Robotnik's: My Damn Lunch
The Series
By Jon Gilmour
Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.
Season 1 - Episode 1
"Hey, hey, hey, and welcome to the best damn lunch show period," Robotnik said grinning. "-expletive deleted-! I meant my damn lunch. Today's lunch will conpissed of…consist of many things. Like my -expletive deleted-, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA." His laughing was stopped by the booing audience. "Ah, come on you douche bags that was hilarious. Anyway it will consist of a sandwich of my choosing, homemade potato chips, and Robotnik's Special Brownies. But first," impersonating the terminator. "I'll be back. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA."
"Hey, we're back with some more of my damn lunch. Now to make the sandwich you HAVE to have bread. Now I don't know about you but where I get my bread...is Safeway. Then you can have some lunch meats like ham, turkey, roast b-b-beef, or pork. We'll use all of 'em. But first you take some mayo-naise, mustard, and, ahh the power of cheese. There ya have it. The -expletive deleted- sand…best sandwich ever. Now po-ta-to chips. But you're gonna have to wait now aren't you. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA."
"Hey, back again. We're now makin' some tater chips. First shove your head in your ass you don't get to see it…sorry folks I'm a bit hostile tonight. First you slice your potatoes to look like chips. If you couldn't figure that one out you are the dumbest -expletive deleted- on the planet. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. O.K. then you salt them up like -expletive deleted- in a toilet. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. Then turn the oven to tree-fitee and bake for about 10 minutes. Ah you'll be in hell…heaven soon. We'll be baked with more lunch after this."
"Hey, now folks I have something to ask you. Why did Michael Jackson go to Carl's Jr.? Because he thought Carl was a junior. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. Anyway, now that you saw ten dull-ass minutes of commercials my chips are dumb…done. So on to the Special Brownies. First some chocolate, and other -expletive deleted-. As soon as the mix is complete. Put it in a deep pan or whatever you call those pieces of expletive deleted now-a-days. You then put the "special" stuff on it." While sprinkling "DAMN. Oooh scared some of you little -expletive deleted- out there didn't I. Oh good. Then you cook them at the same temperature and cook for 15 minutes. See you next time, same damn time, same damn lunch. "
Episode 2
"Hey hey hey, welcome to the shortest running show on television. Well last time eleventy billion viewers tuned in and at the end, one was left watching…me. Which is why today I stand before you a sad and broken man. Well not really. So, on today's menu oh hell let's call it a lunch, eh? Today I'm barbequing, umm tasty. Makin' French Fries…This just in, fries are now called Freedom Fries, WHAT THE HELL THIS ISN'T MY DAMN NEWS SHOW, interesting none-the-less. And ice cream. But first go get some of that paper stuff and wipe your ass we'll be right back."
"We're back, and I'm the cock of the walk. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. Ah, hamburgers, the cornerstone to any nutritious breakfast," in a retarded tone. "with cheese. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. So, you first clean the grill good enough to eat off of. Then you slap some patties on and let 'um burn, or cook, whichever strikes you fat a…fancy. Then you flip the expletive deleted till your arm falls off. When they look cooked shove 'um up your ass…sorry. Get your cheese on. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. Whatever cheese ya want, and let it meltith to the burgerith as wouldith your FACE. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. Then toast yer bun. Um, um, um, um, uum toasty. Then put all the condom things…condiments you want on it and your ready to eat -expletive deleted-, or a burger. Now don't touch my ass…that dial we'll be right back."
"Hey, hey, hey I'm fat Abbot. Shut up, -expletive deleted-. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. So wees cooked a burger, now on to the Freedom Fries. First make your potato strip. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. Strips. Sprinkle some salt," during sprinkling. "DAMN. Yeah, some of you jumped outta you seat, HAHAHA HA HAHA. Then you deep FRY which is where the fries got there name, because you fry 'um. You fry them for about 10 - 15 minutes. Hey we'll be right back after I piss…after this…after this with more lunch."
"Hey, I comin' back around again, with a pocket full of shells. So the fries is done. Now for, my favorite, ice cre…," Robotnik was cut off in mid sentence by a crazed fan.
"Yeah we know why ice cream is your favorite ya fat ass."
"Well," Robotnik said as he went up to him. "Why don't you come down here." When Robotnik got down to the cooking area he slapped the fans face on the barbeque grill. "How do ya like them apples." The medical center entered the room and took the fan away. "Where was I? Oh yeah, ice cream well first you get one of these pieces of -expletive deleted- called an ice cream 'maker'. And you put your ingredients, wait, do you have a mint perhaps some banaka? No just use fresh mint and SET THIS -expletive deleted- OFF. And there yous have it burgers, ass whips…freedom fries, and ice cream. See you next time, same damn time, same damn lunch."
Episode 3
"Lunch, lunch, and more lunch. Sounds kind of like 'Lies, Lies, and More Lies' by that hilariass author that makes you piss yourself every time you read the stories. Anyway back with lunch, today's topic…FOOD. We'll be makin' tuner fish…tuna fish sandwich, po-ta-to salad, and a sundae. But first a My Damn Factoid. The toilet was invented by the man John Crapper, which is why you call a toilet either a john, or a crapper. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. We'll be right back after some horrible commercials."
