Title: So Complicated
Author: SGater926
Email: Dan/Jan UST, romance, angst
Status: Completed
Rating: G
Content warnings: none
Pairings: Daniel & Janet
Season/sequel info: AU Season 7 or later (Heroes didn't happen...you know what I mean)
Spoilers: None
Summary: Daniel hears a song on the radio and starts thinking.
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me...and the song doesn't belong to me either...and I'm not making any money for this. No copyright infringement is intended. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
Feedback: Much appreciated, especially since this is my first Dan/Jan fic ever and my frist ever completed story (sorry for those who are still waiting on my others...I'm trying...really!).
Author's Note: The song "So Complicated" is by Carolyn Dawn Johnson. I saw the lyrics to the song and this story just flowed. I've never actually heard the song so I apologize if the story doesn't fit with the genre.
Copyright (c) SGater926, 20 December 2006.
Daniel flipped on the radio in his lab as he abandoned trying to concentrate on his translation. The strains of music filled his ears and he listened to the words of the song.
I'm so scared that the way I feel,
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room,
I wanna find a hiding place.
'God,' he thought. 'Janet...' He thought back to the other day when he was in the commissary looking over his notes from SG-1's last mission. Janet had walked in and he had caught himself staring at her as she moved through the line. She looked over at him and smiled. He smiled back (though he thought it probably looked more like a grimace) and quickly looked back down at his notes, wishing he could bury himself in them. He could feel his face burning and he hoped that she hadn't seen him looking at her. He felt like the adoration was written all over his face. She was headed straight for him when he heard his name being called over the PA system to report to the General's office. He didn't think he had ever felt so disappointed and so relieved at the same time.
We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.
But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just makes me come unglued.
Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth.
Is it fact or fiction?
Oh the way I feel for you.
It seemed like things had gotten so complicated. He could remember a time when they were such good friends and he didn't feel a hint of awkwardness around her. He could go over to her house and help Cassie with her homework or her with some yard work and it would be no big deal. He would even take his shirt off on the really hot days. Now he didn't dare go over there alone and certainly not partially clothed. Part of him was thankful that Cassie had grown up so much that she really didn't need his help anymore. This past summer, he remembered leaning on the island in her kitchen after coming in from mowing her lawn, wiping the sweat off his brow. He had been spacing out and Janet had put her hand on his in order to get his attention to ask if he wanted something to drink. He felt such an electricity flow through him at that simple contact that he must have looked like a deer in the headlights looking at her smiling face. He declined and excused himself rather quickly. Janet had seemed surprised and maybe a little disappointed, but maybe he was just imagining things.
So complicated, I'm so frustrated.
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it?
Should I tell you how I feel?
Oh, I want you to know.
But then again I don't. It's so complicated.
Daniel wanted to scream. He felt so conflicted. He couldn't remember a time when he had felt so much inner turmoil about a relationship. Usually, if he felt something, he just let things flow. He'd make his feelings pretty clear even if he didn't come right out and say them, and if it happened, it happened and if it didn't, he moved on. He'd never been so nervous just being in the same room as someone. He was terrified he'd make a fool out of himself. If he was truthful, he'd admit that he'd never felt quite this way about anyone before.
Just when I think I'm under control.
I think I finally got a grip.
Another friend tells me that, my name is always on your lips.
They say I'm more than just a friend, they say I must be blind.
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me from the corner of your eye.
Oh, it's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess.
But think of what I'd be losin',
If your answer wasn't yes.
'This song is so appropriate it's scary.' Just a week ago, Sam had been in his office and their conversation had drifted to the diminutive doctor. Sam had asked him why he didn't ask Janet out. He brushed her off saying that he doubted she'd be interested. Sam laughed and asked if he needed a new prescription for his glasses. "Don't you see it, Daniel?" she had asked. "She cares about you just as much as you care about her." He played it off some more until Sam was paged away to her lab. 'Oh, Sam, if you only knew how much I do care about her. I wish she felt the same way. I wish I just knew how she felt.' He had gone to the infirmary later that day for his pre-mission physical and while he was waiting he swore he saw Janet glancing at him when she thought he wasn't looking, but he just attributed it to his imagination and wishful thinking. 'But, if she does...God...I shouldn't let myself think that way...but if she does...I wish she would just say something. Daniel, stop fooling yourself. There's no way she cares as much as you do...' Daniel sighed. 'I wish I could just tell her.' Then a wave of fear hit him. 'What if I screw everything up? I can't lose her friendship, I just can't. But what kind of friendship do you have?' he argued with himself. 'You can't even be around her anymore!' He closed his eyes briefly. 'I'm so screwed!'
So complicated I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.
Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.
He sighed again and shook his head. She was everything a man could ever want. Smart, funny, beautiful, kind, passionate...he could go on and on. What could she possibly see in a guy like him? 'God... I love her.'
Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited.
So long for someone like you
Oh, what do I do.
Oh should I say it.
Should I tell you how I feel?
I want you to know, but then again I don't.
It's so complicated...
'I love her.' Daniel blinked rapidly. 'When did that happen?' It was the first time he had actually admitted that to himself. For a long time he had tried to convince himself that it was just a crush or misdirected admiration. He scoffed at himself. He supposed it happened so gradually that he couldn't actually pinpoint a time. He had admired her for so long as a friend that it didn't seem odd when he started to see her as more. He knew he had fought with himself for a long time...heck, he was still fighting with himself...though now it was more because there was part of him that really wanted to talk to her, but the rest of him was a coward. He took a deep breath. What was he supposed to do now? He sighed and concentrated. His thoughts drifted to their jobs. How many times had they cut it too close? He had already "died" twice. She risked her life plenty too. Just because she wasn't off-world all the time didn't mean she wasn't in danger. She dealt with so many weird situations from people having aliens take over their body to alien viruses that threatened to take over and kill the whole SGC. Suddenly he squared his shoulders. He finally convinced himself that life was too short. He had already lost more people that he loved too soon and often without telling them exactly what they meant to him. He would tell her today. He would march himself into the infirmary and ask her to get some coffee with him. He stood up from his bench and started out the door before he changed his mind again.
He hummed as he waited for the elevator come to a stop. The SF beside him stared at him out of the corner of his eye but Daniel just ignored him. The doors slid open and Daniel's heart rate quickened. He strode down the hall, stepped into the infirmary, and looked around nervously. Janet looked up and smiled brightly when she saw him. He raised his hand in greeting, smiled back at her and took a deep breath. 'Maybe, just maybe, it'll be okay.'
"Janet, can I talk to you?"
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AN: How was it? I was kind of nervous to post it so please let me know...even if you hated it. I've been thinking about posting a sad version of this story but I don't know. I really don't like sad stories but this idea just won't leave me alone. Any opinions would be helpful. Thanks!