This takes place sort of during is bits of Book 10 inserted (Oo-er!) but the ending has been changed, so to those who've not read Are These My Basoomas I See Before Me, I'd not read much or else you're going to get REALLY,REALLY confused, plus there's a bit of spoilers in here so, don't say I didn't warn you!

Because I did !

I don't own ANYTHING.

Hello, God, are you listening?

Saturday, September 17th

10p,Bed

This is beyond any normal type of pathetic.

It is tres, tres, and three times patheticos.

I am at home, on a weekend, before midnight.

Gaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

5 Minutes Later

All because I did the Twist with Dave the so-called Laugh and loon extroiddannaire.

And excellent snogee.

1 Minute Later

No, no ,bad brain, shut up.

I mean Masimo is the excellent snoggee.

Masimo, my gorgey, Italian, Sex God boyfriend...

1 Minute Later

Who may very well be a handbag lover.

I think.

4 Minutes Later

I mean, Dave has got a point (leave it).Masimo takes a lot of time doing his hair, he spends a LOT of time on how he than me, which is a bit freaky, really.

And he carries a handbags.

1 Seconds Later

I mean shoulder bag.

10 Seconds Later

Isn't that essentially the same thing?

3 Minutes Later

Good Lord, I am dating a secret-Homosexualist.

5 Minutes Later

Maybe that's why gets the hump with me every time I dance with Dave.

He's got as secret-Homosexualist-type crush on Dave.

He wants to snog Dave the Laugh.

OOooooer!

You're not the only one mate.

12 Minutes Later

No, no, I mean...anyways , how could he snog me if he's a Homosexualist?

I could se how he'd snog Wet Lindsay if he was, with her big forehead and practically-not-there nunga-nungas she looks like a bloke.

But I've got huge nunga-nungas and a normal forehead, to take the attention off my huge honker of a nose which is completely dad's fault. I got my nose genes from him.

2 Minutes Later

Oh my dear Lord Sandra, what if he only snogs me because of my nose?

It must remind him of my Dad and give him the horn.

1 Second Later

Good Lord, Masimo even wants my dad.

He must -why else would he snog me?

It can't be because of my fab snogging skills.

3 Seconds Later

I don't think...

3 Minutes Later

I snuck downstairs to see if the coast was clear, but I needn't bother-Mum and her portly partner were on the couch watching a movie about some naff pirate named Captain Blood, and were snogging.

But mostly snogging.

Erlack.

Sneaked back upstairs to the phone.

On The Phone (not literally you fules)

Come on, come on...pick up...

"This is the Vati, leave your name and number and I'll ring you me how much you lurrrrrve me and I'll call you back and chips."

"Hello, Dave this is Georgia. I have something of the tip-top importance to talk over so can you ring me back immediately?"

I was just about to replace the receiver but then I remembered what his message said.

I said as quickly as I could "Oh and, er...I love you ." and slammed the phone down.

Shoo, that was exhausting. I'm going to bed.

Phone Rang

Was just drifting off to BoboLand when the phone rang .

Who would call so late?It's probably one of Mum's naff mates.

I'm going back to sleep.

2 Minutes Later

I am about to pull the phone out of the damn wall.

It will ring about 4 times, then stop, and I think "Oh good, now I can go back to bed" and I get all snuggly buggly...and the phone starts ringing AGAIN.

1 Minute Later

Went to the top of the stairs and yelled down to Mutti and Vati "The phone to your home is ringing!" but Vati just yelled back "Answer it then!" and went back to whatever he was doing. Something horrific probably.

Erggg..

Went to the phone and picked it up.

"Hello, City Morgue?""I would have thought if it was an emergency you would have picked up long ago."

"Hullo, Dave."

"You don't sound happy to talk to me, Kit Kat."

He sounded a bit he was coming down with a cold or something.

"I WAS asleep but some loon kept ringing and then hanging up."

"I am that loon."

"Ah, right, sorry."

He laughed-Cor, he's got a gorgey laugh-and said "It's OK what's up?"

"You're not with Emma are you?"

"No, she just left."

"Oh, is she OK?"

'Well, she was-"

"Oh good,"

"…until she heard your message when I was in the loo and seem to have gotten the wrong idea from it."

"Oh er, I didn't mean to ..like, I mean..."

Good Lord, I'm turning into Ellen, Queen of the Ditherspaz.