"We're back. You know this show should be called 'One Fat -expletive deleted-' but that was too much like 'Two Fat -expletive deleted- …Ladies'. Yeah so a tuna fish sandwich. First, take the -expletive deleted- lid off the can. And squeeze out the juices like squeezing your girlfriends' t...nevermind. Then do that to however many cans you want. Then take the tuna out and put it in to a bowel…bowl. And put as much mayo-naise as you want. There is three stages to tuna: dry, just right, or taste like -expletive deleted- mayo. I like the just right stage, it tastes the best. Then you toast your buns, and put the tuna on the bread and EAT. You know that's what this show is about makin' food then eating the -expletive deleted-. Now get out of the room 'cause commercials are coming. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH."
"Back, potato salad time. First, boil the potatoes until done. Then skin them and chop up into little pieces. If it makes you feel better imagine it is your most hated enemy. Like your gay uncle. Hey everybody has one they have that one gay uncle. Anyway put it in a bowl and slap some mayo, some eggs, and whatever else you want in there. Then fridge it for a day or two. Then chow down. Hey guess what…more commercials."
"Hey, back again. To make an ice cream sundae, first take some ice cream, vanilla tasting, and scope as much as you want and top with hot fudge. Makes me hungry just thinkin' about it. Yummy. And add some nuts…," Robotnik was stopped by a fan again.
"He said NUTS! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA." The fan screamed.
"Shut the -expletive deleted- up, you -expletive deleted-. As I was saying, nuts, some sprinkles, DAMN, banana slices, and a cherry on top. That's it for today. See you next time, same damn time, same damn lunch."
Episode 4
"Welcome to My Damn Lunch. I thought we were done with this but Emril, that mongrel idiot, is still doing his show. No just kidding I like Emril, even though he is competition. Maybe I can hire a hitman, no, just kidding…again. Ok it's cooking time. We're making grilled chicken sandwich, chicken enchilada soup, and cookie, cookie, cookies. Ah COOKIES, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. We'll be right back after a long commercial break."
"Hhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee's Robotnik. Back to cook. For who you ask? Well -expletive deleted-, did you think I was cooking for you? HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. The grilled chicken sandwich will be cooked on the B-B-Q so you get some raw ass chicken and throw that -expletive deleted- on the grill. As soon as it is cooked on both sides slap it in your…I mean, brush some B-B-Q sauce on. And toast some hamburger buns and eat up. And now some boring commercials trying to sell you -expletive deleted- you don't want to buy."
"Hey if you just came out of the -expletive deleted- or something we're now making chicken enchilada soup. First, take some shredded chicken and put it in some enchilada sauce. Turn the pan on to medium. Let it cook while you get some tortillas. Then cut them into little pieces and put them in your 'stew'. Then put whatever else you want in it and cook for about 10 minutes. Medium size pan cooks for about 4 people or me. Ok now for some more commercials that you won't like."
"COOKIES. We're back and if you didn't notice we're making cookies. First take some cookie dough. And add more chocolate chips if you want to and I want to. So that's about it but cook 'um at 350˚ and cook for 10 minutes. That's it. See you next time, same damn time, same damn lunch."
Episode 5
Season Finally
"Hey and welcome to the season finally of My Damn Lunch. Today we'll be making a -expletive deleted load- of things…4. So we will be making nice, beautiful, juicy steak, mashed potatoes, macaroni salad, and a milkshake. What commercials? NOW!? Fine."
"I'm back. So let's start off with the steak. So we'll have to start the B-B-Q. Hopefully my eyebrows don't burn off. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. So let's start cleaning the grill and start cooking. Ok now we'll let these cook and flip caucasianally…occasionally and then when all done start eating. But before the potatoes lots of commercials."
"Welcome back. Now to the taters. First mash the -expletive deleted- to look like -expletive deleted-. Then cook 'um with some butthole…butter and milk. Then add salt. DAMN! Now your done with the po-ta-toes. Now for the salad, first cook some noodles, and when there done. Put 'um in a bowl. And put some mayo-naise in and whatever else. Then add salt. DAMN! Then fridge for a day or two. Now more commercials."
"Ah back to the show. Time to fix myself a funky milkshake. Ok we start out with vanilla ice cream, and blend it with some tropical fruits…" a fan went down to Robotnik and yelled.
"HE SAID FRUITS." Robotnik then punched him in the face.
"-expletive deleted-. Sorry you had to see that folks. Like I was saying tropical fruits like: cantaloupe, watermelon, and other fruits. And blend all that together. And you have a tasty milkshake. Hey that's all the time we have so see you next season, same damn time, same damn lunch."
Author's Note:
After this season, I hope you were offended, but not offended enough so you won't read my other stories: Good is Dumb, That Can't Be Good, Season 2 of Robotnik's "My Damn Lunch", and also a new story coming out later this year called, Find Your Own Tree.