(A/N: As the summary said, you do not need to know about the movie the Hangover, and no, you do not need to watch it to understand this story. If you have, skip this part and move onto the next paragraph. I'll give you a summary of that movie right now: four guys go to Vegas for a bachelor party, and wake up the next morning not knowing what happened the night before. They have to find out what happened that night, find their friend Doug, and return the tiger they found in their bathroom in order to get to the wedding on time.
This is a Death Note AU. Light and Misa never regained their Death Note memories after they lost them, and have been Kira suspects for five years, while Ryuk and Rem are still trying to somehow help them regain their memories. So both Light and Misa are still under surveillance, and of course Light and L are still handcuffed together *smirk*.
Also, because of Mafia pressure *ahem, Mello, ahem* California still has a law that allows same sex marriage. Speaking of that, there will be yaoi in this. Most of it will be drunk, OMGWTF yaoi where the pairing will not be supported in the story. The only "actual" or "sober" yaoi in this fic would be MelloxMatt.
Oh, and I am not a big Light fan. Therefore, he will probably be the most abused in this fanfic. It's not because of my personal dislike of him, it's because it's so easy to irritate him, and so funny to read/write. Also, I'm not too fond of Near. Those are just my biases, if you find one of them shows up in the story a bit too much, please tell me.
I own nothing.
There is a reference to the used-to-be-viral YouTube video Charlie Bit My Finger. Try to find it. It is very obvious.
Well, that was a fuckin' long author's note. Read the story now please.)
Ring Ring . . . Ring Ring
Misa picked up the phone, hoping to god it was one of the guys.
"Misa?"
"L! Where the hell are you guys! The wedding's in TWO HOURS!"
"Misa . . . I don't believe we will be making the wedding. This is one mystery we cannot solve. Most likely becausewe got ourselves into it."
Three Days Earlier
"L, would you please take the handcuffs off?" Light asked as they moved down the line.
"Light-kun, I have been telling you this for over five years, I am not taking them off," L stated, thumb to his mouth.
"But how the hell will we get through airline security!" Light practically yelled, earning a few stares from fellow flyers. Most of them were more interested in the fact that two young men were handcuffed together, though.
"I have my ways," L said, looking bored. As it turned out, he did have ways, and L and Light were soon on a plane to California.
"Wait up! Oops!" someone called. A very large woman was pushed into another man, making them fall into another row of seats, and on top of a child. Once they were out of the way, the culprit was revealed.
"What's he doing here!" Light exclaimed.
"I told Mello about him and he was invited. Stupid move on Mello's part," L said.
"Very stupid," Light agreed as none other than Matsuda stepped over the unfortunate couple and made his way to the handcuffed men.
"Hey heeeey," Matsuda greeted, sliding into a seat next to Light, who mentally rolled his eyes. This bachelor party would be a disaster. Chained to an insomniac and being harassed by an idiot. No sexy time for Light. He sighed.
"So, my grandma just bought this turkey, and it like, had babies! So I was like OMG ROFLMAO and she was like 'oh no you didn't' and I was like 'what you talkin' bout, Willis?' and then-"
"Matsuda, SHUT UP!" Light yelled, earning glares from even more passengers. They had been flying for well over three hours, and Matsuda had refused to shut up. It was driving Light insane.
But what made him even madder was that L didn't have to put up with it. No, the man he believed to be an insomniac had been asleep for the whole flight, snoring even. It was madness.
Just about seven more hours to go . . .Light thought, and groaned. This was terrible.
"Aw, Light! Why do you have to be so mean? Oh, that reminds me of the time I went out drinking with the guys, and there was this chick and she was like, 'heeeey, sexy thaang,' and I-" Matsuda continued, completely ignoring Light. Well, not ignoring, just being idiotic and refusing to listen to him.
Light reached under his seat and pulled out his carryon bag, rummaging through its contents.
"-and he was like 'no, it's a transtrilabite' and I was like 'what the crap is a transtribulite,' and he was like-"
Light finally found his iPod and stuck the earbuds in, turning up Beethoven so that the music drowned out Matsuda's useless chatter.
Light could see Matsuda's mouth moving, but no words were coming out. Light smiled contentedly, and closed his eyes.
"-and then the goat . . . Light? Are you listening? Liiiiiiiight?" Matsuda wailed, poking the brunette. He gave up once he realized Light was not reacting to his annoying behavior. Maybe L would like to listen to a story, Matsuda thought.
