Another day
Without your smile
Another day just passes by
But now I know
How much it means
For you to stay
Right here with me
I
She smiles at you, the smile you've always love and you would always love to see it on her face. She maybe smiling but as you look into her deeply into her ocean blue eyes you know she's torn apart inside.
You want to say something, anything that can comfort her but you know the moment you try to speak you'll also break.
You could see her lips quiver and her eyes looking glassy, she's blinking rapidly trying not to let any tears fall down on her face.
You couldn't do anything or say anything to make her feel better. You drop your luggage and you pull her into a tight embrace.
You didn't say anything because you know actions speaks louder than words. You feel her arms tight around you and her face buried in your neck. You could her hear sniffle and you feel your neck wet. Not because of sweat but because of tears.
You finally let go when you hear your plane about to take off in just a few minutes. You press your lips onto hers. You don't care if you are kissing her in the middle of the airport, you just need to show her that you love her so much and that it hurts you more than it does to her.
In movies, in scenes like this, it's where time stands still but to you it feels like there's no one else in this world, just you and her. Not only time stood still but it also seems like the world stopped spinning.
You finally break apart, and you could feel some stares of the people around you but you don't care, not one bit. You rest your forehead against her, your eyes still closed. Relishing every moment.
"San you're gonna be late for your flight" she tells you
You finally open your eyes again, brown meeting blue. You sigh. You place your left hand on her cheek and with your thumb you remove some of those tears that kept on falling.
You grab your luggage and start to walk away from her. You hate doing that. You promised to her that you will never walk away from her but right now you're doing it.
You stop for a moment and you glance behind you.
She stood there, looking so beautiful and you just want to run back to her and never leave her side but you know you have to.
You try to muster up the best smile you could give before you started to walk away again.
You didn't say goodbye cause you know it's still not the end and besides it's the word you hated the most.
You realize that leaving her behind is one of the most painful thing you had ever done.
And that you'll miss seeing her smile every day.
The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer
II
It's only been 4 months since you've left her and you hated every day of it. Not waking up next to her or hearing her laugh is torturing you. You want her. You need her, like how a human needs oxygen so bad.
But what hurts the most is that you it's been a while since she told you she loves you.
You thought maybe she's drifting away or she's with someone else but you started to feel angry with yourself because you just thought about her cheating on you and just doubting her makes you feel so… so unworthy of her.
You left her, she deserves to be happy with someone else a voice from your head would always tell you before you go to sleep and you can't help but feel guilty every single time.
You and her stopped skyping each other due to busy and different schedules. But then you two just stopped talking to each other and you don't know why. You still text her good morning or good night but another month came again and everything that means contacting her, you stopped doing it altogether.
You feel like you've been a bad girlfriend but you kept on reassuring yourself that nothings wrong with your relationship it's just this long distance thing.
Another month came again. 6 months, not hearing her voice and seeing her face. And you feel like you just want to die.
You tried calling her one night but it seems like she changed her number. You feel a strong pang that night. How come she didn't tell you? Is she really forgetting you now? But you haven't broken up with her yet and so is she.
You got her new number from Tina. You and the asian woman never meets eye to eye but you've shared a few decent conversation with her and she's not so bad at all. You even consider her as one of your closest friends and you rarely put that title to anyone.
You went back to Lima one weekend. You feel bad as you step on the ground of your hometown because you came back just to break someone's heart. But you just couldn't do it anymore and it seems like so does she.
You should have came back every weekend for her.
You came back unannounced so your parents were surprised but you told them you're just gonna do something and be back to Louisville in just a day or maybe even a few hours cause you can't be in the same place where she is. It'll hurt just more and leave more holes in your heart.
You went to McKinley that afternoon. You walk along the familiar corridors and you feel like you're at home. You turn around on a corner but stopped immediately when you see two blonde standing in front of your used to be locker and Brittany's locker.
A girl's back was facing you and you know that's Brittany. You just know it. And she's facing none other than Sam Evans.
They're talking but you can't hear what they're saying.
They still haven't notice your presence in the corner and you feel somehow glad because it feels like you're interrupting something.
Then you hear Brittany talking about last chances then in just a few seconds pass by, Brittany lean forward to Sam and before you were able to blink your eyes, her soft lips is against on Sam's big guppy ones.
You just stand there frozen on your spot and you just watch what's happening before your eyes.
You know your heart's breaking at the sight but you can't really feel anything. Your whole body just went numb even your insides.
You know they're about to pull away and if they do, they're gonna catch you. You feel like a coward when you finally feel your whole body again and with one foot you step back, you bite you lip and just finally run away.
You run back towards your car and as you do tears streams down on your face.
You went back to Louisville the same day.
You're on your bed crying like a kid whose favorite toy just got stolen by a mean bully and actually it feels like that. But it's not a toy whose got stolen … it's the love of her life, her best friend and just about her everything. And it's not a mean bully who stole her, it's one of her friend.
