Severus Snape Cuts His Own Head Off With a Chainsaw

Severus Snape was very sad.

He was sad because of how he coldly sold out Lily Evans to the Dark Lord a long time ago and now even making Potter dress up like a girl and then Obliviating him after he was finished committing underage sodomy wasn't doing him much good.

So naturally Snape started drinking a lot. He sat around in his office in the colon of Hogwarts wearing a wifebeater and drank lots and lots and lots of alcohol. And he cried a lot. Like a bitch. Because he was a bitch with greasy hair and a jew nose. Also he ate a lot of bon bons and started gaining weight, and people laughed at him. That made him cry more, which made him a fat bitch.

One night after rectally raping Potter, the fat greasy cockroach man got super drunk and passed out on the floor of his dungeon. He woke up hours later in a pile of japanese schoolgirl panties and vomit and realized his life was worthless. After putting on his clothes again, Snape went up to Dumbledore's office and had gay sex with him for 4 hours.

When they were done, he said, "I quit," and left.

Then Snape realized he was being stupid so he went back and said, "I unquit," and left again because he realized quitting was a gay idea. If he quit, he wouldn't have money to get drunk anymore. Secretly Snape was drunk all the time, even in class. You just couldn't tell because of all the smelly hair grease.

Back in his office Snape started drinking again. He got super-duper drunk and yelled at the wall about Potter for a while. Then he yelled at the desk about Potter. Then he yelled at some pickled goat penises about Potter. By then you could barely see the floor under all the liquor bottles. There was literally a sea of empty bottles and Snape kept tripping on them and skidding around like he was on roller skates.

Suddenly he slipped on some bottles, did 5 backflips, and landed on his head with a really loud crack. It gave him a traumatic brain injury but he was too damn drunk to notice.

When he got up, Snape had an idea. He decided to cut his head off with a chainsaw. It was the best idea ever.

Sapiens threw some Floo powder into the fireplace or apparated or something and went to a muggle Wal*Mart™. He went up to the guy in the garden tools section and said, "Give me a chainsaw so I can cut my head off or I'll use magic to pull your intestines out through your nipples, you ignorant dunderhead."

So the scared Wal*Mart™ gardening tools guy handed Snape a huge chainsaw and said, "That will be $3.99," because Wal*Mart™ has hella cheap shit and American money is best money. But Snape did not want to pay for his new chainsaw so he walked out of the muggle Wal*Mart™ without paying.

Back in his office, Snape sat down and drank some more while wearing his wifebeater. He pondered his shitty life, threw a jar of pickled cockroaches at the wall, blamed Potter, and cried like the bitch he was. Then he got out the chainsaw and put some gasoline in it (fuck you British people it's gasoline not petrol).

He stared at the huge bladed teeth of death. The chainsaw stared back even though it didn't have any eyes. Memories of his visits to Lily's grave with a shovel and some condoms came back to Snape. He sobbed some more because he was a greasy bitch man.

With a huge roar Snape started the chainsaw. He tested it by sawing his desk in half. The wood was no match for the sharp steel. After blinking and waving the sawdust out of his face and sneezing a lot, Snape took off all his clothes except his Victoria's Secret bra and set to work on the real deal.

"FIRST," he howled, revving the chainsaw like a motherfucker, "I SHALL CUT OFF MY GENITALS!"

And so he sliced the chainsaw down across his groin, severing his penis and testicles in one extremely painful motion. Blood spurted out of the new hole as he screamed in agony. Yellow joined the red a split second later as he lost control of his bladder, and then a horrible smell filled the room as the pain caused Snape to shit himself.

Still not satisfied, Snape carved upward from between his legs. When he took the saw out of his body there was a gash like 6 inches or something long from his groin to his belly button that went all the way through. He plunged the chainsaw into the new gash again and started moving it around wildly until all his guts started steaming out onto the floor. It was a real live chainsaw gutsfuck. Jeffrey Dahmer would have been masturbating furiously.

At last he was ready to do the deed. Snape raised the chainsaw to neck level.

"I LOVE YOU, LILY!" he shrieked. While he said this his stomach fell out. "I'M SORRY FOR SELLING YOU TO THE DARK LORD IN THE HOPE OF GETTING YOU AS A MINDLESS SEX SLAVE WHEN THE WAR WAS OVER! WHEN I'M DEAD I HOPE I GO TO HELL FOR WHAT I DID TO YOU! I DON'T DESERVE YOU!"

Blood spattered the walls as Snape drove the chainsaw slowly through his own neck. His scream was quickly reduced to a gurgle, and then to nothing. Soon his body was just moving out of reflex, performing the last command it had been given, since he had already sawed through his spinal cord. Snape convulsed a little before falling down just as his severed head rolled off his neck and wedged between the two halves of his destroyed desk.

Severedheadus Snape's vision began to darken. The last thing he saw was the door opening and Lily Evans entering, saying she was actually not dead and it had all been a mistake. Then he heard a deep, demonic voice say, "WELCOME TO HELL!" and smelled sulfur and burning flesh. And that was the end of Severus Snape.

James was actually alive too, and he and Harry and Sirius used Snape's head for Quidditch practice later on.

The end.