This kiss was different. I had almost missed that frightened hesitation from before Emily and I had gotten together; the challenge in our eyes, daring the other person to make the first move, but really the dare was hiding apprehension, the fear of rejection. Every kiss Emily and I have shared since we got together had been anything but hesitant, always comforting or seductive or stolen, or a mixture of the three with a dash of a thousand other words, but never hesitant. Everything with Emily felt right.
And that's why this was wrong.
"Naomi wait!" A voice called after me, but I was already out of the train, sprinting, shoving, doing all I could to get away from her. Her footsteps faded but I couldn't stop running. The air was thick and cold in my throat, and my heart was thudding violently in my chest. I couldn't breathe anymore, and instantly cursed myself for my smoking habit. But I couldn't help it, I had to run, had to distance myself, had to go.
I was at least a twenty minutes walk from my house but that didn't matter, I was only ten from Emily's, the one place I had to be.
I stopped minding the puddles and just plowed through them, my shoes filled with water as well as my eyes. Fucking puddles. Fucking Bristol weather and it's shitty timing. Fucking me and my shitty timing.
"Bloody fucking hell!" I screamed as my foot hit a submerged brick and I fell face first on the asphalt. I stood up and did a quick spot check. I defintely would have bruises onmy knees and my left arm was scraped pretty bad. My clothes were soaked to the skin and my sodding phone was probably ruined, but I wiped the rain off my face and kept running. My foot was throbbing and I honestly felt like this, this right here was a fucking nightmare; sprinting and hurtling and suffering and feeling like I would never get to where I was going or far enough away from where I'd been. Or maybe it'd be never getting back to Emily.
I had spent enough of my life running away, away from her, away from everyone. I was always terrified that if I let them catch up with me, I'd spend the rest of my life watching them walk away. But then there was Emily. She was the first person that had ever chased me. At first I ran, and I ran like hell. But then, JJ and Katie tripped me and Effy cheered me on and finally I just, I let her in. And at first our relationship was a lot of catching our breath; me getting used to being with her and her realizing I wasn't running away. And then we just tried to keep pace, but Emily started moving faster and I got off-track. So here I am now, for the first time, not chasing or fleeing but running to.
And I kept running and didn't dare stop, practically skidding to a halt on their doorway and slamming my hand into the door so hard I think I heard a crack.
There was a faint voice in my head reminding me that Jenna was at Emily's house; Jenna and Katie and her warped little perv of a brother and her Dad and oh fuck Emily. I had no clue what I was going to say or do or tell her or-
"Naomi?" Emily asked, obviously taken aback by my disheveled appearance, both in looks and in my actual showing up at her house. I had made some stupid, flimsy excuse for why I couldn't see her today and had been pretty rude about it. But yet, here I was. And here she was in that damn purple v-neck JJ gave her and wrapped in a navy blue blanket that dragged on the floor.
I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat. I collapsed in her arms, buried my face in her neck and began to sob. If I hadn't been crying I would've smiled at the way she wrapped her arms around me, enveloping me in her blanket cocoon.
"Oh God, Naoms are you okay?" She murmured, the worry evident in her voice. She stroked my hair and placed sweet, soothing kisses on my shoulder. After a few minutes of this she pulled away, tugging on my arm "For Christ's sake, come inside." I remained firmly in place with my eyes locked on the door step. "Everyone is out but me, come on." I finally let her lead me into the living room and onto the brown leather couch. "I'll get some tea, stay here." It felt really weird being in Emily's house, I'd only ever been there twice; once when I tried to see her and ran into Jenna, and another time when she busted her knee whilst drunk off her ass and Katie threatened to tell her parents it was my fault if I didn't grow a pair and carry Emily home. Luckily, as in praise the fucking lord, her parents were chaperoning James' class trip and weren't there.
"Are you going to tell me what this is about?" Emily asked as she returned with two cups of tea and a towel. I shrugged. She sat down next to me, putting the tea on the coffee table, and started again. "Naomi,"
I finally looked up and realized how freaked out I had made her. Her eyes were full of concern, a me-sized water stain covered her shirt, she was frowning anxiously and had worry lines on her forehead.
