Okay, I know I have an unfinished story that I should be updating but I can't seem to finish the next chapter. It will come someday.
Today however I have a story that I wanted to get out in response to the Mac and James story line in 3-4 Guts + Fuel + Hope. Overall I actually like a lot of what they have done with James. I felt that the most recent episode was counter to much of what we'd seen previously. I liked the episode and just wanted to see if I could explain to my satisfaction motivations shown in the ep.
Please enjoy.
I do not own anything. No copyright intended.
Mac sits still as he watches the scene in the diner. Seeing his father just sitting there, so close, yet still so very far away. This is the closest he had come to making the lunch with his father since the lunches were first proposed. Still too angry to walk through the door. Just being here, in his jeep in the parking lot, is making him mad. He doesn't like the anger that is so much a part of him since finding his father. The anger that had only been a partial factor to his act of quitting so many months ago. Back then the hurt had overpowered the smoldering rage.
He'd needed those three months away. Three months to gather his thoughts, his emotions, his sense of self back into something he not only recognized but could look at in the mirror. He regrets cutting everyone out of his life. He hates how much he hurt them, and he wishes he hadn't been so selfish that he didn't try to mitigate the damage. He knew, when he didn't respond to Jack's last video message that he was being cruel. But by then the anger had grown and he felt he doesn't deserve the understanding Jack is giving. So, he hurt him more, to spare himself, which is probably a factor in Jack's rather convoluted and dangerous decision to capture Walsh so that James MacGyver can be removed from the picture.
Jack hasn't said much about James since Mac was reinstated at the Phoenix. Mac is actually too scared to find out Jack's thoughts on the matter. He might as well at least be honest with himself in the privacy of his own thoughts; he is afraid of finally driving Jack away for good. He still remembers Paris, Jack walking away because of his careless words. One of these days he is going to make the one unforgivable mistake and Jack would leave. Like everyone else always does. Therefore he doesn't talk about James with Jack, lets the concerns be buried in their banter and missions. This way he can't commit the final mistake and lose pretty much the only person who has never left him.
James does not need Mac to make that mistake. That was proven when he walked away all those years ago. His only mistake back then was that he looked too much like his mother and his very presence made his father angry. He still isn't sure how to move past that. However much his father may insist it was for his protection the fact remains that he couldn't stand the sight of his own son. The question now is when will it become too much this time. How long before James puts himself first, saying it is for the best, and leaves again. This time never to return.
Okay, that is not really fair. Mac concedes silently. James won't leave the Phoenix.
He runs one hand through his hair. Allowing his frustration to manifest as he huffs at his resistance. He wonders if Bozer and Riley's insistence that he at least make the attempt to forgive his father is partially retribution for his disappearance earlier. He doesn't really believe that to be true, though the thought has crossed his mind.
He considers once again asking Matty for advice. After all she risked just to give Mac the chance to find his father he knows she will be as honest as she can. He knows also that it isn't something he is going to follow through with. She has put herself out there enough. He won't ask anymore from her. It amazes him sometimes how much he trusts her now. Once he had realized who had sent him the breadcrumbs and why, he knew without doubt that she would back him without hesitation. He won't demand more, and he will be grateful for the space she gives him, the understanding he doesn't feel he deserves.
He sees the waitress bring his father his coffee. Watches as his father glances back at the clock, noting the time and the empty seat across from him. He thinks back to all the times in the past weeks that Bozer has pushed him to go. All the questions from his childhood friend that don't have satisfactory answers. He knows Boze is trying to be helpful, even supporting. All it ends up doing is making him even more reluctant to attend these weekly meetings. The biggest problem is that his friend doesn't get why this is such a big deal. To him it is just lunch. A chance to reconnect to the man he spent over a year actively searching for and 18 years alternately hoping for and against his return.
Even more perplexing is Riley. Considering everything with her father, and even Jack, he always figured that she would recognize his problem. Her words in Georgia, however heartfelt and honest they were, proved that she didn't understand either. He gets that she is half expecting Elwood to leave, to revert to his old behavior, and is mostly prepared for the hurt that would cause if he does. He even gets the points she was trying to make.
