BAM! I'm still alive. Sorry about the HUGE delays with the other fics. It's just that Episode 8.23 "Time Bomb" really screwed with... a lot. That and I'm kind of depressed over a few other things. I'm working on the other stuff too. Just give me a while.
To Sleep
"I knew I'd find you in here".
Rick looked up from his pillow, his eyes falling on the redhead standing in the bedroom doorway. The only light was coming from the hallway, the bedroom mostly filled with the bluish tinge of darkness. Although Horatio was tempted to walk over and pull open the heavy drapes that covered the bedroom windows, he knew that it would be unwelcome. He watched as the man on the bed turned on the mattress, making the thick comforters wrap over his bare shoulders.
"Can we talk, Rick?"
Horatio stepped into the room, trying to pick up as much as he could from the low light. A pile of clothes was on the floor right next to the bed, a heap of what resembled a white plush robe sitting next to it. On the nightstand was a box of tissues, the used and wadded-up items in and around the waste bin, some sitting on the mattress near Rick's head. Next to the most likely half empty tissue box was a partially consumed pear sitting on a paper napkin. And next to that was a drawing pad with a few pencils and rough sketches of wire figures.
"I'm worried about you".
"I'm fine".
The brunette curled into a ball on the bed. He wanted to wish that Horatio would just back off… but he knew that he really wanted that redhead to push him until he cracked. It was all part of their on/off relationship. You just keep on pushing and irritating the issue until someone snaps. The aim is not to induce a full breakdown, but to create a situation that would let both vent.
"Don't give me that, Rick. You're falling apart".
"I can bounce back".
"You've been crying. And don't try to deny it, I felt it since I first stepped foot in this house".
Rick closed his eyes, another tear fell, but it was better than trying to keep them open. They felt like they had been aching for days… weeks. The throbbing pain they created in his forehead felt like someone was pressing his skull into a brick wall. He was at the point where anything could make the tears come back; the slightest fragment of a memory, the smallest glace at a photograph. Triggers for the next wave were everywhere, he just had to avoid setting them off… especially with Horatio standing so close.
"Crying's good for you," Rick muttered, rubbing his sore eyes, "it relieves stress".
"Bullshit," Horatio half-growled, "You've been in here for weeks. You're not relieving stress, you're hiding".
Rick felt his heart jump to his throat as the bed dipped, Horatio sitting down on the edge of the mattress.
"I saw the downstairs, Rick," the redhead whispered, "Your entire DVD collection must have been sprawled out on the floor. You've been watching films non-stop since I brought you back here".
"So?"
"And," Horatio pressed on, "you're not wearing anything".
Rick tried to force a laugh, but only was able to make a trace of a smirk, "You know that I sleep naked. It wasn't just for you".
"And I also know that you only nap topless… and that it's the middle of the day".
Breathing a sigh into his pillow, Rick knew that Horatio was on the right track. It was a conclusion he had reached many times over when he lay there awake in bed. It was also a conclusion that he did nothing about.
"You once told me," Horatio breathed softly, "that every time you fell asleep, for no matter how long, you had a dream. And now, your films giving your imagination enough fodder, you're just trying to sleep the rest of your life away. The only thing keeping you from being empty right now are those dreams. And when you can't sleep, you draw. Either way, you're just creating a fictional thing that you want to be reality".
"Horatio".
"The clothes on the floor are the ones I brought you home in! You probably haven't moved much aside from here and the bathroom to take a shower. For days, Rick! Weeks! Do you even know what month it is?"
"I haven't been like this for that long".
"Tell me what day it is".
Rick paused to think. "Late May?"
"It's June 11th!"
"I lose track of time when I sleep".
"And that's just the problem, you think you can escape the world. That's why you stole from evidence. That's why you did heroin. You figured out that you can't find happiness in money or drugs, so now what? Do you think you can just sleep? Rick, this is suicide! How much are you even eating? Something tells me that that pear was yesterday's breakfast, lunch, and dinner"
"I just want to sleep!" Rick snapped, "And so what if I don't want to… wake... up…"
Horatio watched as Rick pulled the blankets around a little tighter. His heart sank as he heard the younger man choke softly. Rick crumbled quickly, it taking only seconds before he reached blindly behind him for the tissues. Unable to do much more than watch, Horatio listened to the soft chokes turn into heavy sobs. His stomach and his throat felt like they were knotting; it was like watching his inner self. It was like watching the part of him who mourned everyone who he ever lost, the pain unbearable and constant.
