I normally don't write anything Pokemon related, in fact I think I only ever wrote a short flash fiction for the fandom before, but recently I found my old copy of Pokemon LeafGreen while cleaning out for my move that I'm going to make in a week, and I had an idea for something. I'm going to write about Red's adventure to becoming the legend he eventually does, but I figured I might as well make it funny and poke fun at the series while I do so, eh? Be warned, this story might not actually be what you expect it to be.
As a reminder, it's rated "T" for a reason.
Quote of the day:
"If it's good for laughs, if it works, just do it."
— Noah "Spoony" Antwiler, The Spoony Experiment
"Now tell me, are you boy or are you a girl?"
Red blinked as he and Blue stood in front of Professor Oak, and Red shared a glance with Blue, unsure if the professor was just trying to make a joke, or if the old man was actually being serious. Red watched Blue's face for an explanation, but instead of giving him one Blue just shrugged it off. The young would be trainer looked down at his clothing, then at Blue once more, before finally settling his gaze back on Professor Oak.
"I'm a boy," Red answered unsure, the aspiring trainer wondering if maybe it was time to adjust his wardrobe into something more manly. He was ten years old after all, and thus, legally an adult in Kanto. It wouldn't be so much of a problem to be able to get a credit card to do some shopping for the manliest clothes possible.
Professor Oak smiled at Red's confirmation, and simply continued on as normal, as if he wasn't in the early stages of dementia. "Alright now, let's get started then. What's your name?"
Red gave the professor another blank stare, once more looking towards Blue and the aides that were gadding about in the laboratory. He scratched his head, before giving his attention to Professor Oak just as he had before. "My name is Red. I was born and raised here in Pallet Town. We've known each other for my entire life, and your grandson and I have been next door neighbors since I was born."
Professor Oak just continued to smile placidly, oblivious to the problem, and it was after a minute or so of awkward silence that Blue finally saw it fit to actually explain the situation. "Yeah, my grandpa's having a bit of trouble with his memory these days," Blue whispered to him,"The doctors say that there's not really much we can do except try to help him live his life as normally as he can."
Red nodded his thanks and understanding, and all of a sudden felt like simply receiving his pokemon as soon as he could before then getting the hell out of dodge. He liked Professor Oak, the old man had always been kind to him, but this whole Alzheimer's business really did seem more like a depressing family problem than anything else. From there, both of the ten year old boys remained silent, waiting expectantly for Oak to continue.
Almost as an afterthought, Professor Oak finally seemed to take notice of his grandson Blue. "Ah yes, and this is my grandson who has been your rival since you were both babies. His name," Professor Oak paused as he squinted his eyes at the young Blue, "uhm, his name is?" the old man brought a contemplative finger to his chin, "erm, what was his name again?"
Blue only sighed, as if this wasn't the first time that his grandfather had forgotten his name, "My name is Bl-"
"His name is Douchebag!" Red interrupted, snickering as Blue then gave him a death glare for a moment.
For his part, Oak just nodded, as if his grandson's name had been on the tip of his tongue all along. "That's right! I remember now! His name is Douchebag!"
Oak smiled and continued on as he walked over to the three poke balls that were resting in their respective slots on a nearby podium that had been set out for the two boys. "So, I've got three pokemon here, and I'll let the two of you each have one to start your journey out into the world. Since you guys are finally ten years old you are now legally adults, and along with being able to join the military and drink alcohol, you can now be pokemon trainers too!"
The two boys stepped forward and looked down at the resting poke balls almost in awe, each of them knowing that in one of those balls a lifelong companion was waiting for them. As they watched the balls however, Oak interrupted their reverent thoughts. "Red gets to pick first."
"What?" Blue began to protest, "Why?"
Instead of answering him, Professor Oak simply patted Blue on the head, and the boy resigned himself to simply grumbling, more than a bit annoyed that his own grandfather was giving his lifelong rival first crack at a pokemon. "In the Kanto region there are three traditional choices when it comes to a trainer's starter pokemon," the Professor went on to say, as he pressed a button on the mechanical podium, letting the three awaiting pokemon be showed off to Red and Blue, "and those choices are Charmander, Squirtle, and Bulbasaur."
The two boys stared down at the three pokemon that were supposed to be their choices, but almost immediately their eyes were drawn to the same one. Red felt some throw up coming up in the back of his throat, and as Blue stared on in horror at his grandfather's abomination, he had half a mind to call the police. Both boys brought hands to their faces, each of them trying to protect themselves from the stench of death.
