A Little Piece of Heaven - Oneshot.
Written by xBringMeSunshine.
This was originally going to be for the 'Lovin' in the Oven' Contest, but I'd lost inspiration nearer the due date. Anyway, I got it back and finished it tonight, so I decided to post it anyway. I'm really quite proud of this oneshot, so we'll see if you like it. Hopefully all the facts etc. are correct - I did research but there is always room for mistakes. On the subject of mistakes, I'm looking for a beta. If you can recommend, or think you'd be able to help me, message/review and I'll get back to you. (: Read on, and please review at the end! Enjoy.
~ALPOH~
This has to be one of the most beautiful places in the world.
Just a few hundred miles outside the centre of Chicago is Oakwood; a small rural village, with a community of under 2000 people. It's a gorgeous setting. In the middle of this tiny town are many little shops boasting the best bread, cakes and wine that you can find in America. Each shop and each home built intricately with red bricks and black slated roofs. They have the window shutters and the white picket fences too.
Ten minutes out of that miniature village and you encounter one of the most wonderful glasshouses I've ever seen. Being part of the Oakwood Gardening and Botanical Centre, it is just as lovely as the rest of the little town. But the glasshouse is the main attraction. Wide and shiny, with a dome roof - the sun streams directly into the structure and glints off of every surface.
Even my engagement ring.
It sparkles as the setting sun streams down on the four of us. The heat isn't as unbearable as it had been hours before and the smell of freshness makes me hum from the inside, out. I stand here, taking in the surroundings, the murmur of my fiancé and his sister in the background. My feet ache but when you're standing in such a magnificent place, pain ceases to exist. All my attention is taken up by knowing that this place - this marvellous building - would be perfect for a wedding.
And all my heart can tell me is that… this isn't me.
I can imagine the room now, as it had looked in Weddings Weekly (a magazine Alice had insisted every bride needed a subscription to). I could see the marble floors looking squeaky clean; the chandelier hanging delicately from the middle of the dome, with the sunlight drifting onto every diamond and the room sparkling - like a fairytale. I could see the matching glass tables, dotted around the room with the dance floor in the middle. But out of everyone dancing on that marble floor, I wasn't one of them.
You see, I am not one of those girls that needs to be spoiled to feel special. Just Edward's presence makes me feel special every day - I'm so lucky to have him. But he, himself, feels like he isn't enough for me. When I tell him that this notion is utterly ridiculous, he says that he wants to give me the world, for I have given him the gift of myself. He puts me on a pedestal; he calls me an 'angel' and while all these things make me feel wanted, and make me blush I can't help but feel that I'll never measure up to this woman he wants me to be.
That fact scares me more than anything else in the world.
Edward turns around in my peripheral vision and I blink my thoughts away. He bounds up to me like a little boy on Christmas Day and his smile is so bright that I can't help but try to match it with my own. His happiness is my happiness. His eyes are sparkling when he says, "This is the place Bella, isn't it? This is the place." His voice is full of excitement that I can't bare to tell him that this place is too marvellous for plain Bella Swan (soon to be Cullen).
His arm circles around my waist and I instantly shuffle into my place on his side - the safest place in the world. I lean my head on his shoulder and look around the place one more, still in awe at the grandeur of it all. I sigh, "It certainly is beautiful."
His hand cups my cheek and his thumb strokes my cheekbone with such gentleness that I go a little weak in the knees. It's always been this way, since the first day that we met. Just one touch, just one smouldering look and I'm all his - every part of me belongs to him, even my insecurities.
He continues to look deep into my eyes and I try my best to express the love I have for him, and not the fears that are trying so hard to escape. "The room will pale in comparison to you when we get married here."
The soft tones of his voice hold such reverence that I know what I'm about to say will send him into a panic. I clear my throat and focus my eyes on the slightly loose thread in the stitching of his shirt's shoulder. "Maybe we should think it over a little bit more. We don't want to rush into things."
A few seconds later and his forefinger slips under my chin, making me look up at him. His smile is condensed, the light in his eyes lessened, and I know I've chipped a little piece out of his heart. He stutters in reply; a very rare occurrence. "You don't… you don't like this place? You don't want to… get married here? Or are you saying that you don't want to get married… at all?
My hands cups his cheeks and I urge him to look right into my eyes. His eyes are closed and his face is an expression of pain. I reach up on my tiptoes and press a kiss onto each eyelid, begging him to open up and let my explain. He eventually does. "I love you,' A simple phrase that holds so much weight in our relationship. 'I love you so much. I want to marry you, truly I do. I just want it to be perfect."
He looks at me for a few minutes and doesn't speak. Not even Alice - when she comes back from talking to the owner of the building - can break this connection we have, apart. She goes off again when she realizes that neither of us are going to talk to her. A few moments later, he brushes a stray curl behind my ear and he smiles crookedly. It still doesn't reach his eyes, but it's definitely a start.
