Author's Note:
This is based on the comedy routine of Abbott and Costello. If you have read or watched this routine before then you already know the drill with the joke. I chose these two characters because I like them and I felt that this would be something fun to do with them. But I did chance a little bit of the wording so that Itachi and Shisui are still in character. Don't take this seriously. This is just to get a good laugh with a comedic routine that plays with words. Enjoy. :)
In case of confusion here's a list of the names of the player's name and where they are.
First Base - Who
Second Base - What
Third Base - I Don't Know
Left Field - Why
Pitcher - Tomorrow
Catcher - Today
Center Field - Because
Shortstop - I Don't Give a Darn
It was a hot day in the Konoha village and two young Uchiha boys were sitting lazily in the gardens of the Uchiha district. They were discussing the organization of a baseball team. Due to it being a family game Itachi was the manager and Shisui wanted to join his team. Shisui approached Itachi earlier that day to inform his cousin that he wanted to know the names of the players of the team so he could get to know his teammates.
Shisui laid back in his chair lazily as he sipped his water. "Hey Itachi, if you're in charge you must know all the players."
Itachi nodded. "I certainly do."
"Well you know I've never met the guys. So you're gonna have to tell me their names, so I can say hello to them."
"Of course, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players very peculiar names."
Shisui raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
Itachi nodded. "Quite. You know strange names, pet names...like" Itachi paused and frowned as he remembered one of the strange names he heard. "Stinky Field."
Shisui laughed. "Stinky Field"
Itachi continued. "Goofè Dean."
Shisui interrupted. "Booby Bobber."
Itachi let out a quite laugh and nodded. "Yes. That too."
"Yeah I know all those names."
Itachi glanced at his cousin and decided to get on with it. "Well let's see, we have on our team; Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third-"
Shisui interrupted. "That's what I want to find out. The guys' names."
Itachi was about to continue but paused for a minute. "Hmm?"
Shisui frowned and repeated. "That's what I want to find out, the guy's names."
Itachi paused for a moment and looked at Shisui before continuing. "I am telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third."
Shisui thought Itachi wasn't taking this seriously so he asked. "Are you gonna be the manager of the baseball team?"
"Yes."
Shisui wasn't sure about asking Itachi again but he did anyway. "You know the guy's names?"
"I should."
"Well then, tell me the guy's names on the baseball team."
Itachi sighed. He really hated repeating himself but answered his cousin's question for a third time calmly and slowly so Shisui could follow. "Who's on first. What's on second. I Don't Know is on third."
Shisui scowled. "You haven't said anything to me yet, go ahead and tell me."
PAUSE
It was Itachi's turn to scowl. "I am telling you."
Shisui shook his head. "No, you haven't said anything yet, so go ahead and tell me."
"Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third."
PAUSE
"Itachi, do you know the guy's names on the baseball team?"
"Yes."
Shisui nodded as he took another sip of his water. "Well go ahead, who's on first?"
"Yes."
Shisui frowned. Was Itachi giving him a hard time on purpose? "I mean the guy's name."
"Who."
"The guy playing first."
"Who."
Shisui's eyebrow started to twitch. "The guy playing first base."
"Who."
"The guy on first base."
Itachi sighed. "Who is on first!"
Shisui flinched at Itachi's tone. "What are you asking me for? I don't know."
Itachi narrowed his eyes. "Now wait a minute, I am not-"
"I'm asking YOU who's on first."
Itachi nodded. "That is his name."
"Well go ahead and tell me."
"Who."
"The guy on first."
"That is it."
PAUSE
Itachi confirmed. "That is his name."
Shisui shook his head. "Well, you haven't said anything. I didn't ask ya nothing."
Itachi stared at Shisui. "You did."
"You know the guy's name on first base?"
"Yes."
"Well then tell me the guy's name on first base."
"Who."
PAUSE
Shisui's eyebrow was twitching. His grip on his glass was beginning to harden. "The guy playing first base!"
"Who is on first, Shisui!"
"What are you asking me for?!"
Itachi sighed as he tried to calm his agitated cousin. "Please do not get excited. I'm saying-"
"Dude, I'm asking you a simple question. Who's on first?"
"Yes."
"Tell me."
"That is it."
"That's who?"
