The Bitter One

By Miss. Bra

Making up the reasons

To justify all the hurt inside

Cause she knows, from the smiles

And the looks in their eyes

Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one

They're sayin', Mamma never loved her much,

And, ah, Daddy never keeps in touch

That's why she hides away from human affection

But somewhere in a private place

She packs her bag for outer space

And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come

And she'll say to him:

I would fly you to the moon and back, if you'll be my baby…

I never thought the day would come when I hated my life- where everything just went wrong, day after day, after day. I had my bad days, doesn't everybody? I couldn't imagine them continuing, like the sickest, never-ending dream, like the gods hated me. But they did, and, though I tried to live my life, I couldn't help but know I was being damned for my actions. I was being damned because I couldn't forget. Because I wouldn't forget.

My name is still Chihiro Ogino- which has the most unsightly ring to it that whenever someone says it I scowl. Chihiro Ogino, Chihiro Ogino, damn, I was damned from the start when my parent's named me, wasn't I?

I'm sixteen; almost a woman. I'm on my 'P's', driving without an adult, speeding up the main street at three times over the limit, wondering where death will take me. My little death wish, my little green Nissan, belting out Flyleaf music, fuzzy dice swinging on the rear vision mirror.

My mother waited for me at home, but didn't say a word as she walked out the door for her night shift. There was a plate of steaming pasta on the counter. At least she cared enough to leave some.

I ate it as I logged into Face-book and searched the window that said 'people you may know'. I noticed a few girls from school and 'added them as friends', as they would say. For a moment, I had to do a double take when I thought I saw my father's picture. I was sorely mistaken. This holding a large fish man was much too happy to be my father.

I let the music run through the computer speakers and placed my now empty plate and fork onto the desk. I had a paper due and a Friday night to kill, so, like me, I decided that, instead of going out with friends, partying the night away with my mother knowing nothing about it, I would write my paper due in on the Monday. Again.

Not that I had friends. I had acquaintances. You know, people you smile at up and down the hallway whenever you see them, get paired up on assignments when you would have chose someone else. They were nice enough, all these acquaintances. Nice enough to my face, and I thought that was what counted. I knew that they talked about me behind my back, but they smiled to my face. It wasn't their fault, really.

I really hate dragging things on like this, and, well, this is my life, my memoirs, but for you poor people at home, sitting on the lounge, caught up in my life, under your air-conditioning with a happy family, I think I can let you in.

I was thirteen when my father, Aiko, left myself and my mother, Yukko, after fifteen years of marriage. You always see that those who get a divorce are two, maybe three years into a marriage. It is the rare occasion that long term marriages crumble, and I never used to understand why middle aged marriages ended in a divorce. It seemed impossible. Oh, they've been together for fifteen years, they must love each other a lot, they'll last.

My case was not so much.

I can't remember the exact details; I was thirteen at the time- and happy. I knew my father was frustrated at my mother- he was a very political man and cared deeply about geographical statistics such as natural increase. I knew he wanted another baby to take their places, instead of just me taking one parents places. I also knew my mother was infertile.

I remember drawing at my desk when my mother announced to me that 'Daddy' wasn't coming back. I knew she was relieved, but then distraught at the same moment. I knew how she would struggle to support herself and me and keep the house.

We sold the house, which was one of the easiest decisions that I've ever made. My mother cared at least enough to buy a flat in the same town, so I could go to the same school. I don't know how I would have coped if she didn't, how I would have kept my sanity if I was away from that forest for too long.

I decorated the flat, which, she didn't seem to mind. I did the shopping, the washing and the housekeeping while my mother worked for our money.

I don't hear from my father- I haven't for three and a half years.

And so, Monday rolls on, mother works at a department store on Saturday and on Sunday she announces gruffly that she has a date. She's out for most of the night; I hear a deep voice at the doorway as she walks in but she says goodbye, there's a kissing sound and the lift chimes open.

I got up and got ready for school. Mother was sleeping still in her room while I had a quick shower. I pulled on my blue uniform, complete with school girl checked skirt and black leather tie, take money for lunch and grab my bag, stuffing my assignment in as I walk out the door.

The tram, oh what can I say about the tram? It's ugly. Really, really ugly. Ugly seats, ugly stops, ugly people. Full stop, ugly. Nothing else said.

School is like a lock-down, large gates, full fence and a basketball court. There are some boys smoking out the front; they offer me one. I walk past.

I see my favourite acquaintance- Heidi, I think her name is. I can only recognize her attractive face; I don't speak enough to speak her name.

"Chihiro?" She says to me as she walks up. I nod a reply; she seems unfazed and continues to speak. "I really like your hair today, did you do something new?"

