Warning: Depressing, suicide and Shonen-ai. That's all I
have to say about that.
Blood on Snow
by Melissa
I wonder sometimes.
I know I shouldn't, but my mind is the one in control now. It thinks, and ponders, and keeps me awake at night.
And as weary as I am, I don't mind that sleep doesn't come easily anymore. Or that I am frightened as to what these thoughts are doing to me.
I'm more afraid to dream.
Hamlet was like that too, scared to dream. He was afraid that if he killed himself, he would still not be free of the torment which plagued him. I can't say I blame him. I'm afraid of the same thing.
What if putting a bullet in my skull won't stop the pain? What if I'm condemned for eternity of being tortured by my thoughts?
I hate not knowing. That's probably why I'm hesitating right now.
I've held this gun and pulled the trigger countless numbers of times. The one time that I want to, need to, I can't.
I'm sitting here in my room, on the edge of my bed. It is completely dark, save for the light from the screen of my laptop. I glance in it's direction.
My ever silent companion. It never judges me. That's all I've ever really wanted.
I press the gun to my temple again, and pray for courage.
Quatre was setting the dinner table while Trowa stood in the doorway and watched his every more.
"I'm worried about Heero," the blonde pilot stated simply.
"You worry about everyone," Trowa said with a small smile.
Quatre gazed lovingly at the taller pilot. "I know. I'm concerned about what's going on inside of him. His eyes.....they.....they just look so sad and empty. I wish he would realize that he doesn't have to fight, what ever it is, alone."
Trowa nodded. After a moment, he turned and went into the living room. Duo was lounging in a large chair, reading.
"Duo?"
The Shinigami glanced up from his book. "Hey Trowa. What's up?"
"I was wondering if you might do me a favor?"
"Sure thing. What is it?"
"Would you mind going and talking to Heero? He's been acting different lately and it's concerning Quatre. I believe he would listen to you more than me."
Duo swung his legs around and stood up. Heero's change in attitude had not escaped his notice. He had become more isolated and withdrawn. It concerned Duo as well as Quatre.
"Sure thing, Trowa. I'm on it."
Trowa watched Duo's retreating figure before he returned to Quatre.
Duo walked down the hallway, wondering what he had gotten himself into.
'Heero won't want to talk to me,' Duo thought. 'Hell, Heero doesn't like to talk at all.'
In his heart, Duo was hoping that the Japanese pilot would talk to him. Share what was going on behind that stone mask. Perhaps what he wanted even more was to take Heero in his arms and never let him go.
The God of Death was in love with The Perfect Soldier.
He had spent a long time trying to convince himself otherwise. That it was a silly little crush, or just a phase. It wasn't though. It was anything but.
Duo wanted nothing more than to tell Heero how he really felt, but he was so afraid how Heero might react.
"What's the worst that could happen?" Duo asked himself.
'He could kill you,' a voice inside answered. 'Besides, he's got Relena.'
Duo sighed slightly as he reached his destination. The voice did have a point. He would just have to settle for being Heero's friend. Even if it was killing Duo on the inside.
He stood outside the door and put his hand on the knob. Duo gave it a slight turn, expecting it to be locked. It wasn't, and the door gave way. Duo stumbled into the darkened room.
As he straightened himself up, what he saw made his blood run cold.
I glanced up and saw the braided pilot half stumble into my room. I mentally cursed myself for not locking the door.
Duo stared at me, wide eyed. I still had the gun pointed at my head. There was no use in hiding it, he had all ready seen.
"What are you doing?" he asked, mouth gaped open in shock.
"It seems kind of obvious, don't you think?"
Without turning around, he reached behind him and pushed the door shut. It plunged the room back into almost complete darkness.
"Heero....," he started. I cut him off.
"Duo, you shouldn't be here. You should go."
"So you can blow your brains out? I don't think so." His gaze was steely.
"This doesn't concern you. You couldn't possibly understand what it's like." I needed to get him out of there, I was swiftly losing my resolve.
The light from the computer screen illuminated the hurt evident on his face. "Why?? Why would you do this??"
"Why not? I've reached a point where I just don't care anymore."
"I care! I've always cared about what happens to you! I love you, damn it!"
The instant the words were said, his hand flew up and covered his mouth. It was no use though, they had escaped. I always had the suspicion that Duo cared about me more than he let on. Now I had verification.
"And do you have any idea how much I wish that you didn't?" That wasn't really true. But if he didn't care, there would be nothing left to hold me to this life. I could finally leave.
The look on his face was one as if I had slapped him.
"You....you wish I didn't care about you?"
I nodded slowly. I believe he was more shocked that I wasn't frightened or disgusted by his admission. Perhaps I would have been a long time ago, but time has changed me. I spent such a long time denying who I really was. I can't do it anymore. I love him.
"Your presence in my life.....it was precisely that fact that kept me from killing myself the first time." It wasn't an easy admission for me to make.
I could tell what I said hurt him. Although he didn't say anything right away, I could see it in his eyes. There was no way around it. I was risking both his wrath and hate. Both would subside given time, being replaced with sadness and tears. He'll never understand. And for that I am truly sorry. You can only know someone as much as they let you. As much as I love him, I just couldn't let him in. I'd hurt him too much all ready.
"F-first t-time?" he stuttered at last.
I smiled sadly. "What do the colors red and white remind you of, Duo?"
He was confused by the question and sudden change in topic. "Um, candy canes I suppose......and roses. Why do you ask? What do those colors remind you of?"
"Blood on snow." I paused for a moment, collecting my thoughts. "Every time I see those colors, I am reminded of what almost happened."
He crossed the room and took perch on the wooden chair by my desk. His eyes never left me for a moment as he waited for me to continue.
