Starting Over

This is my alternative version of the end of Wednesday's episode! Dedicated to my friend Sarah who stupidly missed the episode! Hope this makes up for it! Happy Xmas!(20/12/06)

Jo sat with her back against the wall, both figuratively and literally. She'd tried her hardest to protect Seth not just right now but over the last few months. And now this was it, this could be the end. As she sat facing down the end of a barrel she wondered how there was any way she could get them out of this, how she could stop Seth from being shot right in front of her. And in that instant it dawned on her that this could be the end of the line for them both. That unless Jack, Terry or Sam found her in time she would be shot dead right along with Seth. For the first time she panicked, felt the terror of facing death. Her heart threatened to beat right out of her chest, she felt dizzy, she felt scared. But mostly she felt alone. That she would die alone in this bare, stone room with no family or friends or a significant other to hold her hand at the end. She wanted to cry, something she hadn't done since breaking up with Tess. She's promised herself she wouldn't cry another tear over that relationship and wondered if right at the end, on the brink of death there was anything she wished she could say to Tess right now. When she realized there wasn't she felt the overwhelming loneliness tug on her stomach again. She felt empty, there was no one special person to share her last thoughts with, no woman to consume her mind and make her last moments less terrifying. She tried to remain calm and talk the gunman round, but she felt she was fighting a losing battle. Her only hope was for Sam to find her…

And just like that she realized she had someone special with her in the room. Sam would be searching frantically, no doubt making someone's life hell. She wouldn't give up until she found her and right at that moment that thought was all the comfort Jo had to cling onto…

"Go now Danny, go while you can!" Jo said as calmly as she could say words that were a plea for her life. As Castle walked to the doorway Jo felt a small wave of relief. But no sooner had the wave if relief washed over her; it was replaced by a new wave of dread. Castle was walking back towards them, gun pointing. He would only walk back for one thing. The gun went off. Seth had been shot. Jo stared at the gun, her throat was dry, and she was gasping for air. This really was it…

"Castle!" Jack shouted from the doorway. As the assailant looked away Sam jumped him from behind, wrestling him and the gun to the ground. Terry and Jack cuffed his hands behind his back. Jo immediately turned to Seth to check for a pulse. Her shoulders slumped; there was nothing-no signs of life. Sam touched Jo's shoulders from behind. Jo stood up and Sam pulled her into a hug.

"It's alright" she soothed, holding her close. Jo rested her head on Sam's shoulder. She felt the warmth of Sam's body pressing against her in the cold room. She felt so many emotions right at this moment in time that they all melded into one, rendering her slightly numb. Tears stung her eyes then rolled down her cheeks before disappearing for ever into the dark material of Sam's jacket.

Outside in the graveyard Jo leaned against the wall, trying to take everything in.

"This isn't the way it's meant to end up is it?" Jo said to Jack. "I was meant to be giving Seth his life back and I've failed and months of work go down the tube." Jack patted Jo on the shoulder as the familiar sting of tears once again threatened her eyes.

"You nicked a major gun dealer, stopped a huge shipment of ammo. I reckon we've a lot to be pleased about." Jack placated.

"Yea two men are dead Gov." Jo said, not feeling impressed with herself at all.

"That's not your fault" he replied, well aware of the guilt she would be unnecessarily placing on herself.

"I lead them to him. Seth trusted me."

"You played it right by him all the way. But he killed somebody and you had to try and bring him in. No if all this means you're not going back to Nottingham, my offer of a job still stands."

"Really?" Jo said, the question loaded with self doubt. This experience had shattered her, her usual self confidence was a long way away.

"Don't beat yourself up, that's the easy way." Jack said, putting his arm round Jo's shoulders. He had been in this place himself before and truly felt bad for her. "You have to live with what you do and what you don't do in this job. If something goes wrong, but your reasoning was sound, that's what you hold onto. You've got integrity Jo and that counts for a lot. So, you gonna come back and work with me then or what? It's good to be around people you know at times like these."

Jo looked back at him, blood spattered cheeks and tear filled eyes. "Thank-you…Gov."

Jo looked down at the floor and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"He's right you know" Sam said, creeping up behind Jo.

Jo smiled. "How long 'av you been listening in eh?"

"Oh you know. They always go on about a copper's nose but when do they mention a detectives ears?"

Jo managed a small laugh. Then she turned to Sam. "Thank-you…for saving my life."

"Don't mention it" Sam said touching Jo's arm and letting her hand slid down to touch Jo's. "You'd do the same for me."

"Yes I would." Jo replied, holding onto Sam's fingers for a couple of seconds feeling the need for contact.

"Come on. Let me give you a lift home."

"I 'aven't got home to go to" Jo laughed. Although it wasn't funny, in fact it was even more depressing.

"Well I have." Sam replied matter of factly and started steering Jo in the direction of her car.

"Eh? Oh no Sam it's fine. Really I'll go find a hotel." Jo said, feeling awkward at the idea of going home with Sam.

"And do what exactly?"

"Oh you know, drown my sorrows! The usual, get drunk and wonder how exactly you ended up at this point in your life." Jo smiled.

"Well you can do that at mine, in fact I'll join you. Perhaps we'll find some answers together in the bottom of my whiskey bottle."

Jo laughed a little again. How had Sam changed so much from someone who could infuriate her with just a few words into someone who could make her smile with just a few words? "I'm just not myself Sam. You know, I'm not the Jo you know. Things have changed since I've been in Nottingham. I don't know how much I want you to see me like this."

"You mean you're not feeling the usual cheer one feels after being held at gunpoint or seeing someone they cared about killed? Or perhaps the joy that comes with being alone undercover in another city for nearly a year is what you're feeling? Or maybe you're not celebrating breaking up with somebody you were with for a long time that you cared about? Am I doing a good job here Jo? You know, using humour and sarcasm to hide from people how I really feel?" Sam smiled, raising her eyebrow and waiting for a response.

