Misery for Valentine's Day
More
Hellish Holidays!
A/N: Okay, right now I doubt there's such thing as Valentine's Day in Japan, but as I have done with Thanksgiving, there is now, ha! BTW, peeps are none too keen about me stating that Yama-chan is my boyfriend. It's my little world, it's my author account, I can say so and if you have a problem with it go read someone else's fic. So now that I'm done ranting, I can turn the typing portion of this over to one of two digimon with thumbs (Wizardmon or Veemon) and actually BE in the fanfic.
Archnemon and Mummymon were sitting in their little Chinese food restaurant located somewhere in Tokyo. Yes, a Chinese food restaurant in Japan, I kid you not. So they're slathering wasabi on everything for no real reason and throwing the little toothpicks you get for the pineapple at the water boys as they come up with their newest evil scheme.
"How about another giant hairy control spire?"
"Mummymon, between now and sometime in the future
we'll have used many giant hairy control spires. We don't need another one."
"Okay, so what if we accused the Digidestined of being the members of an illegal pokémon smuggling cartel that was importing illegal pokémon into the U.S.?"
"What?"
"Never mind. What if we use a giant hairy control
spire?"
"We went over it, no giant hairy control spires."
Archnemon sighed and
opened her fortune cookie. "Well, this is interesting."
"What?"
"Huh. 'You will ruin Valentine's Day for the
Digidestined. Plans follow in the other cookie.' Well what do you have to say
now, Mummymon?"
"Who the hell wrote that cookie?"
The door to the back room opened, revealing
Puppetmon sitting at a little typewriter with a half a billion slips of paper
to write the cookie fortunes. Hey, syndicated residual money can only pay the
rent for so long.
"Open your cookie and we'll start working on
ruining Valentine's Day."
"Archnemon?"
"What?"
"What if the cookie says we use a giant hairy
control spire?"
~*~
"How much you want to bet Archnemon and Mummymon sic another giant hairy control spire on us within the next ten minutes or so?" T.K. asked.
"The odds of that are pretty good," Ken stated.
"SHIMATTA, STOP TALKING LIKE ME! I'M THE GENIUS! MEEEEE!" Izzy screamed.
"Nicki, your boyfriend's being a mental case again," Tai said calmly.
"I know, he had three gallons of café latte this morning. Bad move."
"When are we going to the Digiworld, cuz I have a facial scheduled and…"
"We're not going today, or tomorrow, Mimi," Yolei grumbled.
"Why?"
"Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, the most profitable day for card…"
"Captors?" Chibimon interrupted. Cody started bawling.
"Why did Sakura dump me? WHY?"
"I was about to say card companies, like Hallmark," Lia snapped.
"Tomorrow is Valentine's Day?" Davis asked.
"No, it's Arbor Day," Matt replied sarcastically.
"Then I better get an arbor!"
"Arbor Day is for trees, not arbors, and Matt was being sarcastic," Ken stated.
"I'M THE GENIUS, NOT YOU! YOU WILL GO TO HELL AND DIE, ICHIJOUJI, FOR I AM KOUSHIRO IZUMI, THE GENIUS OF THE DIGIDESTINED! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"We're such a loving bunch," Willis sighed.
"I'm allergic to insanity," Joe sighed.
"Oh yeah? I'm allergic to pleather!" Nicki argued.
"I'm allergic to weasels!"
"Ping-pong balls!"
"Karaoke machines!"
"The cream in Oreos!"
"The Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man!"
Everyone stopped and looked at Lia.
"NO GHOSTBUSTER JOKES!"
"Let's just skip to tomorrow and get this fanfic rolling," Tai groaned.
"Anything to end the torment," Sora added.
"Wow, I'm in shock," Matt gasped.
"Why?" Mimi asked.
"Because for once Nicki isn't fighting with me."
"Give her five seconds," Shadowmon sighed, chewing thoughtfully on a mouse cord.
"Matt's mullet!" Nicki shrieked.
"I (HE) DO (DOES) NOT HAVE A MULLET!" Matt and Lia shouted in unison.
Meanwhile, Davis was staring at Ken. Something about him seemed…attractive. (Mild yaoi alert. Do not be alarmed. It is just a mild yaoi alert.)
"Davis, quit staring at me. I'm not Kari," Ken snapped.
"Huh? Wha? Oh, sorry. Ever notice how you me and Cody are the only guys without girlfriends?"
"What about Willis?"
"Eh, Yolei is working her Mini-Mimi magic on him."
They turn and watch as Yolei tries desperately to flirt with Ken, practically resorting to Brock pickup lines. You know, those corny deals he uses on every girl they come across, and believe me, they've come across plenty. I should know, I was once a former Pokémon advocate.