"You're not turning into Ellen are you?"

"No, I mean..What I meant to say was I didn't mean to er, interrupt anything."

"You weren't. She was already upset when she came over."

"Oh, why?"

"Seems she heard about me snogging someone else."

"Oh no."

"Oh. Yes. I denied it and everything was going peachykeen but the she heard your message and well, you can guess."

"I'm sorry to hear-"

"I was going to break it off with her anyways. I just couldn't figure out how to do it gently"

"What was, I mean-er, like.." I trailed off.

He laughed but not a Dave-The-Laugh-laugh, it was more of a 'This woman is mad' laugh.

Bollocks, he's not going to be an un-laugh is he? I need a laugh, at times like this.

"You spend too much time with Ellen."

"Yes, well, a minute seems about 60 seconds long around her"

Dave actually properly laughed and said "Too true. At any rate, she was too nice and I didn't deserve her, Emma I mean."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Not that she was too nice-she was very was off-putting how nice she was. She was so nice she honestly made me want to drive a nail through her forehead, she was so bloody chipper all the bloody time.

But no, what I couldn't believe was that he didn't think he was nice enough.

He is makes me laugh, and has got nice eyes and a nice smile and nice lips...ooer, hello Jelloid-Leg City !

I realized I hadn't said anything for a moment, and said "Well, she's a nutter if she doesn't see how nice you are."

Dave chuckled and said "Really, and how nice am I kitty Kat?" in a really low voice.

Oooh, jelloid knickers !

"Well, you've got nice eyes and a nice crinkly smile, and you're always very nice to the titches that stalk you, even if they don't deserve it, being ginger titches and all, and -"

He butted in "Are you going to propose to me or tell me what your big emergency is?"

I felt my face go beetroot.

"oh, right, well, er, I was just wondering -"

Yes?"

"AmIagoodsnogee?"

I could literally feel his smile through the phone. "You rang me at -bloody hell, Gee, at 11 o'clock at night to ask if you were a good snog?"

Pause "Yes."

"Hmmmm, well, ask your self this, with all the girlfriends I've had, who do I end up snogging the most?"

And he hung up without answering.

Huh.

In Bed

What does he mean, who does he snog the most?

How should I know? I don't follow him around on dates, tallying off snogs like a sad stalker type.

It's not like I was stalking him...

I've only stalked Lurve Gods, namingly Masimo.

14 Minutes Later

And Sex Gods named Robbie.

But still.

Sunday, September 18th

3pm

Up at the bum of dawn.

I could have slept longer but Uncle Eddie is here for Baldy-O-Gram practice, and I don't think I could sleep through all the shouting and whistles.

And that's just Libby.

3 Minutes Later

Went downstairs to find Mum and Libby red-faced on the couch, and Uncle Eddie and Dad in their under crackers dancing to "Stayin' Alive" by the BeeGees on the coffee table.

Why, I ask you, WHY ME?

I tried sneaking into the kitchen but Mum spotted me and shouted above the music "There you are! About time you were up! Want to join us? Uncle Eddie is having a Disco Special in 2 weekends."

I shouted "As much as I'd love to stay and help destroy your youngest daughter's life, I don't" .

Mum threw her shoe at me.

Lovely.

She turns one child into a porno stripper before age 5 and the other she practically starves and beats.

I should call Esther R. on her party line.

10 Minutes Later

With my luck, though, she'd come out and see Uncle Eddie in his codpiece y-fronts and want to join him.

Lordy, what a mental image.

My Room, Hiding From Any and Every One Downstairs

With all the usual madness going on round at my house I've completely forgot about Masimo and the fact that he's not rung all bloody weekend (almost).

Huh.

2 Minutes Later

Does that mean I have now yet again become a dumpee?

40 Minutes Later

Rang Jas.

At first she pretended she had to do Maths homework, which in anyone's language means snogging her boyfriend.

Except in Jas' language-in her own voley, sad language it means she actually IS doing her homework.

How sad.

Never mind.

In the end I convinced her to come round, with the promise of cheesy snacks.

I desperately need someone to talk to vis-à-vis Masimo that's not completely loony, dithery, or makes me go jelloid and stupid like Dave sometimes does.

10 Minutes Later

Hold the phone, since when has Dave the Laugh sent me to Jelloid City?

And Stupidville?

Since never, that's when.

