Title: How Castiel, and Guitar Hero, Saved the World
Author: Dire Banshee
Characters: Bobby, Crowley, Dean, Sam, Castiel, Lucifer
Rating: PG
Genre: Complete and total crack, I
Warnings: some rough language (two guesses who by and the first one doesn't count)
Disclaimer: Yes, I, Eric Kripke, have nothing better to do with my time than write fanfic of my own show and post it on the internet. Pfft, I wish. Not mine, never will be.
Author's Note: So, I had planned on getting this done before Cas came back in 5x21 but, like usual, the muse stalled in the middle and refused to finish it. I think she has an issue with deadlines :( She also snuck a bit of implied Aziraphale/Good Omens in there on me, the cheeky thing.
The end of the Apocalypse came on a rainy South Dakota Thursday. After a truly nauseating battle with the Horseman Pestilence, Sam and Dean had regrouped back at Bobby's to help in pinpointing Death's location. The older hunter had just drawn a large red circle around Detroit when there was a knock at the front door. Dean went to answer it with the Colt in his hand while Sam hovered behind him, Ruby's knife at the ready
"Yeah?" Dean demanded through the wood.
"It's Crowley," came the terse reply. "I've got news."
After a silent conversation, Sam tucked the knife away as Dean opened the door. Before they could register what they were seeing, both hunters found themselves flying, backwards, into the nearest wall as Lucifer brushed past the demon and into the house.
"Hello, Sam," the Devil greeted the younger Winchester.
"Go to Hell!" Sam snarled.
Lucifer ignored him, glancing back over his shoulder to address the demon in the doorway.
"Come inside," he commanded, making Crowley flinch. "And shut the door."
"You son of a bitch," Dean growled as Crowley closed the door behind himself and pressed back against it, trying to disappear. "I should've known better than to trust you!"
"Now Dean," Lucifer chided softly. "It's really not his fault."
He placed a hand on Crowley's shoulder. The demon flinched.
"He's not the only one with resources."
"I'm not saying 'yes'," Sam declared.
Lucifer smiled.
"I didn't think you would."
"Then why are you here?"
Lucifer spared a glance toward where Bobby was still seated behind his desk and shook his head.
"You know that gun won't work on me," he informed the hunter and Bobby clenched his teeth, tightening his hand on the butt of the gun he kept under the desk anyway before placing it in plain view on the cluttered desktop. Lucifer held his gaze for several moments before, seemingly satisfied, turning back to the pinned Winchesters.
"I know you have the rings. Well, most of them and I am truly impressed. There aren't many who can take on the Horsemen and live to tell about it, but even you two can't kill Death."
"We can try," Dean said.
"And you can die," the Devil replied.
"Oh, relax," he continued when both men tensed. "That wasn't a threat, just a fact. If you try to take on Death you'll die and you'll stay dead… which is very inconvenient for me."
"And we'd just hate to inconvenience you," Dean snarked.
"So," Lucifer continued, ignoring Dean. "It's in my best interests to put an end to this quest of yours as soon as possible."
"And how are you planning on doing that?" Sam asked, visions of Dean and Bobby being ripped to pieces while Sam was held immobile flashed through his mind and his blood ran cold, his mind racing to find a way out, but it suddenly screeched to a halt as Lucifer held up a small, plastic guitar with five multi-colored buttons on the neck instead of the usual strings. The Devil smiled.
"A fiddle of gold against your soul says I'm better than you."
There was silence for several heartbeats until Dean blinked and said, "Dude. Is that Guitar Hero?"
Lucifer looked at the plastic controller in his hand and nodded.
"Yes. Meg is quite fond of it."
The boys blinked at him.
"So," Dean began, almost having to force out the words. "You wanna… play Guitar Hero… for the fate of the world?"
Lucifer nodded.
"It seemed like the easiest way."
"So, what?" Sam asked. "We win you just – go back to Hell?"
"And if I win, you say 'yes'."