I was a bundle of nerves as I set off on this journey. It's one I had been avoiding; one I hadn't, purposefully, taken a very long time. Just over a year, actually.
Since I left.
New Jersey is around 800 miles east of Chicago, where I live. It'll take about 13 hours to get there. That's 13 hours to try and convince myself that this is a bad idea. There was reasons why I hadn't made this journey in over a year. I had no clue as to how I'd react when I saw… him. There wasn't a day that the guilt didn't creep up on me, smuggle and stifle me until I felt like I couldn't breathe.
If I'm being honest with myself, I don't really know why I left. Looking back I often found myself thinking that it would have been better to wait it out, to compromise, to take that leap of faith. Because anything is better than being 800 miles away from him… away from the man I love.
The man I ran away from.
My car stopped at the lights on the road leading into Pennsylvania and I took the few seconds to run my hands through my hair. My head throbbed with exhaustion; not only from this long journey but from the thoughts that surrounded my mind. I realized, through the haze, that if I really wanted to I could turn back now. I would hit Chicago by 5 in the morning and be able to continue as if I'd never made the journey. No one would know; not even Alice, whom I'd not told I was leaving for the next couple of days. She would have asked too many questions, made to many assumptions and I really didn't need that. I could just circle around on this empty road and go back the way I'd came.
I could run away… again.
The light turned green and I grip the wheel as if it'll give me the strength I need. I continue down the road telling myself that this time I will not fly away. I'll not run this time. I will face this. I need to do this.
~ALPOH~
My name is Bella Swan, and I am the proud co-owner of one of the most successful bakeries in the Chicago area. "A Little Piece of Heaven" was my project; something to achieve that said to my parents that I could do something without going to college. I've proved them right, too.
I can't remember a time when I didn't have sticky hands. When I was too young to be in school I'd sit at the kitchen table and watch my mother bake cakes and pies. When I was six I was bought my first cookbook for Christmas. When I was ten I put on my own bake sale in my backyard and sold all the cakes for 20p each (very expensive!). There was never a day when I didn't bake something, and at that age my mum embraced the fact that I loved cooking. She was less than pleased when, seven years later, I told her I wasn't going into further education, but rather that I was moving over 1700 miles away to open my own bakery.
We didn't talk for weeks.
She was less worried when I told her that I wasn't doing this alone. Alice, a friend I had met at a summer camp in Nashville and had stayed in touch with, was just as into baking as I was. Thus, the plan was formed. I worked two jobs and studied for finals in Senior Year, as did Alice and ten months later we were on a plane to Chicago.
It sounds as easy as pie when put so quickly. It took a lot of work, and a lot of tearful nights. I can't remember how many times I burnt my fingers continually baking cakes and pies to sell. But three years later and the business was finally taking off. We were getting somewhere.
Then fate stepped in and brought Edward into the picture. He had been passing through Chicago after visiting some friends. He'd walked into the bakery looking for a bite to eat, and instead agreed to a business transaction. He'd walked in the moment I'd decided to shout at Alice, telling her that the fruit we were using in the fruit pies was less than satisfactory. Who was I to know that he owned his own "fruit farm" (as he liked to call it)?
From that day on we formed a relationship, starting at first as a business one, then into friendship and on one weekend when I went down to do an inspection, it'd turned into something more. That had been four years ago. We'd gone from strength to strength; we fought to maintain our relationship as it was long distance, we spent ridiculous amounts of money on plane tickets and we'd even once thought of moving my business down to New Jersey. That never happened, but we'd considered it. We made compromises, we made adult decisions, we moved at an easy pace.
Two years later, he popped the question.
The fireworks went off in my head, the waterworks turned on and I'd jumped into his arms, never so happy in my life! It was something I'd only dreamed of - marrying a man that made me truly happy. We loved each other; this was the logical next step and I hopped, skipped and jumped right into it…
Until I started having doubts.
Not doubts, per se. Just… moments of panic. It had taken us two years to get to this point, and suddenly we were getting married in a matter of months. It made my brain fuzzy, my heart quicken into a frenzy. I had thought that we'd want the same things; we'd been so compatible. But he wanted fancy dining and I didn't. I wanted our closest friends and family and he wanted more guests. We argued. We couldn't make decisions. I was stalling; he was fed up of waiting.
So I left, thinking it would be the best thing for both of us.
I've never regretted anything more in my life.
The hours of travelling all blurred into one confusing amount of time. In between the worries and the waves of lethargy it seemed like it had taken no time at all until we were crossing the borders into New Jersey. Edward's "fruit farm" or orchard, was on the outskirts of town, so passing through the town I had once thought of as "home" needed to be done.