3 Seconds Later

Until now...

2 Seconds Even More Later-er

No, shut up brain.

I did not go jelloid, just because he's got a gorgey-porgey smile, great lips and is a fabby kisser, and ...

Er..

5 Seconds Later

Oh bollocks, where was I going with this?

26 Minutes Later

Oh, sod it.

I can't remember and all this thinking has given me a terrible what's more Jas will be here any minute and I've not got the cheesy snacks prepared yet, i.e. opening packages of cheesy whatsits and arranging them attractively on a plate.

My Room

With all that's going on in my 'love'(hahaha) life I completely forgot about the Loon Situation downstairs until after Jas was exposed to them, and I mean that literally.

After we had escaped back to my room Jas collapsed on my bed and could only squeak for the longest time.

It started to make my head ache like billio so I shoved a Jammy Dodger halfway down her throat After she stopped choking and coughing, she called me a few choice words that would turn even Granddad red.

So I shoved another Jammy Dodger in her mouth.

I didn't even know she knew words like that !

At any rate, after she stopped coughing and choking she said "Can I leave or are you going to try to KILL me again?"

"oh shut up about your self for one minute and let me talk. I am having a serious dilemma in the PANTS department."

"Ooo-er."

"What?"

"I said "ooer"

"Yes I know, but why?"'Because you said you had a serious dilemma in the PANTS department, so I said ooer."

"No I didn't"

"You did."

"I did not!"

"You did."

It could have gone on forever like that but fortunately (or unfortunately if you look at it any other way) Dad burst in.

Thank Buddha and God and Baby Jesus he was wearing PANTS this time. "You girls wanna come join the pahh-tyy?"

I could have killed him. Jas turned very sensationally red and only could squeak.

Oh, God, not THAT again.

I held a pillow over her mouth and said "Dad, we've got Maths to do so will you pleasey please GO AWAY."

He said "Fine, but you're missing a good one!" and he went out shaking his bum.

I got up and closed the door, pushing the dresser in front of it, then sat back on the bed.

Jas was still red-faced, except for round her nose and eyes.

"It's not like you've not seen one before."

"Well.."

"You have seen one of...those, remember, the nuddy mags Elvis had in his Pervs' hut?"

"Yes, but that wasn't er, up close and ...real and hair-" I shoved a handful of cheesy snacks in her mouth before she could finish.

Jas knows how visual I am, and I do not need THAT mental image. I am very sensitive and something like that could seriously scar me for life, if Mum's ginormous nunga-nungas flowing free and wild already haven't.

And yes, I know, I could say about a million scarring-by-mum's-breasteses-jokes right now but a) I am too tired and b) Jas shoved me off the bed and said "God, if you're going to be rude I'm leaving" and stormed out.

What?

What did I do?

Great, now not only do I have a headache, a semi-nude father, and a Baldy-O-Gram for an uncle, I've got a bruised bum.

Thanks, God, thanks a LOT.

10 Seconds Later

Not.

In The Loo

Even better, I have a blackhead the size of Tibet (how ever big that is) on the end of my nose.

It looks like I have a second head coming off my conk.

Wonderful, just wonderful.

God, will you please just, like, KILL me now and get the humiliation over with ?

35 Minutes Later

Still waiting for the Big G.

1 Hour Later

Still waiting...

30 Minutes Later

Great, instead of smiting me he has sent a lunatic in the form of my mad, nude little sister.

Why does she insist in sleeping in MY bed?

And nude nonetheless?

2 Minutes Later

And upside down?

20 Minutes Later

Please, Baby Jesus, I know I don't really pray much except when I want new shoes or whatever, but I really, really meant it this time.

And not like when I said I really really meant it but didn't.

I really do mean it this time.

Really.

Please send me a sign-any sign- of what I should do about this whole Masimo fiasco.

Please let me know if I should ring him, or if he's dumped me, or what, PLEASE...

45 Minutes Later, No Signs Yet

Hmmmm...maybe that was too complicated a question.

Maybe I should just ask for, like one sign at a time or something.

But what should I ask first?

12 Minutes Later

Please, Baby Jesus, please send me a sign if Masimo is going to ring me ever again or not.

I would really really really appreciate it if you did.

2 Minutes Later

Oh, and I am super sorry about setting that pensioner on fire.

Really.

I am.

1 Hour Later

Hello, God, are you listening?