"Maybe I wasn't always there, It doesn't mean I don't care"
~ Sorry For Everything, Dead By April ~
I stared blankly out in the clear night, the stars shining like they only did on the television and the moon so clear that you'd think that someone had painted it on a paper and hung it up.
For a second, I almost imagined that I saw a star fall, but as I raised my body quickly to rest on my elbows to see better, it was gone – and probably just an imagination.
On my left side were the photos I'd had under my bed for so long now. I'd been looking at them for the first time since it all crashed. The most beautiful and prettiest pictures you'd ever imagine. Me, and him. Us, together. Like it should have been.
Like we'd planed.
It was 6 months and 2 weeks since the newest photo were taken, February 12th.
I remember that day so clearly. It was one of the best days of my entire life; we'd been together, just me and him. He'd rented us a boat and travel us to an island in the middle of nowhere. We'd had so much fun together; I don't think I've ever laughed that much in my entire life as I did that day. And when the light was put out and the night slowly started to show, we spent our time in the bedroom.
Everything was just so perfect.
6 months since the last photo of Gabriella Montez and Troy Bolton was put up on the internet.
I remember how I'd seen them; it was on that site that everyone was on. Normally, I don't check those sites to get in too deep, but I like the site; it's not just paparazzi taken pictures on it, but from premiers and such too. But I remember all the comments the most. The fans had gone crazy, and I'm not even overreacting. There was over 5.000 comments that just read "omg they're sooooo cute" and, "awww, looks like our little Troyella is enjoying themselves."
Yeah, Troyella is our – sorry, I mean was, our celebrity couple name.
And the next day, they'd called to ask if we could be in an interview about our little 'love trip'. We said no before they even came to the photos.
It is one thing to have our photos on the internet; we can't do anything about that. But to talk about it, showing it straight into the camera flashes and then have that out in the whole wide world too, no thank you. But I think we survived it pretty good, we just laughed at how sweet our fans were. Okay, Troy had been a little mad at the paps because they'd been there. But I reminded him that we didn't see them, and that's the truth, we didn't see them at all and that's why we were so confused at first.
That was the last photos, the last remind and the last happy days in my life.
It all just turned out so wrong. In some weird and unknown way it just went so wrong. God didn't like us being together, he probably thought some of those photos were a little too sweet…
And maybe that's why it went as it did; he thought it was good enough for a last time together. But I don't know. I am not God.
Well, there were still photos, I'm not dumb, I have internet. I've seen those photoshoped photos on us going around, some just us enjoying a dinner, some were we are in his car, and some were I looked pregnant.
Yeah, the last one is sooo photoshoped.
As I lied back down again, I grabbed 2 of the photos and held the first one up in front of my face. It was me and Troy, when we were 9. Troy didn't have any front teeth and his arm around my shoulders, my arm lingering around his torso. Both of us smiled like fools.
The best of friends.
My eyes turned to the other photo. That was taken when we were in Colorado with our friends, 2 years ago. Troy's hands were around my waist in a tight grip; my body was pressed against his, my right arm around his neck and my left around his shoulder. Our lips connecting.
Boyfriend and girlfriend.
I grabbed a third photo. It was the last summer before college started, when our families had gone to the Bahamas together, to celebrate our graduation. It was a beautiful picture, the best one.
It was night, I was running into the water and Troy was sitting on the beach, his eyes at me, filled with so much love, concern and care that it didn't even matter if you were blind or not blind to see it.
None of us had known that the picture was taken, and that was probably how it should have been too. It made it all so much more real.
I have no idea why I took these pictures out of their safe home under my bed. I hadn't bothered to throw them a second glance for over 6 months, and they were all filled with grey dirt. Maybe I just thought it would make me feel better, maybe wake up from a nightmare.
I love to sleep now, because every day I wake up I hope that I finally had woken up from the dream. That the regret and pain in me would be gone with the wind. When I was younger, I hated to sleep. I thought of it as a waste of time. Why sleep when you could spend your time with your best friend? Make memories and live your life. Sleeping wouldn't give me memories and it sure as heck wasn't that fun.
