"What the hell are we doing?" said Alyssa.
"We're waiting." replied Kevin calmly.
"Oh, well. Guess I'll shut my goddamn mouth, then." The reporter took a seat against the rotting wood of the cabin, making periodic checks for insects. "I mean, I wouldn't want to interrupt our aimless waiting. It's not like there's an entire city full of monsters chasing after us."
"Yeah, cause, check out all this urban city around us." Kevin waved an arm at the foggy forest they currently inhabited, idly kicking an unfortunate rock that found itself in his path. "I tell ya, it really, it really makes me miss the outdoors." He patted the cabin door and wasn't too surprised when part of it fell off. "Look at this mighty skyscraper here! How mankind could have constructed such a modern-day marvel out of mere wood and prayers I'll never know."
"What I don't understand," said Alyssa slowly, "And mind you, there's many, many things here that I don't understand, what I don't understand is, how come we can't wait inside the cabin? I'm freezing my tits off out here!"
"As hot as that is," replied the cop, stretching his arms, "The guide was very specific. We follow the crazy axe murderer down to the bride dodging plant zombies along the way, we come back up, we hang out outside the cabin until the bridge breaks, then we go inside and there'll be a woman in there. I'm telling you, this is our best course of action. How ya hanging up, Yoko?"
"I'm- doing- fine-" panted the Japanese student as she ran past for the thirty-fourth time. "Wish- I could stop- running though-"
"Don't we all, don't we all." Kevin replied vaguely as he thumbed some earwax.
Alyssa shifted her seat in the cabin's gravel and batted away an annoying cobweb. "As much as I disliked the idea of following that crazy old fart anywhere, at least we were doing something. Hell, I bet the others are in Atlanta by now. Remind me again why we decided to be in Kevin's group, Yoko?"
"You said- he looked- like he had a big-"
A blush rose to the blonde's cheeks, and she glared at Kevin as he waggled his eyebrows at her. "Th- the other reason!"
"Oh…" Yoko stopped running long enough to hold out her hand and offer Alyssa an herb. "I… I actually want to keep this, but… I need an excuse to stop running… Exhausted…"
"It's alright, don't worry." Poor thing had been scampering around nonstop since they'd returned to the cabin. "There's one thing to be said about this whole zombie invasion thing, at least I can skip going to the gym on Thursday."
"Don't… remind me…"
"Aaaany day now!" Kevin whistled cheerfully as he checked his watch. "You gotta wonder what Al's thinking right about now. He goes to all the trouble of pretending to be a nice old man, leads us through the monster-infested woods, gets all psyched up about feeding us to his evil plant-wife, and then we don't show. I almost feel sorry for him."
"Now, see, me, I don't almost feel sorry for him, because he wants to kill us." snapped Alyssa. "But that's just me talking. So, let's say for a moment that you're right, and some woman's going to randomly show up in there when the bridge breaks. How will we know?"
"Cutscene." replied Kevin mystically. "Look, just trust me, okay? I totally read the guide. This is the fastest, safest way through the scenario. No crazy giant plant, no psycho axe murderer, just some scary woods and a few mutant plant men."
"Which is of course a billion times better."
"Of course it is!" The cop cried. He sat down next to Alyssa on the cabin's front porch and spoke in the weary tones of a teacher trying to instruct a dim pupil. "Look, this way we won't have to worry about finding keys to get through an abandoned hospital, or hunting down syringes to destroy giant plants. All we have to do is find some stupid little girl. It's like an act of freaking charity!"
"It does seem… the nobler course of action." said Yoko, beginning to get her breath back. She began performing quad stretches to prepare for her next bout of aimless running. "And really, the plant-men are quite sweet. I mean, I'm glad they can't get in here, but dodging them at least keeps my mind off the running." She waved at the plant zombies on the other side of the trail, who were staring at the trio in pitiful helplessness.
"You'd think they would come over here and get us, it's not like there's any obstacles-" Alyssa began, before Kevin clamped a hand over her mouth.
"Shut up! Shut your goddamn mouth! Don't give them ideas!" he hissed. "If they think there's an invisible line, there's an invisible line. Okay? Okay." He took his hand off her mouth and waved at the group of zombies, who at this point had resorted to nibbling on small rodents that scampered by. "Hi, guys! Man, it's a shame you can't get over here and devour our flesh. Good thing we're safe over here, huh guys?"
He turned back to Alyssa and tapped his forehead, beaming. "See? Mind over matter. That's like one of the first things they teach us at the RPD."
The reporter frowned. "No, the first thing they teach you at the RPD is to Never Jump To Conclusions (Especially In The Matter Of Missing Hikers). I did a story on the training course once."
"Well, ain't we the sassy one." The cop idly tossed some pebbles on to the ground. "You remind me of Jill. Wonder what she's up to."
"She's being chased around by a 300-pound rocket-launching tentacled freak in a trenchcoat." replied Alyssa vaguely, leaning back and closing her eyes. "Ran into her friend when we were coming out of the hospital- goddamn leeches. Apparently he's a South American mercenary, he was looking for an antidote to the virus because Valentine was infected after battling The Nemesis in a burning church."
