Author's Note: This was inspired by the Yoda and Tequila fanfic on Topless Robot. Google it, you will thank yourself. I put my own spin on it. This is a silly little story and not meant to be serious in any way shape or form, so you have been warned. If you are offended by the mockery of these beloved characters then turn away now. I don't own the characters, or the force, or anything awesome about that universe. I do have a toy lightsaber though.
I like to think that this is what J.J. Abrams will bring to Star Wars.
Showgirls
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away… Luke ran into the strange looking building. He was blinded by the colorful flashing lights and could barely hear his thoughts over the salacious music, but this is where Yoda told the young jedi to meet him.
"Master Yoda, I'm here! Where are you?" Luke cried.
"Wooooooo! Dat ass, you shake it!" Yoda slurred.
"Master, I hear you but I cannot see you."
Luke navigated around the seedy environment. After seeing all of the nearly naked girls dancing, Luke soon realized that it was, in fact, a strip club.
"What the hell, Yoda?" Luke cried.
"Dem titties, you shake them!" Yoda said.
"I thought this was an emergency!" Said Luke.
Luke saw the nearly empty bottle of tequila next to Yoda.
"Emergency, yes! Tequila makes me want these hoes, and a wingman I must have. Also Luke, you whine like a bitch. Loosen up, you must." Said Yoda
"I…I…. I don't whiiiinnne!" Luke totally whined.
As Yoda tries to make it rain, Han and Leia burst into the club, thinking that they were following Luke into a battle. They both looked confused at the seedy environment.
"Why would Luke go to Nebula Joe's Titty-Tastic Titty Bar?" Han asked.
"…How do you know what this place is called?" Leia accused.
"Uhhh… I smuggled in some anti-bacterial soap in for them…?" Han said.
Right when Leia was about to tear out Han's throat, the owner of the club, a scummy Veknoid, walked up to the couple.
"Han, long time no see! How's my favorite smuggler doing? You came just at the right time, I just got a girl with three boobs in different colors, you'll love them," said the club owner.
"I knew it! You scruffy scummy nerfherder!" Leia cried.
"Wait just a second… Leia? Is that you?" The club owner looked at Leia.
"Uh…," Leia muttered.
"It is you! Daddy's skimping you on your allowance again, huh? Hey, if you've still got that gold bikini I can get you on a pole in a jiffy," said the club owner.
"Well well well, princess. Gold bikini?" Han said with a smile.
"I was young, I needed the money!" Leia explained.
Luke, after taking a few shots of Tequila with Master Yoda, stumbles over to the traumatized princess and trips right in front of her.
"Guys, it is sooo good to see you. This place is AWESOME. Wow, Leia you are lookin' fine today," slurred Luke.
"Make her show her tits!" Yoda shouted.
Luke attempts to do a jedi mind trick on the very pissed off princess.
"You want to show us your tits," Luke said as he put his hand in her face.
"Please work, please work," said Han.
"You can all suck it, I am not showing you my tits!" Leia exclaimed as she pushed Luke's hand off her face.
"By the way, your sister Leia is," said Yoda.
"My sister?!" Han cried.
"No, Luke's sister," said Yoda.
"WHAT?" Luke and Leia said unanimously.
"Ha ha, you kissed your sister!" Han said.
"You guys know I'm still standing here, right? Whatever, there's a Sith Lord here I have to attend to. He comes here every week and cries," said the club owner.
"I do sense something… Vader!" Luke said.
The group looks over at the corner and sees Darth Vader, crying, and throwing money at a stripper.
"My life totally sucks now. My wife is dead, I'm mostly a robot, and I have to give the Emperor sponge baths. Waaaaaahhhhh!" Darth said, burrowing his face in unsanitary sorrow.
"Hey, Luke! PSSSSSST! Your daddy, Vader is!" Yoda slurred.
"Noooooo! It can't be true!" Luke cried.
"Search your feelings, my son, and have more tequila," Darth said to his traumatized son.
Luke and Darth Vader start crying and whining together while throwing money at strippers.
"Sigh. Like father like son. Hey! Your titties, keep shaking!" Yoda said.
"I want to kill myself right now," Leia muttered.
"Best. Day. Ever." Han said, smiling at the ridiculous scene before him.
THE END