Ted was sprawled on the couch reading a book when Robin emerged from her bedroom late one afternoon. The bruise on his forehead from Missy-the-goat's hoof was barely visible now. "So," he said, clearing his throat. "This isn't weird," he continued, with an edge of scepticism.
Turning around just before she reached the kitchen, Robin did a double-take. "I'm sorry? What?"
"You and Barney," Ted continued, scratching his head and stretching out. "Lily told me the two of you made out. Again."
Robin blew the air out of her lungs and laughed. "Oh that."
"Yes, that." There was a pause from the other room while Robin went to get two glasses of water, then Ted continued, "What's going on? Are you two a couple now?"
It was hard for Robin not to roll her eyes. "You're kidding, right? Me and Barney? Me... and Barney? Ted, think about it, do the words 'Barney' and 'couple' belong in the same sentence?"
It was obvious to Robin that Ted was a little relieved, even though he tried to hide it. "So that's not Barney in your bedroom...?"
She covered her mouth as she giggled. "No! God! I hooked up with a hot Canadian dude at a hockey game last night. Guy knows how to hit one into goal, if you know what I mean..."
"Thank god you and Barney didn't get together," Ted shook his head, smiling fondly. "One of you at a time really is enough-"
He was interrupted by a loud thump from the bedroom and stream of gruff curses spoken in was quite definitely French. Ted had the good sense to laugh.
"Don't judge me!" Robin snapped, but she couldn't help but smirk when she saw Ted's expression. "You should see his centre pass!"
"Too much information, man!" Ted said, hunting for his wallet and keys. "I think I'll hit the bar while you two... get to the blue line. Or whatever the hell you do. I'll see you in a while?"
Kicking her door open with her foot while trying not to spill the water, Robin nodded. "Sure, I'll be down in... fifteen min- half an-... gimme an hour?"
Ted's laugh was cut off as the door swung shut behind you.
"You're good..." Robin said, handing one of the glasses to the guy sitting on her bed.
"So're you," He said, patting the mattress beside him.
"I meant the French thing, not sex."
"I meant the sex," he said, dragging her towards him.
"Barney!" She hissed, under her breath.
Barney grinned and let her go, taking a large gulp of water. "So we're not telling anyone?" There was a flicker of something in his eyes - almost disappointment - and it gave Robin that feeling again, of being smothered by his smooth words, his easy tongue. And yeah... she had some experience of that tongue! But when he'd first said he loved her, with that look of desperation in Ted's hospital room, it had given her a flutter of worry deep in her gut.
"Is that a problem?" She replied, keeping it casual.
"Not necessarily."
There it was again. That flutter. What did he mean? "Not necessarily?" She asked. Did he want to come clean with everyone? So they'd slept together five- no, six- times since Ted's birthday. So far, nobody had said much about it. But she could feel it brewing - Lily and Marshall had been watching them both for signs of exploding monogamy.
"Well... hockey game? I'd have expected you to come up with a more... colorful... lie than that."
Robin blinked a couple of times. Of all the explanations she'd expected, him calling her out for not making up a more convincing story wasn't one of them. Was he truly outraged for that reason? Or did he want something more from her and this was some kind of game. "Hey, I thought it was pretty good for a spur-of-the-moment thing."
"At least you didn't giggle. That would have given you away right there."
Robin grinned. "Come on - you think as soon as someone reveals your 'tell' you don't work on getting rid of it?"
"Nice," he said, and fist-bumped her before placing his water down on the bedside table, on top of her diary. "And I like your thinking. We tell everyone that we're still hooking up all the time but actually we keep on having sex?"
Was that what she said? When did she say that? "Barney...!" Robin said, warningly. They hadn't even talked about... this. Whatever this was. She'd tried, but every time she said anything, he just... took off his shirt. Or kissed her. Or smelled really good and distracted her. He did that, Barney Stinson. He distracted her.
"Well I don't wanna stop having sex, do you?"
Robin narrowed her eyes. "I could have sex, with or without you!"
She saw her words hit home, saw him rally, reach out for her hand again and pull her on to the bed. "You could. Or... Or..."
And then he distracted her again.
Repeatedly.
Bastard.
*--*--*
It's not like they even sat next to each other. It's not like they even touched, bumped shoulders or had any physical contact at all. But even with three feet of table between them, Robin could still feel Barney, feel a kind of warmth that swept across her, over her skin, down her belly and between her legs, every time he spoke, ever time he made her laugh. When he caught her eye it was like a kiss - it made her catch her breath.
She'd started noticing things about him. Like how the color of his eyes changed like the ocean - sometimes bright and blue like a cloudless sky. Sometimes dark and gray, like a coming storm.
