Disclaimer: I do not own Saiunkoku Monogatari, nor any of the following characters.
Author's Note: This is AU. It is based on the first series so there will be spoilers for it. The 2nd series will not be referred to.
Prism
" I will wait..." He says in that dreadfully serious voice that always makes him sound decades older than he is.
"Even though it may never happen?" She asks calmly.
"Even so...unto eternity."
It is not so much a dislike of him personally, rather, it is a dislike of control, of weakness. In the cold nights of winter she curls under her quilt and thinks of all the reasons why she could not, why she ought not, why she cannot. She has done herself no favour as a woman: she holds a man's office, lives a man's life for all her heart stays female.
She cannot stand it sometimes – it chokes her, drowns her, bites at her with poisoned fangs – but she cannot allow such a union. She cannot.
In the dark of the night she tries to soothe her heart by vowing again her loyalty to the emperor: she will stay by his side, support him as an official, help him become the best emperor for his people, and that will be enough.
Tears keep falling.
He has always hated the dark – the cold, sickening feeling of being unable to see – it is further strengthened by the myriad memories, all nightmare-like in their undeniable reality, which overflow with every shadow that crosses him.
He cannot stand it.
Shuurei made it bearable. His beloved Shuurei with whom he had no need for pretense...
The thought twists into two thousands of strings of memories all involving her.
His heart is heavy.
During the day he tends his tasks dutifully, energetically, carefully, as he knows Shuurei would have wanted him to, but his heart remains heavy throughout.
At night, there is nothing to distract him from his thoughts of her.
Empty tears trail down his face.
Shuurei!
It is not for lack of suitors that she does not marry. She is not suited for a wife, she thinks. Her temperament is most unbecoming of a proper lady, and she enjoys her work as an official. She has a duty and marriage can only interfere with it. Her heart screams at her with each passing day but she brushes it off as the wild musings of a maiden. She has no time for such dreams.
She spends every day occupying herself with tasks relevant to one in her position: she is making a difference! She is making Saiunoku a better country for its people! She is bringing about change! There is no reason at all why she should feel anything other than pride and contentedness.
She doesn't.
Nights coming and going see her lose a little bit of herself.
She is getting wiser now, she thinks, no longer amazed by different posts or people of eminence. She has a duty, she keeps to it. She is content. That is her mantra. She refuses to acknowledge the nightmares that plague her nights; the dreams of a youth with shocking red locks and hypnotic green eyes dying before her even while he is begging her to live.
What would Sakujun think?
He would say she was working too hard, no doubt; that she should slow down, play the ehru, relax...make him kanrou tea.
Oh gods! Was she ever going to forgive herself for her impetuousness? For her inane pride?
Dead men beckon to her in dreams, pleading and yelling at the same time. She remains deaf.
Her fate is decided.
Seiran has always been there for her. She depends on him. She knows it. She trusts him wholly and believes him to be infallible. He isn't.
She has forgotten the time before she's met him; sometimes she thinks there couldn't have been such a time.
His calm eyes watch over her no matter where she is, and she cannot help but feel grateful.
It starts ever so slowly, catches her ever so unaware and leaves her gasping for breath and reason when her whole world shatters.
"Marry me."
She most certainly has not seen this coming, but upon quick reflection she realizes that, to her great shame, she has lead him to believe she cared for him as a woman does for a man. The cold reality hurts her as much as it must him.
"I can't."
Her voice is much calmer than she expects. She knows he won't press her, but she can tell he has been wounded. It hurts beyond belief.
"Seiran...I..."
"Do not worry yourself, my lady. It was presumptuous of me."
"No...that's not...I mean...Seiran...I very much treasure you...I love you."
She curses herself for being so incredibly slow in understanding her own emotions.
"Then...?"
She is just as confused as he is.
"Do you fear I shall interfere with your duties? That I shall impose 'proper wife' behaviour upon you? Do you fear I do not love you, lady Shuurei?"
This is wrong! This is so wrong! She doesn't want to hear that from him. In that moment it shocks her how much he sounds like Ryuuki: that same deep sincerity that makes her heart ache unbearably.
"I pledged my life to honouring and protecting you...and somehow I have pledged my heart in earnest...my lady..."
"Seiran."
She doesn't know what to say. His eyes are fixed on her and she's never seen them burn quite so brightly before. They are beautiful. She wonders how she has never noticed. The more she looks she sees her childhood companion, her protector, her best friend, all before her and suddenly she knows what must be said:
"I love you very much Seiran, but I cannot accept your proposal. That you have given me your protection and your care all these years I am most grateful, and I am sincerely flattered by your emotions regarding me, but I am not in love with you. I regard you as family, as a brother, if you will...but I do not love you the way you deserve to be loved, and for that, Seiran I can't but apologise."
It is the first time in her life when she knows exactly her emotions regarding a man; it is strange but refreshing.
"My lady..."
She gasps softly. She has never seen Seiran cry before.
"Thank you, my lady...rest assured that this shall not be discussed between us again. I accept and respect your decision."
"Seiran...I still need you...I still want you to be part of the family...however, if you feel you can no longer bear the sight of me, I understand that also."
The look of incredulity on his face is near comical. His hands come to grasp hers:
"I pledged my life to honouring and protecting you, my lady. Naught shall interfere. My emotions are manageable. My vow to you is above them."
She doesn't understand the ache that threatens to split her in half as Seiran walks out.
He had not meant to cry, he muses. He had proposed to her at his own risk, knowing full well his brother's feelings. He hoped she would have more of an insight into her own emotions by eliminating himself from the picture.
He sighs.
What would I have done if she had said yes?!
Time passes at everything falls back into welcome monotony. Days wane into golden shards of autumn. Before she knows it, winter has already shaken snow into her hair. She sighs. Another year gone by; a fruitful year, with many advances in terms of provincial happenings, a successful year, a very much empty year.
She does not understand it; the more she attempts to resign herself the more some crazed part of her screams. It has grown stronger with each day, clawing at her heart and its self-imposed caged until she thought she would bleed. A shake of the head puts things in perspective again: she is a government official. That is her purpose, that is her sole mean of helping out the emperor.
Ryuuki!! Screams a shard of her heart. He wants you to call him Ryuuki!
With another sigh she takes out a tome and begins reading.
It has been long, too long, he ponders upon walking in the garden. This night is the night when Shuurei comes. It is the sole night of the year when he has her all to himself. It is slow in coming, and fleeting, but he cannot but feel glad.
Shuurei!
She is there! She is truly there! It's Shuurei, his Shuurei, not another ghost dreamed up by his aching heart. Her smile is real, her face, her eyes, they are truly before him. He cannot help the tremors that come over him; he collapses with a sigh in her arms. Her warmth surrounds him, pierces to his very soul.
"Shuurei!" Again and again he calls her name content, relieved, excited. He keeps himself from saying anything more lest he scare her.
"I'm home, Ryuuki."
The ritual is complete for another year.