Lily Idol

by secondmezzanine

Lily has something all the boys want... so she makes them compete for it, American Idol-style! Nothing serious, just fluffy silliness. Perhaps more amusing if you've watched AI, but not necessary at all.

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own HIMYM or American Idol. If I did, I'd be rich.
Summary: Lily has something all the boys want... so she makes them compete for it, American Idol-style! Nothing serious, just fluffy silliness. Perhaps more amusing if you've watched AI, but not necessary at all.

Author's Notes: Written for idioticonion at LJ who noted that all three of the guys know how to play the piano... and there should be some fic out there to explore that! Thanks for the fun prompt! :)

--

"Dude, who even listens to the radio anymore?" Marshall crossed the living room to adjust the stereo. "And Kelly Clarkson?! You know I don't allow Kelly Clarkson in this house. Not after she stole Justin's glory. Lil, how do I switch the station?" He fiddled with the dial, and strains of "Because of You" wavered in decibel.

Lily, standing in the kitchen doorway, waved frantically at him, the other hand clutched over the telephone. "Marshall! STEP AWAY FROM THE RADIO!" she stage-whispered. Her eyes widened and she turned back to the telephone.

Marshall turned to Ted and Robin, who were eating pizza at the kitchen table. "What's up with her?"

Robin raised her eyebrows. "Uh, back up a minute there… what do you mean, stole Justin's glory, exactly? Who's Justin?"

"Exactly," Ted offered. "Marshall hates Kelly Clarkson because he wanted Justin Guarini to win American Idol. He had a serious guy-crush on him. And now people don't even know who Justin is."

"Okay, first of all, I did not have a crush on Justin Guarini. I just thought his performances were touching and inspiring, okay? He deserved the fame and glory that Kelly Clarkson is now reaping. And second of all, who's Lily on the phone with?"

"SSSH!" Lily hissed, waving her free arm at Marshall again. "Hello? Yes? WRPZ? Yes, did I win?!"

Marshall watched, puzzled, as a moment later Lily let out a shriek and threw herself on the couch, kicking her feet happily in the air. "Oh my god! Oh my god!" Ted, Robin, and Marshall stared as she proceeded to dictate her address and information with the person on the other line. When she hung up, she rolled off the couch and jumped up and down a few times. "I was the ninth caller! I just won two tickets to see Kelly IN CONCERT!" She danced across the room and jumped into Marshall's arms. "Baby, I won! I won!"

"Lily, that's awesome!" Robin exclaimed. "I mean, she's no Bryan Adams or anything, but—hey, who are you going to take?"

Marshall shot Robin a strange look as he curled an arm under Lily's legs and around her back to carry her. "Well obviously she's taking me. We're sort of married."

"If you're only sort of married, then she's only sort of obligated to take you," Ted said, throwing his pizza napkin down. "Lily, come on! We've watched every episode of American Idol since the beginning. We both believe that Kelly was clearly deserving of a win. You have to take me. Marshall still hates her!"

Lily looked up at Marshall, thinking about it. "Hmmm, that's a good point. Marshall, you did throw one of my Kelly CDs in the trash compactor once."

"I did not," Marshall insisted, letting Lily drop gently to the floor. "Barney did that. He's the one who hates her. I love Kelly! I've always loved Kelly!"

"Psssh, right," Lily said. "Sweetie, you don't have to pretend. I know you're still upset about always picking the loser every year."

"Justin and Clay were not losers!" Marshall cried. "They were first runner-ups!"

"Anyway," said Robin smoothly. "Hey, why don't you sell them on eBay? I bet you could get like five hundred bucks for them!"

Three pairs of eyes stared at her.

"Robin," Ted finally said, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I'm going to say this very kindly because I know you're Canadian and don't understand our advanced cultural system here in America. You don't. Get rid. Of Kelly tickets."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever. But if I won Melissa O'Neil tickets, it's what I would do." When that garnered no response, she crossed her arms. "She won Canadian Idol."

The silence that followed that statement was interrupted by the sound of Barney throwing open the apartment door. "Did I hear someone say Canadian Idol? There's a Canadian Idol?" Barney scoffed, tossing his briefcase aside. "You guys are barely a country. How do you possibly organize to install the voting lines, much less pick an idol?" He threw the others his patented "see what I did there?" head bob-and-grin.

Robin opened her mouth to retort, but Lily stopped her. "Barney! I just won two tickets to see Kelly Clarkson!"

Barney froze for a moment, staring at her. "I demand that extra ticket," he finally said, his voice strained and deadly serious.

"Hell no," Ted said. "I call it. Lily, think of the night we called in to vote seventy-eight times! Remember how proud we were of ourselves? We made Kelly's success! Together!"

An expression of nostalgic pride washed over Lily's face.

