Always There, Never Forgotten
Disclaimer: I don't own this series.
Warning(s): heavy angst, odd metaphors and semi-graphic smut. Hints of het (Naru/Saku). Not a good!feel story. Since this is unbet'd, the editing was done by yours truly and typos shall roam. I'm decent at proofreading, but please don't hold it against me if I don't catch everything. At some point, I just got tired of re-reading every sentence five billion times, too.
A/N: No, I'm not returning to Naruto fandom; I wrote this piece some twelve months ago, but never finished it – due to it being such an oppressive story. It's a gift!fic for Hanakage – who I'm certain won't appreciate it anymore. I do realise that this could be a much longer story, but I really don't have the energy to write for this fandom anymore. If you like the story well enough, you're free to take up on the theme and expand it.
Otherwise, feel free to toss any complaints/praise/questions/whatever at me.
ETA: I don't know what it is with FFN and their consequent need to make formatting so hard.
Sometimes, there's this kid in class you hate. You always stare at him. Like a ghost looming around a deserted mansion day in and day out, he's constantly there in the back of your mind. And, while the very thought of him makes your blood boil, you also know that life wouldn't be the same without him. Because hatred - a feeling situated deep in the hearts of people - is a strong sentiment, rich enough to invigorate the soul and passionate enough to move armies. The oppos - no, perhaps - the very sister of love.
And maybe, there's a dim chance that you don't really hate him as much as you think you do?
It was a quarter to two (and maybe it would always be a quarter to two. Imagine that! A fixed time. A fixed world. Everything fixed until the last syllable of recorded time. Time itself rendered meaningless. No more death. No more change. And that was hell because once everything is fixed for eternity, it remains so forever. And you can't escape).
Naruto groaned, tearing his eyes away from the offensive classroom clock. Another thirty minutes, and then he would be free. Free to roam about the deserts or, if so inclined, to steal old ladies' purses – and thus, effectively fulfilling the assumed stereotypes gnattish old folk with fat arses up there in Parliament concocted about eighteen-year-old males.
In short, he could do whatever his lusty body and swiftly-beating heart desired, which definitely wasn't mugging though (much to the disappointment of the sexually frustrated and disgruntled members of Parliament).
Until then, Naruto just would have to endure. He had to remain here and be as quiet as possible. If only, he thought with annoyance hovering over him like a cloud, it wouldn't have been that difficult.
Scanning his eyes for something new to fix his attention upon other than that ghastly clock, Naruto's gaze rested upon the form of his teacher. While Tsunade pointed to (boring and insignificant) chemical formula on the blackboard, her breasts bounced slightly upwards, making some male students shift their desks closer. After all, as the saying goes, a tasty morsel should also be enjoyed with the eyes, and those young eagles feasted themselves with unrestrained glee upon the treat that was so graciously offered to them.
Naruto, taking in this spectacle, hid his mouth behind his hand. And yet, his body shook lightly as if invisible strings were tugging at him. Naruto shifted in his seat, but still the shuddering of his body grew more unrestrained with every passing second (and the clock ticked merrily on). And, before he could stop himself, he was heartily laughing because the entire situation was just so absurd.
Unfortunately, not everyone indulged in his merriment; spoilsports always existed.
"Uzumaki, would you like to share what's so funny with the rest of the class?" Tsunade asked, her face looking stern as she faced Naruto. Shaking his head, Naruto muttered under his breath and then replied:
"No, Baa-chan. There is nothing funny – I just caught something up my nose."
Tsunade visibly paled under the mention of "Baa-chan", and Naruto grinned. Oh, how delightful it was to watch how the usually oh-so composed Tsunade clenched her fists, obviously trying her utmost not to force a litany of obscene curses onto her unsuspecting students. Naruto himself – lucky person that he was – had been more than often exposed to her less restrained side. It was one of the perks to being related to her.
"Naruto!" Tsunade snapped, waving a finely manicured hand at Naruto. "If you weren't actually a good student, I'd have you punished severely."
