Thank you to Ashieyu-chan for her character and question.
Dear SiriousB1,
I like these two girls, but one tries to bring me to Hell, and the other one is from the future and says this certain word (which I will not speak of) that sends me face first into the ground. They both call me a two-timer, and I guess I am. I like the girl from the future a lot, but I don't know how to tell her without looking too soft and all that shit. How can I tell her I like her without looking gay, wimpy, soft, etc.?
Truly yada yada all that shit,
Dog with Trouble
P. S: Don't tell either of the girls I wrote you, 'cause the one will kill me, and the future girl won't leave me alone.
Dear Dog,
You are in an interesting predicament, you two-timing swine. But, I'll help you anyway. It sounds like both of these women that you're "dating" are real bitchy, so I don't see why you are going out with them in the first place. Sigh Men these days. Anyway, if you really like this future chick, then, no matter how you break it to her that you love her, she won't think of you as gay, soft, etc. Well, only if she really likes you back. If not, well then be prepared to be laughed at. You have friends right? (No pun intended.) In the case that you do, here is a good way to get her. Sometime late at night (or whenever she is sleeping), have one of your friends rouse her. Have him/her tell your crush (or whatever you want to consider her as) that you are in danger and that you need her to help you. Hopefully, she will snap at the chance. (If she's from the future, then she's probably a sap for giving help to people in need.) Have your friend lead her to someplace romantic (a river-side maybe?) and then ditch her. When she tries to figure out what the hell is going on, jump out and tell her that your heart is breaking and that you need her to fix it. Hopefully, she'll get the hint (she has to be pretty stupid not to) and make out with you for the rest of the night. Yeah, I know it's corny and cheesy and all that rot, but girl's love that crap. Well, I don't particularly (depends on my mood), but you can still try it. If you don't feel like trying it, then call Ms. Cleo and ask her what is going up in your love life.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
P.S.
I won't tell them, don't worry. But one question: if you're dead because one of them kills you, how can the other hound you?
Dear SiriousB1,
My arm! My arm! My arm is gone! It hurts! Dear God it hurts! But I won't scream, no I won't...owwwwww! My arm! My arm! My fucking arm is not there! OWWWWWWWW!!!!
From,
Fluffy
Dear Fluffy,
May I suggest that you avoid pointy objects as to not loose your other arm. I'm sorry that it hurts; go see a doctor. Get a mechanical arm. Get a wooden arm. Get an arm of steel. Pretend you're Ash in Evil Dead and use a chainsaw for your arm. Get whatever you want to use for your arm. Just please don't write back...you frighten me (jk).
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
A/N: If anyone has a character (repeats are fine) or a problem that they would like to see featured, write them in the review or go to my Bio and e-mail them to me. Hell, if you want, you can send me a question or something that you want answered and I'll answer it under whatever category you want. In the subject box in e-mail, type in "advice" or I won't open it. I warn you now that I shall not be held responsible for any rude, crude or sexual content in my response. My advice column, my rules.