But no, I'm still here. I'm lying on my balcony, looking at the pictures I promised myself I would throw away and never ever look at again. Suffering in pain.
Where is my happy ending? Where is the happily ever after? Why couldn't I have that? Why couldn't I have kept that?
"God, why do you hate me so much?" I asked as I looked up in the dark night with all the stars shining. It was pretty obvious, he really hates me. I mean, I had it all. And now; nothing. "Thank you so much. You know, I am going to remember that." I muttered again as I jumped up on my feet and walked in to my apartment again. It felt so empty, echoish. For the first time in almost seven months, I felt like I was the only person alive on what we call the earth.
A sudden ring interrupted my depressed thoughts. "Hello?" I mumbled in the phone while I flopped down on the couch in the all too bright living room. Well, it wasn't really that bright, but I really don't understand how I could pick those bright colours. They're depressing.
Oh right, I am depressed.
"Gab, come on. It's been seven months; you can't be like this anymore. You just gotta go out there and kick Bolton's ass. Show him you're not giving up. You know, the whole wide world is on your side, so you better step up on that horse and just-" That's my best friend, Sharpay Evans, the best of all my friends´. Yeah, she's like that, always talk shit. But oh, I love her very much.
"Shar! Chillax, please, I don't want to hear the rest thank you very much. And hey to you too by the way." I muttered and brought my knees up under my body. I love to cuddle up on the couch, it's so comforting.
"Heyyy," she squealed. "So I'll be over in ten; be sure to have clothes on. Toodles." Beep.
"Yeah, you are very welcome at 1am Shar, it's totally cool. I am a vampire too, I don't need to sleep. See you, BYE." I muttered in the dead phone and hung up. My best friend needs help. Maybe we could get some together?
Very aware of my best friends look at clocks, I heard a loud and hectic knock on the door seven minutes later. Since I already knew she wouldn't even wait until I got up, I just sat and waited to see the blonde head of my best friend in front of me, looking slightly crazy. Her very blonde hair and big brown eyes together with a very sparkling, yet sexy, outfit made her look like someone who you wouldn't want to get into a fight with. Her heels had my full respect!
"That bastard is going down!" she stated as she walked, or more like sprinted towards the couch I was sitting on. I'd always known she was a little crazy, and sometimes it was what made my day worth to live. I giggled at her expression and made room for her beside me.
"Thanks Shar, but I don't know-" I started but was immediately cut off by the blonde on my side, "Oh shush. Bolton is going to wish he got new pants in Christmas present at the end of this twenty-four hours period." She said as she rummaged around in her big pink purse.
"Uhm Sharpay..." I said and raised an eyebrow at my best friend, ignoring the scary thought of what she might mean with her statement anyway. "It's four months to Christmas." The blonde just smirked. "Exactly. Oh, here it is." She said and pulled a middle size dark blue box out. What the hell? It looked like one of those you get in a clothes store, if you're getting it for someone in birthday present.
"Here you go. Go try it on." She said in the excited voice that was so typical for Sharpay Evans. "Umm…" I said as I opened the box and my eyes grew wide. "What the hell Sharpay?" I said as a red, lacy bra and panties set slipped through my hands down to the floor.
Lauren let out a shriek and ducked for the set as if the floor was filled with chocolate or something. "Gab! It could get dirty!" she says as she comes back up and shakes it a little, looking close after some sort of dirt in any way.
"SHARPAY! I am NOT going to seduce him!" I said in a high voice filled with some sort of fear for what my best friend could have planned for me.
Sharpay just laughed. "Oh no honey, you're just going to have some fun. No need for seduce. Well, that is if you really don't want to-" she added but went silent when she saw the death glare I sent her way. "Alright, Alright. Then it's just fun." She said as she held the red stuff out for me to take again. I looked at them as if they were dangerous.
"Do I have to?" I questioned like a four – year - old that was going to the doctor.
"Yes. Hell yes you do!" and the red were put in my hands.
I groaned as I got up and walked over to the bathroom.