I looked at the brown ends that hang by my shoulder bluntly. Did I do something new? It was… straightened, if that was what she meant.

"It's… straightened?" I reply cautiously. Come now, she's my favourite, how can I not talk to her?

She smiled. "Well, it looks good anyway," She smiled sweetly, her cherry lips against her pale face. "We have geography next, but Miss. Lee is away. I think we'll have Mr. James."

She turned out right; which, I never expected her to be wrong. Heidi sat up the front of her class with her apparent 'bestie', someone she trusted all her secrets with, someone that she would fall on. I wondered if this 'bestie' could be trusted, if they had enough will-power to not buckle under the pressures. I had thought trying it out sometime, getting one of these 'besties', but I had decided against it. I didn't want someone else's life screwed up if they couldn't handle the pressure.

I sat down the back, my brown tresses covering my pale face, trying not to draw attention to myself, jotting down notes with a plain blue pen. Though, as much as I tried I couldn't be invisible, I couldn't even be 'un-noticeable'. I was plain, and I tried to work that to my advantage. It never seemed to work.

I got stares from two blonde girls that sat in front of me. I heard them talking about me. They didn't have the decency wait until after class.

"They say her dad walked out on her, cut up her dog in the backyard," One of them said. I found the humour in it, though, no smile graced my lips. That was a new one: my father butchered my dog. I was allergic to dogs. Perhaps I should have pointed that out to them. I wondered what their reactions would have been.

"Her mother doesn't speak about her," The other said. I recognized her from the Supermarket Christmas party. She wasn't as graced enough to be one of my acquaintances. Her name was Mandy and her mother worked with my mother at the Supermarket. "Mum said she asks how Chihiro is going. Her mother never replies."

I almost snorted. Figures.

"She never speaks herself," The first girl said. "I've been at school with her since she's been here. She used to speak. She hasn't spoken since the divorce. Does she speak to Heidi?"

The girl I knew nodded. They obviously thought I was too far away for them to hear their hushed whispers. I could, almost perfectly.

"Heidi likes her," The girl replied. "Thinks she's really pretty." I almost glowed at the compliment. Again, almost. "They would probably be friends if she talked more. She's cold though, I don't know how Heidi puts up with her."

The last comment didn't phase my state of mind. I was happy though my lips were pursed and my eyes were harsh. I couldn't think of a way that I could repay Heidi without getting in too deep with her.

The bell rang and school ended quickly. I handed in the assignment at the office, knowing that we didn't have the subject today and cursing the teacher for making it due today.

Heidi walked out of the school much too quickly for me to catch her, not that I would have. I walked home after school, by myself. I didn't catch the tram and detoured down to the town square to walk aimlessly around the shops.

I loved the jewelers and I knew that if I could afford it, the shop would have been bought out. I saved my pennies and kept my eye on a diamond necklace. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was something. It was gold and diamond and I knew I would be contented to have it, whether I owned sprayed Britannica jewelry for the rest of my days.

At that moment I was two hundred and thirty dollars off of it. It cost that exact amount. I was broke. As always.

I know what you're thinking; actually, I know what you're gagging for. I know you want to know if I ever thought of Haku. It's been five pages of me droning on about my life and I haven't once mentioned his name. You're probably pulling your hair out as you read this sentence. I am a very cruel creature, I have to admit and I enjoy seeing people squeam. I might just hold you off for a bit longer. No? You don't want that.

Oh, I see, you want to know now. Did I think about Haku as I went about my daily life? Did I think about what he done in the Spirit world and did I ever think if he was coming for me, did I ever wonder if he'd forgotten?

And you want the honest truth, do you? I suppose that's what is expected when you ask someone a question. I've been so good at lying the past few years I don't know if I can tell you the truth. Oh, look, I've gone on for too long and you're pulling your hair out again. How amusing!

And the honest truth if I ever thought about Haku, if I ever thought he would come back and save me?

No.

I hope I didn't hurt you. I really do, I hope you don't close the book now because that would be quite a shame. Read all this way to find something you didn't like and just close the book? Life is like that, but you cannot close the book. Solider through, hope things get better in life, because you never know what's at the end of the book.

I always tell myself that life can have a happy ending. Nice thought isn't it? Nice metaphor?

I don't think about Haku, I don't think about him coming to save me because that would be a delusion, and delusions are what kill the best of us. Delusions of grandeur killed off the best of kings and leaders. Really, it did.

To think he would come back and save me? Save, really, save, that's the only way I can think of it. Be like my prince charming, sweeping me off my feet with a kiss, taking me away from the cruel world. Too little, too late- my sweet. Perhaps if I was still a love-sick teenager in the muck of the world I would have come back with you.

