Disclaimer: I Don't Own Robin Hood or any of the "famous people" mentioned in here.
Once upon a time, there was a Holladay Inn Cleaning Technician named Eleanor, a man named Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels, who was the lead singer in a small band called "Robin Daniels and his Band of Merrily Musical Moronic Men" (the M&M&M&M's for short). In this band there was a drummer: Ringer Starre, two secondary vocalists: Melvis Parsley and Bryan Naddams; a composer/piano player: Elwood John; two guitarists: Jimmi Endrix and Eric Klackten; a saxophone player: Phil Clinton; and a stand-up comic (though why a band needs one is anybody's guess): Billy Crisco. Together (eventually), Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels and the M&M&M&M's would join the IRS's fight against the evil Mayor of the County of Rotten Spam, City of Sure Would Forest, state of Wisconsin.
Actually, we're not sure that this place even exits, because we couldn't find it on any state maps, but this IS a Fairy Tale, after all. Well, sort of…
But first, some background! That's always important in a story like this, right?
Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels was dubbed "Prince of Dweebs" in high school because he did the announcements every morning at the end of period one, was in the School Coral and Choir, was president of the Boys Glee Club, the Chess Team, was a champion at D&D and liked mayonnaise on his ice cream. Yeah, it's sick, but he's just so White 'n' Nerdy (apologies to Weird Al)... Anyway, after high school, Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels spent two years in a community college taking Accounting/Business Management 101.
There he met Eleanor Grigby who was (not so affectionately) known as "Maid Carrion" because she works for the Holladay Inn just down the street as a member of their cleaning staff, and she has never been seen without make-up on. Even in the shower. Rumour has it that she looks super ugly with no make-up and combined with a nose shaped like a vulture's beak, they say she has a face not even a vulture could love. Incidentally, she won the "Ugliest Woman in Wisconsin" award eight years in a row, but lost last year to the Duchess Of Cornwall, who was in fact just visiting from England at the time, though the Duchess officially denies this fact claiming it was a celebrity look-alike. Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels opened up his own small business after graduating and called it "Robins Doughnuts and Tuck Shop Truck Stop" and married his one true love (the only girl to dance with him at senior prom and even then, only as a bet), Eleanor "Maid Carrion" Grigby, and they lived happily ever after despite the fact the she wasn't exactly chaste or virginal…
For two months anyway.
That's when his business collapsed, he went broke, and Eleanor left him for another woman - Robin's sister Julia. Turns out the only thing Robin's Doughnuts were good for were paper weights and eventually the market for doughnut-shaped paperweights dried up and Robin's Doughnuts and Tuck Shop Truck Stop ended up haemorrhaging Red Ink through the eyes. It was incredibly nasty. Red ink got on everything to the point that even the Repo Man didn't want anything to do with it and told Robin to sell his old Chevy Nova on eBay and just send him the money and said that apparently, Robin should have invested in a cooking course too.
So, Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels committed suicide. Unfortunately, after spending what seemed like an eternity in line, God sent a messenger to tell him to go back, saying that the Evil Mayor of Rotting Ham was still collecting a "protection fee" from the innocent law-abiding, tax-paying citizens while evading his own taxes, and that it was Robin's destiny to stop him and bring him to justice.
"And besides which," added the Angel, "God has too many insurance peddlers and used car sales people to judge currently and didn't have time to deal with you."
"Do I get any cool powers? Like Superman or Professor Xavier or something?" asked Robin.
"Pffft," said the Angel. "You wish!"
So, Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels was sent back to complete his task, and enjoy the rest of his life.
Without the use of any super powers.
"Or, try anyway," snickered the Messenger Angel on his way back to The Throne.
"I'll see you in about eighty years, Robin," said God before Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels was hurled back into the physical plane, aiming himself for a single, medium-bright yellow star being orbited by a largely unremarkable but not entirely unpleasant ball of rock, floating aimlessly somewhere in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy, (apologies to Douglas Adams), currently uninhabited except by some small robots…?