"Would that make you the Devil's Advocate?" Cody asked, reading the above statement.
"Burn the pokémon!" random Digidestined cried.
"So…what does that have to do with us, Davis?"
"I dunno, maybe we should do something about it."
"Like what? Ask Lia to pull some Mary-Sues out of nowhere to use as dates?"
"Hey, it worked for Matt and Izzy."
"WE'RE NOT MARY-SUES!" Nicki and Lia shrieked, pulling out Van Fanel swords. I'm still not happy cuz they cancelled it!
Davis resumed staring in an enamored fashion at Ken, who was obviously repulsed. Then again, Davis repulses woodland creatures…
"Hey Cody, before we page break, I have a cousin your age who has this crush on you. She's a major Digimon fan, but she hasn't built the shrine yet," Lia said over her shoulder.
"You hear that?" Cody asked excitedly. "In your face, Davis!"
"Shimatta."
~*~
The next day, Valentine's Day, Archnemon was up bright and early to see to it that her carefully followed plans (the ones from the cookie) were being set into motion. Mummymon yawned, stretched, and started the coffee maker in the Howard Johnson's hotel room where they stayed when they were attacking the Digidestined in the Mortal World (good old Earth to you and me).
"Archnemon, how can we trust plans Puppetmon, who's supposed to be dead, wrote on a typewriter and shoved up a cookie?"
"Mummymon, in the words of the geezer from Jackie Chan, 'never mock the cookie.' Understood?"
"Yessum. Oh, and I got you a little something for Valentine's Day."
"Me?" Archnemon asked in surprise. Mummymon went into the closet and pulled out a wicked scythe (nicer than Phantomon's) tied with a pink bow.
"Awwww, you shouldn't have! I left your present in the Jeep."
Mummymon went to the window to see if he could spot the present. Then again, who could miss a giant nuclear missile with the words "To Mummymon, Love Archnemon" scrawled on it?
"Sweet! Now, let's go annoy the hell out of those pesky kids. Where to for breakfast?"
"Uhhhhh, McDonalds. I'm in the mood for an Egg McMuffin. Then we can murder the kids."
"With a giant hairy control spire?"
"NO!"
~*~
Davis was trying desperately to come up with some possible way to tell Ken how he felt. (Yes, more yaoi.) He liked Ken, but he wasn't about to be the only Digidestined with…
"Davis, quit standing around and help me get this stuff into the room!" Yolei ordered, trying to haul multitudes of red and pink stuff into the room. She had already forced Cody to carry a cooler of punch twice his size up three flights of stairs.
"Come on Cody! Just because you fell down the stairs six times doesn't mean you have to be slow!"
Cody hobbled along, muttering obscenities under his breath.
The others were waiting in the computer room, most of them decked out in red, pink, and white (and in Matt's case, black). Mimi was in full pink mode, seriously and totally head-to-toe pink.
"Okay, let's get this Love Boat on its three hour tour," Tai said enthusiastically.
"Yeah!" they all cried in a perky unison. "Digiport, open!"
More lights, more music, more floating people, digimon and inanimate objects, the usual.
"IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY!" Shadowmon shrieked. Everyone winced in pain as the little kitten blew out their eardrums. The other digimon came running (or flying, or waddling, or whatever) from everywhere.
"Another holiday?" Agumon sighed.
"Does this involve turkey?" Biyomon asked warily.
"Nope, it'sh CHOCOLATE!" Veemon cried.
That got the digimon going on full tilt, well, except for Wizardmon. He's just half dead like always. But for the rest of them, as Davis would say, "They were on that candy faster than you could say…really fast." Well, Davis never said that but it's something stupid he would say.
Little did our heroes know but while they were being all cute and cuddly with their boy/girlfriends, Mummymon was pouring the contents of a little vial into the fruit punch. He glanced at the label and snickered.
"Love Potion No. 9. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."
And then he ran off, well, as best as a crackpot deceased Egyptian in bulky blue armor with a driver's license can run.
"You're sure there's no turkeys?" Biyomon asked in between mouthfuls of Hershey's Kisses.
"There's no turkey!" Sora shouted.
"No mass murder of plants?" Palmon teased.
"Uh…"
"No ceremonial shaving of cats for some sick inhumane ritual?" Gatomon asked.
"What?!"
"Never mind."
But of course, every crazy fanfic needs some crisis, and here's the mother of them all. The guys, um, everyone but Davis, just had to drink the punch at the exact same time. And who should pop through the digiport with the help of a certain Evil Spider Lady?