"Maaaan, S.T.A.R.S has all the fun." Kevin complained. "Maybe we should have just given him some Daylight?"
"Nah. He also said he was looking for a Water Key to get past the third gate in the chapel." Alyssa frowned and rubbed her temples as if nearing the fringes of some great Truth. "Hey, is it just me, or is everyone in this damn town obsessed with puzzles? I mean I'm not exactly what you'd call exempt, I've got my front door locked with a number puzzle and hid the answer in a memo taped underneath my grill…"
"I locked myself out of my kitchen when I couldn't find the second emblem piece to the painting hanging in my den." commented Yoko, rubbing her calves and taking a swig of water. "Had to get dinner from the 7-11 down the street for a week." She rubbed her hands and took off rubbing, occasionally calling out "KEVIN!" or "ALYSSA!" in-between breaths. She was promptly ignored.
"Yeah, I always wondered why we have that weird statue in the precinct hall." mused Kevin. "I always thought Chief Irons just sorta liked having a naked bust around."
"And then… this." The reporter pointed at the group of zombies to their left, who were pointlessly shambling around and occasionally grabbing each other before realizing the other's identity and moaning something sheepishly. "Just what the hell is keeping them from waltzing over here and tearing us limb from limb? Not that I'm complaining."
"Dunno." replied Kevin, laying his head down on her lap. She shoved him off, scowling. "Keep going, though. All this conspiracy talk is getting me hot."
"Any of you guys want lunch?" Yoko asked as she jogged by, unslinging her backpack and rummaging through its contents. "I packed for three."
"Nah, the destruction of all I once held dear kinda ruined my appetite." Kevin said apologetically, then sniffed the musky cabin wall. "The fact that this place smells worse than the burning city of the dead we just escaped from doesn't help either."
"And- and the herbs-" Alyssa continued, ignoring both of them. "How exactly does that work? Are they, like, magic, or are we just smoking them, or…?"
"You sure?" Yoko's hand came out with the crumpled remains of what probably used to be a ham sandwich in its past life. "You need carbs if you want to keep running away from the undead. Besides, I need to get rid of something so I can make space for the Handgun Ammo I just found."
"And that's another thing!" cried Alyssa exasperatedly. "What's all this talk of 'spaces'? Couldn't you just put the sandwich in your pocket, or something?"
Kevin and Yoko looked at her for a moment, then burst out laughing.
"Put it in her pocket? Oh, that's rich." chortled Kevin. "Everyone knows a person can only hold four things at any given time. Yoko can hold eight because she wears a backpack."
Alyssa tore at her hair in frustration. "And that doesn't strike you as weird?"
"Is it weird that David can create deadly weapons out of household items?" Kevin scoffed. "Is it weird that we never get dirty despite the fact that we haven't bathed in days? And for that matter, is it weird that you yourself carry a lockpick on you everywhere you go?"
"Alright, if you guys aren't hungry I'll just give it to the zombies." Yoko stopped running long enough to chuck a pair of sandwiches at the nearby plant-zombies, who fell over moaning in annoyance. Shrugging, she took a bite of her own meal before spitting it out in distaste. "Euch! Tuna! Here, they can have this, it suits them." There was a muffled thud as the plastic-wrapped sandwich struck an unfortunate zombie in the forehead.
"I don't know, it's… it's a little weird…" Alyssa rubbed her forehead, trying to gather her thoughts. Why did she carry a lockpick everywhere? Just because she was a reporter? It didn't make any sense…
There was a distant sound of crashing. "Oh, well, there's that bridge." Kevin beamed. "Yoko! Hey, the bridge is down, we can go in now!"
"Oh, thank God!" The college student bent over and massaged her legs. "That's about all the running I can take for one day, thank you…"
"And- and if the virus spreads so fast, how come the eight of us are still alive? How come our virus meter resets itself every time we enter a new area? And why is it that-"
"Yes, yes, you're very clever." Kevin soothed as he took Alyssa by the shoulder and guided her into the cabin. Yoko followed shortly afterwards, leaving the forest quiet save for the moaning of the zombies and a few muffled voices from inside.
"H-how the hell did you get in here, who is this lady-"
"-the hell's wrong with her?"
"-sorry ma'am, think it's some kinda breakdown, spouting off nut job theories about herbs and and puzzles, whole ordeal has been very stressful, we-"
One of the zombies tripped over a protruding root and came face to face with the discarded lunch items. Curiosity sparked in the hunk of decaying flesh that was its mind, and it reached over and took a bite of Kevin's sandwich.
Its companions heard its chilling moans and interpreted accordingly. "Jesus Christ, you guys-" it said in the tone of a man emerging from a dark tunnel to the sight of a sun-filled valley. "This stuff kicks the shit out of brains!"
((A/N: Probably the most surreal moment I've seen in a survival horror game is the "An End To Wandering" ending in the "Flashback" scenario of Outbreak File #2. You start in this rotting cabin, meet this creepy old man who offers to lead you through the zombie-infested woods, allow him to lure you down to a creaky bridge, all according to the horror genre guidelines, and then you just... turn... back? And then a woman randomly appears in the cabin. This is how I pictured my team's reaction. Yoko couldn't freaking stand still and insisted on running around aimlessly, so there's that.))