More hot tears fall out of your eyes. You hug your pillow tightly as your heart continues to break.
Before you met Brittany, your heart wasn't whole, it was broken into tiny million pieces and somehow she fixed it together again but now the one who fixed is the one who's breaking it into tiny million pieces again.
You don't want to cry anymore but you just can't stop.
You grab your phone and typed a quick message to her.
To Brittany: Hope you're happy with Sam.
III
It's been 6 years and you still haven't forget her. When you texted her that night, she didn't replied or called you. It's not like you're expecting her to call you or anything but you just can't help but hope sometimes.
You graduated and you're now one of the most respectable lawyers in LA and the hottest one at that. You've been sleeping off with different people every night the first year you and her had broken up.
Neither one of you actually said the word but it feels like it before Sam even came in, in the picture.
You stopped contacting every member of glee club but Quinn Fabray just kept on pursuing you. She also lives in LA she's a nurse, a hot nurse. You had a one night stand with her but you feel empty after it. And now you just fucked your 2 best friends. Which is a very big accomplish of you.
But that night Quinn straightened you up. She kept on lecturing you about moving on, find someone else and blah blah. You stopped listening the moment she said find someone else cause you know you could never ever find someone just like her.
Every member of the glee club were successful with their lives. Artie discovered something about how to make his legs work again, Puck is an infamous rockstar, Rachel actually made it to broadway along with Kurt and Blaine, Finn became a teacher, Tina owns a Chinese restaurant and her husband Mike owns a dance studio somewhere in New York along with Brittany.
Brittany every time you think of her or hear her name it just hurts. Whoever said time could mend a broken heart was a liar. It's already been 6 years for god's sake and you still haven't moved on.
After her you don't involve yourself with a relationship anymore. You can't see yourself settling down with someone else because you'll still wait for the time you'll be in her arms again. You'll forgive her for whatever she had done. Forget all the pain she caused you that day and just restart again. If only there was a restart button. If only.
You haven't heard anything about her all you know she owns a dance studio with Mike in New York. You don't know if she's married or with someone else. Quinn still keep in touch with her but doesn't say anything to you cause she knows how you get when you hear or name or hear anything that involves around her.
You want to know it's just that you're afraid to find out.
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you
IV
You remember those times when you and her would sit under your large tree in your backyard. Her head resting on your shoulders while yours are resting against hers and your hands clasped together and just watch the world go by.
You remember her telling you how you're the only one she could see waiting for her on the altar and you can't help but smile cause you feel the same.
One time when your mother brought a few wedding magazines to help her friend out for her wedding. You remember you and her reading it on your room. Scanning the wedding dresses, thinking which one suites the other one best. And the few possible places where you might get married. You remember her picking out Tokyo under the beautiful cherry blossom trees and you remember promising her that you and her will make it there someday.
During your little cousin's birthday. You were helping him decorate his backyard for his party along with her. You remember when you walked back inside the house and you got pulled in, in the closet, her lips meeting yours and one thing led to another and you remember her saying how she wanted you to mother her children and you can't help but chuckle at the thought of little Brittany running around and at the same time you feel your heart swell with love. And you remember the promise you made that you'll be there for her when she gives birth to you and her first child.
You remember the time when she told you that she's looking forward to the day where she would always wake up next to you, always seeing your face the first thing she opens her eyes and peppering you with sweet lady kisses. You feel your stomach flutter and your heart feeling warm. You just smiled at her and you promised that you're also looking forward to that day.
All in all she said, she just couldn't wait to call you her wife and have lady babies with her.
But as you recall those memories you can't help but form a bittersweet smile on your face and a tear rolling down on your cheek.
Because those promises were never kept and because what she told you that she's looking forward to do with you never happened.
Because right not she's doing those things she said to you with someone else.
Someone else you think. You shake your head that bittersweet smile still plastered on your face. As long she's happy. I'm happy you think but this voice again on your head was yelling liar.
Cause deep inside you'll never be happy again without her with you. And because you are so selfish that you just want her to be happy because of you, not because of someone else.
You remember those memories with her because today you just got the courage to finally ask Quinn what's going on with her life. And you weren't happy on what you heard.
She told you that Brittany's married to Sam, they live in New York. She owns a dance studio while Sam owns a music store. They've been married for 3 years already and has one kid. A little girl who's 2 years old.
She's living her dreams and you are so happy for her. She graduated an finally owns the dance studio she always wanted and a family.
But you aren't happy at the thought of her accomplishing her dream without you by her side.
You weren't there on her wedding, heck you didn't even got an invitation. You weren't there when she gave birth to her first child and you weren't there when she graduate or cut the big ribbon when she opened her dance studio.
And you feel so guilty when you don't even have to.
It's just that you feel like a parent who missed out on her kid growing up.