I stripped down to my underwear and slowly picked the lacy material up in my hands. It was soft, that I couldn't deny. But was it really necessary? Slowly, I pulled the set on and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes grow wide.
"Gab, how's it going?" Sharpay asked through the door and my heart flipped.
"Uhm, it…um…it didn't fit!" I yelled back and made the movement to strip the awful clothes (if you could even call it that, but in my opinion they were) off. But at that very moment, the best of all my friends decided to take matters in her own hands and the door swung open, fallowed by the loudest shriek you would ever hear at 1am, probably any other time too if I think about it…
"O MY FUCKING GOD!"
Before I could even lift my hands to cover my ears in pain, a pair of hands was grabbing my wrists, stopping me from being able to pull the awful pieces of my body (though it wasn't like I was going to do it anyway with her standing right in front of me).
"Gabriella, you look fucking amazing, sexy, hot, beautiful god I could go on forever! What's wrong with you?" Sharpay said in almost a mad voice, though you could hear the excitement lacing in it. She stood there looking at me with wide eyes. Some people would think it was embarrassing and uncomfortable. But truth to be told; Sharpay and I have known each other since we were two, so there was nothing to hide.
I sighed and looked down. "Shar. This won't help anything. Troy won't get back with me just because of some red lacy pieces…" I mumbled and suddenly felt tears well up in my eyes for the first time in a very long time. I usually don't cry. I cried for two weeks when we broke up, but never since. I know I can do better than cry, and I can be sad in other ways. Just not crying.
"Of course not Gab." Sharpay said in a much more sweet voice now. She lifted my head up and brought her arms around me. "I have a plan, you see. And Troy Bolton will get knocked off guard. And you two will get back together. Just trust me Gab okay?" she said and pulled apart, smiling at me.
"Ok…" I took a deep sigh. "Ok…I trust you." I smiled back and sniffed a little, but still no tears in sight. Sharpay smiled at me, a big happy bright smile. "Good. Come on, let's rock Troy Bolton's pants and soul!" She said and grabbed my hand as I giggled and we walked back into the living room.
"Jeez, I'm so tired." Sharpay yawned two hours later. "I think I'm going to head home." She said and stood up. "But Sharpay! We haven't made any plans at all. What were you talking about for plan?" I said in panic and shot up like a storm as she began to walk towards the door. "I'm sorry Gab, I'm just so tired. We'll do it tomorrow." She yawned again and put a hand for her mouth. She smiled lazily and gave me a hug before walking out the door and closing it before I could even open my mouth.
I couldn't sleep that night, and when I finally woke up after two hours of sleep on the couch I felt like I was going to explode. My head hurt so bad, my nose was itchy and runny and my whole body felt heavy and just awful.
I opened my eyes and tried to groan, but found out that it wasn't even possible to talk. God I was so tired. I reached for the phone that was lying on the table in front of the couch. The clock read 8:43 and this time I really groaned. I had work today, and work meant singing, and singing meant thinking of him again.
I slowly started to flip through my phone book to find the number of my manager, close friend, choreographer and chef. "Gabriella. What a wonderful surprise. What are you up to this early? Is anything wrong?" I smiled a little. He was always so happy, so concerned about me. And I loved him like my own brother.
"Hey Matt…" I said and tried to clear my throat a little. "I don't think I can-". Without a warning, my nose gave in and a loud sneeze was heard from my line to Matt's. "Sorry," I said and snuffled a little. "I don't think I can start the preparations for the new album today. I feel so awful." I said and a cough erupted from my throat right after. Damn it.
"Jeez Gabriella. Stay right were you are. Don't come to work today. I don't want you here." He laughed in a joking tone. "Me and Melissa are going to Gran Canaria remember? And I really don't want to get sick now." I giggled a little, though it sounded more like some cracking stuff. Melissa was Matt's girlfriend, they were so cute together and I loved them both very much.
"Yeah… so do I get the day off?" I snuffled and closed my eyes tiredly.
"Gab, if you come to the studio today, I swear I'll send you home with your driver before you even enter the code." He laughed and I sighed in relief.