"No way, dude," Barney said. He waved his hands in front of Lily's face to stop the memory from flooding back. "That concert is going to be swarming with college chicks. Ted has a girlfriend. It would be a complete waste. I call that ticket."

"Some of us want to go to enjoy the music," Marshall interrupted. "Also, some of us are legally bound to the woman with the ticket. The beautiful, intelligent woman who—"

"Oh give it a rest, Marshall," Robin said. "You tried to trash-compact Lily's CD in Justin's honor. Seriously, guys. Think of how much alcohol we could buy with five hundred bucks! I'm telling you, eBay's the way to go." The outcry to this suggestion was substantial.

"All right all right all right," Lily shouted in her best kindergarten teacher voice, slapping her hands over her ears. "I've just come to a decision. Ted. Marshall. Barney. You each want a ticket. There is only one ticket to be had. So… we're going to let America decide."

"Bad idea," Robin said. "America picked Bush. And Taylor Hicks."

"We also picked Obama!" Ted countered. "And Fantasia."

"Dude." Barney rubbed his eyes wearily. "Are you a girl? Seriously, these college chicks will be wasted on you."

"Hey! Listen up," Lily said. She pulled out a kitchen chair and climbed on top of it. "Okay. Welcome, everyone… to LILY IDOL!"

"Hey Lil," Barney said, taking his suit jacket off. "How about if I buy you a pair of boots? You give me the ticket… I give you… Ferragamo shoes."

"Ferra-what? Now who's the girl?" Ted snorted.

Barney shot him a withering look. "It's not girly to look awesome, dude. I'm rocking Ferragamo's right now." He motioned to his oxford shoes.

"Too late, Barney," Lily said. "A bribe may have worked a minute ago, but trust me. This is going to be great. So, okay. Tonight we will convene here in the apartment. Each of you—Ted, Marshall, and Barney—will perform a song. You can use the piano. And I'll be the judge."

Robin clapped her hands gleefully. "Oh, I am so bringing a six-pack and popcorn."

"Oh, sweet," Marshall added with a cocky grin. "Barney. Ted. Good luck competing with the one who's sleeping with the judge."

"And some new Ferragamo slingbacks for me would help, baby," Lily said.

"Hey now," Ted said. "You just said bribes wouldn't work."

"Uh… well maybe I'll rethink that. Anyway!" Lily clapped her hands together. "Eight o'clock tonight! The living room! And remember, guys—song choice is everything!"

At eight o'clock, Lily was perched on the arm of the couch with one of Ted's yellow legal pads in hand. Robin was sprawled out next to her with a beer and a bag of microwave popcorn in her lap. And Barney, Ted, and Marshall were straightening their ties and humming a mish-mash of musical scales.

"First up," Robin declared in an announcer-style voice, sarcastically holding her beer up like a microphone. "The tallest man in most rooms, Marshall Eriksen! We know he can write songs, but the question is, will he charm America?"

Ted and Barney sat down, and Marshall stretched his fingers and waved at the crowd. He tossed a wink and sexy eyebrow wiggle toward Lily, who blew him a kiss.

"Oh, dear god," Barney mumbled. "Wasted tickets…"

Marshall sat at the piano and began to play. "When a maaa-aaaaan… loves a woman," he crooned, tossing another wink back at Lily. "Can't keep his mind on nothin' else…"

"Oh, dear god," Barney repeated. "Wasted."

"I think I'm going to be sick," Ted said.

"Aww," Lily hummed.

Marshall continued the song, taking every opportunity to throw Lily loving looks. When it was over, he walked over to the couch and planted a kiss on her. "All for you, Lily-pad," he said. "And I do love Kelly. Mostly."

When their gag reflexes had recovered, the others gave Marshall half-hearted applause. "Next at bat," Robin announced, her beer-microphone now half-empty, "one Barney Stinson. Ladies' man, classical pianist, and all around good bro. Take it away, Barney."

Barney stood and straightened his tie in a motion only used by Calvin Klein models. "Thank you, Scherbatsky. Stand back, America." Barney sat at the piano and stretched his fingers over the keys. He proceeded to play a series of complicated, cascading notes, which descended like a waterfall and fell into a striking minor chord. He turned back to the group and smirked a little. And then he began to sing. "Come on, Jessica… come on, Tori…"

"What," Robin said, eyes narrowed, "the hell."

Barney continued with the dramatic piano accompaniment. "Let's go… tooo the mall; you won't be soooorry," he sang slowly, years of intense karaoke feeding into the drama of his performance. By the time he got to the chorus of "Let's Go to the Mall," Lily, Marshall, and Ted had descended into hysterical laughter and Robin had knocked all of her popcorn angrily to the floor. When Barney hit the final intense notes, he stayed hunched over the keys for a moment, his eyes clenched passionately shut. Then, the smirk returned, and he stood and bowed to generous applause from Lily, Marshall, and Ted. "Thank you, America."

