KINK MEME FILL

Matthew walked into his usually obnoxious home to find it quiet, eerily so actually. It should have bothered him more than it did, but alas he was warn out from meeting with his doctor for an…examination of sorts. His lower back and ass were kind of sore, and the only thing on Matthew's mind was hitting the hay. So when he walked into his dining room to finding his father(s) and brother assembled at the dining room table not acting completely bat shit for once, although Al was doodling on something again…wait is that a Maple Leave's jersey and a sharpie? Bitch is gonna get it. Well, to say the least Matthew was confused and reading to beat down a certain hero.

"Hey Mattie, dads' are worried about you."

Oh great, Mr. High-and-mighty-hero, thank you for that stunningly thoughtful comment.

"Matthew, listen. You've been spending more, and more time at the Doctor's lately, and your father and I have are starting to get concerned. Is there anything going on that you're uncomfortable telling us about?" Arthur tried the concerned parental unit look, but ending up looking constipated. "You know you can tell us anything."

"Oui, bonbon we're here for you regardless of what is going on right now." Francis said.

"Al…" Arthur threatened.

"If you die can I have your stuff?" Alfred asked asked before going to list the things he wanted. "Your pink DS is really gay so I don't want it, but can I have your Xbox, minus all the non-violent hockey games of course. Oh and that pair of skinny jeans I got you for your birthday that don't really fit you because they're my size because it's not like you even wear skinny jeans-"

"Eh! What the hell Al! You…!" Matthew paused, "Wait, who says I'm going to die?"

"So, you don't have cancer?"

"No! Christ, no!"

"What about leukemia? Or in an ingrown toenail? Or AIDS?" Alfred ventured.

"Alfred! Toenails can't kill a person!" Said Arthur.

"They can if they're serious." Alfred proudly stated. "It happened in House."

I'm surrounded by idiots.

"American TV is not at all credible! You should be watching the BBC, you'd learn more from an episode of Inspector Morse than watching that American rubbish you kids try to pull off as entertainment."

"Ah non, crumpet, bonbon, calm down we can talk this out later, oui? Mathieu, tu are not sick, so what has been keeping you at the doctors?"

FuckFuckFuckFuckFuck. Hey Dad(s), Al, I've been getting plundered up the butt by my GP. I don't have cancer, but I'm afraid I've caught the gay. Thanks for your influences eh, Dad(s).

"Mathieu?"

"Huh? Oh…Um, you know, stuff."

Al stopped bickering with his father and air quoted Matt. "I see…"Stuff." Looks like my baby brother is finally becoming a man. You can thank me for the help later bro, as long as you tell me what a babe she is." He wiped a fake tear away from his eye.

"I don't have a girlfriend."

Al panicked, "Am I the only one in this family not batting for the other team? At least you're on top right Mattie?" Matthew flushed.

"Al! You know that's not appropriate to talk about!"

"Oui, bonbon shouldn't say it like it's a bad thing. There's nothing wrong with being on the bottom, oui crumpet?"

Arthur blushed and Matthew groaned, "You frog!"

"Eww, I don't want to hear about my parents having sex!" Al yelled.

Oh god please, can I go now? "Dad(s), I'm tired, can we talk about this later?"

"Oh non, non, darling crumpet I speak only to assure confidence in our young and insecure bonbon~."

Well they're ignoring me again. Matthew slowly began to limp/edge away from the dining room, hoping not to get noticed as his parents made kissy lips and batted eyelashes and his brother plugged his ears and shouted to ten.

"AHA! Hey! Hey! Listen! Listen! Tell me who's doing you so hard you have to limp! Big brother Al will beat him up for you!" Al said.

Matthew groaned.

The two dysfunctional parents snapped out of their lovey-dovey eyelash batting, "Oui bonbon, tell us who."

"Urkg."

"Come on Mattie, tell us. Tell Big Bro."

Matthew backed into a corner so red tomatoes would be jealous. "Drforgrbrt."

"Mattie~ In American please?"

"...Dr. Gillbert..."

"A bit louder please?"

"…Dr. Gillbert."

"Louder?"

"I'M HAVING SEX WITH MY DOCTOR."

Al looked as if was in thought for a moment before opening his mouth and proving otherwise, "The creepy guy with the bird?"

"Yeah." Matthew said.

"Yeah."

AN/I don't own anything: Hetalia is made by that one awesome guy who's name I can't remember right now. Did this for APH kink meme, and it's my first APH fic. I can't write England. ;A; (I'll man up one day and write something un-PG!)