Matsuda then proceeded to lean over Light and started to poke L. Light opened one eye, annoyed, but then realized what Matsuda was doing. He watched as the idiot poked L, as if he was in a trance.
"Ryuzaki!" poke. "Ryuzaki!" poke. "Ryuzaki!" poke. It was having no effect, but Matsuda persisted, moving his finger to the detective's snoring mouth, with Light watching intently.
"RYUZAKI!" Matsuda poked with more force. L's eyes shot open, and he bit down on Matsuda's finger.
"AHH!" Matsuda yelled, pulling his finger away from the detective as if he had rabies. He then stuck the finger in his own mouth, but not before saying, in a very childlike voice, "Ryuzaki 'it my fingeh!"
Light cracked a smile and laughed with the rest of the passengers, who had witnessed this weird event. L, who had just woken up and still had no clue what was happening, was scratching his head and yawning.
A few minutes later, while Matsuda was still nursing his throbbing finger, Light asked a question which had been bugging him for a while now.
"Ryuzaki, where is Watari? Is he coming with us?" Light questioned.
"Yes, he is here. I arranged for him to have a first class seat, so he did not board with us," L answered, absentmindedly looking out the window.
"If he has a first class seat, why don't we?" Light asked, a bit annoyed that they could be sitting first class, when Light actually had to deal with an idiot detective who looked like a child with his finger in his mouth. Light turned back to look at L, who had his thumb to his lip. Oh, lovely, boxed in by two finger sucking detectives, Light thought miserably.
"Because then it would be obvious that Watari and I were traveling with each other, and thus making it more likely for an assassin to deduce that I am a person of certain importance," L stated. "Also, it would spoil you, Light-kun."
Light's right eye twitched.
About an hour before the plane was scheduled to land, Light woke from a peaceful sleep. Light, not wanting to wake up just yet, groaned a bit and hit his pillow to try to fluff it. It was very uncomfortable and slightly boney for a pillow . . .
"Light-kun, I would appreciate if you would not hit me."
Light sat bolt upright, banging his head into Matsuda's, who had also been asleep. Light wiped a bit of spittle from his mouth, and tried to control the blush that was creeping up on him. Falling asleep on L's shoulder! How embarrassing! And with the handcuffs . . . this was not adding up in favor of Light's actual sexuality.
A girlish giggle interrupted Light's internal ramblings, and he looked at Matsuda, who he assumed had made the annoying noise. But Matsuda was still asleep. Light shook his head and saw a camera phone peeking in between the seats in front of him. The green eye that was obviously attached to the owner of the phone widened, and soon both eye and phone were out of sight.
"Ryuzaki . . . did you just see what I saw?" Light asked.
"The teenager recording us while we slept, or the fact that you drool?" L asked.
"The first one," Light responded, trying to keep from twitching again at L's comment. At least Matsuda was asleep.
"Well, we can't have that. My face cannot be captured on film, Light-kun," L mused, finger to lip. He stared intently at the back of the chair in front of him for a moment, then pulled out his cell phone.
"Ryuzaki, what exactly are you doing?" Light asked. He could never understand the detective's thought process.
"Solving our predicament," L responded. He then talked to the person at the other end of the phone.
"Yes, it is late, or early depending on how you think about it . . . oh, yes there is a code P. . . no, not that P, P as in photo . . . yes, that will do just fine. 24Jand K, thank you," L hung up.
"Ryuzaki . . ." Light trailed off as he saw Watari walking down the aisle of the plane in the garb of a pilot. He was also carrying a newspaper, so Light obviously knew that he was heading to the bathroom. What exactly was L doing?
Watari walked past the passengers, sometimes answering questions because the passengers who were conscious believed that there was some sort of major plane problem. Watari assured the passengers that he was just using the bathroom, and continued down the aisle, until he reached the row in front of theirs. Watari then tapped the owners of the two seats that did not belong to the teenager, and told them that they would have to move to seats near the rear of the plane.
"Why do we have to move?" a man asked, still groggy.
"Because the oxygen masks above your seats have not been functioning properly. It amazes me that the stewardess did not inform you. Please, come with me," Watari said, leading the sleepy couple to some available seats.
Light shot Ryuzaki a questioning glare, but L just ignored him. L just sat there for a few minutes, shushing Light whenever he started to speak. Finally, after about five minutes, L made his move.