"You're gonna to pay for that, Stinson," Robin snapped as Barney sat back down on the couch.

"Promise?" he said, eyebrows raised cockily.

She took a moment to collect herself and quit glaring, and finally raised her beer again. "And finally, ladies and gents, Ted Mosby, with what will hopefully not be 'The Entertainer,' which so far is the only song I have ever actually heard him play on the piano. Ted?"

Ted grinned and made his way to the piano without any theatrics, just a quick wave to the audience. Before he sat down, he turned to face them. "My name is Ted Mosby," he said, "and I took piano lessons with Mrs. Helen D. Baumeier for thirteen years. And aside from 'The Entertainer,' this is the only song I know how to play."

He sat at the piano and took a breath. He plunked out a few haphazard notes, muddling his way through sharps and flats. "Grandma got run over by a reindeer," he sang in seriousness, "walking home from our house Christmas…" he hit a wrong note and tried again—"Christmas… Eeeeeve…"

He played only one verse, thankfully, and when he sang the final notes, "But as for me and Grandpa, we believe," he was treated to a standing ovation from Lily and Robin.

"Are you serious?" Barney cried. "That gets a standing ovation? It's March!"

"Oh come on, Barney," Lily said, picking up her yellow legal pad again. "Tell me that wasn't cute."

"Cute?" Barney gaped.

Marshall high-fived Ted. "Nice."

Barney let out a groan.

Lily shushed them all and wrote on her yellow legal pad for a minute. "Robin, can I talk to you for a minute?" She pulled Robin off the couch and they disappeared into the bathroom. After a minute or so (during which Ted, Barney, and Marshall all gave each other tense looks and argued a little more about who was most deserving of a Kelly Clarkson concert), they emerged from the bathroom and stood before the guys with serious expressions on their faces.

"It is time to reveal the judge's comments," Lily said. "Marshall, will you please stand up?" He obliged. "Marshall. You sang 'When a Man Loves a Woman' by Percy Sledge. Your piano playing was understated and effective, and your performance was very romantic." (Barney and Ted rolled their eyes at each other.) "But from a different point of view, some people"—Robin raised her hand slightly—"may have found it heavy-handed."

Lily turned to Barney. "Barney, please stand next to Marshall. Barney. You sang 'Let's Go to the Mall' by the brilliant and underappreciated Canadian artist Robin Sparkles."

"Yeah I did," Barney grinned.

"Your playing was technically proficient and your singing was on key and enjoyable throughout. Musically, yours was undoubtedly the most adequate performance."

"Most adequate," Ted said, snorting with laughter.

"However," Lily continued, "your song choice was questionable."

"What?!" Barney interrupted. "You were laughing your ass off! You loved it!"

"Ted, please stand," Lily said, ignoring Barney. "Ted. You sang 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,' a contemporary Christmas classic. Although adequate enough for Lily Idol, your piano playing was the weakest of the night, and this effected your singing as well. However, you told an appealing introductory story and seemed the most genuine in your performance. You endeared yourself to your audience."

Barney pretended to gag slightly. Marshall looked as if he was going to protest, but Lily held up a hand.

"It is now time to announce who Robin has chosen as your Lily Idol."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Marshall exclaimed. "What do you mean Robin chose? You're the judge!" Ted and Barney jumped in with instant protests.

Robin and Lily exchanged looks. "Listen," Lily said. "On what planet does the judge choose the Idol? No, no, no. The judges give comments. And America decides. In other words, your audience. Which, besides me… is Robin."

Robin gave a wave and smirked at Barney. "All right then. I've made my decision." She held up the beer that was still in her hand. "America… your Lily Idol… and the winner of one ticket to see Kelly Clarkson in concert… is TED MOSBY!"

Ted gave a triumphant shout and jumped over to pull Robin into a hug, followed by a hug for Lily. "All right! Woo! In your face!" he shouted at the guys.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Barney cried. "Give me a break! I was the best! Robin, come on!"

Robin took a casual drink of her beer. "Dude. Song choice is everything. And you chose a song America did not appreciate."

"You aren't even American!" Barney yelled. He pulled angrily at his tie, turned on his Ferragamo heel, and stormed out the of apartment.

"Anyway," Robin said. "Sorry, Marshall. But at least you'll probably get laid tonight."

Marshall shrugged. "True," he said, putting his arm around Lily, who gave him a kiss. "Seriously, though, Ted. Thirteen years of lessons? And you can only play two songs?"

Ted high-fived Robin. "What can I say, dude? The ladies love an underdog."

~