"JUN?!?!?!?!?!" the girls (and Davis) hollered as everyone looked up. Okay, still confused? Let's put this in lamen's terms. The eight cutest Digidestined guys have just taken huge swigs of fruit punch laced with Love Potion No. 9 and taken one look at Jun. Does that help?
"Uh, where are we and what are all those funny looking creatures standing behind you?" Jun asked. Gee, could it be the Land of Oz?
"Um, these? Well, they're, uh, Muppets we borrowed from Henson studios for the newest, uh, Fox primetime special. It's uh, a crossover from Malcolm in the Middle, That 70's Show and the Muppets. They're calling it When Muppets Attack Malcolm, in the Middle of that 70's Show," Yolei supplied quickly.
Jun bought it, the baka that she is. Meanwhile, the guys (still minus Davis) were throwing themselves at her feet and showering her with praises. I refuse to write any of these, as it would make me vomit. So there's the only reason why Davis didn't partake in the punch. I felt that Davis hitting on his own sister was too damn creepy for me.
Meanwhile we, the six Digidestined chicks, and possibly Davis since he has a crush on Kenny, were absolutely infuriated due to the fact that our boyfriends were going full Brock tilt over Jun. Even Cody! Yes, little Cody Hida, the one who started bawling cuz he lied so Joe could rescue the others out of that retarded oil platform and has a mental grandfather and no daddy, is hitting on El Diablo.
"Oh Jun," they (the guys) all sighed.
"Hee hee, aren't they so cute? Especially my Mattykins!"
"ONDOAY, YOU SLUTTY ANIME KUSO! KEEP YOUR FILTHY 'I HAVEN'T WASHED THIS SHIRT IN TWO YEARS' SELF AWAY FROM MY YAMATO!" Lia shrieked.
"Kamehameha," Wizardmon whispered to the digimon, rolling his eyes.
"All right, it's obvious that somebody's done something to the guys because they would never be offering themselves to Jun," Mimi pointed out. Just then this really annoying, really familiar, cheesy background music started up. Yolei recognized it right away.
"Hey, isn't that the Team Rocket Background Theme?"
"Oh sure, we've ripped off Batman, Darkwing Duck, Card Captors, Sailor Moon, a little of Flint, Austin Powers, some Escaflowne, why not rip off Pokémon? It's basically the only thing left!" Kari groaned.
"Prepare for trouble!"
"Make it double!"
"To infect the Digiworld with devastation!"
"To blight the Digidestined in this here location!"
"To simply take over it all, when push comes to shove."
"To extend our Empire to the Mortal World above."
"Archnemon!"
"Mummymon!"
"We're not gay like Piedmon (or Davis), all right?"
"So surrender or this will become some overdramatic fight."
A random Meowth popped out of nowhere, shouted "Dat's right!" and left.
"Gotta love that Team Rocket motto," Nicki sighed.
"So many memories. Like you and Mondo, and you and James, and you and Butch, and you and…" Shad listed before Nicki shoved a handful of Conversation Hearts into her mouth, shutting her up.
A/N: I'm sorry, Nicki! The cat made me say it!
"You're the ones who did this to my Kenny!" Yolei and Davis shouted. Everyone stopped, stared at Davis, laughed hysterically, then resumed like nothing had happened.
"Oh thank you, Fairy Godspider, you've made my Valentine's Day wish come true!" Jun cried.
"Fairy Godspider? That's the kuso you've been feeding this delusional dimwit, Archnemon?" Sora questioned.
"Hey, the cookie said so."
"What cookie?" Mimi asked suspiciously.
"The one that had these plans in it and it didn't say use a giant hairy control spire," Mummymon said simply.
"That makes about as much sense as Davis," Gatomon said. The other digimon (except Wizardmon, he's just deadish) were oblivious to much of anything, too absorbed in wolfing down the candy.
"You know what this looks like?" Sora asked. "This looks like a job for…"
"The Austin Powers Trio!" Shad, Gomer, and Vee cried in unison.
"NO!" Nicki shouted reproachfully.
"Batpig!" Patamon suggested.
"NO!" Sora cried out.
"Me!" Davis hollered, whipping out his D3.
"No way!" Mimi cried.
"Uh…Mr. Fujiyama?" Yolei suggested weakly.
"Huh?" everyone asked.
"Never mind," she mumbled.
"Sora, please continue whatever emotionless nonsense you have to impart upon us," Lia stated.
"Thanks. I was going to say, this looks like a job for the Digidestined, and unfortunately the cuter half is, well, like that…" Sora pointed to the guys, who were still showering Jun with praise and admiration.