"Thank you, Matt," I said and was almost slipping away in a slumber.
"Of course, Gab. Do you need anything? I can send Tr- uh, someone over if you want to." He said and quickly covered up his mistake. "No thanks, Matt. I think I have everything. Thank you anyway." I said thankful and held back a sneeze again. "Ok, just call if you need anything ok? And get some rest. Bye."
"Thanks Matt. Bye." I said and hung up.
I sighed. I felt so bad for Matt. He had to put up with the press, all their questions, calls and statements. Plus the fact that the two biggest stars and his closest friends were not talking to each other made me feel so bad for him. He had had to put up with the two of us, running back and forth to ask the other questions that we wouldn't ask in person. And I promised myself that I would fix this, if not for me, but for him.
I fell asleep again as soon as I closed my phone shut and put it down on the table again, and when I woke up, it was raining. Okay no maybe that's an underestimation, it was storming. The lightning lit up the livingroom in a dark blue colour and made it look beautiful. Normally, I was terrible afraid of storms and when the dark was mixing with the thunder, but today, it just felt so peaceful and I lied back for a second to just hear the thunder and see the lightning under my eyelids.
A big sigh escaped my mouth when I heard a sharp ring go through the apartment and I stood up to answer the phone. But just as I was about to turn into the kitchen, it stopped. "Damn it," I muttered and rubbed my eyes before I finally reached the doorway. When I looked up again, my breath hitched in my throat, a rush of warmth ran through my entire body and then I froze.
There, standing in my kitchen, with his famous black cell phone in his hand, dark blue faded jeans and a black sweatshirt was the man I'd dreamed of and missed for eight months now. His brown hair was dripping wet and it hung loosely into his eyes. When my eyes travelled down his bangs to his eyes, my breath hitched again and my lungs tightened forcefully. His eyes were a dark shadow of blue, piercing blue. They were filled with emotions, but I couldn't settle what they said or if it was good or bad.
He was soaking wet, and he'd never looked more beautiful.
"Hello Gabriella." His voice was soft yet filled with passion. If I didn't know better, I'd be dead for lost of breath by now. Why did he always have such effect on me? I don't know.
"Troy…" I breathed out in shock. My heart was racing in my chest and I almost started to cry, the relief of seeing him again making my eyes water, but I blinked them back. It was not a good time for showing weakness right now, not when he just came back.
"Troy," I said again, my voice just above a whisper. "What are you doing here?" So much for staying strong and hiding emotions.
In two long strides, Troy was at my side and supported me towards the couch again. It was as if he'd seen that I'd crumple at any moment if I didn't get to sit down. And when I looked up at him again, as he was standing over me like a father to a child who'd caused a mess, all the sanity I had left disappeared. Suddenly, I didn't want him near me; I didn't want him to touch me or even looking at me.
He'd caused me so much pain, he'd left me when I needed him the most and he hadn't even had a good reason or explanation. My eyes flashed dark with anger as I glower at him. Did he even know how much pain he caused me when he left? We'd known each other for our entire lives; we'd gone through childhood, puberty, high school and college together. We'd even started in the singing business together and suddenly he just decides that I'm not what he wants. Our friendship since diapers didn't even count for something, or what?
"I…" The sound of the one letter word from him made me look at him again. What was the real reason to why he suddenly decided to show up inside my house? To top it all off, when I was sick? Not only was I physically vulnerable because of my illness but now also my emotions and my brain because of him. "I needed to see you again, Gabriella."
The words themselves made me mad, but the emphasis he put on 'need' drove me insane.
"You needed to see me, huh? Well, Troy, I don't need to see you so if you'd be so nice to walk the way you came from then I'd be very happy." I was cold and I was mad and I wanted him out of my house.
Even though I was on my way to getting extremely mad, I didn't miss the flash of hurt on his face when my words registered in his mind. And somewhere deep down I hurt because he hurt, but it wasn't like I was going to tell him that, because he was the one who caused all this and if there was someone in this room that should be hurt it's me.