There she goes again, Naruto thought and he had to restrain himself from grinning. There was another advantage to being Tsunade's nephew: he knew that, in spite of her attempts at being stern, Tsunade was very soft deep down. At least, he could always wrap her around his little finger.
Naruto furrowed an eyebrow. "You think so?"
"Yes, I think so."
Naruto simply shook his head and grinned."Oh Tsunada-baa-chan. You're just too -"
"Naruto," Tsunade warned him icily, and he immediately stopped himself from uttering another syllable; he wasn't going to push his luck too much. Getting beaten up by your aunt in the middle of the lesson wasn't worth the risk.
"Is there anything else you wanted to share, Naruto? No? Good, then let's resume the lesson."
Naruto sighed, and grazed his front teeth gently against his lower lip. Then, he bit down, so hard till he could feel his teeth tear sensitive skin open. The bitter taste of blood flooded his mouth, making him groan. Naruto swallowed it down, not wanting to draw any unnecessary attention to himself. He tapped his shoe against the foot of the desk – a clacking sound greeted him.
Then he stopped; he had this feeling again – the feeling of someone watching him. No, he was not paranoid, but swore that someone was observing his every move.
Just like some kind of creepy stalker.
As Naruto turned around, he immediately froze. It was just as he'd thought: Sasuke's eyes had been fixed upon him the entire time.
Asshole, Naruto thought.
"I'll miss this when it's all gone," Sakura whispered into Naruto's ear while she sat comfortably on his lap, plunging her hand into his bag of crisps whenever his concentration was preoccupied by something else – which, as Sakura had noticed, happened fairly often. So, with the eagerness of a feline up to no good, Sakura prepared herself for another strike. And it worked. Strike!
Mission "Take Naruto's crisps" was accomplished!
Or so she thought. Because, this time Naruto grabbed hold of her hand. She squeaked in surprise, and - as his grip was very strong – frowned in disapproval; he didn't have to be so rough towards her!
However, the shocked expression fell from her face when Naruto let her go again. A smile graced her lips, and Sakura nestled herself even more relaxedly against Naruto's lap – this time, leaning her head against his chest as if she hoped to hear his heartbeat.
He is so warm, Sakura noted and closed her eyes, mind drifting away to dreams of a future with the boy who'd captured her heart – and soul.
"And I'll miss -" Naruto leaned in and caught her lips in a kiss, taking in the smell of strawberry perfume. Breaking the kiss, he buried his nose in her hair; he could feel Sakura shuddering – he had to smile.
"I really like how you always, always smell so good, Sakura-chan. I'll really miss being with you like this."
He pressed her hand tightly. Whenever he pressed her hand, Naruto was surprised by how much smaller it was than his.
Small like her writhing body as he pumped in and out of her, always closing his eyes. Always imagining that the body he was fucking was more taut muscles, and that it wasn't breasts – full and soft – pressed against his chest, but -
Naruto cursed inwardly and forced his thoughts to return to the present again.
Sakura shook her head, and then – placing a hand on his cheek – brushed her nose against his. "Idiot, I won't leave."
She pecked his lips lightly. "You know that we'll be together forever from now onwards?'"
The bell rang, which prompted Sakura to jump off Naruto's lap. Grabbing her bag, she smiled at Naruto before turning away and slowly walking towards the exit. She seemed eager to leave.
Yet, Naruto didn't follow her immediately. Instead, as if put under a trance, he remained standing there in the lunch hall, watching the other students file out of the room. Suddenly, he realised that he wasn't alone, had not been alone and wasn't going to stay so for a while. Sasuke, dressed in his usual garb of dark blue jeans, black sweater and Nike sneakers, was here as well, leaning against the wall. And just like he'd done in the classroom, his eyes were watching – following Naruto around like a hawk.
Their eyes met – unspoken words communicated through a simple glance. Accusations and broken promises. Betrayal and hatred. Love and despair.