You and her grew up together. They were inseparable. And they did everything together but now as they became adults and have their own life it's the time they lost each other.
Things can come and go
V
4 years had passed but for you it's been eternity and you just want to lay down on your bed and sleep forever which could actually come soon.
You have leukemia. Right now it's stage 3. You stopped going through medication because you know you're just gonna die anyway your doctor are just afraid to say it.
Nobody knows about your condition except Quinn. Your parents died a few years ago. You never went to the reunion because going back to Lima. Driving or walking back to those familiar places will just remind you more of her.
You don't go to work anymore because of your condition and you miss it, actually you just miss at yelling at people because it's the only time you could actually release your angry to someone else. You yell different things but your mind is just yelling how lonely your life turned out to be.
Your doctor finally confronted you that you probably have only a few months to live. They don't actually know the exact time. You're glad you'll just live for a few months more. Glad that you won't feel the pain anymore. Not the pain caused by the sickness, pain caused by her, by the broken heart.
You'd gladly take physical pain than emotional pain because you could put a bandage on a wound but not a bandage for the heart. You won't remember the pain on how you got that wound but you'll always remember the pain on how you got a broken heart.
You're walking around a street somewhere in New York, a beanie covering your hairless head and a thick layering of clothing.
You stopped in front of a building with a huge glass window n the 2nd floor an you could see people dancing but you're finding a very graceful blonde who you wish would just look outside the window or just come nearer.
You just want to see her before your eyes permanently closed.
You have been standing beside a lamppost for only a few minutes but it feels like it's been an hour. You feel like some creep stalking someone … actually you are but you aren't really stalking. You just want to see a glimpse of her before your final day on this world. Okay maybe you can be a bit stalkerish because you were to proud to ask Quinn for her address so you just search for it for yourself.
You just kept your eyes on the large window and your hands on your coats pocket. Suddenly a car parked in front of the building. Two blondes got out. One's a man and one's a little girl.
You know who the blonde man is, it's Sam and the little girl looks like a mini Brittany and you felt a pang on your chest.
They went inside the building and you quickly look back at the large window again. Then you saw a flash of blonde. It's not Sam or the little girl. You know it's her. You just know it.
You could see her approach the window and finally it's like your prayers had been hear she looked outside. You stare at her for a few moments. She still looks the same, more mature but still the same. Still beautiful as ever.
You've been staring at her for so long because you know she felt you eyes on her because she finally meets your.
Brown ones finally met blue ones again.
You don't know if you're hallucinating or not because it's like you saw a … spark? As your eyes met her again.
You stare at each other for a few seconds until Sam came up behind her, kissing her cheek. She turned around and you know she's telling Sam she saw you and you know it's time for you to leave.
Not wanting to be caught. Such a coward. Just like before.
You're still afraid of facing her again. Even though it's been 10 years.
You quickened your pace back to your car parked somewhere just 4 buildings away. You got inside and you look behind you.
You could see Brittany running towards where you just stood for a few moments, Sam behind her. You see her looking so frustrated but mostly sad.
Her eyes started to look everywhere and thank god your car windows are tinted with black. You sigh as you start the engine. Before you press the gas you glance behind you again.
"I will always love you", you whisper to yourself. If only you could kiss her again like the time on the airport. To show her how much she means those words but she knows she can't.
With one last look she saw her staring at your car. You smile at her even though she can't see you but somehow it feels like she can.
"Goodbye" this time you said it cause you know you won't be back again. You stepped on the gas and drove away from her.
But it feels like you're walking away from her again.
I wanna die lying in your arms
VI
It's been a two days since you've got back from New York. If possible your health became worst and you know the doctor said a few months but you know it could be today or any other day. You know you won't last for a few months anymore and you had already accepted it.
You lay on your bed just waiting for the time to come. Quinn is still at work but she said she'd visit you later tonight.
You feel like a burden to her. She has a own family she needs to attend to but ever since your sickness became stage 3 or possibly right now it's 4. She's been sleeping in your house.
A house that you could never call a home because one smart person told you before that you could truly call a house a home when the people who live there are happy and full of love.
You always wanted a home but never found one until you met her.
She'll always be your home.
And you've been lost for years now, still trying to find it.
"Santana why do you always like being alone?"
"Because if I'm alone at least I won't have to lose anyone"
"But now you have me…so"
"So I'll try my best not to lose you"
But you didn't did your best. You've been sleeping for years without her and now you're gonna sleep forever without her.
Flashes of your memory came flooding on your mind and you feel you heart beating fast like it wants to get out of your ribcage.
You close your eyes and you gulp as you open them again. You grip on your bed sheets, hard.
With one final beat of you heart.
You saw her running towards you. Screaming your name.
Your eyes closed. You feel your hands loosen the grip on the bed sheet and everything went black.
For once you fell asleep without any pain on your heart, any burden or guilt.