It hadn't changed in the year I hadn't been here. The shops were still the same. The people were still the same. Old Mr Banner still picked up his morning paper at nine on the dot. Nothing was different, except for the fact that they seemed to be surprised to see me. I could see their shocked faces through my rear view mirror. They wouldn't have seen this truck in a while. I could see the wheels in their minds turning, the looks of crossing recognition.
It only made me drive faster.
In the back of my mind was that little voice which said, 'I told you this was a bad idea…' but I was determined not to listen to it right now. Sure, it might have been a bad idea for personal reasons, but for the business - this was the only thing I could do.
I was quickly loosing customers. 'A Little Piece of Heaven' had been known, ever since it had first opened, for it's fruit pies. Apple, cherry, strawberry - you name it, we made it. People would come from different states for our pies. So when we changed suppliers for the fruit we used, the buyers were less than happy. I just couldn't continue using Edward's brand; it was already too hard to hear his name - I didn't need a constant reminder of what I'd given up. So, I'd gone to 'Blacks' hoping that they would have the same standards. It seems though, that they didn't. The customers started to complain, and were going to other places to get what they wanted. I couldn't have that.
I wasn't visiting Edward for the good of my health.
I wasn't visiting Edward to torture myself with what could have been.
I wasn't visiting Edward to see if he'd moved on… really.
I was visiting him for the survival of my business. Fact.
A few minutes later and I was driving up a lane I'd driven up more than a hundred times before. The memories came flooding back and there was no stopping them. My knuckles turned white as I gripped the steering wheel, pleading with myself to stay in control. I couldn't lose it. Not right in front of him.
I slowed and parked in front of his house. It hadn't changed either. It was still as beautiful as it had always been; a fairytale mansion, made with white stone, complete with floor-to-ceiling windows and balconies. Behind the house was even more wondrous; the rolling hills, the orchards, the expanses of lush green grass. My heart thudded in my chest, aching. I never realized how much I missed this place.
Noticing that I'd been sitting in the car, reminiscing for the last five minutes, I gathered all my courage and exited my truck. Swinging my bag over my shoulder I braced myself for seeing him. I hoped I wouldn't be struck speechless, or faint. You could never trust Bella Swan's body, though.
I walked through the door and into the foyer, looking around at the wood-like walls, all varnished to make it shine in the morning sun. I scanned the room, looking for those stunning green eyes or the shocking bronze hair. I came up with nothing. I walked forward and leaned my elbows in the counter, waiting for any sign of the man I missed.
"Bella…"
His voice was pained and I clenched my eyes shut as soon as the sound hit my ears. My heart tightened, tears burned behind my tight eyelids and my whole body tensed. This was what I'd feared happening. I exhaled and turned slowly, opening my eyes as I went.
When my eyes met his, I couldn't stop the memories from screaming at me.
"You know, it's almost like you don't want to get married." His voice is monotone, any emotion scarce. I feel the dread well up in my stomach. I don't want to do this now.
I stare at him, "You know that's not true. I do want to marry you! We've been through this, Edward…" I trail off, hoping that instead of irritating him, he'll stop the questioning. I don't want to talk to him about my aversion to booking the venue.
I don't want to admit that I'm scared.
He stares right back at me, daring me to tell him what's really wrong. He knows I've been avoiding this conversation and because I know him so well, I can see in his eyes that he's not going to let this go. Not this time. I have to get ready for the battle. "Then why are you waiting around Bella? Are you waiting for something - for a sign that tells you I'm not right for you? For another man to come along?"
I throw Weddings Weekly onto the other side of the sofa and stand across from him, folding my arms across my chest in defiance. My eyes blaze as I reply. "How can you even say that? You know you're the only one I want. The only man I need!"
His hands pull at his hair, "Then tell me, please, what is wrong. Because I sure as hell don't know what it is,' I move to retaliate with an excuse but he catches me. 'and don't tell me it's nothing, because that's a lie. It's something. And we're going to get to the bottom of this. Now."
Demanding my answer, I finally give up and my words wrench from my body. "Because you're pressuring me! Because I'm not ready, Edward! I want nothing more than to be your wife; I really do. But you're moving too fast - you're flying forward and I feel like I'm trailing behind.' I touch my throat, feeling like I'm breaking as I speak. 'It hurts me to think these things; it hurts to know that we're not on the same wavelength. But I can't help it. I'm not ready."
No-one speaks for the next few minutes and the silence falls like pointed rocks all around us. They cut me; wound me and I feel like crying out in pain… but I can't speak. I've already said enough to do damage.
When he looks at me again, I can't see the Edward I know anymore. "Well, when will you be ready?" The calmness in his voice shatters me.
I shrug as the tears finally start to trail down my cheeks. "I don't know." I choke, my voice hoarse.
He sighs like there's nothing left to do and it breaks my heart to know that I've caused it. I've done it now; there's no way back. He leaves without another word.
