AGAIN
Hollyoaks Village!
It's weird looking around. Everything looks the same, yet so different. Same buildings, new colours, old and new shop signs. Some people I recognise, vaguely or well, others I don't. It doesn't matter, really. It's not what I'm focusing on as I walk those familiar streets.
I thought I'd never be back here. I mean, not like this, on my own, totally broken ... without him!How could he do this to us? I thought life had been good but then he totally ruined it. I mean, we'd been together for, what, four five years, depending on how you looked at it. And then all of a sudden he was gone ... I was gone. And he wasn't with me anymore.
What would mum say when she'd see me? "I told you so!"? "He was never right for you!"? I bet it's nothing nice about him, in any case.
I know I've thought the same thing. About him. That we weren't right.
Still, I know I still love him. Always have. And I know I'm wrong about him being wrong for me. He was … Correction, he is right for me. And that's why I'm back here. To get him back!
Again!
To this day I don't understand why I left on that coach from Dublin. I mean, we were expecting our baby ... our son ... and I bottled it after he was born. Things had been weird between us for a while when he came up with this idea ... to have a baby.
I admit, I'd been a bit lost since my graduation. I mean, I did get a job right away, even with the recession and all, but it wasn't exactly what I'd been hoping for. It paid alright, though, and we had a good life, financially, even while he was still studying for his teacher's degree, but somehow I wasn't happy. I started going out with mates, more so than he could with all his college work, and most mornings I'd go to work hung over.
When he'd complain about my partying, I'd get irritated. Sometimes I'd bring up his drinking during those first few months in Dublin, but even when I didn't, I used it to justify my behaviour to myself – that I deserved a night out for suffering him at the time.
I know I'm wrong, but that's just what I thought at the time. I'm trying to be honest here.
A baby was definitely not the solution, though. I know that.
Still, I'm sorry not to have been there for John Paul's … our son. It's his first birthday today, you know. And I can't wait to finally see him – to be a part of his life.
I've finally come back to Hollyoaks. For him and him.
To get them both back!
Again!
He doesn't see me as I enter the McQueen house. She does, however, my mum. She's there right in the middle of the McQueen's. Like she's one of them.
I hadn't expected that. Then again, I hadn't been in touch all that much since she called me about seeing baby Matthew for the first time. I know she adored him, but still I hadn't expected her to be a part of his life.
I can see now how wrong I was about her.
There she was, holding my son in one arm, with the other one around John Paul's waist, hugging him tightly towards her, giggling at him, just before she realises that I'm there.
Her face almost explodes with an avalanche of emotions – joy, surprise, shock, anger – making him turn to inspect the cause of her sudden change.
I'm taken aback by the look on his face.
The pale beauty is still there, and I feel a rush of emotions as I look into his eyes across the room. Tears well up in my eyes – it hurts to look at him. His beautiful eyes remain fixed on me and everything and everyone else in the room seem to disappear as our stare locks on each other.
I know it's only a short moment, but it feels like an eternity where little by little I realise other aspects of his expression. He looks tired, sad, frightened. And a moment later he breaks the connection and averts his eyes. My eyes remain locked to his and I see who he's looking at.
And I realise that there's an obstacle. That I need to prove that our love is for keeps. That whoever this is isn't the man for him. That I need to win him back.
Again!