"Yes."
PAUSE
"I'm asking you, what's the guy's name on first base?"
Itachi's eyes widened and he quickly shook his head. "No, no. What is on second."
Shisui frowned. "I'm not asking you who's on second."
Itachi shook his head again. "Who is on first."
Shisui slammed his glass on the ground. "One base at a time now!"
"Shisui, don't mix up-"
"I'm not mixing anybody! Now what's the guy's name on first base."
"No, What is on second."
"I'm not asking you who's on second."
"Who is on first."
"I don't know."
Itachi looked at Shisui questionably. "He is on third, we are not talking about him."
Shisui blinked and began to wave his hands motioning for Itachi to stop. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. How could I get on third base?"
"You mentioned his name."
"I mentioned his name?"
"Yes."
"I don't know anybody's name on the team. I-" Shisui thought for a moment and then continued. "How could I mention a guy's name?"
"You did, you just mentioned it."
"Alright, what's the guy's name on third base?"
"No, What is on second."
"Who's on second?"
Itachi shook his head for the umpteenth time that day. "Who is on first."
"I don't know."
"He is on third."
Shisui slapped his forehead. "See what I mean!"
PAUSE
Shisui stared at Itachi in disbelief. "I didn't even mention the guy's name on third base!"
"Yes you did, Shisui."
"Alright then, who's playing third base?
"No, Who is on first."
"I'm not asking you what's on first."
"What is on second."
"Who's on second?"
"Who is on first."
"I don't know."
They both answered. "Third base."
PAUSE
Shisui sighed. "At this rate, I won't know anybody on the baseball team."
"Yes, you will. You mentioned their names."
Shisui scratched his head. "I did?"
"Yes."
Deciding it was time to be moving on, Shisui asked. "Look, you gotta outfield?"
Itachi nodded. "Naturally."
"The left fielder's name?"
"Why."
PAUSE
Shisui stared at Itachi. "Uh . . ."
Itachi raised an eyebrow at Shisui. "What?"
Shisui looked away and shrugged. "I just thought I'd ask you."
"Well, I just thought I'd tell you."
"Well go ahead and tell me."
Itachi frowned. "Tell you what?"
"The left fielder's name."
"Why."
Shisui slapped his face. "Because I want to know! Because!"
"Ah, he is center field." Itachi smiled. "You see? You know these players as well as I do."
"Who's on center field?"
"Who is playing first."
"What's on first?"
"What is on second."
"I don't know."
They both nodded. "Third base!"
PAUSE
Shisui moaned. "Do you know the guy's names on the team?"
Itachi sighed. "Shisui, you do not seem to understand. I have a first baseman-"
"You got one? I'm asking you what's the first baseman's name?"
Itachi gave his cousin the famous Uchiha glare. "No, What is the second baseman's name."
"I'm gonna stop asking you, so I ask you what's the first baseman's name?"
"What is the second baseman's name."
Shisui rubbed is forehead. "I don't even get past the fir- alright, who's on second."
"Who is on first."
"What base do you want to talk about?!" Shisui yelled.
"We can talk about anyone you want to talk about." Itachi answered quietly.
"Fine, who's on first?"
"Correct."
Shisui twitched. "Ok."
PAUSE
Staring at Itachi Shisui decided to change tactics. "Alright, you got a first baseman?"
"Yes."
"When you pay off the first baseman every month who gets the money?"
Itachi nodded. "Every dollar of it."
PAUSE
"Every dollar of it." Itachi confirmed.
"Who gets it?"
"He does. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it."
"Whose wife?"
"Yes."
PAUSE
Itachi tilted his head. "Why not Shisui? He earned it."
"Who's earned it?"
"Yes."
PAUSE
"Look, when you pay off the first baseman. You get a receipt from the guy?"
"Yes."
"How does he sign his name?"
"Who."
"The guy you give the money to."
"Who."
"The guys you give the money to."
Itachi raised an eyebrow. "That is how he signs it Shisui."
"That's how who signs it?"
"Yes."
"Well go ahead and tell me."
"That's it"
"Who?"
"Who."
PAUSE
Okay. Time for another tactic. "Look, when you go to the first baseman . . ."
"Yes."