"Grandpa what is that?" Blue's shaky voiced asked as he stared at the sickly beast that would make even priests question the existence of Arceus.
"Is it," Red was barely able to stop himself from throwing up bile once more, "is it even alive?"
Professor Oak arched his eyebrow, before looking down at the creature in question. "It's a Bulbasaur."
"Yeah," Blue continued, eyes still resting on the vomiting and wheezing creature who looked so old and fragile as if it wouldn't be able to even walk two steps without breaking it's legs, "but what's wrong with it?"
Oak just casually waved it off. "It's been here for seventy years. No one has ever picked a Bulbasaur."
"Well, I won't be the first," Red promised himself as he made a mental note to remind one of Professor Oak's aides to maybe put down the poor Bulbasaur out of mercy later, "I'll stick with the Charmander."
"I'll pick the Squirtle then," Blue was quick to follow Red, neither of them wanting a Bulbasaur, the two of them being in the company of apparently seventy years of trainers.
The two boys proudly grabbed onto their poke balls as Oak put the sickly Bulbasaur away back into it's own container, and Red stared down at the ball that held his Charmander, the newly forged trainer almost unable to believe it. In Kanto ten year olds were able to do things like drinking and gambling, ten being the official age of adulthood of course, but he wasn't a true grown up until he had his first pokemon, and now the day had finally come. He admired the ball, knowing that his trusty Charmander would serve him well.
"You want to battle?" Blue interrupted his thoughts, which kind of ruined Red's plan of just totally bouncing once he had gotten his pokemon from Oak.
To his credit, Red frowned as he looked over at Blue, even if his following indignation only lasted for mere moments. "Now? We just got these pokemon. Don't you think we should bond with them or something first?"
"Come on," Blue pressed once more with barely any effort.
"Let's do this!" Red roared back, immediately forgetting whatever hesitations he had when it came to deciding to immediately fight using the Charmander he just received only seconds ago.
The two trainers squared off, each having a fierceness in their eyes as they sent forth their respective pokemon to battle one another. Blue smirked as his Squirtle stepped forward, even if the turtle pokemon didn't seem to be aware about what was going on. Red instead gave a sly smile, believing in his Charmander, despite the type disadvantage. The two starter pokemon faced one another as their trainers each yelled out their respective commands.
"Water gun!" Blue ordered.
"Use ember!" Red countered with a command of his own.
It truly could have been an epic first match to share with one another, if the two pokemon in question actually had any clue on how to use said moves. Instead, Squirtle tried using it's supposed attack only to end up sputtering drool on the floor, and Charmander just turned to Red and seemed to give a shrug, it also not knowing what was pretty much the most basic fire move of all time. It was in that moment that the two boys were actually pretty grateful that they didn't have an audience to watch their battle, especially considering how embarrassing the whole affair turned out to actually be.
After what was the most pathetic match of all time, the entire battle consisting pretty much only of moves like scratch or fucking tail whip, the heavily breathing Charmander was victorious, and both boys recalled their monsters into their own respective pokeballs. Red couldn't help but to keep grinning at the fact that he had won his very first pokemon battle ever. The only thing that made it better than that was the fact that he had taken said victory away from his lifelong rival Blue.
"Man," Blue complained as he frowned at the poke ball in his hand, "I picked the wrong one!"
After Blue handed half his money over to Red, which was the primary way that pokemon trainers in Kanto earned a living, both boys bid Professor Oak farewell and proceeded to go on their merry way to wherever it was they were supposed to head. As soon as they left the laboratory, Blue immediately walked off without so much as a goodbye and headed in the direction of Viridian City. Considering that it was the only way that one could actually go on account of the other side of Pallet Town being the ocean, Red shrugged and figured that Viridian City was a good enough place to start his journey. They even had a Pokemon Gym there, though he wasn't sure if Charmander was ready to start battling gym leaders just yet, considering that the fire lizard was only level 6.
As Red and Charmander then and there decided to travel to Viridian City without telling his mother first, they excitedly marched North, slaughtering their way through whole generations of Pidgeys and Rattatas on the way there. Once the pair made it to Viridian City they made a quick stop at the Pokemon Center to heal up, before Red figured that his journey to becoming a Pokemon Master, something which he wasn't exactly sure as to what it actually entailed, was going pretty good. He had won his first battle against blue, Charmander had learned ember, and no one other than Professor Oak had mistaken him for a girl. He wondered where to go after stepping out of the Viridian City Pokemon Center, before Red's eyes drifted to the nearby Poke Mart, and reminded the boy that he couldn't be a Master without some poke balls to capture the random monsters that could easily kill him if it wasn't for his own fire breathing beast that pretty much obeyed his every command.