So now you know how I feel, really you do. Are all your Haku lusts satisfied now? Oh, their not? Really now, we can't have that can we?

I'm a cruel creature it's true. I'm bitter, apparently, the girls at school say, and, I enjoy watching others suffer. My mother disconnected MTV around three months ago. I'm going cold turkey and it's very hard. I need a bit of chaos in my life, don't I?

Touch wood! The first thing that came into your mind was Haku, wasn't it? Ha, I knew it. You're so pathetic. Did I hurt your feelings again? You aren't going to close the book now are you? That really would be a shame.

I went to bed pretty early, I skipped dinner. Mum's home somewhere… somewhere. Probably out calling her 'boyfriend' I imagine. The phone bill will be high this month. She won't be happy, though, I'll point out it's her fault and she'll snap back and say something like.

"Oh shut up, Chihiro. At least I have a life."

Or:

"Get out of my face, I have enough worries, I don't need you on top of them."

Let's go out on a limb here:

"What, you're out of your little Spirit world? Oh happy day, why now and why see me first?"

Ouch, huh?

Yeah, so I never hid the fact that I went to the spirit world. I told my mother when I was thirteen and a bit. A bit before father-dearest left. I never told mum that I thought she still resembled a pig, but sometimes, as she puts on her always-red dress and applies her foundation, I can still notice her little beady eyes and her greasy, oily pig skin face.

I woke up the next morning and it was raining. The sun had died! Oh, joyous day! It was about time, I was starting to think that this place was too perfect for rain. The reality was soothing.

Mother was up and grumbled around the house. Apparently she had a meeting today and had straightened her hair without looking out the window. I said nothing. I wouldn't want to have to walk in the rain.

I should have touched wood right then because the tram had broken down and I was forced to walk in the rain. Unfortunately for me, when I did end up at school I had little time to seek new clothes and was pushed straight into class. My blue shirt was now see-through. I had a pink dotted bra underneath. My hair stuck to the side of my face and if I wore make-up I'm sure it would have been ruined.

Heidi took pity and gave me her sweater. I took it wordlessly, trying to form a thank you in my mouth. It wouldn't come. It would be one of those days.

I knew my English teacher was annoyed with me when I he asked me a question and I didn't open my mouth. I knew the answer, it was in my head. The question was about poetry movements and the answer was about the poem "The Old Mariner," Or something. But the words wouldn't form and he sent me outside again. I sat in the corridor, wrapped up in Heidi's sweater, watching a documentary through into the next class room.

Eventually, I was let inside and I sat down swiftly, wordlessly. I pulled out my pen and quickly wrote down onto my paper. I was relieved when words started to come out. I couldn't speak, but I could write.

Dear Heidi, I wrote in small, precise lettering.

Thanks for the jumper.

I was stumped. Now what? I couldn't think of anything else to write so I signed my first name at the bottom and slipped it to her.

I tried not to watch as she opened it. I looked up and she smiled at me before picking up her pen and scribbling down a reply. She slipped it back quickly.

Hey Chihiro, Her writing was large and rounded.

You're welcome, you can take it home if you want and give it back tomorrow.

She was kind but as I read further I felt a horrible ache.

What's wrong? You seem a little bit out of it? Why won't you reply, why won't you talk?

I tried to write a reply as to why I was acting the way I did, but as the pen touched the paper, it was taken off again. Could I really tell her why? Would I be as weak as to open up to someone? I didn't trust. The reality was hard.

But I did. It was simple, but to me it explained everything. It explained as much as I wanted her to know.

I can't. I try but I can't.

I slipped it over to her and she seemed contented at the note. She smiled at me as she slipped the note into her pencil case, away from the teacher's eye. Perhaps she would show her friends later, to prove that she really was breaking me down. I didn't know what she would do and frankly I didn't care. The bell rang and I got out of there.

Heidi caught me after school however and pulled me to the side. I saw the side-way glances of some girls as they walked past. Heidi seemed not to notice, her eyes looked at me, a smile across her face.

"What are you doing tomorrow afternoon?" She asked me sweetly. Damn it! It was a question! Damn all questions to hell! That meant I would have to answer, and, it was Heidi which meant I couldn't just shrug. I was starting to really hate this girl.

"Nothing," I replied. It was the first time I had talked all day. I didn't think I could do it, but the little word coach that plagued my mind kept jumping up and down. You can do it, Chihiro, You can do it!

She grinned. "That's great," She said, "Some of my friends are going down to a pool that we found. I would like you to come too; I think it could be really great!"

I talked without thinking. I know, it scared me too. "Yes," I said rather quickly. Yay! Two in less than a minute for Chi-Chan! My coach was going mental in my brain.

She gave me all the information and bided me a goodbye as she shuffled to catch her bus. I nodded and turned away, wondering why I was in such a moment of weakness.