Then suddenly, her tongue darted out to wet her lips. I could tell she was about to speak but I couldn't help myself. I crashed my lips onto hers and pushed us down onto the couch, eliciting a cute little shocked gasp from Emily. I had to be closer, I needed her closer, and now. I knotted one hand in her hair and slid my tongue across her bottom lip, my other hand slipping down her stomach. She shivered under my touch and I moved my hand to the small of her back, pulling her impossibly closer. I slid my hand back to her stomach and began pushing up the offending purple shirt.
"Naoms." She whispered, pulling away just slightly, her eyes boring into mine, obviously searching. "What is this?"
"Well, I'm trying to take your shirt off but-"
"Naomi!" She groaned and I kissed her forehead, trying to rid her off the worry lines, before I shifted so I was lying on my side next to her.
"Sorry, I was just nearby and I missed you." She tried not to smile but I saw the corners of her mouth twitch.
"Hon, you just showed up drenched on my doorstep, as in at my house, after being kind of a bitch this morning, sobbing and then you start snogging me. I'm just getting kind of mixed signals here." She kidded and poked me in the ribs. Her smile dropped when she realized I wasn't giggling. "What happened?"
"You're going to get mad." I warned and she rolled her eyes.
"Look, babes, I love you. You can tell me anything."
"Fine. I went to an open day," I felt Emily stiffen beside me. "Look I know we've been discussing going traveling next year, but I want... I want to keep my options open, okay? All I could think about on the train ride to Goldsmiths was how terrified I am, okay Ems? I'm terrified, because I don't want to completely put my life on hold and then something happen to us and I'm left with no uni, no plans and fucking hell, no you. So I went to a stupid fucking open day."
"Well," She swallowed. "Did you like it?" She murmured, leave it to Ems to ask if I fucking enjoyed my betrayal.
"Sure Emily, I don't know I was too busy bloody worrying about how mad you'd be to even concentrate, not to mention that fucking-" I suddenly felt a rising nausea just thinking about the second crime I had to confess to.
"What? That fucking what?" She asked, her face unreadable.
"Girl. There was a girl." I muttered and her eyes narrowed, I couldn't tell if she was angry or hurt.
"A girl." She repeated in monotone, and turned onto her back, her eyes burning holes in the ceiling. I wanted to reach out to her but I knew I should keep my hands to myself.
"She was there for the open day too, she goes to Roundview, her name is Sophia. We were in the same group for the tour." I explained. Emily exhaled as if to say 'Go on.' "Anyway, we talked and she was on the same train back." I saw Emily's jaw tighten.
"So did you fuck her?" The sharpness of her tone took me completely off guard and I was hurt she thought I was capable of that.
"No! Do you really think I'd shag some random girl behind your back?" I countered, the pain evident in my voice.
"Thought her name was Sophia." She quipped, with a pointed glance. I stood up so she would have to look at me, but she still avoided my stare. I huffed and in a flash straddled her and grabbed her hands, restraining her gently.
"Look," She averted her eyes. "Hey!" She snapped to attention, her annoyance and hurt obvious. "We sat together on the train, I was telling her about you and how you want to go traveling and how I was scared and she was complaining about her parents and how they don't support her art and and she started crying and I held her hand to comfort her and she took it the wrong way and she kissed me. I immediately pulled back and left the train at the next stop. Then I ran all the way from the train station to here and I'm so sorry Emily." I could tell she was trying to take it all in but I could tell from her face she was stuck on the fact that Sophia had kissed me.
"How was it." Her voice completely flat.
"What?"
"The kiss." Her eyes flamed.
"It was shit, Emily. Utter shit, it wasn't right because it wasn't you, okay? This-" I leant down and kissed her passionately, she responded but I can tell she's holding back. "is the only kiss that makes me feel anything. I've shagged other people, I've snogged other people, but none of it has made me feel even a fraction of what I feel when I kiss you. Even when you don't kiss me back." That got me a small smile which I know is a restrained huge grin.
Then the smile faded and Emily's cheeks flushed. Her eyes looked up at me, embarrassed and sad.
"So you still... You know... Love me then?" She asked, in the tentative voice that makes me feel so fucking guilty from all the times I rejected or left or hurt her.
"I love you so much that it fucking makes me crazy, Ems."
"Same could be said for you, Ms. Campbell, same for you." And she finally lifted her head up to kiss me.