As Red stepped into the Poke Mart, the usual ding that marked whenever someone entered playing as he walked over to stand in line, he thought that the cool air was a refreshing break from the hot Kanto sun. He wondered where Blue was for a moment, figuring that wherever his rival went, that it was probably somewhere in the same direction that he was eventually going to end up going to. The thought drifted away from the new trainer soon enough though, as he began to eavesdrop on the conversation that the kid in front of him was having with the cashier.
"Are you sure you're old enough for these?" the cashier asked the kid at the front of the line with a dubious look on his face as he lightly shook a plastic bag containing a bottle of Jirachi Daniel's whiskey and a pack of Camerupt menthol cigarettes, "You look a little on the young side, kid. I'm gonna need to see some ID."
The kid immediately handed over a small red hand held device, and the cashier studied it for a moment before grinning and returning it, passing along with it the bag containing the cigarettes and the whiskey. "Your ID says you're ten years old. Everything checks out, kid. Have a good time."
Red watched as the kid thanked the cashier and gave a polite farewell before heading out the store, and he remained in his spot patiently waiting until the cashier then waved him over. As he stepped forward, Red took in the cashier's appearance before he decided to ask to see what kind of poke balls were in stock. The name tag that the cashier wore read Randal, the cashier's uniform was disheveled, and the rather lazily put on ensemble was topped off with a baseball cap that the cashier was wearing backwards, which Red wasn't sure as to whether or not it was actually part of the uniform.
"Hey, I was wondering if I could take a look at your poke balls?" Red asked, hoping to be done quickly since it looked like the cashier named Randal definitely didn't want to be there.
The cashier quickly looked him over, making Red shift where he was standing, before said cashier merely arched an eyebrow, a look of realization dancing across his face. "Hey, are you from Pallet Town?"
Red gave him a wary look before answering slowly. "Yeah. How'd you know?"
"You still have a look of hope in your eyes, and dreams that aren't shattered by the meaningless void of life." The cashier answered Red before he looked over his shoulder, probably to check if any of his coworkers were nearby, before reaching under the counter and then pulling out a small package. He set the package down on the counter before he slid it over to Red. "This is a parcel that Professor Oak ordered. I'm going to need you to deliver it to him."
"Look," Red answered back, "I just want to buy some poke balls. Isn't this someone else's job to deliver stuff anyways?"
"It's my job," the cashier replied with a shrug, making no movements to retrieve the package that Red didn't seem too inclined to deliver, "but I forgot to do it."
Red crossed his arms. "If it's your job, then I won't deliver it."
The cashier followed suit. "If you won't, then I won't let you buy any poke balls."
"You dick!" Red cursed at him, while the cashier only gave an amused shake of his head in turn.
"I'll even throw in a free potion," the cashier ignored Red's protest as he retrieved the bonus from a shelf behind him and then set it down beside the package, "have fun, kid."
Red grumbled as he reluctantly grabbed the potion and the package that was now his mission to deliver if he ever wanted to buy anything from this store ever again, and he left the poke mart and proceeded to make his way to Pallet Town once more. As before, Charmander performed another Pidgey/Rattata genocide, and he thought of Blue again, and of the fact that his rival would never have to put up with this kind of crap. He sighed as he walked with Charmander to the town he left just an hour ago, and he shook his head when on the way there he passed by the kid he had seen in the store earlier, totally plastered as he leaned against a nearby tree, a half empty bottle of whiskey still clutched within his ten year old hand.
And so, his journey began.
Bulbasaur fans, don't take this story too seriously! It's just I've never met a single person IRL who ever picked a Bulbasaur in Gen 1. It was usually Charmander, as Red did here, and the occasional Squirtle for those kids who wanted an advantage over all the Charizard fans. Also, I've always actually wondered what the age of adulthood is in the Pokemon world. It's probably not ten, but then again, if society deems you old enough to start packing heat in the form of monsters that can legitimately and easily kill people, would a pack of smokes be too far off in that kind of world?
Anyways, I'll continue this soon enough, and hope that whoever reads this finds at least a modicum of enjoyment here. As I play through my game of LeafGreen, I'll update this story as well. I usually give Pokemon I catch nicknames, but for the sake of simplicity here I'll just refer to them by their species name, as I did with Charmander.
Read and review, if you want. As always, it helps to motivate.