They were all silent as Dean looked at Sam who shrugged, Dean frowned and Sam made a bitchface, Dean sighed and Sam said, "Fine."
"You've gotta be kiddin' me," Bobby declared.
"We're all doomed," Crowley muttered.
Crowley downed his third scotch of the hour as Sam gave his brother a crash course on the bloody video game they'd agreed to decide the fate of the world with. What followed went a little like this:
Sam: It's easy, Dean. You just push the same color button as what's on the screen.
(discordant guitar noise)
Sam: You gotta push the strum bar at the same time.
Dean: Dude, I know! I'm not an idiot!
Sam: I didn't say you were.
(discordant guitar noise)
Sam: When the button comes to the line.
(Dean growls - discordant guitar noise)
Sam: Here, let me…
Dean: Dude, I got it!
(sounds of a scuffle - triumphant sound from Sam)
Sam: Here.
(an actual discernable tune)
Dean: All right, all right. Gimme that. Bitch.
Sam: Jerk.
(a few stumbles then a reasonable tune)
Dean: The hell is Star Power?
Sam: You get more points. Tip the neck up. Up! Like…
(sound of a slap)
Dean: Man, back off!
The demon sighed and finished his scotch, reaching across Bobby's desk for a refill.
" 'S been nice knowing ya," he said.
Bobby grunted before holding out his own glass for a refill.
Dean's battle with Lucifer was done on Easy Mode, which Lucifer conceded was only fair. Dean didn't really see it that way, seeing as how this would be his first time playing while the Devil had had who knew how many months to perfect this stupid game, but whatever, he wasn't gonna whine about it like a bitch. That was Sam's job.
Lucifer had apparently used whatever mojo he possessed to create his own disk, which was appropriately themed. The very first song was 'Sympathy for the Devil' by Guns and Roses and Dean rolled his eyes as Lucifer explained the scoring process.
"We'll play three songs to build up points and then battle each other; whoever runs out of points first loses." He turned to the eldest Winchester. "Are you ready, Dean?"
Dean nodded, eyes fixed on the screen as he flexed his fingers around the neck of the tiny-ass guitar hanging from his neck. Lucifer pressed start and the battle for Humanity began.
It wasn't that hard of a song but the fingering did get a little fast in places, screeches and various other noises blaring from the speakers as Dean struggled to get back on track. By the end, Lucifer had a perfect score, and 100 points, while Dean had only managed 49 but he felt like he was getting the hang of it.
"Would you like a break?" Lucifer asked as their points were displayed and Dean shook his head.
"I'm good," he said.
"Very well," Lucifer replied and brought up the next song. 'Shout at the Devil' by Motley Crue.
Dean did a little better on that one and actually made it to 75 points on Robert Johnson's 'Hellhound on My Trail', though he spent a good five minutes glaring at Lucifer for that one. Then came the battle song, Dean's 175 points against Lucifer's 300. Sam watched anxiously from Bobby's sofa as his brother rolled his neck to loosen up his shoulders and shook the creeping numbness out of his hands. Lucifer just folded his arms on his guitar and waited.
"Whenever you're ready," he prompted.
"Screw you," Dean snarled and gripped the controller. "Let's go."
AC/DC's 'Highway to Hell' was the chosen battle song and Dean smiled, this was the song he and Sam had practiced on. The Devil was going down!
The song started out the regular way but when they got to the first chorus the little multi-colored spots turned to little multi-colored, what looked like buzz-saws, five or six in a row, with a little icon over the last in line. Dean's fingers tripped on the third note and the buzz-saws disappeared, replaced with the regular notes again. Lucifer hit all of his, then tipped the neck of his guitar up; a bolt of lightening shot to Dean's side of the screen, the words 'Lefty-flip' appearing over his board, and the colors switched around.
"What the fuck?" he voiced and struggled to hit at least some of the notes but his brain and hand refused to communicate, blips and other obnoxious noises cascaded out of the speakers. The notes eventually righted themselves but he'd lost points for every missed note and Lucifer was still going strong sending broken strings, amp overloads, harder levels, and more lefty-flips Dean's way until the hunter's points ran out, a bright 'You Lose' dropping down on his side of the screen just to rub it in.