"Gabriella?" His voice was cracking and when I finally looked him in the eye, I could see the unshed tears that he held back. They were pleading, almost begging me to hear him out. "Please, Gabriella? I just need you to…" He trailed off, and I found myself tapping my foot against the carpet impatiently. I couldn't remember when I'd stood up but I did, and it didn't seem like a problem anymore.
"You need me to what, Troy?" I said, my voice was softer now but the edge was still there and my glare hadn't subsided yet.
He took a deep breath, and I could hear how it hitched in his throat but he didn't care and looked up into my eyes again. "You need to know, that I am so, so sorry for doing what I did to you. It hasn't gone a day since that day that I haven't thought about you, about us. You've been in my life since we were born practically, and Gabriella, that means more to me than you could ever imagine." I snorted; he was a pretty damn good liar if you asked me. His eyes seemed to travel a lot and again, he looked from the carpet to my face when he heard me snort. That desperate look on his face flashed once again, desperate for me to believe in him.
"You're good, Troy, I'll give you that." I turned around to walk out of the living room that slowly started to become the room I envied the most, only because what was happening actually happened.
"Ella!" The four letter word had me stopping dead in my tracks. I hadn't heard it in almost seven months. A word that only one person on this earth called me, the word that I loved so much because he came up with it. I guess he saw the effect that word had on me, because he added a soft, "Please?"
I hadn't noticed that my throat had closed up, neither that my eyes were slowly starting to blur, a tear rolling down my cheek.
"You hurt me, Troy." I began, my voice shaking slightly but I still went on, he needed to hear this. "You have no idea how bad you hurt me. I thought that maybe I did something wrong, maybe it was me; maybe I actually did something to deserve what you did to me. But seven months has gone by Troy, and I can't see what I did wrong. I've gone through every single moment with you that I can remember, but I still can't. See. It." The last three words were spoken through my teeth as I blamed myself for not being able to find what I went wrong.
I hadn't turned around, I couldn't look at him while I spook. The hurt I'd felt seven months ago slowly started to come back and my body quivered as I cried.
"Please just tell me where I went wrong, Troy. I- I need you t-to tell me wh-where I went wrong."
I cried harder, gasping for breath and when I thought I was about to crumble and fall apart, I felt a warm hand place itself on my shoulder. My legs started to shake and I felt them give away under me, but just as I was about to fall to the floor, two strong arms gripped around my small frame and held me up; once again.
I could feel how he carried me to the couch once again, but this time he sat down with me, holding me close to his body and I couldn't do anything else but collapse into him and choke on my tears. It freaking hurt, it hurt like hell to miss someone that you've loved your entire life and then suddenly he's not with you anymore. The pain was almost unbearable and my whole body trembled from the tears and pain. Everything hurt, my throat, my nose, my legs, my arms, my stomach, my head, my soul but mostly my heart.
"T-take away-y th-the pain-pain!" I was almost hysterical by now, it hurt so bad. "P-please! T-ake awa-away!"
Troy hugged me closer to him, as if to keep me from quivering and trembling. I was probably soaking his shirt with my tears, but it wasn't like either of us cared about it. I just wanted the pain to go away, to know what happened to us and how it all came down to this; me almost choking on my tears in his lap.
"God, Gabriella. You make me hurt so badly." If I hadn't been in too much pain and tears I would've screamed at him, he was one to talk. But as I was in tears and couldn't do much but clinging to his shirt I let it go, in that moment I could understand what he was saying.
I took a firmer grip on his shirt and pressed my face harder to the crook of his neck, the tears didn't seem to settle back just yet. Troy hugged me even closer to his body if that was possible, whispering soothing words in my ear, kissing my hair and stroking my back.
"I'm here now, Brie. I'm here and I won't leave you again."
The silent promise echoed in my head and I wanted to believe him so bad. But I knew I couldn't, this wasn't the first time he'd said something like that and look where we were now.
Many, many tears and more pain later I had finally calmed down and I was now straddling Troy's lap, my head on his shoulder like a little kid when they slept on their parent. His even breaths calmed me and his hand stroking my back made me feel safe. "You're okay, baby. I'm here, I won't go." I couldn't decide who he was trying to convince more, me or himself, but I decided to just go with it because I was too tired to even lift my eyelids.