Maybe there is an element of petty revenge in making his father wait. Maybe it is true that his father isn't a bad man just because he put everyone and everything else before his son. Maybe it is even true that it doesn't matter if James really has committed to not leaving again. The difference between Elwood and James, the issue that keeps Mac from walking in that diner is the choice Elwood made that James still hasn't.
Elwood came to Riley. He asked for a chance to reconnect. Even if it falls through in the end the fact that he is the one that came back matters.
James never came back.
No one, except Matty probably, seems to understand that that is the problem. Well, Jack most likely sees the issue but Mac is not about to try and confirm. Sure, now that Mac knows where he is an effort is being made to be a part of Mac's life, but would James even be trying if Matty hadn't set the stage.
Mac doesn't know the answer. Isn't sure he ever will. So no, he doesn't want to go into that diner and make small talk with someone who still hasn't admitted that he was wrong. Oh, James admitted that maybe he didn't do it right back in that homemade lab in Mexico. Mac will give him that one. James stopped short of saying he might have done it wrong though. Mac isn't sure if the implication was even there.
He is getting tired of fending off Bozer's more and more pointed questions and nudges to just go already. The revelation of how much of his life was nudged by his father is still a very sore subject and he can only hope that there is less of that from his father, and everyone else for that matter. Now that Riley has joined the get-Mac-to-meet-his-father campaign he is not sure he can deal with the judgement. He resents how he is starting to feel like the bad guy here. How his father is coming up roses despite the facts.
He's pretty sure that the waitress is sympathetic to his father's plight. How she must feel bad for this nice man that is clearly waiting on someone. His knuckles go white as he grips the steering wheel at the thought of whatever the waitress may think of the anonymous absent patron. After several deep breaths he manages to let the red-hot rage fade. All right, enough. Clearly he won't be left alone about this and he can't deal with the nagging much longer. He sighs as he realizes that he shares at least one thing aside from his improvisations with his father. He runs from his problems as well.
He'll go in there and stop making his father wait. He'll make small talk and give James a chance to figure somethings out first. Then he'll say what he's been holding in for months. After that, well the ball will be in his father's court.
He manages to get through the first part of the meal. He takes the offered fries and orders his own meal and he waits. His father doesn't notice that his laughter is forced. Doesn't see that his hands shake ever so slightly at how absolutely oblivious James is in regards to so much of his son's life. Mac wishes Jack was here. Jack notices these things. Jack helps stop them.
Jack isn't here however and as the meal winds down, Mac realizes that the moment is now or never. He takes a steadying breath and interrupts James.
"Dad. I need to tell you something." Mac gets out, eyes mostly on his empty coffee cup.
"Of course, son. What is it?"
"This isn't going to be easy so please wait until I'm done." He manages to look at James this time. Manages not to erupt at the casual use of son coming from James. He wills his gaze to remain up and on his father. He needs to see how James reacts.
"I understand. Go on." James says, curious but not worried. Mac breathes deep and begins.
"I'll keep coming to these lunches. I'll continue working for Phoenix. I'll be what you need. Because I know now that one of the things I need, I may never get, but I have to try. I need something from you, that I don't know you are capable of giving. I need answers that I'm not sure you have." Mac pauses, a look stops James from interrupting. His father is finally starting to looking concerned. Almost like when he realized Mac was really quitting.
"If you need help, I'll be there. I will do everything I can to assist in whatever happens. And the reason is that eventually I may actually get an answer to the question I asked when I was ten. I may finally be given the resolution I still haven't found even though I have found you. I'm angry dad. I'm hurt and confused. But I will wait. I will hope that you'll figure it out one day and be what I need." Mac stops. He could keep going, only he knows it won't help. He can't bring himself to ask his father if he would have ever come back on his own. That is one question James has to figure out without help.
"I'll see you next week." He finishes. Pulls out a few bills and drops them on the table. Then he turns and leaves. James watches him go, but Mac doesn't look back.