takes all I have not to give up on the idea of a bed and finish this in the kitchen. Because she's moving so slow. But I don't. I want to make it count…so I don't.

Once we arrive at our destination, I let go of her hand and start un-tucking my shirt. I try to choreograph how this is all going to play out in my mind, looking nervously at the bed. But I'm not nervous. Not really. Just…scared out of my freaking mind. I realize how very real this is, seeing that there's a bed and a willing and half naked Maura watching me intently. I take off my shirt, still lost in my thoughts.

I feel a hand on my arm, outlining muscles all the way up to my shoulder.

"You're so beautiful, Jane." She says in a voice I've never heard. Something deep and sexy. My face twitches slightly at the compliment, trying to smile but failing miserably. I'm starting to feel tense and awkward, and I want to feel what I was feeling a minute ago.

I gently pull Maura into me, liking the feeling of skin on skin. We kiss slowly, but determined, wrapping our tongues together in more of a dance than a fight this time. Her well manicured nails trail fire down my chest and find residence on my breasts that are covered by a white cotton bra.

I move us to the left a little, so I'm standing next to her dresser. Quickly, I unclip my gun and phone from my belt, placing it on a clear spot on the top. My lips don't leave hers though, and as soon as the task is done, my movements steer towards the bed. Maura's right hand suddenly continues its journey south, the back of her knuckles dragging down my stomach. I feel her fingers move under the waist band of my pants, causing me to break our kiss and watch her hand. After a brief moment of tracing the top of my underwear, her other hand came down working on the buckle of my belt.

Her lips attach to my neck and this is about all I can take.

"Oh, fuck Maur—"

My words are suddenly interrupted by her biting me on the neck. None too gently, I might add. She removes her lips and looks at me sternly.

"Language." She warns.

Really? Fucking really? She's trying to put her hand down my pants and I have to talk like I'm in church? I just look at her with indignant shock, until the distinct sound of metal clanging together reaches my ears, and I see with a glance down that she's completed the task of undoing my belt. When I look back up, her eyebrow is raised and she kisses me quick before giving a light tug to my waist band.

"Lay down on the bed."

I'm not sure when this turned from her writhing against me, to me taking orders. I'm not hating it, but it still leaves me curious. I turn and lay on my back, sideways on the bed. She moves with me, until she's straddling my upper thighs. Her hand grips the buckle of my belt and pulls sharply, removing it from my waist in one quick motion.

This is…awesome.

Maura tosses the belt on the floor and bends over, kissing me again.

Really, this is great.

My hands grip at her hips, feeling them move and rotate against me.

As fantastic as this is…

Her hands go back to my waistband, undoing the button.

This isn't what I want.

I break away from the kiss and grab her wrists.

This isn't what I need.

I pull her hands away from me, and flip us over. Almost instantly, her hands are above her head. I'm kneeling over her, her legs loosely wrapped around my hips. She's surprised and squeaks a little.

"What—"

"Please…Let me…" I plead, not knowing really what to ask for, and just hoping she can figure it out. And she does, looking at me for a second before nodding with a smile.

My head dips down and kisses along her chest until I reach the top of her breast that is still obstructed with her bra. My fingers pull the pink straps down, and move to her back. She arches up, allowing me access to the clasp. Once undone, I help her out of it, and then try very, very, hard not to gawk at her like a fifteen year old boy. I move my lips to their previous location, unintentionally groaning at the softness that I found. The soft and beautiful part of Maura that nobody gets to see but me. Nobody gets to touch, gets to taste…Mine.

I traced the underside of her left breast with my tongue, kissing and circling my way closer and closer to the prize. My nails trace and stroke her other breast, allowing goose bumps on her skin to rise, and causing her to shutter slightly.

Regardless, she is being awfully quiet, and I am determined to change that. Without warning, I put her nipple in my mouth, sucking and running my tongue around the tip.

She lets out a moan that almost sounds like humming.

"Mm, I like that sound. Do it again." I mumble against her, and then scrape my teeth gently along her nipple.

So, she does do it again, louder, and I think I hear my name mixed in there, and I love it.

Her hands come up to tangle into my hair, to which I instantly release her breast and once again claim her wrists. I pin her hands to each side of her head, and move so that I'm looking right at her.

"Stay." I squeeze her wrists for emphasis, my voice deep and my eyes dark. She nods submissively, and I move back to my previous location. I use my mouth to claim over every inch of her breast, and then shift to give the same attention to the other side.

