We decided to write an Assassin's Creed fic. Of course, Hiney decided right off the bat that it would be crack. That almost rhymes. Actually, it's assonance. Moving on. This fic as an itty bitty little bit of orange (not quite lime or lemon) at the end.
Disclaimer: We do not own Assassin's Creed or any of its characters.
Al Mualim was naked.
Nobody liked looking at naked old men, their skin all loose and wrinkly. Altair was no exception to this dislike. The fact of the matter was that as long as Al Mualim was head Rafiq, Altair would have to endure it.
"Uh, is there something you needed?" Altair asked upon entering the room. He instantly averted his eyes before they could bleed.
"I need you to fetch Malik immediately."
"Pardon my asking, but… What exactly do you need him for?"
"I need him to find my pants. I seem to have misplaced them, and since I always put my pants on first, I cannot get dressed."
Altair quickly turned and left the room. The sooner the head Rafiq got dressed, the better it would be for everyone.
"What the hell kind of memory is this?" Desmond screamed as he got up from the Animus.
"Calm down, Mr. Miles—this is all part of the process," Dr. Vidic explained, a little too composedly.
"I don't wanna see an old guy naked!" Desmond whined.
"If you don't get back in the Animus right now, I will strip down, and you will see me naked!"
"Doctor, you have to be patient," Lucy interrupted.
Despite Lucy's advice, the doctor remained predatory, so Desmond complied with his request and scrambled back onto the Animus.
Altair was racing through the countryside on his horse, while quietly cursing under his breath. How the hell would he get Malik to find the Rafiq's pants, when the cripple still tried to smother Altair in his sleep occasionally? He'd also have to sneak past any guardsmen he saw by acting like a fraggin' scholar. Boy, did he hate those guys.
Upon finally reaching Jerusalem after many threats upon his life, Altair snuck through the city to the Assassin's bureau and dropped down through the rooftop entrance.
To find Malik, who was also naked.
"Oh for the love of-!" Altair yelled, throwing his arms up in frustration.
"Ah, brother, do you think you could find my clothes?"
"Fine, but only if you find Al Mualim's—he must be going senile because he's lost his knickers."
"Only if you assassinate Vidic as well."
"Who's Vidic?"
"No one… jeez I nearly broke the fourth wall there… Fine, I'll find the Rafiq's pants, just figure out where I drunkenly stumbled off to last night and retrieve my uniform."
I don't really feel like going into detail, so let's just say Altair found a beggar wearing Malik's clothes, assassinated him, stripped him down, and brought the garb back to Malik.
"I am most obliged, brother, although I still feel the urge to rip your arm off and beat you to death with it."
"Just get to work, cripple-man."
With Malik's skills of deduction and Altair's ability to get to places the handicapped man could not, they located Al Mualim's trousers.
Turns out the pants were in Solomon's Temple at the very tippy-top. Apparently he'd hid them up there himself to get Altair and Malik to work together, and be besties again. So Altair and Malik rode off into the sunset on Hidalgo. Just kidding—they actually killed Al Mualim and then had hot steamy sexy time beside his dead body. OOOOH Yeaaaaah.