I'm gone by the next morning.
My mind tried to block out the most painful of memories; of the night when everything changed. I closed my eyes to get my emotions back in check, before opening them again. He hadn't moved. He was waiting, struggling with confusion and hurt. I hadn't look in his eyes yet - avoiding them on purpose. I didn't know how I'd react to seeing how he really feels. So I settled with his lips and finally speak. "Hello Edward."
The occasional creak of the wooden flooring is the only thing I heard. I looked back down at my hands, watching as they trembled. I'd known this would be difficult, but I didn't know I'd be this… scared. Of his bad opinion (which was presumable); of Edward, because he could hurt me with a single look… just like I hurt him.
He looked down at the floor, obviously not bearing to look at me. "What… uh, what are you doing here?" He stuttered slightly, before getting back in control. He didn't want me to see his weakness.
I reached into my bag and took out the paperwork for the transaction. I couldn't hold the paper still, and could see Edward looking at my trembling hands. But there was nothing I could do about it; I couldn't hide the way my body was reacting to this situation. "I need some of your produce."
His steps were measured as he made his way behind the counter. He still hadn't looked at me properly, and I neither had I, him. Instead I watched as his hands clenched around the edge of the counter as if he wanted to hit something. He'd never hit me; but the cupboard behind him… not so sure. After taking a deep breath he reached under the desk and brought out the red folder - used for new customers. It seems silly but I felt as if he'd just slapped me in the face. I wasn't new. As stupid as it sounds, the red folder was him telling me that the past didn't matter; didn't happen.
He penned in my name and other details, which he obviously still had memorized, onto a new sheet. "I'd have thought you'd have another supplier by now."
"I did,' I bit my lip, edging closer to the desk. I tried not to notice the way his shoulders tensed as I got closer. 'but the customers were complaining that the quality wasn't as good. I can't lose customers, so I hoped that you could help me out."
His pen stilled over the page. The ink from the pen pooled at the tip and my eyes zeroed in as the drop splashed onto the page, like a raindrop to the ground… or a tear to a pillow (I knew enough about that). He slowly put the pen back onto the desk. "I don't know if I want to."
"Want to what?"
A beat of silence. "Help you.' My stomach dropped and my heart tightened. I can't help but think that I deserve this uncertainty. I had done things that were so much worse to him. His hand went through his hair again and the motion warmed my heart for second - not everything had changed. 'I know I can help you. I just don't know if I really want to."
The paper fell from my hands onto the desk. "Please,' I begged without thinking. 'I know it's a lot to ask-"
"-yes, it is a lot to ask.' He cut in. I met his eyes for the first time since we've been in this room and they were stormy with anger. He wasn't the same man anymore. 'After everything that's happened… a year without a word…" We stared at each other - his eyes full of anger, mine full of unshed tears. We battled back and forward for who would break first.
I did. I let my eyes fall. I knew this was a worthless fight. I have done too much damage here to every salvage anything… relationship, business or loving.
He sighed again and turns. The sound of keys in my ears. I look up and find him staring at a spot on the wall behind me - avoiding my gaze once more. He turns, "Come on, then."
I reign in my shock and follow him outside.
~ALPOH~
We stood a foot away from each other in the orchard, feeling the heat of the sun beat down on our backs. His stance was rigid and admittedly, so was mine. This was more awkward than anything else; there was so much unsaid between us that it was stifling. I may have told the truth that night, but it didn't mean that I'd said everything. We needed to talk this out if we were going to get any further than the stilted conversation we shared. But, as of yet, I couldn't tell if he wanted to get any further.
Maybe he wanted me out of his life completely; never to return.
Ouch, what a thought.
"What do you need?" He asked, making no eye contact. I had a feeling we were never going to look at each other for the rest of the visit - it was just too painful.
I looked down at the paper I still had in my hands, "Uh… apples, cherries and strawberries?" It came out as a question… like I needed permission to ask for these. I guess I did. There had been a time once when I could come and go here as I pleased. I had thrown away those rights the day I'd walked out the door.
His voice was calculated when he replied. "Right. I can't pick your strawberries because they're out of season right now… I do have a box in the barn that you can I have though. They should be ripe enough for you to use when you get back to Chicago.' His pause was weighty. 'Apples are just ripe enough to get picked now, so you can do that today. I suggest you keep them a while before using them, though. And since it's July, the cherries are perfect so you can pick them today too."
I smiled, though it wasn't quite real. I hadn't really smiled in over a year… I didn't have much to smile about, which was all my own fault. "Great. Thank you."
He rubbed his hands together and turned backwards. "I'll go get those strawberries and put them in the back of your truck. There's ladder over by the gate. You know the rest, right?"