"You say to him 'Here's your money, sign the receipt.' How does he sign his name?"
"Who."
"The guy you give the money to."
"That is how he signs it."
"That's how who signs it?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
PAUSE
Shisui couldn't take it anymore. "You gotta get a receipt from the guy!"
"I shall get one Shisui!"
"How does the guy on first base sign his name?"
"Who!"
"The guy on first."
"That is how he signs it."
"I'm asking you, when you give the guy the money what's the guy's name that you give the money to?"
Itachi shook his head. "Now wait a minute. What signs his own."
"Who signs his own?"
"No, Who signs his."
PAUSE
"I mean what's the guy's name on first you giv-"
Itachi interrupted. "What is on second."
Shisui growled. "I'm not asking you who's on second!"
"Who is on first!"
"I don't know!"
They both sighed. "Third base."
PAUSE
Shisui sighed. Time to move on. "You got a pitcher on the team?"
"Of course. How can we have a fine team without a pitcher?"
"What's the pitcher's name?"
"Tomorrow."
Confused, Shisui was too speechless to respond. ". . . uh."
Sensing his confusion, Itachi replied. "I cannot change their names Shisui."
"You don't want to tell me today?"
Now it was Itachi's turn to be confused. "I am telling you."
"Then go ahead. Tell me the pitcher's name."
"Tomorrow."
"Why not tell me today! I am not-"
"I am telling you, Tomorrow."
"Then tell me the pitcher's name."
"Tomorrow!"
"Alright, what time tomorrow you telling me the pitcher's name?"
Itachi frowned as he had no clue as to what his cousin was talking about. "What?"
"What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?"
Itachi's eyebrow began to twitch. "Who is not pitching."
"I'll break your arm if you say whose on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?"
"What is on second."
"I don't know."
They both responded. "Third base!"
PAUSE
"Gotta a catcher?"
"Certainly."
"The catcher's name?"
"Today."
"Today? Today's catching and tomorrow's pitching."
Itachi smiled. Finally. "Now you have got it."
Shisui let out a frustrated sigh. "Now I got it? All we got is a couple of days on the team!"
"You know I cannot help that."
"You know I'm a catcher too."
Itachi nodded. "And so they tell me."
"I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team right?"
"Yes."
"Now Tomorrow, he winds up at the ball behind the plate and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball and Tomorrow's gonna throw the ball I'm the catcher. And when he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to Who."
Itachi let out a breath of relief. "Now that is the first thing you have said right."
Shisui groaned. "I don't even know what I'm talking about!"
PAUSE
"That is all you have to do!" Reassured Itachi.
"Is to throw the ball to first base?"
"Yes!"
"Now who's got it?"
"Naturally."
"Sure."
Shisui paused. Did he get that right? Just to be sure . . . "Look, the guy is heading to first base and I want to throw the guy out. So I throw the ball to who?"
"Naturally."
"Throw it to who?"
"Naturally."
"And who's got it?"
"Naturally."
Shisui lifted his eyebrow. "Huh, so I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally."
Itachi quickly shook his head. "No, you don't." He sighed as he suppressed the urge to rub his forehead. "You throw to first base and Who gets it."
"Naturally."
"Correct. Now you have got it."
Shisui scowled at Itachi. "Same thing. I pick up the ball so I throw it to Naturally."
Itachi mentally slapped his forehead. He was this close to strangling his cousin. He slowly took a deep breath. "No. You do not."
"I throw it to who?"
"Naturally."
Shisui tsked. "That's what I'm saying!"
"Shisui, you are not saying it."
"I'll say I throw the ball to who?"
"Naturally."
"You ask me."
"You throw the ball to Who."
"Naturally. Same as you!"
"You are not saying that!"
"So I throw the ball to Naturally."
Itachi's eyebrow twitched. "You don't! You throw it to Who!"
"Now who's got it?"
They both said in unison. "Naturally."
"That's what I said. Whoever it is better get it!"
"Do not worry about Who, he will get it." Itachi reassured.
"He'd better get it!" Shisui growled.
PAUSE
"Now I throw the ball to Who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow. Triple play."
Itachi nodded. "Could be."
"Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!"
"What?"
"I said I don't give a darn!"
"Oh, that is our shortstop."
(more endless twitching)