Disclaimer: I am not JKR, I don't own any of the characters, they're (almost) allJ-K Rowling's (though I made up one). I am not making any money with this fanfiction. However, everithing happening here came out of my deranged brains...

Disclaimer: I tried to make that fanfiction somehow fun. If it is not, please tell me so I get back to math homework. If it is, tell me too because I like to be congratulated. I'm waiting for your rewiews. I'd like to thanks an other fanfiction author, Moony June, for that's reading her fanfiction (Harry Potter and the insane author) tahtI came up with idea of doing the same. I hope I'll do just as good.

Harry was kind of disappointed. That was the first birthday he spent quietly, but all the Dursleys were away for dinner and he realised he wouldn't have the fun to give them a Brandnew haircut and remind Dudley of what happened 6 years ago (the pig tail). At that moment an owl burst through the window, dropped a letter and went away. That was not unusual. The unusual thing was, the envelope had a dead man's head-shaped seal and the address was written with blood. The letter itself read:

I won't tell you where

Today, you silly!

Hated Harry Potter,

I shall come tonight at the exact moment you turn seventeen and eventually kill you.

Dementor kisses

The Dark Lord

P.S.: Tell you Aunt Petunia I'm allergic to lobster, just in case they were planning a dinner to congratulate me.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(don't worry, it will stop one day or another)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Voldemort is coming to kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil me!"

Harry leapt toward the phone (not being 17 yet, he still couldn't do magic) and called Hermione's home. Only he wished he had the number. Because he rediscovered the whole fun of calling (the author apologize for not knowing which number, but he's French. He just realize saying this will cause him being flamed by all Americans and English readers) some answering machine that would eventually inform you after ten minutes of guesswork that the number you are looking for is unavailable and, apart from your time, that you eventually lost 5 pounds calling. At that point (though he didn't care at all about Uncle Vernon five pounds), Harry felt like he needed to destroy every answering machine in UK, which he did by the way.

That was the moment were he heard a loud crash. A black-haired middle-aged woman appeared.

" I know you don't care at all about my name, and as the author made me from some teacher he hates at his high school, let's get straight to the point: the ministry sent me to arrest you for illegal performing of magic; actually, the author sent me so I can warn your friends.

So could you please warn Hermione?

Are you deaf or stupid? I just told you I was sent to arrest you!

But what you said about the author…

I hate the author: he's fren…"

Before she finished the sentence, it turned out Uncle Vernon's new TV was too heavy for the badly built second floor, and, by an extreme coincidence, that the-ministry-woman-who-was-not-named was right under it when it fell through the ceiling.

"Okay, she said, I'll go and get her"

She returned minutes later with Hermione. Harry explained the situation and asked her to get the twins (not Ron nor Ginny, who didn't have their apparition licence). When she returned, he realised he had forgotten something:

" I'm sorry, could you go and tell Ginny I love her?

Okay…CRASH…CRASH…Did it!

And could you also bring Lupin?

I'll do it…CRASH…CRASH…I brought tonks too.

I just saw really nice slippers in a catalogue, and I'd like too wear them before I die. Could you go to Madam Rosemerta's?

You know what? I'm bored…CRASH…CRASH…Here you are, the pink ones with a teletuby on it…"

Two minutes later, Uncle Vernon came back and said suddenly:

"You know what Petunia? We've forgotten to buy stamps!"

That was too much for Hermione.

"Pluere stamps"

The Dursleys were quite surprise to find themselves under an enormous pile of stamps.

Several hours later, having learnt the situation, the Dursleys found it was a good idea to go to the cinema for a long long time. It was almost midnight

" Harry, said, Hermione, could I see the letter again?

Of course, here you…"

The letter exploded literally and a loudvoice from nowheresaid:

"Come on Harry, do you think I'm so stupid that I'd let you know where I am to show up?"

The ministry woman begun:

" Technically, Harry James Potter, you must be arrested for having caused massive material destruction without any reason and have used your magic before you turn seventeen and…

I am seventeen.

Yes, but you weren't four hours ago!

I know, but I am now able to do things like that: Pluere anvils

Why, said a voice, is that always anvils?"

Harry and his friends turned round…