I turned back and nodded while getting the ladder. I watched as he wandered away from this section of the orchard and I felt further away from him than ever. It felt as if nothing I could say would change anything. I resolved that if I couldn't make this better by the end of the day, then there was no way to fix it.
Turning back I headed to the first apple tree and set the ladder against it. Setting the cotton sack to my back, I started to climb up. I'd never been good with heights, and I'd been even worse with balance. As I climbed higher I told myself not to look down. I knew it was only a matter of time before I fell. It was bound to happen. I settled in place, high enough to reach some apples and started to pick them. But as I tried to reach for one's that were higher I could feel my balance slipping and clenched my eyes tight as I began to-
Warm hands wrapped around my waist. Electricity flowed from his fingers into my skin, making my body buzz. I closed my eyes, feeling my heart race and focussed all my thoughts on the fact that he was touching me again. And it was making me feel happier and lighter than I'd felt in a long time.
But all too soon, it was over. I felt gravity pull me back to the ground; his hands tightening and then releasing me as my feet hit the soil. I sighed as his fingers inched away from my skin, one finger at a time pulling away as if he wanted to prolong the sensation… as if he felt the electricity too. I opened my eyes, turning around to face him, the usual blush painted thickly on the pallet of my cheeks. I wiped down my t-shirt self-consciously. "Thank you."
He cleared his throat, looking up at the tree once more. I hated the way he wouldn't look at me. "You're welcome. Maybe I should do the rest for you."
He started climbing the ladder himself, and didn't say anything more to me until the job was finished. That didn't stop me from watching his fluid body move: the way the muscles in his back would strain with every reach of his arm; the deft flick of his wrists (who knew wrists could be sexy?) as he put them into the sack. It didn't matter that I hadn't seen him in a year - or that I hadn't been intimate in that long either - he still seemed to make my body yearn to be joined to his. I could feel it in my veins, with every beat of my pulse. I wanted him.
But I couldn't have him. Not anymore.
After the apples had been collected, washed and transferred into the carry box, we travelled to my truck to deposit the box.
It was after he'd lifted the lid of the truck that the heavens decided to open.
I noticed when one solitary drop landed in his forehead. It ran from his brow, down the side of his nose and finished on his pouty bottom lip. I don't know what possessed me to do it; it was instinctual and I couldn't deny that I wanted to finally touch his skin - to feel again the connection I knew we had. I reached out and touched his bottom lip with my forefinger, wiping the drop of rain away, ever so gently that he might never have felt it if his eyes hadn't been locked on mine. I watched as the gorgeous green turned into a dark jade, and then, as if the change had never occurred, his eyes were back to normal. My shoulders dropped as he stepped away, burnt by my touch. "Come inside; it's getting heavier," he murmured as he walked into the house once more.
I took a minute to feel the rain pound down on my skin. Being so close to Edward for a prolonged period of time sounded like torture, and I needed to prepare myself. Taking a deep breath, I closed the lid of my truck and followed Edward inside.
His kitchen hadn't changed in the last year. As I walked into the room I couldn't stop myself seeing everything that had happened in this room before; the counter where I'd first made him cherry pie; the sink where we'd had our first drunken water fight; the table where we'd abandoned everything else and given in to the passion that had consumed us. He'd stroked me, kissed me, touched me until I couldn't breathe - he'd left my gasping. Then I'd returned the favour and we'd been a sweaty mess of entangled limbs by the time the grandfather clock in the living room had stroked twelve.
I stood in the entrance to the room, my eyes fixed on the table. I felt my heart begin to pour into my cheeks and my whole body tingled with the memories of exactly what Edward could do when he touched me. I turned my head when I felt eyes on my skin and came face to face with Edward again. His eyes flicked to that same spot on the table, then back to me again. If I hadn't been looking close enough I wouldn't have caught the flash of desire in his eyes. "Have a seat." His voice contradicted the brief emotions in his eyes.
I took a seat far away from that section of the table, fearful of what I would do if I was too close to it; if I could touch it. My gaze followed Edward's form as he moved smoothly around the room. A few minutes later he placed a glass of wine in front of me, and sat down opposite me.
His head turned to the window, and then back in my direction. "It's raining pretty hard now; we'll have to see if it stops. You won't be able to drive in that sort of rain."
I frowned, "I can drive-"
"- but it's not safe, Bella.' He replied and I gulped as he said my name. His harsh voice did nothing to stop the tingle that spread through my body as my name slipped off his lips. It was sensual, and I doubted he even knew. 'You can stay here… for the night… if the storm is too violent."
I looked down at the rim of the wine glass and I could see the faint rim of my left over lipstick on the shiny surface. A mark that even if I left, would remain here until he scrubbed it away. "I can always go back into town and find a bed-and-breakfast." I murmured, wondering how he would react to that suggestion."
