Here's an amusing little drabble for anyone who loves Monty Python. I was lucky enough to find the original scene reconstructed in its entirety online. A little imagination, a little cut-and-paste and voila! I do not own Monty Python, Harry Potter, or anything else. I am not making any money. Constructive criticism is welcome, but flames are NOT.
SCENE 23 3/4
SCENE: Malfoy Manor. Lucius and Draco are standing in front of the window.
LUCIUS: One day, Draco, all of this will be yours.
DRACO: The curtains?
LUCIUS: (rolls his eyes in exasperation) No, not the curtains, Draco. All that you can see outside of this window, stretched over the hills and valleys of this land! This will be your estate.
DRACO: But Mother—
LUCIUS (tersely): Father. I'm Father.
DRACO: But Father, I don't want any of that!
LUCIUS: Draco, I built this Manor up from nothing. When I married your mother, I discovered that her father had played a rather nasty trick on me. The land that made up a major portion of her dowry was in a swamp. Your Great-Great Grandfather Caligula Black had been daft enough to build a castle in a swamp, and of course, it sank. Your Great-Grandfather Fabian Black was no brighter, so he built a second one. That sank into the swamp. Your Grandfather Black built a third one. That one burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the one I built stayed up. This is what you will inherit, Draco. The strongest Manor house in wizarding Britain.
DRACO: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather—
LUCIUS: Rather what?!
DRACO: I'd rather... just... music ...sing!
LUCIUS: Stop that at once! You are not going into a song while I'm here! Now listen well: In twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father has controlling interests in some of the largest magical corporations in England.
DRACO: But I don't want to run a corporation!
LUCIUS: Listen, Narcissa...
DRACO: Draco.
LUCIUS: Draco. We are Deatheaters! Now that the war is over, everything we own has been confiscated by the Ministry! Except this bloody house that is in the middle of a bloody swamp! We need all the money we can get!
DRACO: But I don't like her!
LUCIUS: Don't like her?! You used to like her! You spent your whole adolescence dating her! And what's wrong with her, may I ask?! She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... stock options…
DRACO: I know, but I want the, the...person...that I marry to have...a certain... special... music ...something...
LUCIUS: (dangerously, fingering his pimp cane) I said, stop that. You are marrying Pansy Parkinson, Draco, so you'd better get used to the idea. smacks the back of his son's head Crabbe! Goyle! Make sure this blot on my family name doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
CRABBE: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GOYLE: Hic!
LUCIUS: No, no. Until I come and get him.
CRABBE: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
LUCIUS: No, no, no! You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
CRABBE: And you'll come and get him.
GOYLE: Hic!
LUCIUS: Right.
CRABBE: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
LUCIUS: (gritting his teeth) No! Leaving the room!
CRABBE: Leaving the room, yes.
LUCIUS: (in tones of exaggerated patience) All right?
CRABBE: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
LUCIUS: Yes, what is it?
CRABBE: Oh, if-if, oh—
LUCIUS: Look, it's quite simple.
CRABBE: Uh...
LUCIUS: You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?
GOYLE: Hic!
LUCIUS: Right.
CRABBE: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
LUCIUS: NO! You just keep him in here, and make sure—
CRABBE: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him—
LUCIUS: (hissing) Just…keep…him…in…here—
CRABBE: Until you, or anyone else--
LUCIUS: No…not…anyone…JUST ME—/i
CRABBE: Just you.
GOYLE: Hic!
LUCIUS: Get…back.
CRABBE:Get back.
LUCIUS: RIGHT?
CRABBE: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
LUCIUS: And make sure he doesn't leave.
CRABBE: What?
LUCIUS: Make sure my stupid idiot son doesn't leave!
CRABBE: Draco?
LUCIUS: (dripping with sarcasm) I only have one son, that I am aware of, Mr. Crabbe.
CRABBE: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant Goyle. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's not gonna leave before he gets his chance at the buffet table.
LUCIUS: Is everything clear now?
GOYLE: Hic!
CRABBE: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
LUCIUS: Right. starts to leave. Crabbe and Goyle follow him Excuse me?! Where are you going?
CRABBE: We're coming with you.
LUCIUS: No, I want you to stay here and make sure Draco doesn't leave! Gods! He was right when he said if you two were any slower, you'd be going backward!
CRABBE: Oh, I see. Right.
DRACO: But, Father!
LUCIUS: Shut your face. And get that suit on! And NO singing!
GOYLE: Hic!
LUCIUS: Oh, for Merlins' sake, Goyle! Go get a glass of water!
CUT TO: The Quidditch field, Hogwarts. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are trying to catch a pair of golden snitches, as a respite from their auror duties.
HARRY: Well taken, Ron
RON: Thank you, Harry! Most kind.
HARRY: And again... zooms over the top of the goal hoops in pursuit of the snitch Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one zooms over the tallest stands, reserved for important guests...Ooof! Come on, Ron!
An owl, obviously charmed to fly at ludicrous speeds, flies right at Ron. Its beak somehow impales itself into Ron's chest. A message is tied to its leg.
RON: Ow! Message from the Ministry, Harry!
Fwump! He falls off his broom
HARRY: Ron! Ron, speak to me!…"To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me! I am in the tall tower of Swamp Manor." Look at this, Ron! A call, a cry of distress! We haven't had such a thing since the war ended! Brave, brave Ron! You shall not have died in vain!
RON: Uh, I'm-I'm not exactly dead, Harry.
HARRY: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
RON: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, Harry.
HARRY: Oh, I see.
RON: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you—
HARRY: No, no, sweet Ron! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh)…What does Hermione call it again?
RON: Idiom.
HARRY: Idiom!
RON: I feel fine, actually.
