A/N: I hope that I haven't grotesquely pulled them out of character or anything and well this is my first time with femslash...so yeah. Thoughts, comments, criticism all appreciated here because this was kind of fun and I am intrigued by maybe revisiting it someday. Enjoy-

-----
Afraid of an airplane
Of a car swerving in the lane
Of a dark cloud too low
Or being swept away by the undertow
Of a building tumbling down
Of the train when it's underground
Of the icy mountain roads
We have to take to get to the show
- Maria Taylor, "Xanax"
-----

There are a few things that Addison Montgomery is never going to own up to in this lifetime.

Most of them just happened recently in her downward spiral of shame and ruckus. One being that her divorce is much harder than she's ever going to admit to anyone. It's not about the failing at life thing and it's not about missing Derek, because she honestly doesn't, it's about the normalcy. The finality of something once so certain being shot to hell like an explosive in a paper bag. Another is that secretly she's a cutter at heart and sometimes, well frankly, a lot of the time she misses the idea of having operations everyday. She's thankful for the peace and quiet of the private practice but most days she finds it mundane and almost ends up taking a nap at her desk in between patients. She misses the rush of adrenaline knowing that her life was going to serve a purpose greater than curing genital warts in a fourteen year old girl. Her hands were not made to sit idle while other, less capable- if she was honest, surgeons attempted things she could do in her sleep.

And lastly, Addison likes nature. Mind you, not enough to live in a trailer for months, not enough to want to go camping but there is something about a cool, early morning fog and wet grass that just invigorates her. She likes sitting on a park bench at five a.m. watching the sunrise burst to life. She enjoys seeing the deep plum color of the farthest strikes in the sky meld with the warm strawberry that hits just off the horizon. And she gets excited about not having sand in her shoes when watching the wet melon color of the grass compliment the vibrant hues of delicious orange and succulent raspberry in the California coast skyline.

She likes the outdoors and she's never admitting it to anyone.

-----

Sometimes there's only a dog that sniffs at her before tugging its owner away, sometimes people running stop to stare and sometimes it is just her and her morning cup of coffee and the effervescent, overachieving sun that the rest of the world gripes about. Most days she stays in bed through the whole sequence but there are days and weeks where life is just too awful and she needs to realign her chi, or whatever it is that Naomi calls it. So she sits. Legs crossed over one another and one hand clasped against her cup while the other keeps pushing her sunglasses up her nose every few seconds. She can never keep the damn things on completely.

This morning she's here because it's only Tuesday and she has deemed it the worst week she has had since arriving, and that includes all of the ones with rain. After finally getting back into the OR, momentarily, she lost both a baby and a mother and was then subsequently blamed for both and balled up into a linen closet to cry out the stress. Generally, it wouldn't be a problem. Normally she would have squeezed the father's shoulder and said she did her best but she's pretty sure she's gotten rusty in the last few months and not even the old feeling of riding a bike was enough to save the pair she inadvertently killed early Monday morning.

Today's she's starting over. Drinking her coffee, telling herself she can have a fresh start on the week because this is her freebee and god does she need it. Little does she know what she has lined up for the day. Curling her hand around the empty paper container and squishing it in her grasp she stands and heads off to work with an ominous feeling brewing in the pit of her stomach.

-----

"Your first patient is here Dr. Montgomery." Dell interjects popping only his head past her door.

"Thanks." Addison grins warmly and then gathers the file she hasn't really bothered looking at yet into her arms. They're all the same lately and she's come to realize that unless someone says differently she can figure out what's going on when she gets in there. She continues staring down at the black and white print of the Entertainment section in the morning's paper trying to find something interesting to do with her weekend. She tried to talk Naomi and Violet into a spa day after the morning conference but they were both tied up and short of asking Pete out on a date, Addison is just going to have to occupy herself.

When she reaches the room, eyes still fixed down skimming over show times for the touring play of the week, she nearly runs straight into the door. Instead she readjusts the tight black pencil skirt and smoothes out its imaginary wrinkles. Breezing into the room she notices the small Southern woman everyone keeps telling her she should be afraid of but Addison doesn't buy her prickly outer façade and gives Charlotte a curt nod. "Charlotte."

"Montgomery." She drawls.

"Where's the patient?" Addison grins warmly looking around for a woman to be yelled and preached at about. She's not really in the mood for one of the Chief of Staff's tirades but it comes with the territory and it is better her than someone else.

Charlotte nervously clears her throat. "I'm the patient."

Addison cocks her head to the side, letting the ends of her rushed ponytail tickle her shoulder and decides to play along, "Ok."

"I just need you to prescribe me some pills."

"You could do that yourself you know." Addison places the file down noting that the name and her patient are indeed not the same person.

Charlotte balls her hands into fists and begins to pace quickly. "I have ethics." She growls. One doesn't reach the heights of success she has, at the age she is without them.

"Ok, can I ask what this about?" Addison finally gives in and leans her hands back against the counter unintentionally pushing out the low cut chest of her blouse. It does not go unnoticed and she wriggles under the scrutiny feeling oddly pleased with the attention. "Charlotte," she paces smoothly, quietly, "whatever is going on…I can't help you unless you tell me."

"I'm not a child; you don't need to speak to me in that tone." She snaps defensively before resigning herself to the exam table and hoping up.