His hand tightened on his own wine glass and he looked directly in my eyes as he replied. "You know that you can stay in the guestroom. But if you'd rather run away, that's okay too. It's what you do best anyway."
He pulled the trigger and his words shot me right in the chest. I felt the blow and I was knocked back by it. The pain spread and I couldn't hold back the wince that broke from me. It felt as if he was crushing me, but maybe I deserved it. It was his way of showing me how much pain I had caused him when I'd ran. It was unbearable. Crippling. Disarming.
I looked into his eyes and held his stare. I tried to cover up the hurt I felt but I could tell that it was still displayed in my eyes. He didn't even wince. I deserved that too. "Would you rather I left, then?" I held my voice together, grasping at any dignity I had left.
He shrugged, breaking me down even more. "If that's what you want."
"I think I will.' I stood up from the table, leaving my wine and the lipstick mark as evidence that I'd really been there. He might rid me from his house but he couldn't take me out completely. Not just yet, anyway. I moved towards the door, 'Thank you for the wine. And the fruit. Just send me the bill."
I heard him mutter 'you're welcome' as I fled. Again.
Because that's what I do best: I run.
~ALPOH~
Alice found me on the couch in my living room on Monday morning. I couldn't really remember when I got back home; I just knew that at some point, I did. I'd stumbled through the door, my bag dropping beside the coat rack and I'd led my broken body to the couch where I sat for… however long I'd been there. Time is indeterminate when nothing matters; when the only thing you can think of is the one moment you regret.
Everything would be different now. I think, in the back of my mind, I'd naively thought that I'd still be able to build bridges between Edward and I. I believed that what I'd done, no matter how harsh and breaking it had been… it could still be fixed. I knew now that would never happen. Maybe if I'd stayed - fought against every instinct in my body to run away (because it's the easiest thing to do when life gets hard) - then we would be further forward instead of five steps backwards.
But now it was time to think rationally. It was not the time to ponder things that will never change. I had to move up and onward to other things. Things I could create. Things I could mould into what I wanted. Things that hopefully, I wouldn't break. Still, I couldn't move. Not until Alice walked into my apartment yelling that I 'was late for work' and that she 'couldn't believe' I'd slept in because 'it was so unlike me'…
She stopped talking when she saw that I was staring into thin air.
And like the true friend she was, she knew exactly what was wrong. She knew that the only person who could really hurt me was the person I'd hurt first. Edward.
I'd managed to hold my tears back so far, but as Alice's arms wrapped around me I simply collapsed. We fell to the floor and I cried. Great, heart wrenching sobs of disgust at myself and at what I'd fucked up. That's what I'd done. I'd completely, and utterly… fucked up.
She rubbed my back as I tried to explain what had happened. "He'd told me… me to -hiccup- go because that's - that's what I do best, he said. And it - it hurts, so badly -hiccup- because… it's true!"
Alice shh-ed me before gathering me up and helping me stand. "I know how badly you hurt right now, and I think we both know that you're in the wrong… it's not something we can deny. But the only thing you can do now is learn from this mistake… and shower. You smell like a pig."
I laughed as much as I could muster and stumbled through to the bathroom to wipe the grime and tears of the last few days from my body. I don't know how long I was in the shower, but I knew that something was up when I heard the doorbell ring. I heard Alice's heels walk towards the door and open it. Soft but forceful whispers followed. I turned the shower off and grabbed my dressing-gown, ignoring the fact that I was soaking wet, before going to investigate. I wasn't sure I could take any company today.
I didn't expect to see Edward standing at the door.
He looked as bad as I felt. He forehead was covered in a slight sheen of sweat, making his gorgeous locks of hair stick to his head. The darkness until his eyes was proof that he hadn't slept a wink last night; the paleness in his face showed me that he hadn't eaten either. He wore the same shirt and jeans as yesterday… he hadn't showered. He looked a state, but to me he was more beautiful that ever. When you've convinced yourself to the fact that you might not see someone again, just a glimpse is the most stunning picture ever.
His eyes flickered to mine, dragging me in, tying me up, never letting me leave. Such a contradiction to the look in his eyes the night before. The connection ended when he blinked. He walked forward, leaving a gaping Alice at the door. I caught her eye and pointed to the door. She left a few minutes later.
My eyes followed Edward to where he was standing at the kitchen counter. It was then I realized he had been carrying a box of fruit. I walked forward, careful not to stand so close to him. I tapped the box with my finger. "What's this?" My voice was nothing but a whisper.
He cleared his throat before replying, his hands ghosting across the box as if it were my skin. I tried to look away from his hands - they were making me remember the way I'd feel when his hands were on me - because that was only a recipe for disaster. I'd die a little slower when he walked back out that door. "The cherries. I realized we hadn't managed to pick them yesterday, and I've charged you for them so…"
"Oh,' I looked at the receipt stapled onto the top of the box, dragging my eyes from item to item. I frowned as I took in the prices. 'It's cheaper than I thought it would be."
