Maybe I had known the minute I walked into the lair. It was how everything was organized. How the pc's stood in order next to each other. The bank account. The timelines. The photographs. The coats. Everything. It couldn't be true. Or.. It shouldn't be. But I am afraid it is. Though I can't believe it, and I won't. Until I see his reaction. Until he gives me an explanation.
Just a couple of things didn't fall into place. On my timeline there were photos taken of us together and photos of me that were impossible for him to take. Because I was either looking to him, or with him.
While writing this I feel exhausted of everything we learned today. Of everything I have to think of. I tried to deny the feeling of being sad, being deceived. Because if it would be true, that he was 'Big A', than that is what he had done for years, deceiving us. But most of all deceiving me. If it would be true then.. Then I would have helped him to get his information, to sneak up on us. Now I realized that he didn't have to spy on me as much as he spied on the other girls, who all had security camera's that were broken into. He already had me, as often as he wanted. Not Emily, like Mona said, had been the weakest link, but I were.
By loving him I had hurt my best friends. The car, Hanna, the text saying: '' She knew too much''. A was never talking about Hanna knowing who A was. But Hanna knowing of us. She, after all, had seen us in his car. And just after that, it happened at the parking lot. Maybe that was how our relationship was always a good kept secret. Everyone who knew about it, before we went public, was driven over.
The tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't believe what I was thinking. Maybe it wasn't him. Maybe everything made look like it was him. But who could it be then? And how were things supposed to get back to normal between us? After all my thoughts this evening, I don't think I could look him in the eye and say that I believed him. I don't think I could kiss him anymore. Let go love him. Yesterday evening things seemed like normal between us, finally. When we were talking, everything seemed like we were a couple again. So I couldn't resist giving him a little kiss, while he was talking so proudly about my stories, so passionately. And that night, I couldn't stop thinking about him, about us. Because I felt like, after all that happened, we would be able to be happy together again.
No, no.. No. I couldn't think that easy about him anymore. It would be the best if I prepared myself for the worst. Ezra was A. All this time he had deceived me by making me believe that he loved me. And even though I mustn't think that right now, I can't believe that he was pretending it all. Our love must have been real. But though, it could never be restored again.
I would always feel like I would be sleeping with the enemy.