Addison hangs her head knowing that this is not how she envisioned her morning while watching the fruit cocktail sunrise this morning. "I apologize, now-"

"I have a problem."

She bites back from barking, 'Don't we all,' and instead smiles and waits patiently. People always feel the need to talk to her, even when she doesn't want to know. Sometimes she feels like she should be doing Violet's job or something.

"I have a problem." She mumbles again looking down at her hands. They are wrung together, knuckles white from the tightness of her grip.

Addison eases her hand over the younger woman's embrace trying to coax her into talking. "What kind of pills do you want Charlotte?" She lets go, taking her warmth with her and reaches for her trusty prescription pad and pen.

"Xanax." She whispers so low that Addison can hardly hear it.

"Xanax? That's not really my area-"

"Say it louder so the whole world can hear." She looks around nervously, checking to make sure the blinds are drawn. "Please tell Naomi and Sam that the head of St. Ambrose needs anxiety medication."

"Are you sure?"

"I am a doctor too."

"No, I know- I just…well sometimes these things can be helped without pills." She's got no basis for the conversation she's having outside of general knowledge and has a feeling like she is about to be pummeled by a wild animal.

"I have GAD okay? Happy? Know everything you wanted to about good old Charlotte King now?"

She's not sure whether to answer yes or no or both so she settles on scribbling out the dosage with her blue pen and sloppily signing her name to the bottom before turning and dashing for the door.

"Wait!" Charlotte shouts pitifully behind her.

Addison turns back to the door and slips in waiting, swallowing hard. She is beginning to finally sense the intimidating prowess. "What?"

Charlotte takes a deep breath and looks past her shoulder, trying to avoid the inviting patch of skin showing just below Addison's clavicle. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. I get a little weird when I am like this and…" Her voice breaks and her minds wills her to stay strong but most of the time she wishes that someone would just break through the concrete barriers she has set and give her a hug. "…and I'm sorry. It's been a few years since my last…I'm sorry."

She loses the battle in the end, for some reason or another. It could be her constant fight with sleep, the fact that screwing Cooper has been the worst idea and best exercise since she gave up running months ago in the name of her job or the gnawing feeling of just being a woman and needing to cry it out sometimes. Addison approaches her hesitantly but when the taller woman wraps her arms around Charlotte's shoulders and strokes the back of her head all she can do is sob like a child.

Eventually her tears subside, her embarrassment level hits an all time high and she tries to squirm away but Addison whispers into her ear, "I have an idea."

"I hate when you people here get ideas, it only gives me headaches and more paperwork."

"This has nothing to do with work, I promise. Meet me at my house tomorrow morning. Six o'clock and don't be late."

Charlotte raises her head to object about the time but stops when she realizes that she doesn't sleep anymore anyway so what's it matter? She resolves to meet Montgomery in the morning and not to cash in on the anxiety medication until after their rendezvous.

-----

The petite, blue eyed woman arrives the next morning at Addison's well lit beach house slightly weary and more than anything excited. She's never been out here before and she doesn't know what they're doing but like a five year old, Charlotte has never gotten rid of her sense of adventure and spunk, it just lies hidden below the white lab coats.

"Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see." Addison instructs dipping into her car and waiting for Charlotte to follow suit. Apparently she missed the memo on getting dressed because she sits in the passenger seat wearing nothing more than a plain white tank top and a pair of blue running shorts with her old looking Nikes. Addison wonders if she's a runner, glancing toward her toned legs, but thinks better of pushing her luck and speeds out onto the near desolate road.

When they arrive and Addison finally hordes Charlotte from her car and onto the park bench facing the parking lot the sunrise is just beginning.

"What are we doing?" Charlotte asks nervously looking over both shoulders, daring the hit men to come out and take the easy shot.

"Just wait." Addison whispers.

"There's no one around, you can speak can't you?"

"Just wait."

"Listen, Montgomery- I have things to do, a hospital to run and I know it has been awhile but I think you still understand that concept-" She's cut short by Addison pointing at the hints of tangerine and cantaloupe in the sky, "What?"

"The sunrise."

Charlotte shakes her head distastefully, "Where are you from?"

"A lot of different places, none of which are important in the grand scheme of everything." She lifts her arm and places it along the back of the bench feeling significantly more assured about the week than she was yesterday. Sometimes all she needs is someone to spend a little time with and when Charlotte leans over and lightly kisses her cherry lips she feels tiny sparks dance through her core.

This, whatever it is that they are doing in front of the dazzling show of sun streaks, is helping. Somehow, the crazy redhead and her soothing techniques have talked Charlotte off the edge without giving her the incessant caffeine buzz the pills always feel like they leave behind. "Thanks." She blushes, leaning against the older woman's shoulder, finally feeling safe and secure for once.

"Just thought I should share my knowledge and help with your…problem." Addison tangles her hand into the girl's short hair and stops her mind from over analyzing every damn thing. It's just the sunrise, like every other hard day, except this time she got to share it with someone more spectacular than the nature she claims to hate. She wonders if she is going to have to add liking Charlotte to the list of things she is never going to own up to but when warm, soft lips press into her neck seconds later she gets her answer.

"This is pretty great." Charlotte says sleepily as a golden retriever jogs by on a red leash.

"It is, isn't it?"

-----