"Hmmm. Nice view," thought Robin on his way back down. "I don't remember Earth being red before..."
Having sorted out his planets (with some help from the Messenger Angel who was sent back with directions), finally, he came in for an astral landing, and realised that there was quite a party going on...
"They're happy because I died? Those Jerks!"
Meanwhile, back at the funeral home...
Eleanor and her new girlfriend (whom you will recall was Robin's sister Julia) were weeping over-dramatically over Robins body and everybody else was ogling their womanly goodies (at least in Julia's case since she wasn't such an eye sore) because even though it was a funeral, they were dressed for the club scene.
In fact, they were going to 'Le Club Rainbow Rendezvous' after the wake and didn't want to have to change clothes, so they wore their black fishnet stockings, see-thru black lace mini-skirts, knee-high Doc boots, black lacy see-thru halter-tops and no bras.
They were très chic.
Or, apparently so they thought at any rate...
But I digress!
So there they were, looking revolting and tacky (well, Eleanor was revolting and Julia was tacky) in their skimpy outfits when suddenly, the band's instruments came to life of their own accord!
The masses would have panicked, except that hardly anybody came to the funeral and those who did were still staring at the Club Girls - either deep in lust or deep in hate. Eventually, though somebody noticed that a bunch of angels (who sounded an awful lot like a particular set of boys from Liverpool) had shown up and were having a jam session. Eleanor, outraged that she was no longer the centre of attention, demanded of the lead angel just what the heck they were doing.
Once the angel realised he wasn't under attack from the Hordes Of Hell and Eleanor was in fact human (we think) he explained that they were the welcoming party.
"Welcoming party? Are you daft? This is a FUNERAL!!" screamed Eleanor, trying to sound outraged.
"Huh," said the angel drummer. "Well…"
"So... uh, what is a welcoming party of angelic musicians doing at the funeral of some witless schlub who killed himself?" Julia asked.
Just at that exact moment, Robin's arms flew straight up, busting the top off his coffin and with a mighty groan, he sat straight up as his head spun 360 degrees before locking gazes upon both his ex-wife and sister.
"I Li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve!!!!!!" he exclaimed, thinking that he'd just borrowed a scene from a certain Disney movie involving a certain Red Dragon voiced by a certain African American actor and stand-up comic to less than the intended effect as nobody seemed to notice that he was in fact, not quite dead after all.
"Well, since Robin here got lost on the way back, we thought we'd provide a 'Welcome Home' party for him," explained the lead Angel.
After the funeral was disbanded and Eleanor had taken Julia to that freak club, Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels called a meeting of the M&M&M&M's. After some discussion, a bet, an arm wrestling match and a game of fetch with Cerberus (wait - how'd he get in?) they all agreed that they should sign up with the IRS and try to stop the Evil Mayor of Rotting Ham. The IRS liked the idea (thinking they would never succeed) and hired them at $22/hr on the condition that Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels should change his name from Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels to something else, because they didn't have enough room on the pay stub for all of it. So, Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels changed his name from Robin Howard Orenthenal Orville Daniels to Robin H.O.O.D.
If this was a movie, we'd have a dramatic fade effect here as we shift to the Evil Mayor's mansion in Rotting Ham, Wisconsin...
The Evil Mayor of Rotting Ham was just getting out of the shower when he heard a knock at his door. He was about to holler for his butler, Abercrombie Flinch, to get that when he realized that he'd fired him last week for wanting his pay raised to minimum wage.
"Darn these people, whoever they are!" he muttered to the wallpaper. Quickly he threw on his favourite bath robe - the one that was pink and frilly with lovely white lace on the sleeves and collar and came with a matching pair of pink bunny slippers - and answered the door. The man stood at the door and was about to say his pre-rehearsed speech, but then he saw what the Evil Mayor was wearing and plum forgot his speech.
"Lard have Marsey!" the man exclaimed in a thick Irish accent. "Is theman of the house around?"
