//Don't own twilight, Stephanie does
sorry for 2 many - (,.)//
"I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding onto what im feeling
Savoring the heart that's healing"
Its so hard to breath now it's like im drowning and slowly taking shallow breaths. My dad is worried about me since I was found in the woods, I was so high on that cloud, loving the air, fearing nothing, feeling happiness, joy and most of all, love. I was so caught up in the moment that I never thought that it could end but it did, the fall was so painful, his words cutting me like a knife. I don't know what hurt worse, my heart being ripped from my chest, stepped on and burned to crisp, tearing itself and so on, or the fact that he didn't want me because of my slowness, my humanity.
All of his words have been lies, he never loved me, he never cared, he just toyed with my emotions, my love for him was just a game for him and he won, he had my heart in the end and he crushed it, I could hear it ripping bit by bit, slowly just enough to make me want death, people wouldn't understand what it was like, they think of the pain but not experiencing it.
"Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe"
I was in zombie mode for months, I kept a happy face kept saying that I was fine, I was physically anyways, I looked fine. But inside I was just as sad as before, I wanted everyone else to be okay, to be fine so they would continue their lives happily and joyful while I watched with sad eyes, I wore a mask.
I got better at lying, it was natural now. Every time some one asked if I was okay
I'd reply "yeah"
---FB---
Angela and I walked towards the library and sat down doing homework as usual, it was quiet until she spoke up
"Bella"
"Yeah Ange?" I said while lifting my eyes to meet hers, they held worry and concern, like any other friend
"How are you? Really"
I tried to keep my face composed not surprised by the question, that's the only question people kept asking nowadays. Everyone asked gently like they where testing the waters on the subject and I would reply the same answer
"Yeah Ange , im fine" I said while looking straight into her eyes
"Ok"
She looked satisfied and relieved at my answer, while I work she would glance at me with the corner of her eyes, I was really annoyed but kept my voice in check:
"Really Angela im fine"
--end of FB—
"And so I cry"
After that she didn't ask again, no one else did either. In the day my façade was perfect, no one saw through it but at night I would cry myself to sleep, my mask was off and everything crumbled. Every day I would live a lie, lying to every one, my dad, my friends, sometimes even myself but nothing worked at the end of the day.
"It'll be as is I never existed"
His words echoed my mind over and over again like a broken record, and it hurt more than the last time it played. But he did exist, in my heart, my memories in everyway possible, while in the real world not mine it was as if he never existed, records where gone, his unique smell, oh that scent I loved so much, I miss him, terribly but nothing was going to get him back here with me.
I looked by myself the only place that seemed real to me, our magical place that wasn't tainted with sadness or worry, just happiness and plain us, untouched by humanity and its hand of destruction, our meadow. While I was searching and falling, the only thought was that I had to find it even if it killed me. After what seemed like hours I found it, the wild flowers dancing in the wind, the grass being its partner swayed along with them, to left and right, right and left, the stream bubbled lightly, the trees were like I remembered them creating shade for the little animals that crossed their paths. I laid in the middle, my back resting on the cool surface of the ground, the grass tickling me, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes trying to get this moment remembered forever in my mind.
"My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you"
I must have fallen asleep because when I woke the skies where filled with oranges, pinks, blues, purples, grays and clouds, lots of clouds, oh well storm approaching. I walked back, getting lost a couple of times but made it back, my peace and tranquility staying in the meadow, now back in reality everything just hit me once again, literally. As soon as I walked out of the forest I was hit by rough rain, saying it hurt is a huge understatement. The wind was hard against my skin plus the rain, bonus, in the protection of my Chevy I was wet head to toe, my clothes sticking on my skin, I turned the heater instantly ,surrounded by cold isn't really my piece of pie.
Man the road was slippery, I had to pull over and sleep for the night letting the car on so it wouldn't get cold, I curled into a ball and slept with dreamless slumber. Waiting once again for reality to strike me again as soon as I woke up from this much needed sleep, all I got were nightmares trying to catch him but every time I got close he disappeared.
"My hands are searching for you,
My arms are outstretched towards you,
I feel you on my fingertips"
I felt blackness surrounding me, drowning me into it's depths that were endless, cut off sight, cut off touch, everything.
"I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding onto what im feeling
Savoring the heart that's healing"
When I woke up all I saw was fog, apparently all the rain turned to fog in just hours , disoriented for a couple of seconds and waited for the fog to thin out. While I waited I was lost in my memories each of them replaying themselves…
--FB—
I woke up tired from this great dream, as I sat Indian style I heard a chuckle at the side of my room, looking up I almost fainted , there was Edward in all of his glory in my rocking chair, I sat there frozen until I said:
"Hi"
"Good morning" he answered while smiling
"Umm.." he was still smiling until I asked a very stupid but needing answer question:
"What are you doing in my room?"
"I like watching you sleep" Edward said it softly like if any loud sound might break the atmosphere. I just sat there looking at him mesmerized by his words, his voice sweet like honey, his eyes soft, his body was relaxed and his face was peaceful and there was me on the other hand…I just stared at him, studying his body language while my hair looked like a bush, my clothes wrinkled and my heart was thrumping so fast it was plain embarrassing.
I smiled at him which he returned peaceful until my stomach growled, I blushed, Edward just laughed.
"Breakfast for the human"
--End of FB—
How much my life changed in just months, happy for the moment and lifeless zombie the next, I wanted to be like before happy but my broken heart cant take another blow because then I don't know what I'll do. I want him, I love him and always will no one can change that. But the damage was still there and he doesn't care.
"Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe"
"I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing"
//How was it? //