"No, you're sense of humour's lousy!" Jo grinned.

"And there we have it!" Sam teased.

"Go on then; you obviously do know me well enough so lets do it!"

They drove back to Sam's house in silence. Jo watched the world go by outside of the window. She thought about Seth's funeral and decided if none of his family were interested she would sort something out herself-it was the least she could do for him. Then, she would say goodbye and start over. Wipe the slate clean. She then remembered that drawing a line under an awful case and wiping the slate clean was something Sam had told her before. Then she took her down the pub and helped her get slightly inebriated. And she thought over other times that Sam had come through for her, like when she was working on the Cath Wilson case. In fact right back on her first case in the hospital siege Sam had been there for her, offering her support and friendship.

They arrived at Sam's house, the car engine cutting out breaking Jo's reverie. As she got out the car she noticed her reflection in the window. She realized she looked worse than she felt. "Do you mind if I nick your shower?"

"Why what's it done wrong?" Sam asked grinning to herself. Jo just raised her eyebrow. "Course you can. I'll get you some towels and stuff. Just help yourself to anything you need."

"Thanks" Jo smiled. There she was again, understanding and caring. Jo contemplated Sam as she stood under the hot shower hoping to wash away the day. There were times she had wondered if there was anything more between her and Sam happening under the surface. They had certainly had moments…but Jo was with Tess so she hadn't really thought about it much. Until now…

She wrapped herself up in the dressing gown that Sam had left out for her and made her way downstairs. She saw sitting on the table a bottle of Jack Daniels and two glasses. "Feel any better?" Sam asked as she sat down with Jo on the sofa.

"Yea a little." Jo smiled. Sam really felt for Jo, she knew what it was like to not be able to save someone and also not so long ago she had had a gun at her head. She hated seeing the sparkle gone out of Jo's eyes, but she was certain of it coming back. And she would be there to help put it back, if Jo will let her. She poured her a large measure of the warm brown nectar and handed it to her. "There you go. Knock it straight back, should sort you out!" Jo took the glass off her and did indeed gulp the whiskey down in one go. Sam joined her and then poured another two glasses.

"So, you know all about my sorry state. How's things been for you since I've been away?" Jo asked.

"Frighteningly similar actually. Except there were one or two cock-ups all of my own which would never happen to you!" Sam replied. Jo noticed Sam shifting uncomfortably in her seat and wondered what had happened to her. "I was undercover in Romania with Phil, some stuff went wrong, we ended up with guns pointing at our heads, execution style…and well obviously it all turned out alright coz I'm here!"

"How did you deal with it all? I mean coming so close to death?" Jo asked.

"Badly. I slept with Phil." Sam looked embarrassed, but Jo laughed.

"Don't think I'll try that!" she finished off the rest of her drink as Sam swallowed down hers and poured them some more.

"And Phil was probably a rebound thing. He was there and he was caring and after the miscarriage…"

"You got pregnant? And lost a baby? Oh I'm sorry Sam. It's awful. And poor Phil…"

"Well it wasn't Phil's…" Sam continued taking a huge sip of her drink. "It was Stuart's."

"You mean DS Smarmy pants?"

"Yes!" Sam laughed, trying not to be offended at Jo making plain her obvious lack of judgment. "So he treated me like an idiot, then I lost the baby, then went to Romania and nearly died and then momentarily contemplated a relationship with Phil."

"And how do you feel about it all now?" Jo asked.

"Like I had a lucky escape in all three situations. I dunno. The being shot at thing you get over pretty quick. It's not the first time and probably won't be the last."

"So how's things then, generally?"

"Fine, I'm fine. Except I just feel sorry for myself being 40 and single sometimes!"

"I'll drink to that!" Jo laughed. "I sometimes ponder over the opportunities that may have passed me by because I was in a committed relationship. You know job opportunities…other women…then it's over and it's all been for what?"

Sam nodded her agreement. "At least you know who you are and what you want though Jo."

"You'll find the right bloke Sam."

"I keep convincing myself of that but every time I'm wrong. You know from child murderers to criminals to bent cops and various other just wrong for me relationships…well I'm just not convinced I'm meant to be with a man." Sam looked into Jo's eyes, holding her stare.

"I'm sorry" Jo frowned. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"Nothing" Sam said. "It's not the right time."

"No really, take me mind of me problems!" Jo tried to keep the banter light hearted, but her heart was racing. Was this going to be another of their 'moments'?

"Jo you are vulnerable, you're low…I don't want to confuse you even more."

"I'm not confused Sam, but you sound like you are…"

"No, I'm not. For the first time in a long time everything is clear."

"Then tell me about it. You are the one who dragged me here, plied me with alcohol…"

"Oh great!" Sam interrupted. "When you put it like that you make it sound like I'm trying to take advantage of you!"

"Well, you're not trying very hard…" Jo felt a mad moment of bravery that she was sure she could joke her way out of if it all went wrong. Sam leaned towards her, and slowly and softly she kissed her. She stroked Jo's damp hair with her hands and then cupped her face. Jo rested her hands on Sam's thighs, leaning in closer towards her. Sam's hand slid down Jo's neck between the lapels of the dressing gown and found its way inside. Both women gasped and felt their bodies responding, the electricity surging between them just like the first time they had met and their hands accidentally touched.

"I really don't want to take advantage of you…" Sam whispered.

"I want you Sam. I don't have to deny it anymore…" Jo kissed Sam more urgently.

"Me neither" Sam gasped.

"Then take me upstairs" Jo smiled.

Sam smiled, took Jo's hand and she lead the way.