Naruto's heart skipped a beat, his stomach lurched and he suddenly felt like suffocating.
If I only walked towards him, I could put my arms-
"Naruto, what are you doing?" Sakura's voice resounded, thus effectively breaking whatever magical moment he'd just been sharing with Sasuke. He hit himself on the head, and rolled his eyes. Why was he torturing himself like that?
"You really want to move in with her?" Kiba asked while they were crossing the street. Cars stood waiting for the lights to turn red, and the rumbling noises they emitted were reminiscent of the growling stomach of a very, very hungry giant.
Naruto quickened his footsteps, and – in the hustle and bustle of purring motors – Kiba's question fell on deaf ears. And, as it was, Naruto was too lost in his thoughts, haunted by Sasuke's gaze. Naruto couldn't help wondering what Sasuke had been thinking about, and - if possible - he'd been the one on his mind.
"Hey! You paying any attention to what I'm saying?" Kiba hollered into Naruto's right ear, punching him in the shoulder as well. Naruto didn't notice it, but several pedestrians stared at the two youths incredulously and one elder guy shook his head, mumbling something about uncouth teenagers.
"Hello? I'm talking to you, Naruto!"
No answer.
Kiba had had it: he stepped on Naruto's foot, earning a loud scream from him.
"What the hell you do that for?" Naruto huffed in irritation. Damned idiot. If it hadn't been for the people around them, he'd have punched Kiba.
"It was impossible to get you to listen to me! Really," Kiba complained, and stuck out his tongue. "I'm not a ghost, you know?"
"Sorry. Repeat the question, please? I'll swear I'll give you a reply this time."
Kiba rolled his eyes in evident irritation. "I asked whether you were going to move in with Sakura."
(A punch in the guts. Pain. The realisation that you've hit a dead-end and can't, can't get out).
Naruto rubbed his eyes. A sensation akin to burning was taking dominance over him, and he felt like running, so that the cool of the wind could help him feel less hot (it was like a fire had broken inside of his belly and was spreading throughout the rest of his body, burning everything to ashes in its wake).
"Hmm. Yes." Naruto licked his lips, as he clenched his fists. "I think it's the for the best."
Kiba folded his arms behind his head, and looked up at the sky. "If you think so, man."
"I don't think anything, Kiba. It's simply the right choice."
"I dunno. Doing something just because it seems right isn't always ... well, the right thing, Naruto."
Kiba looked serious – more serious than he'd ever appeared in his entire life.
Naruto didn't offer any reply to the statement because he knew that Kiba was right.
Sometimes idiots can be wise, after all.
Naruto leaned over the water basin, and forced himself to be calm; the water dripping down hit the basin's surface with a tap, each contact as minutely precise as the ticking of a cuckoo clock.
Naruto splashed water over his face, washing away the sweat that had been plastered on his forehead; the grime was coming off, but he still felt dirty, filthy even.
He could do this. He was a man, wasn't he? In no time, he would get out of this way too stuffy washroom and face-
Naruto paused, shivering a bit as cool water-drops fell past his soaked bangs and settled themselves on his neck, dribbling from thence ever downwards to other regions of his body. What was it that he actually wanted to face. Himself? His parents? The teachers?
Sas-
No. Not him. Not anymore or ever again.
Outside, people were waiting - waiting for him to show up. He was the valedictorian, after all. Naruto could imagine the big room with the sparkling clean floor and rows of chairs – five each time.
He had even taken the time to prepare a speech (he – like all the other model students – would praise the teachers, even if they'd done nothing, describe the remarkable history of the institution that he'd been so privileged to attend even if the school was not that different from the other educational facilities in the country. And yet, no matter whether his voice lulled them to sleep or unleashed hidden passions in their souls, the audience would – unflinchingly, like the strongly spun webs of fate – applaud).
Naruto was just about leave when he felt someone watching him again; sweat broke down his spine and he trembled.
Fuck it all. Why can't you just leave me alone?