"IAM the man of the house! Now state your business, and make it fast!" said the Evil Mayor, trying to sound menacing. The man at the door walked in, opened up a small black case, and pulled out sixty-five-and-a-half metres of rubber tubing, a small engine, an extension cord, and a stack of papers.
"Top o' ther mornin' to ya, sihr. My name br Rrrobin O'Leary and I'm here to demonstrate th' Two T'ousand Brushes Plus Supersonics Hyper Cleaning Vacuum System Plus TWO. Uses new computer technology. Need DOS six twenty-two at least and runs on the newest and greatest Motorola 68K chip! Bring it in, boys...Not ta worry, sihr, this be but a quickie demonstration. Some eggy yokes on dah carrpet, some garden soil on yer beero, a tad o'orrange juice -- the really sticky stuff-on yer desk, some o'dat, some o'dis... O.K. men, now let's show Fluffy here how pow'rfull these things arre. Did you know that ninety-nine point nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-four percent of all the people that died in th' last hunnerd an' seven years died of this rare disease called 'DUSTUS MAXIMUS INHALEM WE-GOT-YER-MONEY-RECORDS OLFACTORIC CLOGGUS UPPITY WE-ARE-IRS-AGENTS SUFFOCATORUM SUPREAM AND YOU-BE-GOING-TO-PRISON HARDTIMMUS MAXIMUS MORTEM.'"
"Oh, yeah!" said Billy. "It starts out with paranoid delusions of missing financial statements, many think they see Fairy God People, and then it progresses from there. Most people who contract this EXTREMELY rare disease are found out too late. We have in our possession an authentic DUSTUS MAXIMUS INHALEM WE-GOT-YER-MONEY-RECORDS OLFACTORIC CLOGGUS UPPUS WE-AREIRS-AGENTS SUFFOCATUS SUPREAMAND YOU-BE-GOING-TO-PRISON HARDTIMMUS MAXIMUS MORTEM tester. This disease, you see, can be readily contracted from dust mites!"
"Give yer thumb here, you tax evader, you," said Robin. "Mist'rr Crrisco, please amuse the 'man' while we work. 'He' looks a tad worried."
"Hey, no problemo! Yo! Fluffy, I got a joke for you: What's black and white and red all over?"
"...Ugh! My carpet..."
"No, that's black and white and ORANGE all over..."
"...egg yolks! Orange juice, dog hai-- hai--- HAAAACH000000!"
"Bless you! Well, you obviously give up, so I'll tell you: O.J.'s Bronco!!"
"...all that mess..."
What the Evil Mayor didn't notice was that while "Robin O'Leary" guy and those other guys selling vacuums were cleaning up the egg yolks and orange juice and garden soil, his men were also carefully stealing the Evil Mayor's financial records and statements of owing, assorted receipts and various other things like that and were stuffing them into their clothes. Mr. O'Leary was truth actually Robin H.O.O.D. incognito. The others were pretending to be themselves and they weren't doing half bad, either. When all the records had been stolen, and the egg yolks, orange juice, garden soil, dog hair (and whatever else had been dumped) were all cleaned, and the Secret Signal had been given (the sign of the Catholic Cross) Robin H.O.O.D. took the Evil Mayor's thumb out of the DNA retractor/finger print getter and started shouting "OH LORDY ME!! THE MAYOR HERE DONE GOT THE DISEASE!! EVER'BODY OUT!!" and they left, leaving the Evil Mayor bewildered, wondering just what the heck happened.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, and from a puff of pink glittery smoke (that smelled like buttercups) appeared the Evil Mayor's Trans-Gender Fairy God... uh, Thing - wearing a glittering green top hat and oversized purple glasses, rings on his/her fingers, and bell on her/his toes, only the Evil Mayor didn't know that's who it was. No, wait. The Fairy God Thing was Elwood John in a pink ballet suit waving a white handkerchief. Elwood John tends to be a little effeminate. Sometimes (hey, anything goes in this day and age, right?).
