I do not own Star Trek. Keep it away from me. Or else...THIS happens. BWA-HA-HA-HA!!!

One day, a deranged Trekkie was listening to "Mr. Tambourine Man" as sung by William Shatner. (This is reason enough for death.) All of a sudden, Captain Kirk materealized in front of him!

"Wow!" gasped the Trekkie. "I'm your biggest fan!"

"WELL...isn't that so...nice," said Kirk, an utterly garrulous smirk decorating his face. "It's.........TOO BAD...thatIhavetokillyou."

"What?" whined the Trekkie. "But you're a good guy!"

"Oh! That's...right!" Kirk started punishing himself (and us) by slapping his own face.

"Maybe the good Captain can't kill you, but I can think of no logical reason why not," said Mr. Spock suddenly appearing. So saying, he pulled his fazer and killed Captain Kirk.

Spock raised his eyebrows with interest. "Facinating. My fazer's aim seems to be a foot too far to the left. I shall have to make a study of this."

"He's dead, Jim!" came a disembodied voice. Spock ducked and fired the fazer, and there was a disembodied scream.

"Very facinating indeed," said Spock caressing his fazer.

Suddenly, Captain Kirk's evil twin (Tim) who looked and acted just like him appeared and said "I COMMEND you on suchagreataim.....................HOWEVER, according to my credo I must-now-place you under, fedaration, arrest, for...DARING to interfere with the delicatebalanceof.......INTERPLANETARY peace."

Spock shot Tim. All of a sudden, eleven more identical clones popped up.

"We're....WIM, Rim, Bim, Fim, SIM, Pim, Quim, Nim, Mim, Vim, Yim, AND......Eeim," they said.

The original Kirk came to life.

"Iamnow........back to normal, with, the.............POSSIBLE EXCEPTION of being a braineatingzombie..." He whipped out his communicator. "MR. SCOTT! Beam-us-all-up."

"B-but," spluttered the Trekkie. "There are fifteen of us!"

Mr. Spock shot the Trekkie, and with a twitch of his eyebrow spewed forth the humorous comment: "Fourteen."

Mr. Scott buzzed Kirk on the communicator. "Ah'm sorry, cap'n! I cahn't do it! The engine's dooon't have the pow'r!"

"Ohh....NO!" Kirk threw himself into Spock's arms and began to weep into his shoulder. "WHY...WHY...WHY?"

An anonymous redshirt appeared and his brain immediately fried from the sight of El Capitan and El Spockarino in an apparent embrace.

"I shall....HAVE TO eatScott'sbrains, when, I, get, back. And I WILL, get back, do you under-stand-Mr.-Spock? And then it-will-be-Chekov, DO you UNDERSTAND how, MUCH, I hate, that man?"

"I myself could go for a tribble omlette," said Spock once more with a raise of his spectacular eyebrows. "Captain, there is something I don't understand. Once I buried my fazer into the base of the skull of a Klingon, and I still missed. How could that happen? It is...illogical."

"Captain, can we get you on the bridge?" came a computery voice.

"Not...right, now, computer, I'm busy being....THE KING OF THE WORLD!" shouted Kirk, spreading his arms and running into the breeze.

Predictably, Scott suddenly got the engines of the Enterprise to work and beamed everybody up.

"Captain!" cried Uhura as the company walked through the bridge door. "There's a distress signal on channel four!"

"That is...serious! Channel four is the WEATHER, channel!"

"It's a Trekkie, sir, he claimed that you shot him!"

"I NEVER! It was....SPOCK, who, shot, him...by-the-way-where, is, Mr. Chekov?"

"Let me speak to him," said Sulu. "Mr. Trekkie, you say that the Captain shot you. Yet you are still alive!"

"So?"

"So take this!" Sulu pulled his fazer and zapped the speaker. A scream faded out with the sparks.

"Did you summon me, Keptin?" said Chekov coming up at the moment. "I was exploding enemy wessels with my rubber bendt gun that your mother sent me."

"LET'S, keepmymother-out-of-this, shall we? MR. CHEKOV! I expect your brains to be in my quarters, within, the, next, quarter-of-a-second." Chekov shrugged, and then flipped the top of his head open and deposited his brains on the captain's Lap.

The bridge door "shooped" open with a satisfied "Ahh!" and Scotty stood there with a whipped cream pie.

"Cap'n! The Klingons have teken over the ship! They've infested everrrrry level but this! But, they gave me a pie!"

"And I got muffins!" said a redshirt clamoring behind Scott. The unfortunate man ate one of the said muffins, and keeled over dead, still foaming at the mouth.

"Oh, NO!" cried Captain Kirk. "WHY?...WHY...WHY?"

With a fiery explosion, Spock started shooting up the bridge and laughing manically.

The enterprise exploded in fiery ball of DOOM, leaving nothing but a pair of perpetually raised eyebrows.

THE.......end.