Naruto turned around. He cringed when he saw who it was. Sasuke really did have a thing for showing up whenever Naruto least desired company.
"You shouldn't scare people like that ... Uchiha."
Sasuke only smirked, his facial features rendered sharper by that action – "Uzumaki ... this being a public toilet makes it accessible to everyone. Not only to a few select. Unless you're being top of the class has made you forgot that this is, in essence, a free country."
Naruto shut the tap. Anger flamed up in him like a torch suddenly turned on (burning bright – oh so bright – in a dark, dark world) and Naruto, straightening his tie, prepared to leave; however, Sasuke, blocked his way, standing between the him and the door (freedom).
"I don't have anything to say, asshole. So, please move."
You're no longer part of my life.
"So you can go back to your little whore-"
Smash. A fist landed against Sasuke's face.
Bastard. Fucking selfish, sadistic bastard.
Blood was running down Sasuke's cheek, but Naruto didn't care. He'd had it coming.
"Don't fucking talk like this about her. Sakura is much better – healthier too – than you could ever be."
Sasuke, unsettling Naruto to the utmost, shook his head – and then laughed, his laughter resounding in the bathroom like a blood-curling scream in a church (chilling, tragic and destroying harmony, making the world move on its axis again). "You're only with Haruno because she finally took pity on you."
Something inside of Naruto snapped; the reign of control broke asunder and the horses, which he'd hitherto been leading to God knew where, ran away in the wake of blazing passion and heartless confusion. "It wasn't pity. And we've been together for two years."
"Oh, Naruto. You're only with her now because you got her knocked up."
"How- how did you know?" Naruto demanded, shocked that those words - the very words he'd been ignoring himself for who knew how long – had come rushing out of Sasuke's mouth, hitting him with such a force that he felt queasy. He didn't want to face this now - not with Sasuke.
"The whole school knows. It's spreading around like a wildfire," Sasuke replied, his face grim and his black eyes narrowing into slits. "Everyone knows that Naruto Uzumaki is going to marry Sakura Haruno just because you're expecting a 'bundle of joy' in about eight months."
Naruto shook his head. "Good. But also let the school know that I love Sakura and that I'm doing – no we're doing this – because it's what we both want. Satisfied? I'm leaving now."
(And then, the world stops moving again -and we hang suspended in the air, grasping for hold in nothingness).
Sasuke's hand. On his shoulder. Stopping him.
For some obscure reason, Sasuke was gripping him and - feeling anger shoot up in him - Naruto turned around, blue eyes blazing. "What-"
Lips. Warm lips. Hot. On his mouth. Sasuke kissing him. Naruto kissing back.
A sensation like ants running down his arms took hold of Naruto. More, he wanted more; the need made his knees tremble, and Naruto took in a deep breath (exhaled and inhaled, inhaled and exhaled. Spread his wings and soared).
"Stupid bastard," Naruto whispered, marking Sasuke's neck with angry kisses. "Stupid damned bastard, never knew when to shut the hell up."
More kissing – possessing and reclaiming areas he'd once owned. Sasuke's skin flushed, his breathing heavy and voice needy.
Beautiful and cruel, at the same time.
"Naruto-"
"Shut up."
Pushing Sasuke against the wall, Naruto went down on his knees and was face to face with the boy's jeans-covered crotch: a zipper was presented before him like a Golden Ticket.
Mind the main chance, it told him. And Naruto, minding the main chance, tugged it down with his teeth, pulling and grappling and wrenching till it was fully lowered. Sasuke was hard, arousal evident through the tent in his boxers. Grinning smugly, Naruto placed a hand on Sasuke's erection and squeezed, making the other boy grind his teeth together in a nearly furious manner.
"Don't fucking tease me," Sasuke hissed, and - as Naruto's eyes met his - he saw that his cheeks were dusted pink. And his eyes - Sasuke's black eyes shone with so much passion (raw, raw passion that reminded him of cold nights spent in Sasuke's bed, exploring and touching and tasting his entire body).