She's moving her hips against me again; causing me to become pleasantly distracted. I rise up, kneeling in front of her, and move to unbutton her pants. Not wasting any time, pulling on them, and Maura lifts and straightens her legs, allowing me to easily pull them off. Then, she wraps her legs around my hips again.

Oh my fucking God, I can't believe how fucking gorgeous she is. Too bad I can't say that out loud like a grown-up.

I lean down and kiss her again, as softly as I can manage.

"There is nothing," I whisper when our lips part. "nothing in this world, that is more beautiful than you."

She blushes.

I move my lips lower, trailing down her stomach, feeling it move every time she breaths, like soft silk waves. I move lower still, lips reaching pink and black lace. She's squirming under me, trying not to let her frustration show. I move the direction of my lips to her inner thighs, temporarily avoiding what she needs, causing Maura to let out a sound of annoyance. Looking up at her, I can see her hands wrapped in sheets, gabbing and pulling, desperately trying to stay where I told her too.

I smile, wrapping my fingers in lace, and pulling the obstructive material off of her. I'm leaning over her again, drinking in the sight of her lying naked before me. Someone somewhere messed up, because I've died and gone to Sex Heaven, and I'm almost positive that I'm not worthy.

"Jane." My musings are interrupting by the siren's throaty call.

"Hm?" I ask, still absorbing her.

"I need you." Not worthy, but not stupid. I wouldn't dream of not taking advantage of such a golden opportunity. I shake myself out of my revere.

"I'm sorry." I reply, my voice sounding foreign to even me, almost dream like. I trace my middle finger up her body to her lips. It traces her bottom lip for a moment, before she catches it in her mouth, sucking the length of it gently, never breaking eye contact from me.

I pull my finger away from her, moving my hand down, and running it along her folds.

She's humming again.

My finger's drowning.

I feel like I'm high.

"I really don't mean to go so slow." I continue, not really sure if she's listening. Slowly, regardless, I move my finger through her folds,

"It's just that if I didn't,"

I brush against her clit, causing her to jump a little. Her eyes are still on me.

"I'd go too fast. I'd ruin it, and it wouldn't mean anything."

Her hips fidget against my hand, desperately needing more attention.

"Because I want you so much, Maura. I want you to feel it."

I stop the movement of my hand, but before she can protest I enter her. And what I enter is an amazing, hot, wet, pink nirvana. It's clenching and tight—…so tight. My body bucks a little just at the sensation, listening to her gasp under me.

"Do you feel me?" I pull out of her slightly, and then go in even deeper.

"Yes." She moans in response.

Pull out, then in.

She moves her hand to my wrist, and I'm about to protest, but something in her eyes stops me. She flattens the palm of my hand against her, surrounding me in wet heat. Then she rolls her hips against me, hard. Pulling me deeper inside her, harder against her.

"Do you?" She asks, in a voice that I didn't recognize. Something low and needy.

She's an angel. I shouldn't be allowed to do this to her, for this must be the greatest sacrilege, and I will be punished severely for laying hands on a creature of such beauty.

I kiss her hard.

Pull out, then in. She moans against my lips when I enter a second finger.

Her hips move faster, the palm of my hand moving against her clit every time.

I move my lips to her breast, bringing a nipple into my mouth.

She yells out, and I love the sounds she makes.

Nails dig into my back.

"Jane…"

I look back at her, move faster inside her. Her walls are clenching endlessly around my fingers and I know she's close.

"Come for me." I whisper against her cheek, and then I smile because she does. Muscles tense and contract, and I can barely move my hand anymore. Barely, but I still manage. Moving and rotating, riding it out with her. Just when it's almost over, I curve my fingers inside her, finding that familiar rough patch.

She likes that. A lot.

Her nails dig harder in my back, and I kiss her while she rides out her last waves, slowly, so slowly coming down from heaven, and into my arms. Golden hair and skin wrap around me. Silk and heat surround me.

My body finally catches up to my mind, slows itself down, and then I finally go to sleep.

Chapter Two Preview:

[The Easy Doctor]

{"Who was it?" She asks, looking down at her hands again.

Again, I'm confused.

"Who…?"

"The woman before me, was it just once or…?"

Oh.

"Oh, um…" I take a second for my wording, but letting her know that I comprehended. "It was in high school."

Jane nods. "Oh, right. All girls' school." I don't like the way she says that. Not at all. It's the same way she makes assumptions about cases, making guesses with confidence, but she doesn't have any idea. My eyebrows crease while I stare at her.

"It wasn't like that." I try to sound more stern than hurt, but I think it comes out the other way around.}