-1Title: Emptiness
Chapter title: Emptiness
Summary: James Is messed up...he is cold but cant feel...but what happens when the person that stole all this away from him gives it all back? Sequel is now posted! its Watching Emptiness! Please read that too!
Text:
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Hope that you enjoy! And there is a sequel to this story and its in waiting, so please see the authors note at the bottom of more information! So lets get this started!
James potter sat on the chair in front of the common room fire. It was late, very late, around three in the morning, no one was awake, no one cared whether he was sleeping soundly in his bed or coping with uncontrollable misery. So he sat there on the chair in front of the fire undisturbed unwanted and empty. He felt no warmth from the fire, no heat from the air or the blanket that lay folded on his lap. All he felt was a cold emptiness, the feeling of being numb.
It had been like this for the past year, him not feeling any thing, not even his own emotion. His family hadn't noticed seeing as they are always away on Aruor business, but Sirius and Remus did. They asked him every day if he was fine, what was going on, and what went on inside his head, but other wise no one noticed.
Why couldn't he feel the warmth from the fire or from his own body heat? Where had his emotion gone, he felt nothing for so long, happiness had become alien to him along with anger, hunger, sadness and, joy. But he did feel those emotions from others, they were theirs though not his own. Why was he chosen to undertake this eternal feeling of emptiness?
Here I'll show you the previous events of today…
It was a early December day, a cold frosty wind blew through the air and a thin layer of snow buried the grass under its blanket of white. James walked out of the castle and in to the nippy air. Today was just like the day before and tomorrow will be the same as today, this cold emptiness filling his soul.
He walked emotion less toward the forest, slowly James made his way through the treed in to a hidden inner lake. It wasn't frozen over yet but in a week the lake would have a solid ice layer as a top. James walked along the shore line lost in thought, until he came to a bank that no one on the grounds or in the castle could see.
He quickly took off his jumper, socks, shirt, shoes and pants, throwing them in to a pile away from the waters edge. James stood there in nothing but his knickers oblivious to the twenty degrees that the air was, for he could not feel, nothing at all. He then walked in to the water, James wadded deeper in to the water till it was around his waist then dove head first in to its icy liquid.
It was cold, freezing to be exact but then his body returned to the familiar numb feeling that it had grown to become accustom to and despise.
Soon James heard a nagging voice at the back of his head say 'You're being watched, can you feel it?' I asked over and over again as if rubbing in the fact that he could not feel.
'No I can't feel it you dimwit! And if some one is watching me then let them watch, I have nothing to be ashamed of…' he said back to the voice.
'They are still there…' said the voice. James swashed around till he faced the bank where his clothing was. No one was there, or at least not that he could see…
Turning once again so his back was to the shore he took one last breath and dove in to the lakes black depths. James opened his eyes under the water but saw only but two feet in front of him, it was dark so very dark. Deeper and deeper he swam in to the lakes black depths till his head felt like it would implode from lack of oxygen and the pressure of the water.
Slowly James made his way back to the surface. His head bobbed at the top of the water, when he opened his eyes there standing at the shore was Lily Evans. James just looked at her expression less.
"What are you doing?" She asked. Curiosity filled her voice, and you there was something else there, something he couldn't describe.
"Swimming." James stated. Every conversation he had ever had with her turned to him hating himself. He already did that enough, he didn't need it any more.
"Aren't you cold?" Lily said in soft tone, he figured she knew he didn't want to talk to her.
"No." was all he said.
Lily looked at him rather intrigued, she raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"
"Because I not." He kept his answers short, maybe she'd get the hint.
"Why aren't you though? That cant be normal" she always had to be the know it all.
"Because…Because I don't feel anything anymore! Why cant you just understand that! Haven't for a year!" He was starting to get admitted with her persistent questioning.
"You don't feel anything?"
"No." when would she leave? James wondered to himself.
"How, you must feel something?"
"I don't ok? I don't feel the heat from the fire, I don't feel the coolness in the icy water, I don't even feel my own emotions anymore!"
"That's not possible." She said sitting down in the snow staring intently at him, she wasn't leaving soon. This he now knew. "every one needs to feel…" she added in a whisper, james only barly heard her.
"I don't." he said flatly.
"Yes you do! And get out of the water before you catch hypothermia!" She yelled standing up again.
"Its not like you care…" where did she get off telling him to get out of the water, he liked it there, everything felt so weightless, like he was free…
"Your right I don't! But your turning blue and I want you out of that water right now!" her anger rose. Every conversation they just ended in an argument… like always.
"And if I don't." He said it was meant to be a taunt but the expression on his face didn't seem to mix with his words. It was nothing, just a blank look,
"God Potter I was just trying to look out for you and be nice!"
"No you were trying to be controlling and over protective." Saying this he knew how it sounded and yet he wasn't yelling.
"God I don't know why I try with you! I Just don't!"
"Nether do I…" he said more to himself then to her…
"I HATE YOU POTTER! I HATE YOU!" She yelled, it seemed to echo through the surrounding trees.