We sat like that for a long time, without saying anything to each other. But finally, I couldn't take the silence any longer and I whispered.
"Tell me."
I could feel how Troy's frame lifted and then sank again, imagining how he sighed deeply before he began to talk. "I never stopped wanting to be with you, Gabriella, you have to believe me on that one, because I never did. Maybe I didn't show in every possible way how much I care. I'm sorry for not being myself, I'm sorry for everything." I used my hands on his shoulders to push away from him but only far enough so I could look up at him. "I didn't want it to end this way, I just got so scared."
My eyes travelled over his face, looking for some kind of hint to what he was going to say next. But instead he stayed quiet and I took it upon myself to find out what had really happened back then. "What were you scared of, Troy?" I asked softly, my voice was rough because of all the crying, but also since I actually were sick. My body was now sitting on the couch but I was still somehow in Troy's grasp.
He was silent for a long time; it felt like it was stretching out to hours before he lifted his eyes to mine again. And when he spoke, it was with words so soft and honest I couldn't do anything but believe what they said. "I was in love with you in a way I couldn't handle back then."
The truth was finally out, the words were there in front of me, they were simple and yet so big to the world.
"I don't know what to say, Troy…" I paused, honestly I didn't have anything to say, not a thing.
He looked down, his eyes glued to our hands that were entwined with each other. "It's okay, I- I think I understand." He mumbled, and I couldn't stand watching him looking so incredible sad.
"It's just that… I had almost started to heal again, Troy. I'd left it behind and even though I still wondered what happened I was starting to actually move on, and then you suddenly you're here, in my house, and I have no idea how you got in here and I couldn't kick you out." He nodded softly, his face expression understood. "It's like the wounds are ripped up again, and I-I don't know if they'll heal again if you do this to me again… I just can't take the pain anymore."
We sat there for a long time without saying anything before Troy slowly started to unwind our hands and got up. He looked at me with that soft, beautiful stare he'd once given me everyday, and I couldn't help but fall a little more in love with him in that moment.
"I wish I could take back what I did back then, but I can't. This was not how I wanted us to end, never in a million years did I want this and I hope you know that. I hurt as much as you do because of this, the pain after I did what I did, it still hasn't faded away; but I hoped that maybe we could heal together, because I think we've showed both ourselves and the world as well that we are stronger together. I love you, Gabriella."
And with that, I was alone in my living room once again.
Though this time, it wasn't my wish to be.
Troy's words shot through my head. It was like it was meant to be us, as corny and cliché as it sounded. Even in the darkest moments I never gave up and look where it had taken me. When I saw Troy earlier this afternoon I felt the feelings I felt the first time I realized I was in love with him. Because I still was, after all these months I was still as much in love with him as I was when I was fifteen, and that has got go count for something.
"Troy!" I can't remember how I got up from the couch, because my body was still hurting, but somehow I did as I ran after him. "Troy, please wait up!"
When he turned around, tears ran down his cheeks and his blue eyes were slightly red.
"Don't go." I said, slowly walking towards him. His expression were confused, my body hurt and the rain outside didn't seem to slow down. "Don't go, because I want to try."
The look on his face spoke confusion, awaiting happiness and tears.
"I want us to heal together."
All I have is you, it is all that I'm breathing for. All I need is you, now I can make it through.
Author's note - 01.24.10. That's when I opened this document and started to write, that's why the beginning is so crapy. It was orginally going to be something for school (with different names ofcourse) but as it turned out, nah don't think so. So here it is. Since the weeks is closing up and school's coming closer I'm finishing up all my once started one-shots and post them, next up is the epilogue for Snowing Heart Flakes I believe, so look out for that one, it's gonna rock!
The lyrics I used for this one shot (and even some lines, ooh I'm bad) is from the too damn awesome band called Dead By April, check them out because they're sooo good! P.s, sorry for this two-times updating, but I always tend to come up with these awesome things in after hand, excuse me 8D