That weakness changed, however, when I opened up the door to my apartment and I realized that the door handle was hot. Smoke drifted out from under the door.

It occurred to me as I ran down the stairs, hand-in-hand with a very attractive fire-man that my flat was on fire. I grimaced. As if things could get any worse.

I stayed calm- I was a master at that and no one questioned my non-talking-ness as the entire building was evacuated. We stood outside watching. I could see the flames lick out of my window, the kitchen window. Slowly, eventually they died out. The fire-man's hand never left mine.

Apparently mother had left the stove on and while taking a phone call a nearby tea-towel had become lit, following my daisy bush which lay on the kitchen table and all the bills that lay next to it needing to be paid.

The kitchen was burnt out but nothing else had been touched. Only my room had the distinct smell of smoke and held it for many, many months to come. Some of mothers photos had been burnt and ironically, they all held dad. I thought it was rather amusing anyway. Mum said she didn't know any still existed in the house.

It was amazing I actually owned a pair of swimmers than that they were bikinis or that I was actually considering going on this trip. I'd taken the day off school and had rung the school to tell them why. They said they already knew at it occurred to me that it was on the news. I knew the entire school knew.

I slipped the bikini top over what little I had there and found a strapless beach dress to wear. I packed the swimming essentials, sunscreen, towel, goggles and a sense of fun. Unfortunately, the latter I couldn't find so I left the house without it. I was sure I kept it just under my bed, right next to where I kept the memories of Haku.

Ha! That hurt you didn't it?

Mother actually drove me there! I couldn't believe it. Apparently she wanted to pray by the small shrines by the forest for the fire. They had cleaned her out of all 'negative energy', which incase you didn't know was all the photos of Dad.

Heidi and her friends were waiting for me at the entrance, where mum pulled the car up and I stepped out. She bid me a quick, emotionless farewell.

Heidi was quick to introduce me, but the three girls that stood there already knew my name. I, however, didn't.

They were all varieties, a brunette, a blonde and a red-head. Reminded me of a joke. I could remember their names by matching them with their hair colours. The brunette was named Mia, the blonde, Rachelle and the red-head Amii. They all looked at me with somber expressions, their arms folded across their exposed chests. Obviously, Heidi had not told them that I was coming.

It seemed that they would be civil to me and we walked through the forest. Heidi was chatting with her friends with me wandering aimlessly beside her. I was sort of listening, though, more paying attention to where exactly I was.

Damn, I was in Haku's forest. I know, I said his name again, go mad you girls, won't you? I was seriously pondering leaving the group and wandering around. I looked at them; they were in the pool, splashing about.

The pool was quite small, but was obviously quite deep. It was clear as crystal and I could see anything in it. Small fish inhabited it; I could see the shadows dart along the white sand on the bottom.

The girls were in the pool, the food and clothing had been abandoned to the side of the pool. I noticed Heidi usher me in before she called out to me.

Gingerly, I stepped down to the water. I let the water touch my toes. It was rather cold and swirled around my toes easily. Heidi called out to me again, ushering me to get in the water. I shook my head and she turned away.

It was a while, and they were ignoring me. I decided to slip off my dress and slip into the water. It was cold against my skin and the girls didn't notice as I swam through the water. There was a rock around the middle of the pool. It was just high enough for me to sit. They noticed me then, but they continued to play their game. Marco Polo, I noticed.

Eventually, Heidi noticed and smiled. I tried to smile back, but I couldn't. Amii, I noticed, was looking at me with narrowed ever-green eyes.

"Do you want to play?" She spat. I almost winced at the sharpness of her tongue. I knew she didn't like me. I shook my head.

"Do you know what we're doing?" She pressed on. Heidi scowled her. She didn't seem to notice and continued to speak. "We're playing a game. You would have learnt it when you were five?" She paused and I noticed I was glaring at her. "Perhaps your daddy never taught you it?"

And then, I did something I had no idea I could do. I snapped. I spoke. My voice was raspy and dry and my throat was burning. My voice sounded foreign. "Don't you ever think I am stupid," I seethed. "Don't you ever think that; you have no idea."

And, with that, I slipped down from the rock, letting the water envelope my chest. I swam back to the shore, staggering up the bank, knowing their widened eyes were on me. I slipped the dress back on and went to get my shoes. It wouldn't be long before the word got around that I had spoken to them harshly. And then, I had no doubt, I would be hated much more than I was now.

Perhaps my English teacher would demand to move me out of class, or something horrible like that?

Disclaimer- I don't own the song 'To the Moon and Back' or the movie Spirited Away. All rights go to Savage Garden and associates, and Hayao Miyazaki.

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