NEVER NEVER NEVER

(Standard disclaimers, not mine, rightful owners, all that.)

I stood as a god with no worshippers.

I sat amidst eternity and spoke of justice.

I saw everything and felt nothing but boredom.

The first emotion I ever experienced was—

Exultation.

Triumph.

Superiority.

Godliness.

I put pen to paper and criminals died. I smeared ink across lines and hearts stopped. So heady. So giddy. Something numbing and thrilling burst through my nerves like a shot of electricity to the spine and I carried the Note like something between a holy artifact and a cross I was cursed to bear, and I laughed into the black and the red of Ryuk's eyes every night as they all—little criminals, little cockroaches—they all died died died.

My godhood was so sweet it burned my tongue and ate me alive from the inside and I only laughed harder and drowned the sugar out with the salt of blood.

The second emotion I felt in my life—

Fury.

Bloodlust.

Competitiveness.

Hate.

Nothing like victory, nothing like ecstasy, I stared at that damnable letter on my TV screen and if I could have reached through the glass and wrapped my hands around your neck right then and there I would have done so without a second of hesitation and I would have gripped your pretty white throat and felt your pulse beat a frantic rhythm against my palms and your windpipe convulse, furiously empty, and I would have strangled the life out of you right there and never felt a moment's regret. I'd never felt a hatred so passionate and I'd never felt anything so violent and where victory had flowed out of me like waves upon waves of gold light my fury rolled inward and inward and had me biting the palms of my hands with my nails and I wanted to claw something to shreds and wrap this self of mine—so small, so empty, so emotionless because a god isn't allowed softness—around you and smother you with my smell.

Fury was a fever injected into my brain and a noose wrapped around my chest and wrists and knees like puppet strings that all drew me towards you and for the first time I felt like I wanted to dance and slice throats and dance in the crimson, crimson rain.

And somewhere in all the eyeblink aeons between my death and my destruction, I can't do anything but wonder if that was when my noble war for a perfect world turned into a childish squabble with the most angelic devil that I wanted to kill—nearly as much as I wanted to kiss.

…

I think I used to have control. I don't really remember anymore.

I just know that every time I look at you I want to rip your throat out with my teeth and kiss your bloody mouth. I want to pull your hair and bite your lips and wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze and squeeze until something gives and you die in fount of blood and vomit and I'll laugh while you go cold in my arms and I still will never never never let you go.

You're mine. Mineminemine. My rival best friend worst enemy murderer victim.

I think the way I hate you is the closest I've come to loving someone.

…

You're the insomniac, but sometimes I would wake up during that one hour a night when you sleep next to me and stare down at you and your pretty black hair across the pillow and the shiny silver of our handcuffs around your wrist and I wonder if I am Kira after all, because in those moments I want to break your face and kiss your pretty pale hands and laugh as you bleed across the perfect white sheets.

And then I start to wonder if I am Kira.

And then for a while, I'm sure I'm Kira.

Because you've never been wrong, have you?

Always right and always cold and never never never wrong.

And then I start to ask that if I maybe possibly might be (am) Kira, why don't you join me, pretty white-and-ebony angel, lovely heretic Satan to my mad murdering God, and didn't Lucifer love the Lord enough to hate him, and maybe that's been your name all along.

Lucifer.

L.

Imagine it.

If I'm Kira then I'm the closest thing to a God and you're the closest thing to the closest thing and maybe you're perfect and maybe you're just like me. And Cleopatra once said it to Caesar, the mad queen and the ruler of Rome, that if they worked together they could stand as gods over the rest of eternity, and Kira doesn't need L but he wants him more than anything, because Lucifer loved God, and the Lord adored Satan.

…

In the most abstract of wishes, I think I'd like to be a cake.

You eat so many sweets I wondered if you even liked them anymore, and when I asked you just tilted your head at me and looked at me with those eyes that are blacker than eternity and mumbled something around a mouth full of sugar, and I snorted and looked away without asking again but I know you said yes to me because you've never once offered to share and you take all you can find.

So I think I'd like to be your cake.

Because you're the only one who loves so extremely as to devour the things you desire.

…

You alone.

For only a moment.

For one moment I'll hold you in my arms and I'll pull off the pretty mask that I've been wearing for longer than I know and I'll let you see the red eyes and I'll let you see the poisoned smirk and I'll give you all the evidence you could ever ask for in one single snarling smile, because this is Kira Kira Kira and you are L L L and this is all that we are and you're going to die.

You know it.

I know it.

You're dying.

So why didn't I win?

I can throw myself on your grave and scream it and swear it and I know this is my victory, I know it I know it I know it, so why didn't I win and why do I feel like you're glaring down at me from the borderlands between Heaven and Hell and whispering—

cheater

And I never did learn your name…

…

Fucking bastard fucking bastard goddamn mother-fucking bastard CHEATER.

What kind of cheater doesn't play his last card until after he's DEAD?

Fucking L.

You're waiting for me in the dusk and in the dawn and in the endlessly soul-devouring abyss that lies between damnation and salvation and Heaven and Hell and neither one of us deserved either. It's raining here because it was raining the day you died and you're just as pretty black-white as the day you went cold in my arms and I never never never let you go and I never never never—

You kick my ass one last time because that's just the way we are and if it were anything but the taste of blood in my mouth and an aching fire rippling through me it just wouldn't be right and when you kick me to the ground you plant one foot on my chest and lean over and you look at me.

Black black black eyes that are as black as the cover of the Note and deeper than the abyss that's going to swallow us both and your eyes will dissolve me and eat me alive and there's not a bit of emotion in those eyes or that voice when you lean over me and mutter:

"You never won."

Then I grab your ankle and twist and you fall down on top of me and I grab you around the waist and you let me because we don't fit together and you're all bones and I'm full of bullet holes and you rip out handfuls of my hair and smash our faces together and teeth click and lips bleed and you taste like sugar and salt sanguine blood, and is that why you ate so many sweets?

And into your mouth I croon:

never never never lose never never never won never never want anyone but you.

because Lucifer was the most beloved of God's angels.

because hating you was the closest I ever came to loving someone

because Kira will always need L to hate

always always always

never never never

…XxX…

A/N

I don't think I've written anything this hideously random for ages, but goddamn if it wasn't fun.

At some point, L and Light just stopped making sense with me…They just like to ramble like the crazy people that they are…

I feel like I should apologize to all the people who read this expecting something that made sense.

But review anyway, because randomness is fun! Please?