This is just a short little drabble on Mello's thoughts on himself, a self-bashing, if you will. Really, I wanted to practice writing in his point-of-view.
Warning- mild sexual themes (if you squint), self loathe, mentions of drug use (sort of)
On the up side- I think the only curse-word he said was "whore" :D
Disclaimer- Do not own Death Note, therefore I do not own Mello. Now let me go cry in my emo corner.
People don't get a second chance. Whichever path they choose, they must follow until death. When you realize it was the wrong path to follow, you claim it was a mistake.
It wasn't.
You were in your right mind when you robbed the store, murdered your best friend. Don't you tell me you were drugged, either, because it was your choice to stick the needle in your arm, inhale the powder.
Nothing in life is a mistake. A mistake is an accident, and an accident is something you do when not in your right mind.
It wasn't a mistake when I left Wammy's and Matt in order to join the mafia, to beat Near. It wasn't an accident when I killed the under-ranked mafia members. I packed the suitcase, I pulled the trigger. I may regret the things I've done, but that doesn't mean I would stop.
Even with a whore beneath me, though I did not stop to think, I knew a little piece inside me would regret pounding into her, releasing myself into her. I did not just release my sexual needs, but also, I let go of some of my old self, the side of me that holds so much sorrow, despair, the side of me that begs the other to stop it's selfish deeds.
But it is already too late for that.
I knew that every time I pulled the trigger, slept with a whore, a bit of the old me died. That soon, I wouldn't remember any of the times when I was Mihael Keehl. I would only know Mello, for that is who I have become.
Mihael was weak.
Mello is strong.
Mihael let the tears fall.
Mello has none to give.
I chose my path five years ago, when I left. I put on my mask to hide the regret. For the rest of eternity, I will no longer be known as Mihael, the emotional wreck.
I will be known as Mello, the one who gave up everything, and died as nothing.