I look around the locker room, and I catch Josh's eye. He doesn't look away, just nods and holds eye contact, until I look away as the swirling in my stomach becomes too much to bear. After Michael heads to the showers and Stella walks out muttering under her breath, I look back at Josh.
"Do you want to go for a drink?" He asks staring me out again.
I nod and look away, though really I shouldn't be nervous.
The car ride to pub is silent, and we don't speak until we are seated with drinks, in a corner where no one can overhear us. We talk about work for long minutes before he finally looks at me and asks the question that has been waiting to be asked since this morning.
"So why?
"And where do we go from here Gracie?"
I want to look away, but force myself to look at his face.
I smile at him, but I can tell that he is tense and it doesn't help him relax.
My throat feels like it's glued together and that I will never get another word out, but I force the words out.
Because I'm attracted to you Josh. I tried to ignore the feelings, but it was impossible." I stop for a moment to gather my thoughts and he doesn't interrupt, I'm not sure if that's a good sign or not.
"I thought that if I just kissed you and got it over and done with, I would be able to move on" I say, falling silent and taking another sip of my beer.
"Did it help?" He asks
I look up to find his eyes boring into me, and the feeling of his lips on mine, the sweet feeling in my stomach flashed back past my eyes, I open my mouth to lie and say that yes it did help and that I can easily go back to my husband tonight, but the lie dies on my lips and I close my mouth again.
For another minute we are silent, each taking a sip of our beers, before he asks again.
This time I can't speak, but I shake my head. It didn't help, it only made everything worse.
"So what do we do Gracie?" he asks quietly looking at me steadfastly. And the thought hits me then, that if I walk away now, he would let me go, he will respect whatever decision I make. That knowledge makes the decision that little bit harder, even though it really shouldn't. It should make it easier, but it doesn't.
I look out at the crowded bar and see so many happy couples, couples that remind me of Connor and I, how we used to be so happy, still were to an extent. I look back at Josh and see him watching me steadily and again I can't breathe.
"I don't know Josh." I say looking up to him, expecting anger, but there is none, just a concern for me, that pushes me over the edge and I stumble up.
"I need to…" I don't finish the sentence as I rush to the girls bathroom. Splashing water in my face I look at myself in the mirror. What have I done, I have this great relationship with my husband and I go and fall for Josh, not only that I act on the feelings and now I don't know what to do. I stare at my reflection for what seems an eternity before I realise that I am not getting any answers and slowly walk out the door. I'm three steps out of the bathroom, when Josh comes up to me.
"I'll take you home" he says not looking directly at me.
I don't know what to say, so I let him lead me through the pub and to his car. We don't speak on the way home, until he pulls up outside my house.
"I'm sorry Josh" I say looking at him.
"It's okay, I'll see you at work tomorrow" he says nodding at me.
I nod and get out of the car, letting myself in, I can smell food and call out to Connor and he appears in the hall, his face instantly lighting up at seeing me, and I smile back, but the memory of Josh kissing me today fills my head, as the feeling of guilt pools in the pit of my stomach.