The Male Slapper

Good GOD!

Where to even START?

Well, maybe with the fact that he is a total, utter, complete, absolute, downright, through and through MALE WHORE!

I mean, really? That's me comparing him to Phil Hunter! And that's saying something! As if sleeping his way around Sun Hill when he was just a PC wasn't bad enough, he then comes back as a Sergeant and sleeps his way around the station!

WHAT THE HELL?

I'm surprised he doesn't have lots of kids, with the amount of women he's shagged. Sun Hill's resident Romeo, only he never does have that much luck because he's also Sun Hill's Ladykiller. Baaaaaaaad luck for any women he gets involved with. Beware you don't so much as look him in the eye as you're likely to be doomed to die young. In fact, with all the women he's had dropping dead on him; it's a wonder that he hasn't been sectioned yet!

Oh no. Not Soldier, PC, Sergeant, Inspector, Male Whore Smith! He's had more dramas than the rest of them in that station put together! Someone's favourite torture toy much? Sigh. Where to start?

Aside from his abysmal and cursed luck on the love front, he also manages to run into some sort of deadly danger year in, year out! WHAT THE HELL? Does he have "DANGEROUS! SHOULD NOT BE APPROACHED, BUT FUN TO TORTURE" tattooed on his forehead? Or maybe he has a "kick me" sign on his back? With the amount of scrapes he's got himself into over the years, he probably fills up one room for his case reports alone! And don't even get me started on his inability not to play the hero all the time! Who does he think he is, Ken on his way to rescue damsel-in-distress Barbie?

HA!

Don't make me laugh! The first sign of trouble, and off he gallops in the er – area car (the closest he can get to a noble steed) and in his um – police uniform (I bet he wishes it was shining armour) to save the day!

Spare me!

He might be muscled, six feet tall and trained to use a gun, but some of us do like to fight out own battles! Even if his have-a-go-hero is the type of guy every girl has a fantasy of at some point in their life of being pulled from a burning building from, or rescued in some way.

Oh yes.

Immensely brave, smoking your-tongue-pokes-out hot and just generally fit all around. Almost your perfect man. Note I said almost. He WOULD be perfect if he wasn't such

A MALE SLAPPER!

Yeah, that's right. Here we go. Sergeant can't-keep-it-in-his-trousers Smith's many conquests. I hope you're sitting comfortably. There's too many to go into as a PC – and that's even the ones we know of! I wonder how many others there possibly could have been – actually I don't even think I want to know. Yuck, pass the sick bucket!

And as for actual serious ones – let's start with Kerry. What in God's name was he thinking? Following his dick around as per usual and not thinking that she might be vulnerable after a marriage break up? He snogged her in the station on his first day back, for Christ's sake! What sort of a start was that? Not only that, he thought it was a good idea to go along with her trying to wind up Luke Ashton? Leading someone on much, you stupid fool? And then, behaving even more like a damn slapper, he gets it on with Kerry in the area car where they were supposed to be looking out for a joyrider? Which, of course, they got caught at!

ER HELLO? DOES PROFESSIONALISM MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU, YOU STUPID MALE SLAG?

That wasn't even a relationship. That was just casual sex. Then he goes and gets jealous when she gets off with Cameron. And you can just guess what came next, couldn't you? It was practically written in the air between them. A one night stand. The closest thing to a relationship he ever had with her. And of course that ended in disaster as well; that got him accused of date rape. Ha. I bet he wished he'd kept it in his pants then. It didn't stop him loving her though, oh no. Which follows the first disaster. When the stupid pair FINALLY announce they love each other, what happens? Kerry drops dead after being shot. Nice way to end that 'relationship.' You'd think that would teach him a lesson wouldn't you. But since he's a stupid male slapper, no. It doesn't

Who does he get off with next, but the wife of a local gangster, Louise Larson? And if that's not asking for trouble, I don't know what is. Larson cut someone's fingers off for crossing him and I bet, given the chance, he'd have chopped off Sergeant Smith's balls when he found out what was going on between him and Louise. The closest he did do when he found out was kidnap him at gunpoint (of course) and give him a good hiding, before the Sun Hill crew came galloping in to save the day. Shame they couldn't foresee what happened next. The evil gangster had his wife killed and set Sergeant Smith up for the crime. Yawn. How predictable! Oh! I mean, SOB! How tragic! He was proved innocent in the end and let out to police the streets of Sun Hill – and shag more of the women. Kezia Walker, Stevie Moss, you get the idea!

Credit where credit's due, though, he is definitely the sort of officer you'd want on your side. Fiercely loyal, clever (when it's not about women) and generally just the sort of officer who can survive anything; bomb blasts, car crashes, sieges, explosions, need I go on? He's Mr. Invincible! Well, except when he's fighting with Callum. What the hell was all that about? It looked like a catfight! The way they just dumped their stuff and started grabbing at each other's shirts was just laughable. And being the best of friends with the Inspector helped (until she left). What a shame that was. Cough, cough.

Promotion to Inspector came with a hell of a lot more responsibility. It's just a shame it also came with ridiculous music and a makeover for Sun Hill. Yawn. At least he didn't lose the characteristic of checking out every woman he met. Remember Linda from the laundrette?

I rest my case.

OK, before you all start coming after me with fire and pitchforks, let me make it clear that I actually do like Smithy (could you tell?) but I just couldn't resist writing this. And lets face it, he can't keep his hands off the women, he always does get all the action and he survives everything. i just happen to write it in a bit of a crude way, though no offence was meant to anyone. Anyway, I plan to write one chapter for each character, so now its down to you reviewers.

Who would you like to be my next victim?

Hit that button below and reveal!

H. xx