Sighing quietly, River put the auto-pilot on and leaned back in her chair. It was theirfirst flight after the broadcast on Mr. Universe's moon, and Mal had left her when he saw that she could fly his ship better than he ever could. Though he made the excuse of having "Captainy" things to do. As she stood to leave she looked down at her hands. How many people had she killed with them? They looked small and innocent, like the rest of her. She had heard the crew's thoughts, How can someone who looks so innocent be so deadly?
Stepping out to the hallway where the crew's bunks were, the young woman considered the thought of now that she had been 'triggered', would she be able to control the monster the Academy created. The monster had unleashed itself on the army of Reavers on that fateful day without any prompting from her or anyone else. It made her wonder if the monster inside her come out whenever it wanted to. If it could, would she attack her new surrogate family? They were still afraid of her, but they avoided her now out of shock. It's not everyday someone takes down a room filled with Reavers to save you and then comes out practically unscathed.
Walking with her dancer's grace River entered the cargo hold. Jayne was there towelling down after his workout. He was the only one who didn't avoid her. He went about his daily routine as usual. The only difference was that he was nicer to her and Simon now. River knew that his actions were out of gratitude to her for saving him and the others. He had never said so, it had floated into her mind while she was wandering the ship during the night cycle. He had never meant for her to know, but it had slipped through her defences she had put up to block out the dreams and nightmares of the others. His mind was uncomplicated and straight foreword. The only secrets he had were of his past and he kept those locked up tight at the back of his mind. Jayne gave off an aura of warmth and safety though he and everyone else insisted that he was dangerous and cold-hearted. River knew better. She would seek him out throughout the day to just bask in the calm she got from him.
He had changed after the battle, they all had, but Jayne was one who changed for the better. He became nicer to everyone, offering to help them if they needed it; his crude comments turned to him giving his opinion and he did his share and more of the work without being asked. She was the only one that noticed the change.
Walking over to him River sat down sinuously on his work bench. He looked up from what he was doing and growled, "Ya shouldn't be sitting there River-girl, yer brother would have a fit about my ape sweat dirtying ye up."
Running a hand along the bench, River spoke softly without looking at him, "I'm very comfortable." Moving her hand River gazed up at the mercenary with wide eyes, "Sit with me?"
Looking slightly apprehensive, Jayne sat down slowly beside the lithe woman. "Do ye need somethin' River-girl? 'Cause if ya do, ye might be better askin' the doc."
Not meeting his eyes, River asked him, "Do you think that the girl the Blue Hands created will be triggered again like on Maidenhead?"
Jayne's eyes softened as he heard the fear and pain in her voice. She didn't want to be a killing machine, she just wanted to be a normal girl. Like Kaylee, Zoë or Inara. But what had happened to her made that impossible. Maybe the two could exist peacefully inside River instead of one always fighting for dominance.
"Aw River don' think like that. It don' matter what them hun dans did te ya. What I think is that ya can't be two diffren' people in one person. Why don' ye find a way so that the crazy killer girl and who ya really is cen, aw gorramit what's the word… Co-exist that's it! Co-exist together all peaceful like. Tha'd be right shiny."
Jayne could almost hear the gears turning in her head, considering what he'd said. After what seemed like forever River looked at him with determination in her big brown eyes.
"Jayne-man you are right. One person can not have two people both trying to be heard. Must become one to be whole. Not one without the other."
Nodding, Jayne put his big, paw like hand on her shoulder, rubbing comforting circles as he spoke, "Now yer talkin' right River-girl."
Leaning into his hand, River moved so she had her head in his lap and she was lying down on the worn work bench. Looking up at Jayne through her lashes, River could tell he was surprised at her actions but not against them. Jayne lifted his hand and began to stroke her hair while his eyes looked down at her with acceptance for who she had become.
Closing her eyes, the broken girl concentrated on reaching out to the monster inside her, calling her to the surface. In her mind the killer the Alliance had created looked like her, but somehow younger and more frightened.
Offering the scared girl her hand, she smiled at her and whispered, "There is no me without you, and there is no you without me. Two must be at peace to become whole."
The younger River looked at the outstretched hand. "I'm scared." she said in a small voice.
"Don't be. We have a family that loves us. Not like Mother and Father who wanted us to make them look good, but a family who loves us for who we are."
River wanted to show her other self that she had nothing to fear, she called up an image of the crew of Serenity. Younger River studied the picture closely inspecting the faces of everyone one at a time. The girl smiled. "They really do love us." Scared no longer, she walked slowly to River and took her hand. The two girls turned and walked towards the image of their new family. Finally becoming one person instead of two people.
Opening her eyes, River sat up from her place on Jayne's lap. Her mind was clear and free of intruding voices, although she was sure if she let down her walls she would hear them. It felt amazing to be able to have a clear mind, that wasn't being invaded by thoughts and feelings that weren't hers.
Grinning up at the merc, she whispered, "Thank you Jayne-man. My head is my own once more. There was a low probability that I would've come to such a solution. I'm in debt to you."
Giving the young woman a honest-to-goodness smile, Jayne smoothed back her hair and planted a kiss on her forehead. Looking up at him and putting her hands on his face, she traced the contours of his chiselled features committing each line and groove to memory. Running her hands through his short hair to the back of his neck, River pulled him down for a kiss.
The kiss lasted for several moments, as he pulled back he looked into her eyes, searching for a reason for her unexpected actions.
River smiled at him. "Not one without the other. We are one and the same. I love you my Jayne."
Jayne's face broke into a grin. "That's a good thing, cos ya see, I love ya to."
Her smile widening River stretched up and gave her bao bei a kiss.