His cheeks were tinged with pink when I looked back up at him. "First time buyer discount." He coughed out.
I nodded, knowing that he was lying but not wanting to contradict him. "Well, thank you for bringing it. You didn't have to come all this way. You could have just-"
"I'm sorry."
I stopped mid-sentence, my brain catching up with our conversation. I folded my arms over my chest, partially hiding myself on the other side of the counter. I shook my head, my eyes questioning his. "Sorry? For what?" I hated the silent awkwardness that tinged our conversation. I remember when it used to be easy. It was anything but easy now.
He looked down at the box, studying it, not bearing to look anywhere else. "For yesterday. I shouldn't have said those things. I shouldn't have been so forceful, so harsh. It was never my intention to make you feel unwelcome. You're more than welcome - you always were. Always are."
I shook my head, hugging my dressing-gown tighter to my form. "Edward, let's not pretend. I made huge mistakes and I can take the consequences. I used to be welcome at your house, but we both know it'd be… awkward for us to be around one another regularly. Again."
His eyes looked deep into my soul and when he couldn't find what he was looking for, he had to ask me instead. "Do you really consider it as a mistake?" I could barely hear him.
My eyes softened, my heart aching. "Of course I do. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't regret walking out. It's the worst thing I've ever done."
His hand reached out, crawling so slowly towards my own, and I gasped when I felt his fingers touch mine. Such a simple interaction, but that's just what happens to me when our skin touches. My whole body lights on fire until the only thing I can feel and think is… him. His finger traces absentmindedly over my own digits, creating patterns that make me feel dizzy. He's so close, so colourful, so new and exciting, yet there's that undercurrent of insecurity and loneliness. The whole combination is heady and extreme. I try to stay focussed as his fingers trail over my blazing skin. "Then why did you do it?"
His voice registered in my brain and I took a second to remember what he was referring to. Oh, yes. I swallowed, "I've told you before."
His fingers go from my hand to my wrist, circling and mapping the route of my veins. "Tell me again. Help me understand.' I struggled to contain my feelings as he took my hand, ever so gently, and brought it to his lips, pressing them onto my pulse point. My heartbeat sped up and I could hardly breathe, but I know he needed answers, so I try my best.
"It was all too much. Too much pressure. Our whole relationship had been so laid back and wonderful and slow and romantic and exciting and… so many other things, but it had never been rushed. I couldn't handle it. Between moving in together, the wedding, the businesses… my brain was full and I couldn't sort anything out and I think… what I wanted… or needed… was just to get away and to think things through.' My hand, limp in the cocoon of his, suddenly came to life and grasped his hand like a lifeline; my thumb drew circles into his palm, willing him to listen and not judge. 'It was never you, Edward. You were perfect… you still are. It was me and my insecurities; I was a complete mess in a completely perfect picture. I needed to untangle everything. But I just ended up hurting you in the process, which wasn't what I wanted at all.' I move my hand from his, up his arm until I reach his jaw and cup it, feeling the roughness of his stubble, and I closed my eyes at the sensation of jagged against smooth. 'I wanted nothing more in the world to be yours, to be your wife. But I went about it the wrong way… and I'm so sorry."
Tears pricked my eyes as I finished and I hoped beyond any wish I'd made in my life that it was enough. I knew that it would take a lot more than a mess of words and truths to make things better, but at this moment in time it was all I could think of.
When I mustered the courage to look at him again, his face was directly in front of mine, our lips just inches away from each other. I could feel his breath on my face when he spoke and it made me feel light-headed again. "I'm in the wrong too. I didn't mean to ever make you feel like you couldn't tell me these things; that you couldn't talk to me."
My hand inched round his neck and into his hair, making his eyes close in delight. "I didn't want to disappoint you: you deserve the best, Edward. You deserve something as perfect as you are."
He moved forward, his eyes still closed and his mouth ghosted over my forehead, down my nose, round by my cheek and ended on the tip of my lips. Close enough for a just-there kiss. He made my body bubble; I was yearning for the caress I'd missed this last year. His next words made me melt right on the spot:
"I'm staring at something infinitely better than 'perfect'."
Unable to contain myself any longer I pushed forward that tiny bit and pressed my lips to his. My body dropped forward, not able to keep myself up without his help. It was like Edward reached into by body and took away my soul; and he could, because every inch of my being was his. There was no use in denying that fact. It was beautiful, just feeling that connection that we have. The push and pull of lips, the soft grazing of hands on cheeks and the delightful tugs of hair making my body burn for his hands to be in other place.