Naruto swallowed, feeling that his throat was becoming dryer again - he couldn't think about this (he'd put Hell behind him, had made peace with himself – no point in going back, no point in burning his fingers again).
"Considering that you've put me through hell, I actually should leave you standing here, frustrated."
But he wasn't going to do that, even though his brain screamed that he should toss Sasuke away as Sasuke had thrown him away - like a crunched coke can in a dumpster. But he didn't.
Instead, turning his attention back to Sasuke's groin, Naruto put a shaky hand on the hem of Sasuke's boxers and down they went. A tickling sensation rustled down his spine, as he found himself face to face with Sasuke's penis, waiting for the right attention. Naruto knew what to do, even though it had been ages and he'd not had much opportunity to refine his skills.
Not that it matters, Naruto thought gravely as his mouth engulfed Sasuke's erection: from the way Sasuke's back slammed against the wall, shaky hands gripped his hair tightly and the other boy groaned in abandon, Naruto was fairly certain that he was doing it somewhat right.
Sasuke's cock was warm, and Naruto sucked, not caring a whit that long fingers were digging themselves harshly into his scalp. It didn't matter as long as Sasuke moaned so deliciously. Moans turned into a yell as Naruto massaged Sasuke's balls, remembering things he'd forced himself to forgot (remembering that Sasuke liked it nice and slow, liked it when his teeth lightly grazed over his head, or that he enjoyed it when Naruto inserted a finger up his tight hole while doing this as well).
But Naruto didn't do it nice and slow; he sucked greedily and nearly aggressively, as if he was running out of time. As if Death was knocking upon the door.
He felt Sasuke's penis tightening inside of his mouth, and then the taste of bitter semen flooded his mouth; Naruto swallowed, closing his eyes and trying his best not to gag. When he was done, he wiped a trail of semen rolling down his mouth with his sleeve. Disgusting, but it wasn't like he really cared.
"You've gotten bad at this," Sasuke gruffly stated afterwards, and it was ridiculous because he was standing there half-naked with a sweat-moistened forehead and breathing heavily.
Naruto furrowed an eyebrow and snorted. "Hmm, if I was so bad, how come you were moaning so much, bastard?"
No answer. Sasuke just stared daggers at him, and Naruto found a familiar wave of frustration wash over him: things never changed. Sasuke still thrilled and excited him (would always etch himself into his heart – and burn like a firefly: always unreachable and yet so close).
Fuck. Why was this- why couldn't Naruto push Sasuke away?
Naruto knew what would happen now. And he should have left (but his hands and feet were tied; Fate had clasped its iron hands deeply around his frame, its nails sinking into his skin).
We all are Fortune's Fools.
"Sasuke- we shouldn't ..." Naruto started as Sasuke stepped out of his jeans, leaned against the wall and waited.
"Just shut up and do it."
Naruto walked towards Sasuke until he was close enough to press his body against the other's. "I don't have any lube-"
"Hmm. In jeans pockets – my pockets. Just take it, and hurry up. Damnit Naruto: just hurry..." Sasuke's hoarse voice whispered into his ears, and Naruto grinning, in spite of himself, knelt down on the floor and searched Sasuke's pockets for lube.
"Ah, got it!"
"Good, was taking you long enough," Sasuke said and sighed. "Hurry up with the applying."
"Turn around," Naruto commanded harshly, knowing that entering Sasuke like this would be easier than anything else. For once, Sasuke didn't put up a fight and turned around, placing both his hands on the cold surface of the wall.
Scrunching his eyes shut, Naruto took a deep breath: this was a big mistake, and he knew that he'd kick himself months afterwards for giving in to this. But - fuck - with Sasuke's ass presented to him like this and his own cock hard and wanting to be inside badly, Naruto knew that it was futile to protest. He opened his eyes again and, swiftly undoing the lid of the lube, let some of the contents drip down on his right hand; it felt cool and Naruto sighed as he smeared it over his arousal.