"Do you remember about a month ago? When we had that huge snow storm and we were practically trapped in here for a few days?"
Duo nodded, his eyes gleaming with unshed tears.
I placed the gun I was holding down on the edge of the bed. Duo visibly relaxed as I did so. I continued my story.
"I had reached a point in my life where I thought it just wasn't worth it anymore. In my 15 years in this lifetime, I have seen more and done more than most people would in ten lifetimes. I'm was.....I am.....so damn tired. All I want to do is rest."
"We're all tired of fighting, Heero. I know just as well as you how taxing it becomes on the body and soul. We can rest soon, when this all over."
"You don't understand. It'll never be over, Duo. I will never be able to know peace while I breathe. Only when I close my eyes forever."
He shuddered slightly. "What happened a month ago?" he asked.
"I guess you could say I came to a resolution. I would spend more nights than I care to remember sitting on my bed and staring at my knife. Pondering what it would be like to separate my skin and let my life flow out. That particular night, I decided to find out."
Duo seemed to be putting it together. "That's the time you decided to go out into the storm."
"Yes. You and the others tried to stop me. Surprise, surprise that I didn't listen. I grabbed my jacket and left. I remember stepping out of the safe house and the cold air assaulted the bare skin of my face. I walked around the side, where it offered me some protection from the wind. I remember sitting in a snow bank and leaning against the wall. I watched the snow flakes dance for a little while. It was serene almost,.....and ironic. The 'perfect soldier' would not have a glorious death on the battlefield, but rather take his life by his own hands." I stopped and swallowed hard. "I took the knife out of the sheath on my belt and slowly rolled up the sleeves of my jacket. I hissed as the cold steel met warm flesh. The blade was sharp, and it did hurt, but no where as much as it could have. My life spilled out in a red gush as I cut my other wrist. I slumped back against the wall. I felt so groggy. The last thing I remember seeing was my blood staining the pure, white snow."
"We.....I was worried when you didn't come back that night...."
"Well, I wasn't planning on coming back at all. It seems that I couldn't even kill myself properly though. I awoke the next morning to the warm sensation of the sun streaming down upon me. I was almost completely covered in snow, and frozen. I lifted up my arms to look at them. They were covered in dried blood and the wounds had closed. I stood up slowly and took some snow in my hands. I squeezed it and when it melted a little, I rubbed it on my wounds. When I had succeeded in getting most of the blood off, I returned to house. I went to the bathroom and stripped out of my soaked clothing. I stepped into the shower and let scalding water beat down on me. The whole time I cried while I remembered."
Duo's eyes widened.
"Didn't think I was capable of crying, did you?"
He signaled no by shaking his head.
"I felt something inside of me break, and I couldn't keep the tears from coming anymore. All those years of training and conditioning, suddenly abandoned me. I felt so alone."
Duo got up from the chair, came over and sat next to me. I thought for a brief moment that he might try to take the gun, but he made no movement for it.
"Heero, I meant what I said before. I love you. And if you do this, it'll hurt me more than you could ever imagine."
'And if I don't do this, I'll end up hurting you more than you can ever imagine,' I thought.
Silence wrapped itself around us for awhile.
My lips quirked up into a half smile. "Ai shiteru, Duo," I whispered.
Duo's brow furrowed. His japanese was rusty and he did not know what I had said.
"I don't understand......"
I raised my left hand, placed it on the back of his neck and brought his face to mine. I kissed him.
I felt him go rigid from the shock. It lasted only a moment and then his body seemed to melt into mine.
He never noticed my right hand reach down and pick up the gun.
I broke the kiss and stared at him. He sighed and stared dreamily at me with those violet eyes.
I gripped the gun tighter as I felt a tear trace it's way down my cheek.
"Forgive me," I pleaded as I brought the gun up to my head and fired.
Duo didn't know what was happening before it was too late. As the gun discharged, he screamed.
Blood was splattered everywhere, even on Duo. He could do nothing but sit there and look at Heero's now prone form on the bed. Heero's stare was blank, his soul gone. Tears streamed down Duo's cheeks.
It was mere seconds before the other pilots burst into the room. They were all horrified by what they saw. Quatre quickly went to Duo and lead him away. They didn't get very far before Duo's legs simply went out from under him. Quatre lowered both of them to the floor, and held him while he cried.
Wufei closed his eyes and shook his head, mumbling something about injustice. He left quietly to call an ambulance.
Trowa walked over to the closet and rummaged around for a moment. He soon emerged carrying a sheet. After unfolding it, he gently laid it over Heero's body. After doing so, he merely leaned against the wall, eyes transfixed on Duo.
Quatre gently rocked Duo back and forth, trying desperately to comfort the Deathscythe pilot.
"I....I tried.....t-to stop him...." Duo said through choked sobs.
The small Arabian pilot was now also crying.
Duo took several deep breaths to try and calm himself enough to ask a question. After awhile he spoke.
"Do either of you know what 'Ai shiteru' means?" Duo asked through a still continuous stream of tears.
Trowa blinked a couple of times and looked at him with glassy eyes. "It means, 'I love you.'"
Duo turned slightly and stared at the covered up form on the bed.
Red was spreading it's way across the white cloth.
Just like blood on snow.
The End
More Author's Notes: I apologize. I'll probably be removing it
soon. Even so, I would still like to know what you thought of it.
Until next time.
"I didn't believe in fate. I do now, to a certain extent. We might have
independent thought and can make our own decisions, but we're still largely
controlled (or limited) by the world around us. However, if you look at
it from a different light, you'd realize that YOU might be someone else's
fate. You might be the one determinant that controls the life of someone
else."