I Am Okay.
FlorMorada
I do NOT own Victorious.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Firstly, to those of you waiting on my other story, Caterina Valentine: My Life, I'm sorry, so sorry. I will update, okay? I have every intention to finish that story; I love my ideas and I want to complete that story. But it might not be for a while. I have… a lot going on.
And also, this, I Am Okay, won't really have a point. It's a vent, more than anything. It started off as a fandomless poem, but I decided to relate it to Victorious so I could feel the satisfaction of actually venting it onto something (Fanfiction). So, this oneshot, although it's about Cat… it's about me. Yeah.
Enjoy.
NOTE:
'This writing' is just normal, I guess; Jade centred third person.
'This writing' is Cat's mind.
…
Jade stared at her friend across the table, just watching the red-haired girl. She couldn't help but laugh a little as she watched Cat's eyes follow the steam arising from her caramel macchiato. On a regular circumstance, Jade would have never have given the girl the choice of ordering a coffee – Cat's already hyperactive nature made coffee, or caffeine in any other form, in fact, a definite no. However, Jade had noticed that over the past few weeks, not only had Cat's hyperactivity been toned down on more than one level, but her attitude and overall demeanour seemed slightly 'off'. With a life filled mainly with negativity herself (constant verbal abuse from her mother, the pressure of never rising successfully enough for her father, etc.), Jade had tried several different ways of finding a way to cope – a relationship with coffee being the most successful. Perhaps giving Cat the chance to try the drink, Jade thought, would shake her from her mood, at least slightly.
Fashion was no big deal to the girl; clothes were clothes: 'you either wore them or you didn't', but Jade knew that style was of significant importance to Cat. So, staring at her friend once more, taking in her boring scraped ponytail, long, dark tank top, black skirt and completely un-accessorised self, Jade couldn't help but feel slightly concerned. Cat's personality matched the always there, always joyous smile on her face; bright sundresses and floral print skirts being part of that personality, so, her dark clothing, the polar opposite, was consequently strange.
Cat had been quite reserved for the past few weeks also; the only stories she'd told about her slightly abnormal brother had been completely un-disturbing – boring, even. In fact, the girl had pretty much been silent for the entire week, apart from answering Sikowitz's questions in class. Jade was really beginning to worry about her.
Cat's family did have a history of mental health problems (her brother's obviously very apparent) and the redhead had mentioned having bipolar disorder, once or twice. Jade wondered if her current mood was reflective on that. Although, she was aware that the disorder caused mood swings that were significantly frequenter, and Cat's mood had only changed in the last few weeks; these weren't normality, her mood swings. So, Jade also wondered if, instead, she could be going through some sort of… depression. Cat's (apart from recently, obviously), smile and laughter made this very hard for Jade to muse on, however; Cat was a happy person! Cats, they did not… 'get depressed'!
They should not be in different, bad, moods, either.
Jade coughed slightly, stealing Cat's attention from her macchiato's water vapour patterns. She smiled at her, though concern was evident in her light blue eyes.
"Cat," she asked quietly, "are you okay?"
…
I am the girl full of laughs,
The girl whose mouth is never not smiles,
The girl whose face is bright,
Whose expression is cheerful,
…The girl who is always happy.
I am okay.
I am the girl, who does not cry,
Except, from laughter,
Or tears of joy.
The girl who's never sad,
Never tearful,
Never feeling down.
At all.
I am okay.
I am the girl to pick up the pieces
Of grief, of sadness,
Of hurt.
Never wanted,
Always needed;
The girl to fix others' problems,
Any day.
I am okay.
I am the girl who is 'always happy',
In all that she says,
All that she does.
But what has never been realized
Is that I'm not just that girl…
I am an actress too.
I am the girl; I am the actress,
Who has to wear a mask;
A laugh to hide her pain,
A smile to hide her hurt,
A long-sleeved shirt;
The girl who hides her scars.
The girl who sits at home,
And cries
About life,
And her forever broken heart.
I am the girl, who is lost,
Who is alone,
Who falls asleep each night,
With dry blood on her wrists,
Wet tears on her face,
Hoping, the next day,
Please, not to wake.
I am the girl, who is confused,
Disorientated,
Who does not feel alive.
The girl who cuts herself,
To feel something,
Not the nothingness shit she is trapped in.
I am the girl with thoughts trapped inside her,
Locked, suffocating her,
Causing pain.
The girl who thinks, 'God, why not die?
I'd feel this nothingness just the same.'
…So, am I okay?
You ask the girl, all the time,
Everyday.
I could give you an answer,
But can't you hear it her voice?
See it in her eyes?
Read it on her face?
Just silence her laughs,
Close her smile,
Unfasten each bracelet,
Roll up her sleeves,
Look into her eyes….
Realise the 'the' girl is an 'a' girl;
'A' girl you've never truly met.
Then ask me if I'm okay.
…
"Cat? Cat?" Jade shook her friend's shoulder a little, bringing her back to the reality she realised Cat'd obviously taken herself from. For over ten minutes now, she'd been awaiting Cat's answer,and it was scaring Jade slightly, that she was silent and unmoving.
"Cat," she said again, "I asked if you're okay!"
Jade couldn't help but smile as soon as she saw her friend with the exact same expression, Cat evidently in focus again. The redhead's smile did look a little insincere, Jade mused, but nevertheless, she was smiling. 'Of course she's smiling', Jade thought to herself, 'Cat is a happy person'!
"So, are you okay, Cat?" she asked for a final time.
A single tear slipped down Cat's cheek, but she wiped it away without it even being noticed. Underneath the table, running a finger across a scar on her wrist, Cat only beamed at her best friend.
"Of course, Jade," she whispered quietly.
…
Of course I'm not okay.
…
…I'll never fucking be okay.
FlorMorada.