Disclaimer: I do know claim the rights to Naruto. That's Masashi Kishimoto's deal. I just make fanfiction.
Author's Note: Contains spoilers. Very vague spoilers. It's a follow-up to "Shiver: Before Day Breaks".
On another "Note": I hate Sakura. For me she was totally unnecessary. I've realized that her role could easily be filled by Ino. And Ino could still keep her role as Shikamaru and Chouji's childhood friend. So don't ask me why I did this perspective prose on Sakura. I hated it. She ANGSTS a lot in this one. But it's good for authors to go outside of their comfort zone.
"No one can lose what they do not own." - Marcus Aurelius
Sometimes I cry. It's hard knowing that the only one you've ever loved is a murderer, a traitor, and out for the blood of your friends and family. I know this well. I was there when my teacher, Kakashi, carried my best friend on his back, beaten and battered. Like a doll. A broken and forgotten toy. I do not like to think of my best friend as someone who is battered and overused. Someone who only serves as a means to an end. We all were.
I still remember when Naruto promised me that he'd bring him back, even if it killed him. I should never have made him promise me that. I should have been less selfish.
It has been a lonely five years. I've become better acquainted with Hinata and Ino as a result of my medical training with my mentor. We are all students of hers, but it looks like I am the most promising. It's just as well. I've been practically useless to the one I love for the past ten years. I'm so useless that he slipped right through my fingers. I never truly had a grasp on him anyway.
He was unreachable. Untouchable. That was part of his appeal, I guess. I was just too shallow to understand what that truly meant for him.
My lungs feel brittle. My eyes burn. I look up at the morning sky with resent. How can it be so clear, so serene? How can the sun shine with such hope when my heart is breaking? How can it dare? How can others go on with their lives? It isn't fair. It isn't right. Everything feels so wrong.
Kakashi says that feeling this way is normal. He says he knows. I can't agree. No one can know.
My world was rent apart that day. Crumbled. Like a pillar of ash that, as soon as it's touched, will fall. Because he set me on fire and I burned for him. He knew it. He knew it well. I burned until all that was left was my ash-world that crumbled.
How did I become so fragile? How did I, my teammates strength, become a weakness?
My heart feels like it's breaking again. I begin to head for Ino's house. She always knows what to say to help me. She's so kind. I knock on the door and her father answers it, shaking his head kindly.
No, Ino isn't here.
Do you know where she might be?
"I haven't the foggiest. I'm sure she'll be back around noon. Do you want me to tell her you stopped by and asked for her when she gets back?"
"No. Thanks anyway."
I turn away and begin leaping towards the great forest. Maybe Hinata will listen, or Shino. They understand this sort of pain. The quiet ones are always good listeners and I can usually find them training. But, no. As soon as I reach the forest, I see Sai, the team's replacement for the one I love. And, curled up, sleeping beside him, is Ino. Ino. They are so close. They are so peaceful. The area around them is hushed, as though even the forest and its inhabitants do not want to disturb such a precious and picturesque moment. My eyes squeeze shut and, quietly as possible, I run away, far from here.
I find myself at Ichiraku's Ramen. Naruto always comes here. I can talk to him about Sasuke. I go to lift the flap and see him sitting with Hinata, talking to her animatedly about all the adventures he had been on during his training with the frog spirits. Hinata's eyes shine, sking glowing, and she was enraptured. She is looking at him as though he were the sun in her sky. She loves him. He likes her. This realization strikes me with a sense of betrayal. Of jealousy. Why? Why? I do not love Naruto. I do not want him...but perhaps I do. Lately, his attention has strayed from me. He has bothered me with indecent proposals less often, his constant blather about dating has dwindled...I am no longer the object of his love.
I backed away and tried to quell the pain in my chest. Why were all these things being taken from me? It wasn't fair. It wasn't right.
I ran off again. I needed someone, anyone. But no one will come for me. The one I love does not care. The one I depend on no longer sees me as helpless and incapable. The one I trust is off sleeping beside a boy while I long for one. My teacher is busy. My mentor is in a coma. I have no one.
I push people aside, thinking all of these things. If Sasuke saw me right now, he would call me a little fool and demand that I pull myself together. Someone stops me. I hit them and they catch the punch. It is Yamato.
"What?" I snarl.
Yamato regards me, a disappointed look in his eye. "Nothing you do will make you feel better. He was your first love."
"He's my only love."
Yamato's gaze leveled. "Your love is a traitor."
I grimaced bitterly, "I know. Stop it. Just stop... I know...I..." Tears leak out of my eyes. Captain Yamato turns from me silently as I vent my feelings. He knows it is sometimes better not to offer comfort when all I need is solitude.
It's hard knowing that the only one you've ever loved is a murderer, a traitor, and out for the blood of the ones you love. It's hard when everyone is so unforgiving. They all want him dead. I'm the only one left who loves him.
I am weak, though I am physically strong. It's all for show. My heart is so fragile. Lonely and empty. Like my life.
So I cry.