The older man propelled himself over the seat in front of Light, and by a feat of sheer awesomeness did not bang his head on the ceiling of the plane.
L landed in the seat next to a very shocked teenage girl. She looked to be in her latter teens or early twenties, when in reality she was only fifteen. The detective sat in his usual crouching position, his face unusually close to hers.
The teen actually thought this strange man was attractive, but still moved backwards in her seat, until her left side was firmly pressed to the side of the plane.
"Why, exactly, were you filming me?" L asked, cocking his head to the side.
The girl, unused to such tense and strange situations, felt her face heat up as she answered.
"Um . . . I-I need something to put on my YouTube account. I thought it would be funny . . ." she trailed off. She hoped to god that this man wasn't going to hurt her because she had been recording a video of him while he slept. It had just been so cute! And her friends were always talking about how they loved something called "yaoi" which involved two men in a romantic way . . .
"Oh," L said, looking sullen and turning away from the girl. She felt her heart melt at his pout.
"Also, it was just too cute to pass up," she whispered with a small smile. At first she thought that the man hadn't heard her, but then he looked at her, a gleam of happiness in his eye.
"I'm cute?" he asked, tilting his head to the side again.
"Yes!" the girl answered, smiling full now.
As quick as lightning, L leaned over the armrests of the airplane chairs and crashed his lips onto hers. She was shocked at first. She didn't know how old this man was! He could be a pedophile for all she knew . . . but he won her over easily. His mouth moved against hers perfectly, he was by far the best kisser she had ever met.
L wound a hand into her hair, deepening the kiss and moving towards her. He was sitting practically on her lap as he licked her lower lip. She let him in, tangling her tongue with his. Surprisingly, he tasted sweet. She had never met a guy who had tasted this good, kissed so well, oh Lord . . .
She tangled one of her hands into his black mop of hair, moaning as he explored her mouth. She felt his other hand run down her side and onto her hip, sending shivers down her spine. He then cupped her butt, surprising her as she let out a small yelp. She rolled with it, allowing herself to do whatever the hell this amazing man wanted her to do.
Light was in a very uncomfortable position. Not just because he could hear L making out with an underage girl in the seat in front of him. No, he was in an awkward position because of the chain that connected the two together. Light didn't know what L had done so that six feet of chain had magically disappeared. What he did know was that he was smashed against the back of an airplane seat, and that it was increasingly painful.
Light endured fifteen painful minutes of L's fun time before he was fed up. So now he gets all the girls? Light hadn't kissed anyone but Misa in five years, and hadn't had sex in at least six months. What right does he have to make out with random airplane teenagers! Light angrily yanked on the chain, earning a yelp from the seats in front of him.
After that he heard a few whispered words from in front of him, and then L did another one of his ninja jumps and was back in his own seat.
"Ryuzaki, what the hell did that do to keep the video from spreading?" Light asked angrily as the detective "fixed" his hair. Light didn't even know where to begin to fix the unruly mess that was L's hair.
"It did incredibly much," L said, pulling a camera phone from his pocket. Light's mouth dropped open.
"You have much to learn, young Light-kun," L said while patting Light's head. Light was opening and closing his mouth, not unlike a goldfish.
(A/N – well, there you have it, the first chapter of the first DN/Hangover crossover. If you have read this far, I would love some acknowledgement, because I know not many people will be reading this.
I bet when you read the part about the random fangirl (come on, you know that's what she was), you were thinking "WTF! is this person putting in an OC! NUUU!" well, no, she is not an OC(unless OCs count as random characters that only appear once and have nothing to do with the plot), and does not even have a name, thank you very much. Just another way to add more humor.
A bit of a side note on that scene. Everyone who ever makes an L oneshot or story where he has a love interest makes L a great kisser. Well, I don't know about them, but I have evidence on this theory (O.O sounding strangely like L . . .) first of all, have you ever seen him without something (candy, cake, thumb) in his mouth? The boy obviously has some sort of oral fixation. And, if he does, and there is a very high probability that this is true, he would be an awesome kisser. The random fangirl was lucky, even if she did lose a phone, and was attacked by a pedo bear (L's like 29 or 30 now).
And of course, Light is also jealous of random fangirl. ^_^
I promise the other author's notes will be shorter. (Thumbs up for L's ninja jumps! =]) )