SPOOF TREK: The Next Complication
Chapter 1.
"More!" cried Deanna Troi. "More! Ooh, YES! MORE! RIGHT THERE, YOU'RE SO COLD! YES! NOW RASPBERRY, NOW STRAWBERRY … AND CHOCOLATE! Ooooh, A LITTLE MINT! NOW ORANGE. OOH, MORE!!!……"
Suddenly the doorbell rang. "Ooh, yes! Come! COME!" She wailed.
The door swished open and William Riker boldly strode into Deanna's room and found himself skating across the floor toward a massive pile of assorted ice-cream.
He opened his eyes but saw only darkness – "Aah! Help me, I've suddenly gone blind!" Riker stopped a moment to hear the sound of splattering all around him. He was surprised to hear the voice of the Captain, who said: "Replicator! Stop squirting my crew with assorted ice-cream!"
Riker noticed the splatting sound stop and he stood up out of the mess. Mmm, he thought, That Troi! What an erotic, kinky, ice-creamy woman. Qwar !
Picards com pinged and Lt. Worf's voice boomed; "Captain Picard, report to the bridge."
"On my way." Picard said, "Are you two going to be alright?"
"Sound as a pound is round, captain" Riker announced with a few quick flicks of his eyebrows.
"Deanna?" said Picard.
"More…" shrieked a weary counsellor Troi from within the ice-cream.
Picard arrived on the bridge and was well pleased to see everything was as usual:
Lt. Worf was checking his console, Ensign Crusher was overseeing a change of course and Data was dangling from the ceiling.
"What's the problem, Mr. Worf?" asked Picard.
"Nothing," barked the Klingon, "False alarm."
Jean-Luc relaxed back into his chair for a moment then spoke gently.
"Mr. Data, if I could speak to you in my readyroom please."
"Aye, sir." Data replied as he came down from the roof.
Captain Picard went into his readyroom with Data CLOSE behind him.
"Data!"
"Aye, sir?"
"Could you please get down from my shoulders?"
"Aye, sir." Data replied, climbing down Picard's leg and back onto the deck.
Picard sat down. "Please sit down, Mr. Data."
"Aye, Sir." Data replied again as he sat down.
"Mr. Data?"
"Aye, sir?"
"May I talk to you about those books on Warp Drives that I lent you?"
"Aye, sir." Data replied.
"Firstly, did you find anything of interest in the books?"
"Aye, sir. I found a number of interesting things inside the books."
"Really? And what were they?"
"Inside the Crayola 'how to colour warp engines' book, I found a love letter from Beverley to you…"
Picard frowned.
"Inside the 'warp-engine-designed birthday cakes' book," Data continued, "I found a love letter from Deanna to you…"
Picard turned red.
"Inside the 'smell of warp engines' novel, I found a large love letter from you to yourself…"
Picard turned green.
"And inside the 'warpety warp-warp' book, I found an incomplete love letter from you to Commander Riker."
Picard left the readyroom window open behind him.
Back in the relaxing atmosphere of the bridge, Picard was recovering with Dr. Crusher by his sick bed.
"How are you feeling now, Jean-Luc?" she inquired.
"Kerrible!" he belched.
"Well, it's your own fault. If you hadn't jumped out of your window – especially at this height – then you wouldn't have broken your legs, arms, neck, nose, ribs, toes, fingers, ears and eyelids."
"Whak arout ny keeth?"
Worf laughed.
"Whak's so fungy?" Picard burped.
Worf laughed some more.
And some more.
And a little more.
And more.
"He can't even fart without something falling off!" Worf said.
Worf laughed again.
And some more.
And more still.
"Captain." Said Worf, giggling slightly.
"Yesh, miss Woft?" he replied sarcastically.
Worf tutted and said again "Captain." – seriously this time.
"What's the problem?"
"A Romulan Bird's Nest has uncloaked off the port bow."
"Down scope!" the captain yelled.
A sub-space telescope came down from the roof and Picard looked deep into the lens.
"Oh, my goodness!" Picard cried.
"What is it, Jean-Luc? What's wrong?" asked Beverley.
"They've detached a Romulan Magpie!"
"Verify, Mr. Worf." Riker commanded.
"The Romulan Magpie is taking attack position, Commander."
Riker stood up, took a deep breath, and cried "RED PERVERT!"
All heads turned to a rather embarrassed William Riker. "um…red elert.." he corrected himself, wondering if they knew he was wearing Troi's bra.
"Up scope, shields up full, prepare to fire." The Captain ordered.
"Captain!" Worf woofed, "The Romulans have laid an egg!"
Picard braced himself. "How long until impact, Lieutenant?"
Worf checked his readings "Four, no three, no two, no, yes, no; that is…" he was cut short.
The whole ship shook madly.
Worf continued "..The egg impacted approximately ten seconds ago, Captain."
"Thankyou, Mr. Worf. You're too helpful." Picard gargled, "Status report, Mr. Wiff."
"Grrrr" Worf grrrrd, "Shields are down to thirty percent. SIR!"
Riker was with Worf at his post. "The Romulan Magpie is going into labour, Captain. What action should we take?"
"Fire a nuclear golf ball right between their eyes!" he yelled.
"Aye, sir!" Worf replied.
The nuclear golf ball flew across the view screen towards the Romulan ship before an intense explosion.
" A BIRDY!!" they cried.