Sighing sadly, Horatio toed off his shoes and socks, leaving them next to Rick's pile of clothes. He climbed up onto the mattress, putting his hand on Rick's shoulder.
"No, Horatio," Rick moaned, trying not to show his face. "I wasn't your charity when we hooked up, and I'm not it now".
"I'm a little concerned when your method for killing yourself is slow and painful," Horatio murmured, letting his lips touch Rick's ear and soft brown hair.
"I don't want to… I just… I want to start over… I…"
With one slow and shaky breath, Rick felt the blankets get pulled aside. The bed dipped more as Horatio straddled the younger man's bare hips, kissing along his neck and moaning soothingly.
"Horatio, what are you doing?"
The redhead rested their chests together and spoke into Rick's shoulder. "You're not alone. And you shouldn't be".
"Now isn't the time for this".
"There's always time for this, Rick. You did the same for me when I needed someone".
"Horatio. Stop. You're the only one who gives a damn about me".
"You know that's not true".
"You know it is!"
Sitting up, Horatio looked into Rick's swollen and bloodshot eyes for the first time. His heart sank when he saw the younger man's flushed and tear-streaked face. The soft lips that Horatio had no idea how many times he had kissed looked like they would never smile again.
"Horatio, please," Rick whispered, turning his face away.
"I know we said that this would never be more than a few fucks every now and again. But you really do deserve more than that".
"I don't want pity!"
Horatio watched as the tears began pooling next to the bridge of Rick's nose. A slight turn of his head made them tumble off his face and onto the pillow. He sniffled again before turning onto his stomach and burying his face in his hands.
"I know you don't," the redhead cooed as he flattened himself out along Rick's back, resting his chin on the younger man's shoulder, "Nobody does".
"Then why are you here?"
"Because I worry about you. I have for a long time. And I hate myself for not seeing this before". Horatio stopped to sigh, breathing in the scent of Rick's shampoo and admiring the warmth of the other man's body against his cheek. "People treat you like shit all the time and I was too arrogant to think that you wouldn't try to escape that somehow. And with what the team did to you… I know this is partially my fault".
"So you bailed me out because you felt guilty".
"I got you out of prison because you're not a thief… or an addict".
"But I stole evide-"
"Just because you stole…" the redhead paused, sighing deeply as he tried one last time to convince himself that he wasn't just doing this for Rick, "at heart, I know you're not. At heart, you're a good, decent, and honest man".
Rick shifted slightly, getting used to Horatio's weight against his back. "You know that's not true".
"But you should know it is". He pressed his lips against Rick Stetler's bare shoulder, stopping to nuzzle the side of his face against the younger man's neck. "You're too good to live the rest of your life alone, hiding like this. And I know you're afraid to get help because, if anything goes wrong, you think that there's nobody to go to. I'm here, Rick. I'll be here for as long as you need me. I'll take time off if I have to".
Slowly, Horatio lifted himself off Rick, lowering his body down next to the brunette. He reached down and pulled the covers back over them, hoping that he wouldn't get kicked out. Rick hesitated for only a brief moment before he turned to face the older man.
"Why do you care?" he whispered hoarsely, his aching eyes refusing to open enough to see Horatio's face clearly.
"You did the same for me," the redhead said softly, "You knew what happened in Rio. I got back to find you were waiting in my living room. And then we went right upstairs and did the exact same thing we're doing now".
Rick sighed and pulled the other man close to him, more comfort coming with the contact. Their foreheads rested together, arms draped over each other's hips. Instinctively, Horatio tilted his head and slowly dragged his lips over Rick's; not even caring that he wasn't kissed back.
"Horatio?"
"Do you want me to stay?"
Rick half-nodded before he winced in pain and rested his head on the pillow.
"Headache?"
"Yeah".
"Want me to get you anything for it?"
"No, I'll sleep it off".
The redhead nodded. "I'll be here when you wake up. We can do this… just one day at a time".
"Thank you," Rick whispered, watching as much as his sore eyes would let him as Horatio pulled off his shirt and loosened his pants before lying back down. "Horatio?"
"Hmm?"
"Our relationship… I don't want to rush into things again"
"I'll do anything that would just make you happy, Rick".
The younger man smiled, yawning once before his tall and slender body sunk into the mattress and pillow. Horatio smiled and gently ran the back of his hand along Rick's jaw, feeling his breaths even out. The redhead cuddled into his new lover's embrace, closing his eyes and beginning his wait for morning.