"Just who might you be?" asked the Evil Mayor.
"Well I might be Michael Jackson, but I'm not," replied the Fairy.
"Then who ARE you?" persisted the Evil Sheriff.
"I'm your Fairy," she/he said.
"WHAT?"
"I'm your Fairy God Being," he replied.
"Boy, this is getting bad. I'd better check for my financial records."
The Fairy, Elwood John, was snickering to its self as the Evil Mayor opened up the bureau drawers.
"OH MY GOD!! THEY'RE GONE!! THEY'RE ALL GONE!!"
"You know, the next stage of this disease is pretty close," he said, after she had finished snickering. "I know this because I'm a Fairy God Being. We know these things in advance."
"What is it? What's the next stage!!" pleaded the Evil Mayor, frantically. "Please tell me!!"
"Why? You're imagining me. How would you know if I told a lie?" Elwood was enjoying its self at the Evil Mayor's expense.
Outside the house, Ringer and Eric were busy putting a picture of the Evil Mayor's driveway upside down on his driveway window. In this picture, it was raining, and his car was a smouldering pile of rubble. Jimmi was stuffing the records into the trunk of Robin's BMW, and Bryan and Melvis were unloading fire-crackers from a non-descript black van.
The Evil Mayor's Fairy God Thing was explaining the next stage of the imaginary disease when it was cut off by a very loud noise and a very bright light that came from the driveway.
The Evil Mayor ran to the window in a panic and saw the smoking ruins of what looked like it used to be his limo.
"Oh no!! You were right! It did happen! My car has been destroyed! And that flood is about to hit my house!" said the Evil Mayor, looking mournfully out the window. "I suddenly feel so dizzy with the world flipped upside down..."
"You know what it is," dead-panned the Fairy. "It's all that stress from so many years of tax evasion. I'll bet your life that if you were to stop collecting 'protection fees' from your neighbours and turn yourself in to the IRS, all this will be over. Do you realize that you are probably imagining this disease?"
"Really?"
"Is this the face of a Fairy God Being who would lie to you? Why, I'll bet that if you look out your window, the world will be right side up, and your car will be fine."
"No way!"
"As sure as I exist, I tell you no lie. I swear on your mother's grave!"
Cautiously, he peeked out the window. The rain had stopped, the world was right side up, the car was just like he left it last night, and there was no sign of any flood. "Hey, you're right! I'm phoning my collectors..."
The Evil Mayor picked up his phone and placed a call. "Hey, Zarquon? Tell Alpha to call the Mighty Mindless Morphine Pumping Power Rangers and tell them to stop terrorizing the people..."
"What?! Why?" asked Zarquon. "Are you crazy?"
"Well... hmmmm... no... no..." said the Evil Mayor slowly.
"You're serious?"
"YES! I am actually..."
"Man, what happened to you? You used to be COOL!" shouted Zarquon.
"Yeah? Oh... well you're fired and I'm not raising your pay to minimum wage because minimum wage is too expensive, you money hungry PIGS!" the Evil Mayor shouted back.
"You tell him!" cheered Elwood.
"F YOU, MAN!" Zarquon screamed into the phone.
"Yeah? Well F YOU TOO, BUDDY!!" the Evil screamed back before slamming the receiver back into its cradle.
"'F' is swearing. You can't say that on FanFiction Dot Net, ya know," explained the Fairy.
The Fairy had a point, aside from her stupid hat.
"Hey, that's why the author put the '' in place of the actual letters," said the Evil Mayor.
"Oh."
"Anyway, I've got to turn myself in," said the Evil Mayor as Robin came back in with the cuffs.
And thus ends this episode of Robin H.O.O.D. Will there be more adventures yet to come for our courageous Tax Collecting Hero?
Who knows!
"Well," pondered the Fairy. "Perhaps we will be back, or perhaps the fans would like to see somebody else parodied instead?"
"Aye," said Robin. "We'll leave it to them to let their wishes be known in the comments forum."