HARRY: Farewell, sweet Ron! he zooms away
RON/b I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I? Yeah. shakes his head in disappointment It's what always happens in the end, isn't it?
CUT TO: Malfoy Manor
HARRY: Ha-ha! etc. He runs into the manor, blasting everything in sight with his wand
CRABBE: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
a bolt of green light hits him in the chest and he goes down
HARRY: Are you all right? I think if you put your arms around my waist we can both Apparate—(he sees Draco) oh, terribly sorry! It…is Malfoy isn't it?
DRACO: You got my note!
HARRY: Uh, well, I got a note.
DRACO: You've come to rescue me!
HARRY: Uh, well, no, you see—
DRACO: I knew that someone would! I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... music ...someone...
LUCIUS: Stop that! Stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
Harry freezes, his face growing rigid with disgust. His back is to Lucius.
DRACO: I'm your son!
LUCIUS: No, not you.
HARRY: You know who I am. Harry turns to face him.
DRACO: He's come to rescue me, Father!
HARRY: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
LUCIUS: (with loathing) Potter. Did you kill all those bodyguards?!
HARRY: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
LUCIUS: They cost fifty Galleons each.
HARRY: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
DRACO: Don't be afraid of him, Harry! I've got a rope all ready! holds up a rope of knotted bed sheets
LUCIUS: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
HARRY: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
LUCIUS: nods, glancing contemptuously at Draco I suppose I can understand that.
DRACO: Hurry, Harry! Hurry!
LUCIUS: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
HARRY: Well, I really didn't mean to...
LUCIUS: Didn't mean to?! You put a Reducto Curse right through his head!
HARRY: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
LUCIUS: And, you deflated the bride's chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!
HARRY: Well, I can explain. I was north of here I got an owl with this note, you see—
LUCIUS: North. You wouldn't happen to have been at Hogwarts, by any chance?
DRACO: Hurry it up, Potter!! he attaches the rope sheet to one of his bedposts and begins climbing out of the window
HARRY: contemptuously Can't reveal the location. Aurors are forbidden—
LUCIUS: Huh. You made it through the training Academy, then. Once they let you out of St. Mungo's.
HARRY: Yes.
DRACO: Hurry, I'm ready!
LUCIUS: nods, as if he has made up his mind about something Well, would you like to let bygones be bygones and come and have a drink?
HARRY: (sarcastically) Nice of you, but I never drink anything from known enemies.
DRACO: I am ready! he starts to climb down
LUCIUS: Then don't have a drink. Just come down and settle your bill. With the damage done to about 20 bodyguards, the Messer's Crabbe and Goyle, Mortus Parkinson, and Pansy, I estimate that you owe me and these other persons present about two thousand Galleons. He shoots a hex at the bed sheet rope, splitting it in two. Draco plummets out of sight
DRACO: Oooh!
HARRY: shrugs When I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit carried away.
LUCIUS: (dryly) So I see. Well, whether you get carried away or not, you do owe these people an explanation, not to mention some form of reparation. The war is over, and they are my guests, and you have attacked them without warning and for no legitimate reason. Tsk! How would that look to the Ministry? Not to mention the Daily Prophet?
HARRY: (coldly) Very well.
Outside, Draco splats on the ground
CUT TO: the main hall of Malfoy Manor. Everyone is wailing and cradling injured loved ones. A few people are going through the pockets of the dead.
LUCIUS: (drawling and amused, now that he has Harry over a barrel, so to speak) Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one large lounge area once the dowry check clears…
GUEST: There he is!
LUCIUS: (mutters) Oh, bloody hell.
HARRY: Ha-ha! He plunges in among the guests, shooting hexes and curses everywhere
LUCIUS: (stops him with ropes shot from his wand)/b Hold it a moment, if you please!
HARRY: (flailing his arms as he struggles to stay upright)/b Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone!
GUEST/b He's killed the best man!
Everybody starts yelling/b
LUCIUS: Hold it, please! Hold it! I am sure that most of you remember…The Boy Who Lived.
HARRY: Hello.
LUCIUS: He is now a very influential Auror, and my special guest here today.
GUEST: He killed my auntie!
Everybody starts yelling again
LUCIUS: rolls his eyes Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Draco, has just fallen to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father—
GUEST: He's not quite dead!
LUCIUS: Since the near fatal wounding of her father—
GUEST: He's getting better! Guest is assisting Mr. Parkinson, who is trying to stand up
LUCIUS: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,--nods at MacNair, who is leaning against a nearby wall
MR. PARKINSON: Ugh! MacNair Avada Kedavra's him and he dies
GUEST: He's died!
LUCIUS: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
Everyone claps, including Pansy, who seems to be in shock
LUCIUS: mutters to Harry Lovely that our new conservative Minister has lifted the penalty on Avada Kedavra, isn't it? b(Harry glares at him)/b
LUCIUS: (more loudly) And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between
Pansy, daughter of the Honorable Horace Parkinson and Harry Potter, First Auror of the Ministry of Magic—
HARRY: What?!
GUEST: Look! The Dead Groom!
RON (sarcastically): He's not quite dead!
DRACO: No, I feel much better.
LUCIUS: You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!
DRACO: No, I was saved at the last minute.
LUCIUS: How?!
DRACO: Well, I'll tell you...music
LUCIUS: Not like that! NOT LIKE THAT! No, stop it!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
LUCIUS: SHUT UP!!
SINGING/b He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
RON: Quick, Harry! This way!
HARRY: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape...(sigh)
RON: Dramatically?
HARRY:Yes! Dramatically! He jumps onto his broomstick and attempts to fly out of a window, but the window is somehow charmed so that he gets stuck in it, broom and all
HARRY: Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?