A/N: This is an idea that beautywithin22 and I developed together. She had the original idea and I...um, stole it (with her permission!) :D So this is dedicated to her, I hope this answers your question...a little...
Alice Jardine is from my other story "Such A Waste" and I see her as Helen Mirren, if that helps.
Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Last Act Of Love
"Thank you for coming, Jackie, I just...didn't think I'd be able to face this on my own," Alice said, stepping aside to let the younger woman into Michael's old residence.
Jackie took a deep breath as she looked around, everything reminded her of Michael. She tried not think about the last time she'd been here, when she had first realised something was wrong.
She reminded herself not to cry.
"I don't know where I should begin," Alice said quietly, "Michael was always such a private person, it just feels wrong somehow." Jackie turned back to look at her, a gentle smile of understanding gracing her features. "I don't suppose you'd go through his personal papers for me, would you Jackie?" Alice asked.
Jackie didn't particularly feel comfortable poking through Michael's personal effects either, but she did have her training as a policewoman to fall back on. She was fairly confident that she'd be able to keep some measure of detachment.
"That's fine, Alice," she assured the older woman.
Alice looked relieved as she led Jackie over to the meticulously ordered desk, "Thank you, Jackie," Alice said as she left her to her work.
Jackie gave her a brief smile as she sat down at the desk. Everything was in its place, she shook her head, remembering how she used to tease Michael about how neat his desk always was. Now she was just grateful, the order gave her a further means to detach herself from the task at hand.
The order that he kept all of his papers in meant that Jackie didn't run into any trouble, until she reached the locked drawer of his desk. The lock presented her with little difficulty, Michael had told her years ago where he kept the key, but she'd never really thought about what he might keep in the drawer.
Important case files or other things related to work had been her best guess and she was right for the most part. What she had not been expecting was the tight bundle of hand written letters that had obviously never been sent.
Curious in spite of herself, Jackie picked up the top of the sheaf of papers and began to read.
The moment she read the top line she dropped the piece of paper as though it had burnt her.
These weren't just any letters; they were another means Michael had found to get his thoughts out. She had suspected for years that he would go and visit Jim Taggart's grave to get some perspective, she never imagined that he also wrote to him as yet another means of sorting through his feelings.
The words still burned fresh in her mind:
Dear Jim,*
Once again I put pen to paper to talk to you about Jackie.
After a long moment, she dared to look at it again; it was dated to the day of her marriage to Brian.
Biting her lip and fighting off her guilt, she continued to read.
Dear Jim,
Once again I put pen to paper to talk to you about Jackie. Why in heavens name did I listen to you all those years ago? So I would have been transferred if I got any more friendly with her than I all ready was in your eyes. So what? She soon joined the team anyway and quickly became my closest friend, before she came to mean so much more to me but your stupid admonishment kept me back.
At first it was because you were always there, I couldn't place her in the line of your fire or have you ruin her career because of some stupid mistake on my part. Then it was because I was her boss, I'd have to transfer her myself. I couldn't do that. I needed her with me, she wasn't just the woman I was in love with, she was the one person I knew I could count on in any situation. She always had my back, always knew what I was thinking, where I was heading to next.
I didn't just need her because I loved her; I needed her to help me do my job. To keep me grounded.
I'm sure you'd have some sarcastic remark to make about my feelings for her, possibly even a rebuke for being scared. But I don't need your rebuke or your comments; I've all ready gotten all the punishment I deserve: I've lost her.
Today I watched as she married another man.
Watching her marry Brian was the most painful thing I have ever had to endure. Not even Gemma's rejection hurt me this badly. I'm ashamed to admit that tonight it almost drove me to drink, but I chose to talk to you about it instead. To get some perspective from your imagined sarcastic take on the situation.
But tonight it just doesn't seem to be helping. I'm just too angry with you and with myself for letting her go. I only hope that I haven't lost her completely.
You were right, life isn't a fairytale but I truly believed that it was in my grasp. But that doesn't matter now; I have been chasing fairytales all my life...
At this point the words on the page became too blurred for her to continue reading and Jackie realised that she was crying. She'd had no idea that she had hurt him so much, no idea that he had loved her.
It made the pain of losing him without him knowing that she loved him even more acute.
She put a hand over her mouth to cover her sobs; all this time he was in love with her and she never knew. All this time they wasted...all this time...
Gone.
Jackie carefully put the letter back with the others; she didn't have the strength to keep reading.
She glanced at the doorway, seeing that Alice was out of sight she carried the bundle over to where she had put her jacket and carefully concealed them within it. She would burn them later.
Alice was right, Michael was a private person and Jackie didn't think it right that anyone else should find those letters.
Burning them would be her final farewell to Michael and her last act of love towards him.
* I know Michael never called Taggart "Jim" but I figured he might have started since the idea is that he's been writing to him for a long time