Dean resisted the urge to swing the plastic controller at the Devil's smug face, instead thrusting it angrily at Sam while glaring at Lucifer. Sam gingerly took the small guitar that was absolutely dwarfed by his massive frame, and fiddled with the strap until it hung to his satisfaction. Ignoring the smirking fallen archangel, Sam set the game to Hard and chose the first song.
'Devil with the Blue Dress' by Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels came on and Dean smirked as Lucifer frowned. He apparently hadn't known that particular song was on his Guitar Hero Disk of Doom but played it just as well as he'd played all the others. Sam played quite well, also, earning himself 98 points and an appraising look from Lucifer. The Devil picked the next selection, 'Running with the Devil' by Van Halen. Sam did slightly worse on that one, 80 points which was still better than what Dean had managed, and picked out the last point gathering song; 'Run Devil Run' by Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins. Dean had never heard that one but Sam held his own on it as well. When the scores were tallied before the big battle, Sam was only 75 points behind Lucifer and looked appropriately smug about it.
The battle song was 'Devil's Dance' by Metallica and Dean had to give Sam credit, he held his own against Lucifer's attacks and managed to send out a few of his own and, near the end of the song, he and the Devil were tied. Dean was on the edge of his seat as the last few chords finished up, and, when Sam managed to beat his opponent by one point, Dean punched the air, letting out a triumphant 'yes!' as Lucifer studied the screen.
"Very good, Sam," he said and the youngest Winchester nodded, his face relaxing out of the intense expression it'd been screwed into as he finally started breathing again. He couldn't believe he'd pulled that off.
"So, it seems we're tied," Lucifer stated as Sam pulled the controller over his head and dropped down beside his brother. "Which one of you will take me on, one last time?"
"I think that I would like to try," came a voice from the doorway and they all turned. Castiel stood there like he'd never left, like he hadn't been missing for the better part of a month after banishing five angels plus himself to parts unknown. He looked the same as ever, hair and clothes mussed and wrinkled, like he'd just stepped out of a closet at a make-out party, and calmly surveyed the Battle for the Fate of Humanity taking place in Bobby's living room.
"Cas?" Dean asked and the angel looked at him. Fixed in that unblinking stare, that he absolutely had not missed, Dean cleared his throat and scowled. "Where the hell have you been? Sam's been worried sick!"
Sam bitchfaced at his brother and rolled his eyes.
"I did not mean to upset you… Sam," Castiel said, a small smirk curving his lips, "But I was forced to rest where I had landed and regain my strength. It took longer than I had anticipated."
"You've come to challenge me, little brother?" Lucifer asked and it was clear from his tone that he thought he had it in the bag. Castiel turned his piercing blue stare on the Devil and nodded.
"I have."
"Cas," Sam asked, "Are you sure?"
The angel nodded and reached for the guitar in Sam's hand.
"I am."
Sam reluctantly handed over the controller and shifted into a better viewing spot as the two angels prepared to battle… on Guitar Hero.
Sam couldn't swallow the dismayed sound that crawled out of his throat as Castiel set the skill level to Expert and chose the first song as Crowley and Bobby joined the two Winchester's on and by the sofa.
The first song was some heavy metal number by Iron Maiden called 'Number of the Beast' and Castiel proceeded to astound them all as his fingers flew over the keys, hitting the double and triple notes with deadly accuracy, wiggling the whammy bar to build up points and tilting the neck up like a rock star to activate his Star Power. The song ended in a tie with 100 points for each of the angels. Lucifer seemed to be re-evaluating his little brother as said brother chose the next song. It was another Robert Johnson song, 'Cross Road Blues' this time and, once again, Castiel tied with Lucifer with a perfect score.