Robin noticed how his different suits were cut. She found herself comparing him with Marshall, when they both came down to the bar after work. Marshall was a solid mass, a mountain man draped in worsted wool in order to make him presentable to society. Barney was different - an elegant, streamlined, modern machine, the soft fabric of his jacket enticing women to run their fingers down his back, over the lapels.
She noticed how Barney didn't seem to have an ounce of fat on his body - how the muscles in his arms stood out when he lifted them over his head. How the three parallel creases in his forehead smoothed to almost nothing when he slept.
Robin also noticed when he lied.
There were tiny things that gave it away, how his eyes sparkled like stars, how the corner of his mouth always curved almost imperceptibly as though he was already congratulating himself for getting away with whatever it was he was lying about. But somehow, the more ridiculous the lies he told, the more it encouraged her to match him.
It was sometimes really hard not to let a trace of a giggle bleed through, to hide her 'tell'.
"So, I gotta bounce," Barney said. "I'm heading to Macy's."
"What?" Lily said eagerly. "Macy's?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna pose as a up-and-coming designer, looking for a young assistant with raw talent but who knows all about fashion. Hopefully I can find a couple of girls willing to measure... well, you can fill in the blanks." He trailed off under Lily's disapproving gaze. She looked over at Marshall, and the two had a brief telepathic conversation probably dealing with Lily's retail therapy issues.
Robin snorted. "Whatever. I've got a date!"
"Again?" Lily asked her. "Wow Robin, I gotta tell you, at this rate there won't be any single guys left in-" She bit back the words when she saw Robin's stony expression. Why was it okay for Barney to trot off to Macy's and have sex with some hypothtical lie-bimbo but it wasn't okay for her to go on legitimate lie-dates without being judged. She got to her feet with as much dignity as she could muster but then the wind was knocked out of her when Ted said, "Macy's? Oh, I'll tag along. There's a great hair gel I-"
Barney shot Robin a panicked look. If Ted actually forced Barney to actually go to Macy's, rather than sneaking off with her, might he be tempted to actually carry out his plan of picking up a bimbo?
Robin reached into her pocket and surreptitiously speed-dialled Barney. He took the call with a certain amount of aplomb and proceeded to carry out an imaginary, one-sided conversation.
"Mom? Yeah, sure. No I didn't forget. Tonight, right? Now? Well sure, I could pick up some things for you on the way? But that would mean I'd need to leave now. No, of course that's not- Yeah, sure. Laters!" Barney gave Ted a long-suffering look while Lily teased him with "Mommy's boy."
"Sorry, Bro." Barney said. "Looks like I gotta bail."
"You wanna come to Macy's Robin?" Ted asked her.
"Nah, date, remember?" She lied smoothly. "We could go tomorrow?"
"Where's this guy taking you?" Barney asked her innocently. His lips did that little twitch. Damn it, she'd wipe that smile right off his face if it wasn't for Team Lily getting hysterical, Ted being outright weird and Marshall probably planning their wedding for them.
"Oh, he's taking me to see Bye Bye Birdie," she said. Luckily, they'd done a piece on the Broadway revival that morning on the show. Plus none of the guys ever watched her show, so...
"Wow, I'd have loved to go see that!" Lily complained eagerly, chastising Robin for not suggesting a double date while Barney did funny things with his eyebrows behind Lily's back. It was a strain not to laugh.
"Later guys," she said, heading out of the bar first. It was hard not to look back, like Orpheus straining not to step back into Hades, but eventually she found herself standing on the sidewalk, looking up at the stars in the cloudless sky and thinking about how much she wanted a cigarette. The stars twinkled, like Barney's eyes when he lied.
When she was dragged back and pushed up against the wall, she almost lashed out until she felt Barney's lips clash against hers. "Macy's?" She said incredulously. "And you said French Hockey Fan was lame?"
"The phone call was a nice touch."
"You think we can keep this up for a few weeks?" She said, raising an eyebrow so that it would seem more like a challenge and less like a scary commitment.
"Hell," He said, kissing her again, "I bet we could keep it up all summer. So what are the stakes?"
He grinned into her mouth and her fingers skated over his figure hugging pants and his expensive cologne enveloped her and his blue eyes were indigo-dark. He distracted her.
"Hmm?" She said, as he squeezed her breast gently, tweaking her nipple through her sweater.
"Stakes? What're the stakes?"
"You're kidding," she said with a laugh. "For this I think we should invent some kind of scoring system for the most elaborate lie."
"Leading to the most satisfying bang?"
She laughed, "If you like."
"Scherbatsky, I love you," he said with a chuckle.
And for once, it didn't scare her at all.