Sleep was a useless thought. It had been for quite a while. It was too quiet here. Buck thought—and not for the first time—that he should have moved on by now. He was hanging onto something that wasn't there anymore.
Cody was the first gone, he guessed. Once he signed up with the Army, he was away more than home and then when his unit moved on…so did he. Buck actually missed battling for the last biscuit at supper.
Then Kid and Lou got married. They had their own place now, as they should. Jimmy took off with that Burke woman and somewhere in there, Noah had left them too.
But Cody wasn't the first to leave. Emma had been and that had been alright. She was precious to them but it was because of how much they loved her that it was easier to let her go. She deserved the rest of her life with Sam. Emma didn't count. She was different. And besides, Rachel was there and, even though she was different than Emma, she filled the same sort of place.
Ike was the first to leave. The one who had promised to always be there, to always be a brother to him. He was the first to abandon them. It wasn't the silence of the bunkhouse that bothered him so much as it was the wrong silence. It wasn't Ike's silence.
Buck sighed and moved onto the porch hoping that some fresh night air might clear his head of the grief that still clung to him.
He had thought that he moved on after Ike died. There was comfort in his family. They were grieving too. They had loved Ike too. But now they were gone and he was alone and the only company he could keep was memories. Memories of laughter and memories even of sadness and hurt. Together. From the time Ike jumped into the fight to save him when they were but boys, Buck had someone to be together with. He had someone to suffer with and someone to celebrate with and someone to fight alongside.
The comfort of not being alone…that was gone. Maybe it was even gone forever. Very few would ever claim him as a friend like his family here had. He had no real hope of finding that sense of belonging anywhere else now. Buck didn't even let the idea of female companionship enter his mind. No woman would willingly subject herself to what would come with being with him.
Once again he thought of leaving, of striking out on his own but the voice in his head told him it would be even worse for him. At least in Rock Creek they were familiar with him. He could find work. Teaspoon needed a deputy and he trusted Buck with the job. If Buck needed more than that, his knowledge of horses was accepted and even respected. Somewhere else, he wouldn't even have that advantage.
Maybe it was just the bunkhouse he needed to leave. Maybe he needed to get his own place. It wouldn't be any less empty but it wouldn't feel like so many were missing.
He started wishing he hadn't killed Neville. Not because Neville didn't deserve to die—he did—but Buck now wished that Neville had killed him instead. Then at least he wouldn't be alone. He could be where Ike was. Maybe even Noah was there as well. Maybe all loved ones went to the same place no matter where they come from or what beliefs they have. He wouldn't be here hurting if Neville had shot him, that was for sure.
"You shouldn't wish such things."
Buck jumped at the sound. No one was near when he had come out to the porch. He looked now and saw nothing.
"Look harder…not with your eyes. Look for me with your heart. You've never heard my voice but you know it…don't you?"
It was true. The voice was one he had never heard before and yet it felt familiar. He searched around him once again with his heart and saw before him the most beautiful sight he thought he had or maybe would ever see. Ike. Smiling.
"Ike."
The smile Buck received then both warmed and broke his heart.
"Stop wishing yourself dead," Ike chastised.
"I've got nothing left to live for, Ike," Buck protested. "Why shouldn't I have joined you? Why should I live while you're gone? You had something to live for. You had a future in front of you."
Ike shook his head.
"When did you lose your wisdom? You always fought despair like this. You taught me so much. Do I now have to teach you the same lessons?"
Buck looked up helplessly at his brother. The best friend he'd ever known.
"It's all different now. I was alright with being alone when I'd never been anything but."
"You're not alone," Ike told him flatly. "You're never alone and you never will be."
"But what is the purpose? What is the purpose of me still living? What can I do? And what is the meaning in all this hurt?"
Ike smiled warmly.
"That you ask means that you know that there is," he said sounding more like Teaspoon than either of them would have thought him capable. "It is not for you to question the purpose but for you to trust there is one."
Buck scowled.
"Look out into the sky," Ike directed. "See the stars. They seem to have no purpose. But then when you need to find your way at night, there they are. And maybe to someone else their purpose is different. We had plans once, remember?"
"Yeah," Buck replied exhaling a bitter laugh. "All that's gone now."
"Is it?"
"You're not here."
"But I'm not gone either."
Buck thought a moment before speaking very deliberately.
"I thought for a while…I thought the others might…share in those plans. When it came clear that there wouldn't be a Pony Express much longer, I thought to ask them. But they were already making other plans. And then the war…"
"Do you really need them to move forward?" Ike asked. "Maybe the plans don't look exactly how we thought but it was you who taught me that nothing lasts. Celebrate the good because you don't know when the winds will change and don't despair the hard times because those will shift away as well. Things change, Buck. We can't do it side by side as we thought and maybe it's not as you envisioned. You can make it happen though."
"I don't know if I can."
"I do," Ike reassured. "It might not be the independent spread we thought we might have. It might not be the place to buffer us from the world. But it might be the home for our brothers to come to when they need one. It could be the place for you to raise your family."
Buck snorted a barely suppressed laugh.
"Do not doubt the things that can happen, my brother. The world will change and move forward. You must move with it."
"I'm not sure I know how to go on."
Ike laughed hearty then.
"You do what you've done," Ike stated simply. "Let the people who love you help you. Build bridges even when it seems safer to build walls. You've done so much already…just keep doing it."
Buck gave a barely perceptible nod.
"I miss you," he said at last. "I miss this. I miss having someone who knows me like you do."
"I'm not gone…I've just changed. Your heart is filled with those who love you. Get to making your hands as full as your heart."
Buck was having a harder time keeping the vision of his brother clear.
"Do you have to leave?"
Ike smiled and offered the sign for brother.
"Keep moving."
Buck offered a nod and a smile in return.
The air was still around him but he was not alone. He could feel the presence of Ike still with him. Noah was near too. Buck stood and walked back into the bunkhouse and felt wrapped in warmth despite the chill in the air. If he closed his eyes and looked into his heart, he could clearly see the bunks all filled. Tomorrow he would start. Tomorrow he would begin moving forward.
I know I don't write Buck very often but this song just sort of screamed Buck and Ike to me. I hope this is enjoyable to everyone.-J
Lost in My Mind – The Head and the Heart
Put your dreams away for now
I won't see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind
Momma once told me
You're already home where you feel loved
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind
Oh my brother
Your wisdom is older than me
Oh my brother
Don't you worry 'bout me
Don't you worry
Don't you worry, don't worry about me
How's that bricklayin' comin'?
How's your engine runnin'?
Is that bridge gettin' built?
Are your hands gettin' filled?
Won't you tell me, my brother?
'Cause there are stars
Up above
We can start
Moving forward
How's that bricklayin' comin'?
How's your engine runnin'?
Is that bridge gettin' built?
Are your hands gettin' filled?
Won't you tell me, my brother?
'Cause there are stars
Up above
We can start
Moving forward