Their third song was called 'Angels and Devils' by Echo and the Bunnymen, another song/band Dean had never heard of, but Cas pulled that one off too with another perfect score. The Devil was looking a little worried by this point and Dean couldn't fault him, not that he'd ever admit that out loud. Castiel and his older brother faced off over the final song, a rocked-up version of the Charlie Daniel's Band 'Devil Went Down to Georgia'.
This one took a little longer to get to the buzz-saws but when it did Lucifer nailed all of his and started sending attacks to Castiel's side of the screen. Cas accepted them calmly, building up a cache of his own attacks and, when Lucifer had a long string of complicated notes, he rapidly tilted the neck of his guitar up again and again, sending attack after attack to Lucifer's side of the screen giving him impossible combo's of leveled-up lefty-flips and broken strings coupled with amp overloads. Lucifer didn't hit a single note for nearly a minute, his points rapidly draining as he struggled to get back on track. Cas didn't let up though, sending one last deadly combo to the Devil's screen he calmly played out the ending notes of the song as a cartoony skull descended over Lucifer's side.
The on-screen crowd exploded into cheers as a big red, 'You Lose' flashed over Lucifer's on-screen guitar track and the Devil stood, speechless, before a blinding flash of light filled Bobby's living room. When it cleared and they were all blinking spots out of their vision, it was to find Lucifer on the ground in a heap, the sores that had covered his face healed, with Castiel kneeling beside him. The Devil opened his eyes and blinked dazedly around the room, except, that wasn't right.
"You have nothing to fear here, Nick," Castiel told the Devil's vessel. "This is a safe place."
Then he brushed two fingers to the man's forehead and he slumped, unconscious, back to the carpet.
"I can't believe that actually worked," Crowley spoke into the ensuing silence. "Well done, angel."
Castiel nodded as the demon stood.
"Where do ya think yer goin'?" Bobby slurred, squinting at the demon.
"The world's saved, mate," he replied. "I've got some celebrating to do, and an old friend to do it with. But before I go," he leaned over the wheelchair-bound man and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. "One soul, as promised."
As Bobby spluttered and Dean demanded brain bleach, Crowley sauntered to the door, but turned, his hand on the knob.
"One more thing, you've got your legs back, free of charge," he grinned. "It's been a long time since someone's kissed me like you did." He winked at the gaping hunter. "Be seeing you."
Then he stepped out of the door and disappeared.
"Where were you, anyway?" Dean asked later, after Bobby had gone to bed and Sam had passed out on the couch, their 'The World Didn't End, Let's Celebrate' party taking a toll on the two. Nick was still passed out in Bobby's guest room, healing from the damage being Lucifer's vessel had inflicted on his body. His mind, Castiel said, would take a little longer to mend.
"After evading my brothers," the angel replied, "I sent myself to the nearest safe place."
"Which was?" the hunter prompted.
"St. Mary's School for Girls," Castiel said. "I apparently appeared on the altar during their evening mass. Several of the girls and teachers were able to observe my true form and they took me in, cared for me until I was able to rejoin you and Sam."
Dean blinked at the angel, dumbfounded.
"You mean to tell me that you spent the last month surrounded by dozens of Catholic School girls that probably hadn't seen a boy in over a year?"
Castiel blushed at the images he saw in Dean's head and said, "Many of them were children, Dean."
Dean shrugged.
"Well, yeah, but there had to be a few of the 18 and over variety," he pressed and Cas relented.
"Yes, five in the graduating class."
Dean grinned.
"I knew it," he said happily, then smirked at the angel. "So?"
Castiel frowned.
"So," he repeated. Dean rolled his eyes.
"Did any of them wanna get closer to Heaven?" he asked with a waggle of his eyebrows.
"No," the angel replied quickly. "At least, not in the manner you are suggesting."
His frown tried for Angel of Judgment but the blush ruined the tone he was aiming for and Dean remained unrepentant.
"Mostly," Castiel continued, "We just played Guitar Hero."
Disclaimer continued: Guitar Hero's not mine either, though I do own most of the games :)
Also, I couldn't think of twelve Devil related songs so credit for that goes to Earvolution's Top Twenty Devil Songs list