He broke away, looking right into my eyes and saying words that he couldn't say right then. 'I love you'… 'I was always yours'… 'Never leave me again'… 'Stay with me'. I watched as he untangled his hands from my hair and walked around to my side of the counter. His body flattened itself against the length of mine and I took in each and every delicious tingle it caused to run through my body. My eyes closed in the ecstasy of it all, and suddenly I felt his lips press down on my eyelids, worshipping me in a way I'd though would only be in my dreams from now on. But here he was. Caressing me and loving me. It was more than I deserved.
His lips moved to my lips again and he whispered to me as he left me breathless with languid kisses. "Promise me something, Bella."
My arms ran up the length of his chest and pulled him closer. "Anything."
"Say you'll never leave again."
I gasped as his gently bit down on my bottom lip. "Never."
"Promise me you'll never run away when things get hard." His statement was concluded by a short thrust from his body into mine and I felt my whole body spasm as I felt his hard dick resting on my thigh. At any other time I would have teased him seductively, but I knew that no matter how much of a tease he wanted me to be, his words wanted a sincere promise.
My hips shifted into his own as I answered. "Never again."
His left hand tightened at my neck, pulling me closer and delving into my mouth again for another taste. It was not rushed, slow and sensual… just how I remember it used to be. No matter how things changed, our connection would always be the same. His right hand moved down to my collar bone, caressing it and making me struggle with desire. "Promise me, when I ask you to be my wife again… you'll say yes."
I gasped and smiled like I'd never smiled before. The thought of being his wife made my heart swell and I knew that I'd fall in love all over again with this man. Our shared love would overlap with new feelings, memories and special moments. My leg moved upwards and wrapped around his hip, our lower bodies aligning perfectly. I put all the love I could into my next answer. "Time and time again, Edward."
He kissed me back with fervour, the flames within me and the love within my heart bursting at the seams. It wasn't just lust, it was everything coupled together to make a sensation that rivalled all others. He drew back and scanned my face, "Will you answer me one thing, angel?"
My smile widened at the use of the pet name he'd given me. I stroked his cheek softly with the back of my hand. "Of course."
His hand moved from it's resting place on my collar bone to the underside of my breast. He felt the weight in his hand, making my heartbeat quicken once more to an alarming rate. He skimmed my nipple with his thumb, making it harden and show through the silk of my gown. His nose skimmed my jaw, "Can I take you to bed and love you like I've only dreamed about this past year?" His fingers pinched down on my nipple making me moan in abandon.
I pushed my lips to his mouth again before murmuring 'yes'.
The next second his hands were underneath my ass, hoisting me up as I wrapped my legs around his waist, enjoying the friction between his cock and my throbbing centre. He led us through to my bedroom, knocking the door back on its hinges in our lust induced haze. He gently laid me down on my bed before standing back and just looking at me. "You're still as beautiful as the day I met you."
He continued to look at me, his eyes flowing up and down my body as he toed off his shoes and socks and shrugged off his jacket. His dark green shirt was still damp from the rain outside and it highlighted muscles; the sight of his body made me moan at what was so come. His hands started at my ankles and ran up towards my knees. He bent down and kissed each knee, licking the underside and making me writhe on the sheets - who knew knees could be such a turn on? He gently pushed my legs apart and snuggled himself in between my thighs, where he should stay forever.
Edward's hands flitted up the fabric of my gown while my hands rid him of his shirt and tugged at the buckle of his belt. He untied the stings keeping my body fro his eyes and pushed the robe back and off the bed, his eyes staying on mine. Only when we heard the whoosh of the fabric hitting the floor did his eyes move down the length of my body. The look in his eyes was love and lust piled together: I'd never felt more wanted in my life.
He licked and kissed and sucked and dragged his teeth across my collar bone to my chest, and eventually to my breasts. He lavished so much attention that I felt as if I might orgasm just from his touches. He eventually stopped to let me push him back and take off his jeans and boxers.
And then there was nothing left. No more barriers. Just the vulnerable people that we were. I was bare, so was he and we skipped over foreplay, heading to the main event: we both knew we needed to feel connected. Our bodies slid together like they'd never stopped being connected. "God, I missed you so fucking much." Edward gasped as he thrust into my wet heat, making me already dripping centre even more moistened. I met his hips at every thrust, telling him that I was with him every single step of forever from his moment onwards. Our lips joined and our hands entwined as he edged nearer and nearer to the little piece of heaven that we could share. And as we leapt off that cliff I'd never felt more safe when falling over, than I did with him in that moment. Everything would be fine as long as he was here.
When our breathing had measured out and his cock had gone slack in my body, he moved to pull out. I whimpered at the loss of him; of our connection. He quickly turned me over and I laid my body over his, determined that each patch of skin would be intertwined.
As we drifted off to sleep the last thoughts I had were that I couldn't imagine how I'd ever lived without Edward here, and that we were far from fixed. But I knew we'd get there.