Notes: This doesn't correspond to Blurring House Lines. A lot of APH/HP fanfiction lately have featured Harry being raised by the Nations – usually Arthur, Alfred, or Matthew. So I thought I should parody that. No offense to any of those who actually wrote one of those fanfics (especially hojas, whose fic needs another update soon, please =w=).
Boy-Who-Lived Up For Grabs
That bundle. It seemed to be staring at them.
"Within these blankets lies the Wizarding World's saviour," Arthur Kirkland muttered, pointing one black gloved hand at the pile of blankets. "His aunt and uncle left him this morning on the World Conference building's doorstep."
"Why would they do that? We're not an orphanage," grumbled Francis Bonnefois as he looked warily at the bundle.
Alfred F. Jones bounced up. "So it's Harry Pothead, right?" he asked, causing Arthur to slap him.
"You bleeding idiot! His name is Potter, not Pothead!" The Brit turned to Francis. "Well, considering that we have our fair share of micronations, provinces, cities, and remote islands off the coast of nowhere…" he trailed off, and the Nations shot dark (and slightly embarrassed) glances at each other.
"I resent that," snapped Madeline Desmarais suddenly, waving her fish threateningly.
"I was referring to the Virgin Islands," Arthur retorted. Alfred turned a brilliant shade of pink and muttered something about never going drinking with Arthur again.
"That doesn't bring us any closer to solving the problem, aru," snapped Yao Wang, folding his arms to prevent Im-Yong Soo from attacking his chest. "Who's going to take care of Harry, aru?"
Dead. Silence.
Ivan Braginski raised his hand with a creepy smile. "I will!" he giggled. "I'll take care of him, da?"
"As if!" snapped Alfred. "You'll beat him to death with a water pipe! It's the hero's duty to take care of another hero!"
"You'll feed him rotten with hamburgers!" exclaimed Arthur indignantly. "I'll take care of him; he's my citizen!"
Francis snorted. "Pooh-pooh, Arthur, you'll poison him with your cooking. I shall be Harry's guardian."
"You'll grope him, you wine bastard!" screeched Lovino Vargas. "And I'm not taking care of a damn baby!"
"Save me, Luddy!" Feliciano Vargas shrieked at the same time for no apparent reason. Ludwig Beilschmidt sighed and put his head in his hands.
"Kesesese, this is a job for the awesome me!" Gilbert Beilschmidt exclaimed loudly, jumping up on the table.
"Gilbert-san, kindly get down from the table," Kiku Honda growled. "Raising a child is a very important job. I believe I am well-suited to this task – "
"No, let Big Brother Spain help!" Antonio Carriedo cried, blocking out the rest of the Japanese's sentence. Kiku glowered at him.
"You're a bleedin' paedophile, you tomato bastard!" Lovino screeched.
On and on the Nations argued, while Heracles Karpusi snored in a corner next to Matthew Williams, who had his hand raised.
"I wonder if they'll notice me, eh!" Matthew whispered excitedly. "Don't they know that that baby's not actually Harry Potter, eh? I should know, eh, I took the bundle in."
"Who are you?" his polar bear Kumajiro demanded.