"So what?" Nicki asked.
"I think we need to fight fire with fire," Lia said.
"Doesh thish mean I need to armor digivolve to Flamedramon?" Veemon asked.
"No, I mean we get back at them with a little love power."
"You're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you?" Nicki asked.
"Oh, you bet I am."
"Lia, she thinks you're thinking what I think she thinks you're thinking then I think that this plan needs some more thinking," Yolei rambled.
"What's she thinking?" Mimi asked.
"If it involves Jeff Nimoy or Bob Buchholz, I'm outta here," Wormmon said from behind a mountain of paper chocolate wrappers.
"No, but I was thinking more along the lines of…" and Lia starts whispering, so all you hear is garbled stuff and the occasional "and then we."
"What are you doing? You're not allowed to plan things! You're supposed to stand there and cry!" Archnemon shouted.
"This is why I suggested the giant hairy control spire."
"NO GIANT HAIRY CONTROL SPIRES, BAKA!"
"It'll never work," Yolei whispered loudly, so everyone can hear.
"Would you rather them stay like that?" Kari asked, pointing to the Jun-worshippers over her shoulder.
"Let's get cranking."
So the girls ran around for several minutes, hunting down this and that, while the digimon just kept doing what they've been doing this entire fanfic…nothing, the guys (minus Davis, he's just standing around humming "Little Shop of Horrors" songs) continued Jun-shipping, and Archnemon was teasing Mummymon by humming the "Mummies Alive" theme song incredibly loudly.
A/N: If you've never seen or heard of "Mummies Alive"
be grateful, you didn't miss much.
So, after all that fuss and runaround, (no, we didn't play the song) the girls managed to come up with…
"That ridiculous yellow pineapple laptop? You're going to defeat us with a yellow pineapple laptop? You said love power! Does that not mean something Sailor Moon-ish?" Mummymon shouted.
"Hey! No dissing the pineapple laptop!" Nicki hollered.
The girls logged on, and went to (where else?) fanfiction.net and into the Digimon/romance section.
"Okay, ladies, pick out some good ones," Lia said, cracking her knuckles.
"All Takari fics!" Kari supplied.
"Sorato/Taiora, depends," Sora added. "No Taito."
"Jyouimi (or Mimoe, whatever)," Mimi cried. "Just as long as I get Joe ^_^."
"Um…there's no good pair ups for Izzy!" Nicki frowned. "And if I have to see Mishiro, or Jyoushiro, or anything other than me and Izzy, I'll hurt someone!"
"Frankly, if there's one Matt couple I can tolerate, it's Sorato," Lia mentioned.
"Kenako!" Yolei cried, doing the perfecto sign.
"Um…Kensuke? Or is it Daiken?" Davis mumbled from the corner. There was some feverish typing, some computerish noises, and out of the sky dropped fifty tons of paper, right on top of Archnemon and Mummymon.
"I said love power, and I meant love power ala fanfiction.net digimon romances. That oughta show you never to mess with a pissed off author and her Valentine's Day!" Lia shouted, trying to get Wizardmon to give her the antidote for Love Potion No. 9-laced fruit punch.
~*~
No gory details about how it happened, but all our cute DD's are safely cuddling the girls they are supposed to love…except for Ken and Cody, for various obvious reasons. Jun got sent to a desert island where all lousy and/or cancelled animation is sent. Case in point, Catdog, Action Man (hopefully he'll go soon), Captain Planet, the Avengers for us here in New England, Batman/Superman Adventures, the Big Cartoonie Show, need I continue? And Valentine's Day was saved at the last possible second by several dinner-and-a-movie dates (half of them made by Matt, on his knees, begging for forgiveness). Unfortunately, most of them would have to be rescheduled due to too much sugar on the part of the digimon, so they'd need to be Pepto-Bismol-ified and given a barf bucket. Meanwhile…
"Stupid cookie. When we get out of here those kids will pay."
"Hey Archnemon, I've got a great idea!"
"What?"
"What if we send an evil American dubber after the kids?"
"Tried it. The Japanese versions that get out via Internet solved that problem."
"Oh. Well, what about a giant hairy control spire?"
~*~
Happy
Incredibly Early Valentine's Day!
I know the
ending sucked, but I needed something. Review (no flames) or else your favorite
cute guy DD will get another dose of Love Potion No. 9 and will be a Jun
Worshipper for the rest of his life. Oh, and as for "Meet the Parents," I did
that only because it's the kind of thing that could (and probably would) happen
to me, not because I felt like picking on Yama. I love him very much and it's
out of love that I pick on him so much. Sayonara!