The more animalistic side would have just liked to have driven into Sasuke right then and there, taking him so hard till that idiot couldn't stand straight but he knew that this wouldn't have been fun for either of them. He wasn't a sadist, after all. Moreover, he was sure that Sasuke wasn't into pain.
"Naruto, are you done yet?" Sasuke then said, breaking through the tense silence that had enshrouded them like a puff of smoke coming out of a pipe.
"Wait a second – I have to prep-"
"To hell with that. Just enter me, idiot."
Naruto could have just said "fuck you, jerk, and find someone else to screw", but he couldn't run away now. Sasuke had always been such an impatient bastard. Even as a child, he'd always dragged Naruto around and, during sex, he'd been even worse. And the bad thing was that Naruto had always relented.
Have it your way then, Naruto through gritted teeth. He'd give Sasuke just what he wanted.
"Naruto-get going! Or I'll just do it myself."
Naruto rolled his eyes and - throwing the container into the waste paper basket - grabbed Sasuke by the hips and positioned himself at his entrance. He'd have to do this slowly because if he plunged right in, Naruto knew that he'd not last long and Sasuke would complain again. Using all the patience he possessed, Naruto slowly pushed himself inside - and hissed; he'd forgotten how tight Sasuke was or how that idiot tended to make the most tempting sighs. And it was so hot and Sasuke was shuddering, cursing inaudibly. He shuddered, and Naruto briefly wondered whether it was from discomfort; he knew that Sasuke hadn't dated anyone else since the time they'd been apart.
He is a stiff bastard, after all. No one's good enough.
In some ways, that knowledge of Sasuke having only been his made him happy, but - in other ways - it also hurt. Because he hadn't been enough either; he'd been close, but never close enough.
I loved you, Sasuke. I loved you so much. If only. If only. If only ...
"Damn, Sasuke - you're so," he found himself muttering, and then buried himself fully inside of Sasuke, not caring that it was too soon, too quick. He'd been deprived of this for too long. With that in mind, Naruto started to move, quickly building up a fierce rhythm. Sasuke was panting heavily now, driving his hips against Naruto's each time he pushed his cock in again.
Naruto buried his head in Sasuke's neck, taking in the smell that was uniquely his - something that he couldn't describe, but still would always be able to recognise. Sasuke's hair tickled against his nose, and Naruto suddenly felt like crying: he'd never felt that intimate with Sakura-chan - and he hated himself for that, despised every bone in his traitorous body.
Because Sakura-chan is good for me. Sasuke brings nothing but pain.
Fuelled by that, and by the realisation that he was betraying Sakura, Naruto moved more harshly now, slamming himself into Sasuke's with less restrain now. And that seemed right - because Sasuke started to moan - nearly obscenely, as if the thrusts made forced him to spit out everything he'd suppressed until then. All the bitterness, sadness ...
All the time they'd lost. All the memories they would never gain. The future he'd thrown away and the past he'd sullied – never to return, never to be theirs again (Them – just another dying star amongst the waste galaxy of dead stars. A meaningless, decadent row that will never shine again).
It was over, Naruto thought dully. He was numb and felt so cold, even though he was still buried inside of Sasuke's hole. He pulled out and got dressed, never saying a word. What could he say?
Come back to me. Let's run away. I'll be yours if you promise to be mine. I love you, and only you.
Sasuke was dressing himself, not saying anything and Naruto was truly grateful because (he'd used up all the words he could have ever have said to Sasuke, having - and now they lay forgotten somewhere, buried in the debris and ruins of days long since gone).
And, just like he'd come, Sasuke left – left Naruto standing there.
But Naruto didn't slam his fist against the wall, cry or scream (he was made of stone, felt like stone and could not be moved). Instead, he returned to the water basin, washed his face and adjusted his shirt a bit. He had to look presentable – he had a speech to deliver.
Besides, Sakura was waiting for him.
...