"Well that makes two of us…" But this she never heard.
Lily ran away and back in to the castle tears staining her porcelain white skin.
And that is why he cant sleep, why he couldn't feel, why he felt so empty inside…
Suddenly James felt a stab of fear. It was so large that inside his head he could hear the ear shattering scream that was erupting in the locked places of his skull. But the feeling was not his, no, it belonged to the person who had awoken from their night fright but somehow he could feel it too…
James felt no need to find this person, comfort them, and or let them cry on his shoulder. So he sat there in his chair but the fire feeling numb, and nothing else at all.
There was a crack on the staircase, the hair on the back of his neck started to stand on end. James needn't look away from the fire, he needn't look to see who it is, for he already knew. He could feel her when she entered the room, but usually what he felt was a short time of warmth sensation and a tingle in his fingers but it would only last for a second then be gone. But know no such feeling came Just a shiver and more numbness.
What startled James was the fact that Lily had flung her self on him, knocking the folded blanket to the floor. James found that she had wrapped her arms around his neck and was crying in to the crook of his shoulder.
Suddenly but surly he felt the emotions rise with in himself, a thing he hadn't felt for such a long time. He felt the urge to comfort her, to chase away all her demons, to make her feel safe and above all loved. But he didn't do anything, he just sat there not understanding was going on.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it." she sobbed. With out realizing he had done so he placed his hand on her back and started to rub her back.
"its.. All… right?" He said not knowing what to say for he still was left in confusion.
"No its not James Its not." she managed to get out between her sobs. James had no idea what she was rambling about but he let her continue.
"James I'm so sorry, I don't hate you I don't." He didn't know what she was saying, but it struck him… As she said this James felt another feeling that had became alien to him over the past year: Happiness , but really was that it? Had he forgotten what happiness felt like?
"James, I'm sorry…" Lily mumbled as she drifted in to sleep during mid sentence.
In those few minutes Lily had given him emotion, feeling, and hope. She had helped him to gather parts of himself, though not all, but made him fell somewhat human again. She had helped him whether she meant to or not, and to that he was grateful to her.
James sat there in his char in front of the common room fire with a sleeping Lily on his lap. He sat there stroking her hair while her breath warmed his neck. Their hearts beat side by side, and with each coming and passing beat he grew stronger, the emptiness in his soul slowly began to fill, but still some remained lost…
"Lily." He needed to wake her.
"Lily." James bent down and kissed her temple, she just snuggled closer and deeper in to him.
James then picked her up and walked towards the girls staircase, he jiggled the left railing in the stairs making sure that they would not turn in to a slide. He then proceeded to take Lily to her room. He quickly found Lily's bed tucked her in and kissed her forehead and tucked her in.
"Goodnight Lily." He whispered in her ear before turning to leave. He made it only three steps before he
She a small whisper.
"Don't leave me James, take me with you." is what he was sure it has said… but he wasn't sure.
"What?" he asked out of confusion.
"Don't leave me, take me with you." She said tears streaming down her face. "Please, I don't want to be frightened anymore take me with you, please." He knelt down beside her, He looked deep into her damp emerald eyes. She was afraid you could tell…but he couldn't stay.
"Lily you know that I cant stay with you here in the girls dorm."
"I'm not asking you to, just take me with you, I don't care where we go just don't leave me." she pleaded,
Her eyes, emerald green, stood out in the darkness only lit by a candle across the small room. He struggled to think of a way to give her what she wanted. What she pleaded for.
"Will you come with me to the boys dorm?" he asked. I was all he could think of, knowing Sirius, Remus, and Peter would not bother them in the morning.
"Will you be there with me?" she asked as if testing him, tears no longer streamed down the side of her face but still welled in the eyes, those eyes he'd do anything for.
"Of course."
"ok." was all she said.
James nodded and picked her up once more. He walked down the staircase and up another till he reached the door to his dorm. James opened the door and carried Lily over to his bed where he laid her down gently and crawled in next to her after closing the curtains. Lily pulled the blanket over the top of them and snuggled up close to him.
"James don't ever leave me." she said under her breath.
"Never will Lily, no matter how hard you try and pull away I'll never leave you." he made it sound as a promise… and he half hoped he would be able to keep it. She leaned up and kissed him, Soft and slow, beautiful and innocent…Just like Lily. Fireworks exploded in James' eyes and a flame sprouted in his stomach. Lily pulled away.
"thank you." She said her eyes still closed, she buried her head in to his t-shirt.
"why?" he asked her.
"For coming back to me." She said in the mists a yawn broke out of her mouth. He didn't say anything.Lily snuggled back down in to his chest slipping off in to a peaceful slumber.
James lie there still awake. He was all there now, he could feel every thing once again, her body, the heat, and total bliss. It felt as if he was dead then given a new chance, a chance to start over…
He was whole again, full, Lily had done this for him, she completed him to the fullest extent. He was missing love and that is just what she gave, her love.
"I love you Lily." He whispered in to the night air before drifting off to sleep himself.